How can I make the best of things in a relationship that's been derailed by both our health problems and our shyness?

January 21, 2007 2:23 PM

I am in my mid-thirties and after suffering from shyness all my life am finally in my first long-term (2 years plus) relationship (she is slightly younger and this is also her first relationship). We have had difficult times when her mental illness/ anxiety problems got worse, and I have had bad spells with depression, plus our love life has been hampered by my impotence, but she has stuck with me and I really value our relationship. However our relationship seems to be "stuck" - she has said that while she really cares about me, she's not "in love" with me, and I have the same feeling for her. When we talked about this I felt maybe we should end the relationship and try to remain friends, but she persuaded me that both of us are highly likely to going back to being unhappilly single without the emotional support we enjoy now, and that it was better to focus on what we had (we get on well, enjoy spending time together, don't dislike or argue with each other) rather than what we didn't have. I'm convinced she is sincer, and I also want to put in some thought and effort to improve our relationship, but I'm not sure what to do or where to start. MeFites can you help?

Most advice I have read is that you shouldn't settle for anything less than true love, but I don't know how I would ever find such a thing - being depressed sometimes and also impotent (have tried treatment but unsuccessfully) makes me highly unattractive to most women. So I find myself in a relationship with a woman I really care about, who cares about me too but doesn't love me deeply (I think partly because of our lack of a good sex life and partly because I am too introverted and don't always give her the attention and affection she needs). We have been in the relationship long enough for strong romantic feelings to develop, but for whatever reason they just haven't. Both of us want our relationship to improve and progress, but our only thought as to how it could happen would be to move in together (though I already stay with her most nights). I would like things to improve through things like * varying our routine and going out more together to new places * talking more about our hopes for the future and take some concrete actions towards them happening * making some joint friends so that we are not in each other's pocket's so much * me supporting my girlfriend in developing her own interests so she feels less dependant on me. I am sure these will all help but am looking for more ideas.

My question boils down to this - I am in a mediocre relationship without sex or passionate love, but with a lot of caring and emotional support. Rather than end it and remain friends I want to be more committed to making a go of things improving them. What things to do or talks to have will make us both feel we are in a relationship that is growing rather than stagnating?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total)

First up, I think we need to understand that the first flush of a romance does not, in most cases, last. (I'd say "all" but then someone would come in here and say "but I'm still desperately in love with my SO"). In my opinion, the day-to-day caring and emotional support you talk about is vital for a long term relationship. I think it is the basis, and I think it is the love we talk about when we say we love our partner.

I'm thinking there's a bunch of people about to say "no sex, no way", but I'm sure there's many people who love each other who live without sex. My husband and I are one such couple, due to his illness. I miss it, yes, but life has many disappointments as well as joys, and what you can't change, you accept. Is what we have true love, then, if true love requires intercourse? I think it is.

I agree with all your plans to improve your relationship, and I think you could also consider perhaps sexually, you could help satisfy her with your tongue or your fingers. Perhaps working out ground rules to deal with your introversion - if she says "I really need you to listen right now", you take it seriously, and abandon what you're doing. If you say to her "I really need some alone time", she take that seriously but not as a slight on herself.

I wonder too, if it's not just the relationship stagnating, but your lives (I'm projecting). What does the future hold? Are you both (or either) aiming towards something different and exciting, or are you both just barely holding your heads above water?

I think that your local library is likely to have workbooks that will assist with boosting relationship skills, might be worth checking it.
posted by b33j at 3:04 PM on January 21, 2007

As i see it, what you are is 'best friends'. That's a really, really great thing to have in a relationship--many, myself included, would argue that it's essential. But the spark isn't there, it would seem.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:11 PM on January 21, 2007

