Harmful Fantasy?

January 24, 2007 7:31 PM

(possibly NSFW) I have an ongoing fantasy concerning my wife and I'm wondering why I fantasize about such a thing and whether it is potentially harmful.

I often fantasize about my wife having sex with someone else. My wife knows this and it doesn't bother her. In fact she will often tell me about previous experiences she's had, or just make up stories during sex because she knows it is a turn on for me. In the fantasy she is always enjoying the sex tremendously.

Lately I've been wondering why thinking about such a thing would turn me on and whether it is healthy. I remember that early in our marriage the thought of her having sex with someone else literally made me feel sick to my stomach. But now it's just the opposite. If I had any attraction to men I might think that it was because I am bisexual. But I am not attracted to men.

Is this normal? Any idea why a person might find such a thing appealing?

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

This is a reasonably common fantasy. Look up "cuckold" or "cuckolding" on the web sometime, if you want more info.

Anyway, as long as your wife is OK with it, there's no problem. Have fun with it. :)
posted by vorfeed at 7:37 PM on January 24, 2007

This is perfectly normal. Fantasies rarely have a 1:1 relationship with real life.

It's like playing dress-up as a kid...only now as a grown-up you have adult play with your mind (or with accessories).

As to whether you or your wife or both ever act on your fantasies: that is entirely up to how comfortable you both feel, how you communicate about it. Otherwise, sounds perfectly healthy to me. It's great that you are already open enough to talk to each other about want you like/thinkabout/enjoy.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 7:38 PM on January 24, 2007

You have a cuckold fetish. I'm no expert, but Dan Savage is, and he just discussed it in his column recently. You might want to check it out.

As long as you're safe about it and your wife is game, I can't see how it would be harmful (especially if you don't actually act it out).
posted by AV at 7:43 PM on January 24, 2007

Sex columnist Dan Savage has addressed cuckholding recently, you might want to check out his column about it here and also the follow up column over here.
posted by SassHat at 7:43 PM on January 24, 2007

dammit! Jinx!

grumble grumble, at least I got both grumble
posted by SassHat at 7:44 PM on January 24, 2007

Oops, that came out wrong -- I wasn't trying to tell you not to act on it (as in having her bring home another guy) -- just that at the fantasy level this is really not a big deal at all. Have fun. Go with it. And if you do bring someone else into it, just be upfront and safe.
posted by AV at 7:47 PM on January 24, 2007

'Cuckold fetish' might be a little more than what the OP describes. I guess he didn't really talk about how he feels in the fantasy scenario, but to me, cuckold fetishes imply some sense of humiliation and exclusion - can be sort of submissive and go along with other submissive fantasies.

Pop sex psychology sometimes says that fantasising about your partner with someone else (especially in a long term relationship, and especially when the partner is a woman) can be sexy because it's a reminder that your partner still has her own sexuality independent from her love for you. There's a cliche that women, epecially married women only want sex with their husbands and only put out grudgingly and on request. The idea of her with someone else is a reminder that she's a different person from you, and that you might not know everything about her. It's kind of a similar idea to getting off on your partner masturbating. I'm not saying this is what's going on for you, but it's one take on it.

I think this is pretty common, and I don't think harm is going to sneak up on you - if you're talking about it and both comfortable, big deal.
posted by crabintheocean at 8:43 PM on January 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

And I think there's a lot to be said for being comfortable enough in your relationship to be uncomfortable.
posted by crabintheocean at 8:45 PM on January 24, 2007

It's normal. It's not harmful unless you let it become harmful. If you cross the line from fantasy into reality, you run the risk of having other emotions come up, like jealousy.

But just having such a fantasy? Nah, nothing wrong with that at all. At least it's not something that involves kids or farm animals.
posted by drstein at 9:11 PM on January 24, 2007

In terms of why the appeal, while the cuckold thing seems to be a lot about the humiliation of the husband, I could also see a person just getting off on the idea of their partner displaying total sexual abandon, your role essentially that of the voyeur, you know, witnessing your wife fully expressing her sexual being completely outside of the context of you. That could be hot. Of course now you've got a bunch of strangers discussing it, I don't know where that fits in.
posted by nanojath at 10:43 PM on January 24, 2007

I have friends who like to see their partner with other women. For them it's the exact opposite of the humiliation that usually goes with cuckold-ing. They like to know that their woman is still sexually desirable, and then getting her back at the end of the night to show her where she really wants to be when she's done finding her fun elsewhere.
posted by nadawi at 12:36 AM on January 25, 2007

'Cuckold fetish' might be a little more than what the OP describes. I guess he didn't really talk about how he feels in the fantasy scenario, but to me, cuckold fetishes imply some sense of humiliation and exclusion - can be sort of submissive and go along with other submissive fantasies.

crabintheocean is correct about this. It's not a cuckold fantasy. It would probably get filed under "wife swapping," "menage a trois," or "swinging." If you're looking for others who would share your interests, google up your local swingers organization.
posted by Clay201 at 3:06 AM on January 25, 2007

It just seems like a sort of voyeurism to me, and a fairly reasonable extension of having sex with your wife. You enjoy sex with your wife and you enjoy the thought of watching her have sex.
posted by orange swan at 5:33 AM on January 25, 2007

If I had any attraction to men I might think that it was because I am bisexual. But I am not attracted to men.

Another Dan Savage observation seems apropos here. To paraphrase crudely, straight men are turned on when they see a hot woman with a cock in her. For some straight men, it's important that it be their own cock. For other straight men, it's not so important.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:43 AM on January 25, 2007

Read Peeping Tom by Howard Jacobson. I don't know whether it'll help, but you might develop a new interest in Thomas Hardy.
posted by Phanx at 7:06 AM on January 25, 2007

anonymous follow-up from another poster

My wife has (safe) sex with other men and women, and watching her do so is a huge turn on for me, so maybe I can help out in this thread. If you post a bunch of questions here, I'll send another email to Jess with replies. (How I wish we had anon responses here *sigh*)

I've told Jess that she can pass my email on to people here, so if you are shy about posting here, let Jess know and she'll give you my email address.

Good search terms are "hotwife", "hotwifing", "cuckold" and "cuckolding." People here are wrong when they claim that cuckolding is about humiliation. Some self-identified cuckolds are into being humiliated and some aren't. It's a fetish or lifestyle or whatever with many sub-classifications.

Some site recommendations:

Message boards:

ourhotwives.org
ultimatecuckold.net

porn (not free):

screwmywife.com
posted by jessamyn at 12:00 PM on January 25, 2007