Does your relationship really lack sex? At all? A boner isn't necessarily synonymous with sexual arousal. I know being impotent doesn't mean you don't have a sex drive; since you weren't more specific, I don't know how much or a sex drive you do have, or how much sex you two do have.
It doesn't sound like her sexual needs are being satisfied. Believe it or not, you CAN satisfy them, just as you are. Penetrative intercourse is such a small part of the smörgåsbord of sex. Look at this question. I'm not going to go into too much detail, because you certainly know what mommies and daddies do when they're not boning; you probably also know if you haven't been doing those things as much as you should, which is more than the average guy.
And while penetrative intercourse isn't the end all, be all of sex, most women do enjoy it an awful lot. I don't know how comfortable you are with your impotence. But any discomfort that you have is going to make her more reluctant to discuss the things she wants from you, and more hesitant to enjoy sex. Go ahead. Get a toy. When she sees that you're comfortable changing your routine and enjoying sex with her, she might be braver about guiding you, and getting off without feeling like she's rubbing it in your face. Armed with a lack of shame, a wide variety of non-penetrative sexual activities, and a dildo, you can be a damn good lover.
posted by Juliet Banana at 3:13 PM on January 21, 2007

Don't keep the status quo in any relationship on the sole basis that to do otherwise = loneliness. Be lonely, then, if that's all that's keeping you together. Loneliness can be devastating. But devastation is honest, and honesty is growth.

But resist also the temptation to use predefined labels. Is she your "girlfriend?" Is she your "best friend?" Maybe she's just her, and maybe you don't owe anyone a label for what you are to eachother. Each relationship is completely singular and new. There's no template for human relations, only advice.

Ask yourself if your relationship is one that can support a certain amount of mutual eroticism - the erotic is not necessarily sexual. It's physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual. It's about connection, not penetration. If it can support that, it will require both of you opening up, possibly in some ways you're not immediately comfortable with. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

You both need to ask yourselves and eachother what you want - what you really want, not what prepackaged way of conceiving of eachother appeals the most to you. And you need to know what you need and what you can give. Go from there.

If you care about eachother, you owe it to eachother to let the relationship be difficult sometimes. As long as it leads to growth, and not stagnation.

Never maintain a certain way of relating just for its own sake. Your relationship is always with yourself, first. But concern yourself with that - the way of relating, rather than "The Relationship."
posted by poweredbybeard at 3:24 PM on January 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

And if you're not sure how to do it right, don't worry, it's easy to learn. Best of luck.
posted by SBMike at 3:39 PM on January 21, 2007

Maybe you guys need to do something out of the ordinary together, something slightly dangerous and adventurous. It sounds like your relationship is lacking in "emotional highs" so doing something like a safari might fill that need.
posted by parallax7d at 3:39 PM on January 21, 2007

i think the fact that you're describing it as a "mediocre relationship" is suggestion enough that you should probably let it drop, or at least recontextualize the relationship. especially since it's the first time for both of you. i mean, you hear every so often about the high school sweethearts who get hitched at 19 and remain passionately in love until they die, but the key to those relationships is that, whether by amazing luck or sheer dedication, they keep the initial passion going, in some capacity. you two, by your description, are not doing that, and that doesn't bode well for you in the long run.

unless one is possessed of an unflinching self-confidence, the end of any relationship, especially one's first, leads to fears that you're never going to have it so good again, that you're going to die alone and miserable or what have you. experience almost always proves otherwise, however, provided you use the successes and failures of your current relationship as something to build upon.

and there are options. there's no reason you can't be a source of emotional support for one another outside of an exclusive relationship. try and make it as friends (it seems like you two have had the best luck in that area, anyway). and hell, people come up with all sorts of nonexclusive/non-monogamous arrangements. granted, they're not my cup of tea, and i've seen quite a few go down like the hindenburg, but i've seen plenty of "conventional" relationships do the same.

the long and short of it, though, is that the loneliness argument is a short-sighted one and, in as many cases as not, a manipulative one. if what you have right now isn't adequate, and you can't imagine it becoming so, it's probably time to move on.
posted by wreckingball at 3:46 PM on January 21, 2007

I'm with wreckingball. A mediocre relationship is certainly not better than being alone. Yes, it's true that the magic and butterflies don't last forever but you both deserve to have something more than "we don't hate each other." I spent 18 months in such a relationship myself and I regret not having been gentle enough with myself to say "I deserve someone who is wild about me." Good luck ... to both of you.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 6:21 PM on January 21, 2007

You should break up. Not because relationships require 'true love' or any such nonsense but because your relationship isn't even delivering the basics. It's not the relationship that's stuck it's you.

But... there's something to be said for taking baby steps in your case. So consider a trial separation before you end it. Separate from one another for a little while and see how things go. This is an enormous risk but, to answer your more general question, relationships grow when risks are taken, the dice are rolled and the relationship is forced to grow naturally. You can rarely simply dictate these things. So take a step back and be alone for a little while. During this time you can get a better sense of what it is you do for one another and whether you're really happy. Drop this entire notion of a "mediocre relationship" -- it's stupid and disingenious. You're a grown man and you shouldn't need to hide behind such rationalizations. You should have a clear idea of what you want from the relationship and whether the relationship provides you with what you really need. If the relationship isn't giving you what you want -- and it's not since if you're not getting laid then, let's face it, you're nothing more than a business partner in a expense-sharing venture -- then you need to really think about what it will take to get what you want. And don't vague out. You should have clear positive affirmations about what you want the relationship to do for you.

When/if you do finally get back together you should formalize your commitment. Don't have abstract, theoretical goals. You have to nail these things down into something real, something you can touch. Instead of saying you're going to 'go new places' come up with a list of places you want to visit, make reservations, buy a cemera and an old fashioned scrapbook, and commit to visiting a new place on the first weekend of each month. Relationships can't survive on good intentions, they need structure and traditions and routines and a clear understanding of what each party brings to the table. This is the strong foundation that real love may one day grow from. And, really, solve the sex problem. This should be a top priority. I can't imagine what you've been doing for these past few years but at this point you should know what she likes and what she doesn't like and it shouldn't be difficult for you to romance her and get her in the sack. If you don't know then you'll have to make a commitment to finding out. If you're going to be the man in her life -- not necessarily the man she loves but the man in her life -- then it's your responsibility to make her feel like a woman.
posted by nixerman at 8:39 PM on January 21, 2007

Um, could you get a doctor to prescribe Viagra?
posted by madman at 8:50 PM on January 21, 2007

madman:
Um, could you get a doctor to prescribe Viagra?

OP:
being depressed sometimes and also impotent (have tried treatment but unsuccessfully)

This may mean he's tried Viagra already.
posted by epugachev at 9:38 PM on January 21, 2007

Anonymous—it sounds like you have a good thing here, don’t you?? I mean, granted—we all have areas of our lives which we wish were better, but that doesn’t mean that you have to throw out the baby with the bath water.

Maybe you two should try developing some sort of hobby together—if you want to spend more time with each other, doing something that you both like. Or if you want to be separate, you can do it on your own.

How about inviting her to your parents’ place, or you going over to hers. Maybe she has problems dealing with her family relationships, and that could be a sore-spot for her which might need a little attention. I don’t know. As for your impotence—like someone said up-thread—not having a boner isn’t the end of the world—so don’t worry too much about it. Just concentrate on loving your girlfriend, and taking care of yourself, and hopefully everything will work out for the best.
posted by hadjiboy at 10:21 PM on January 21, 2007

Guard against passivity. It sounds to me as though both you and your girlfriend have far more than your due share of it. If you stay together, you need to know that you both need to commit to making staying together an active decision that you make every day.

If she doesn't commit to that, you need to avoid the passive response to her failure to commit. You need to take decisive action about it.

she persuaded me that both of us are highly likely to going back to being unhappilly single without the emotional support we enjoy now, and that it was better to focus on what we had

This is not the right reason not to break off a relationship. "It sucks, but it could get a lot worse" is not an excuse to stop trying to make things better.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:38 PM on January 21, 2007

wild passionate roller coaster relationships are cool, but those that last all end up 'best friends who care about each other and provide emotional support'. You just skipped the roller coaster.

if you care about her and she cares about you and you make each other happy - you're in a better place than a lot of people.

if it were me, talking about a long term relationship - id take the girl who cared about me and was "on my side" so to speak, rather than the crazy monkey sex roller coaster girlie.

in the end, my advice would be to take all the questions you asked here, and all the relationship ideas you presented to her. Tell her how you feel and work something out.
posted by Tryptophan-5ht at 11:52 PM on January 21, 2007

I got a lot out of David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage when my marriage got a bit stuck in a rut. PoweredByBeard captures something of the approach the book takes, but it goes quite deep into the way marriage forces you make choices and grow. Doesn't matter if you're not formally married btw - any relationship you're committed to will do. It will certainly give you some things to think about, and also a framework to talk about some of your problems with your partner (assuming she'll read it too).
posted by crocomancer at 2:31 AM on January 22, 2007