how do i fix my sex life?

January 20, 2007 7:25 AM

sex is boring, not sure how to tell him?

some history: my bf and i have been together for a few years, and i love him and am not considering breaking up with him over this, i just want to know how to fix it. anyway, the sex has started to get more boring. its at the point now where i feel like i'm losing some of my desire to have sex (more than the normal we've-been-together-a-few-years thing). we currently have sex a few times a week, but in all honesty it would probably be less if it were entirely up to me.

the problems:
1. he doesn't seem to want to give oral sex - he never offers, and when i ask (at this point, once every month or two) he declines about half the time, says he's too "tired". this could be related to the fact that he.. um.. isn't very good at it. not bad, its enjoyable, but he's never succeeded in getting me off, and while i try to direct him i'm not exactly sure myself what he's doing wrong, i just know it isn't right.
2. the general lead up to sex doesn't always cut it for me. i understand that we have differences in our pre-sex needs - as in, he doesn't really have any, he could have sex immediately, and i need more than he is giving. if it's something simple to change i say something, but it often takes me a multiple times of me telling him what i would like (such as kissing me, which for some reason he rarely does of his own accord, even during foreplay) for there to be even mild improvement. i'm sure he must know from all this that it could be better for me but he doesn't seem to really try. i don't know how to get my point across without being more forceful/direct.

i should state that i do enjoy the sex - i orgasm every time, but only because i do it myself, which limits us to a few positions where i have easy access. but it's hardly exciting, its almost exactly the same every time. i think that fixing these two problems are the first steps in making this better for me.

my question is, then, how do i bring about some change? i sometimes give suggestions for the oral sex, but that doesn't seem to work. i think a book or something might help, but how would i mention it without being clear that i think he's doing a bad job? same with the general boring passive sex routine - i feel like i've tried to give small tips for improvement, and don't know what else will make him change without making it a bigger deal, which i don't want to do. he feels easily criticized and this is one area in which i particularly don't want him to think i'm attacking him. also, i'm a wimp and i'm also nervous, i don't even know how to bring it up since my complaints are so general and negative. advice?

posted by anonymous to human relations (34 comments total)

I think that you might get better results with a specific suggestion of a new activity or position than with asking him to read a book. Giving him a whole book implies that something is lacking, and it sounds like he can't take it at this point. But if you make it sound like you heard or read about this one specific thing you want to try, whatever it is, it's more like the two of you trying a new adventure.

With oral sex - do you do it to him? Perhaps you can say you want to try the sixty-nine position, so he has to give in order to get.

Also, try praising him. He'll take any criticism more if he knows that you like what he does normally. I'd try giving him a few doses of pure praise before giving him a praise- advice combo.
posted by christinetheslp at 7:44 AM on January 20, 2007

Anonymous, you’re stating that he doesn’t even kiss you, even during foreplay, could be the problem. Don’t they say that sex has a lot to do with the Mental state as much as the Physical.
Maybe you should tell him that you like to be hugged, and kissed, and held. Does he not like the physical intimacy?? Maybe he’s stressed out, and doesn’t know how to show it. Has his work been keeping him pre-occupied?? Maybe you should both take a mini-vacation of sorts… how about taking a vacation from yourselves?? Tell him that you want to be someone else, and that you’d like him to be someone else too, and have a role-play type scenario where you’re both acting out your fantasies.
This doesn’t have to be a very in-depth fantasy—you can start off slow (whatever makes you both comfortable), and move on from there. I’m sure he won’t mind if you talk to him about it:)
posted by hadjiboy at 7:53 AM on January 20, 2007

Plus, if he loves sex as much as you say he does (and as much as every guy does), then I’m sure he’ll like the idea of you, his girlfriend, being so forthcoming.

PS. Maybe you should try speaking your mind a bit more too—don’t be afraid, or embarrassed—go on girl!
posted by hadjiboy at 7:55 AM on January 20, 2007

It's OK to say, when he indicates that he wants to have sex with you, "No." Or, "No, I don't think so, but you are welcome to try to change my mind." It's OK to say, right in the middle of everything, "I don't really like this way. Can we do something else?" Or, "I guess I'm not really into this right now. Can we stop?" It's OK to say, when he seems to think he is finished, "Hey, come here -- could you help me with this?"

You are not giving your boyfriend enough credit. You seem to think that any hint of an opinion of your own on sex will make him cry or something. He's not as fragile as you think, and if he loves you, he wants to know what you want.
posted by Methylviolet at 8:39 AM on January 20, 2007

Communication is key in a relationship. You should always be open to what you like and don't like. Your never going to reach a point where you have to stop communicating. Just keep at it. (HA! on my pun.)
posted by thetenthstory at 9:16 AM on January 20, 2007

A lot of guys are very fragile about this. I found that speaking my mind, even gently, while in bed got me a very affronted and angry man who felt as if he was being told that his dick wasn't big enough or something.

You need to sit down *outside of bed* and talk about this. Tell him that you need more, and that you're frustrated because every time you ask for something he doesn't give it to you unless you ask six or seven times. (Don't be surprised if he considers that nagging, by the way.) He may be under the assumption, as many people are, that sex = what gives him an orgasm only, and that anyone who doesn't get off from what gets him off must be 'weird' or 'frigid'.
posted by watsondog at 9:17 AM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I feel bummed for you because I know how I would feel in the situation as you've described it. I think the fact that he's not enthused about eating pussy is a bad sign about his overall desire to please, or how much your arousal increases his. There is nothing finer than a man who loves to dive into pussy, even if his technique needs adapting to your needs. I don't even usually get off from oral sex, but to me a guy who doesn't truly love and get all up in the female zone is not a good lover for me.

I do agree, though, that really the only answer is to make your needs clear. I fully understand how hard that could be if you've been kind of acting like it was already sufficient all this time, but really, your happiness is important as his, so you need to do this.
posted by loiseau at 9:20 AM on January 20, 2007

If the oral sex is not very good and you're not sure why, my best guess is that he's probably not relaxed enough to pay proper attention to your responses. It's not a matter of learning some magical technique which can be done the same way every time in order to produce "results", it's about being in tune with your partner, trying different kinds of stimulation, and sensing when she wants you to keep going and when to move on to the next area. Pretty much like kissing, come to think of it.

In terms of the kissing thing, I think some gentle teasing e.g. "Uh-uh, you have to get me interested first", delivered with a smile ought to get the message across without spoiling the mood.

Lastly, do try the coital alignment position, it provides a lot more clitoral stimulation than most positions and may allow you to orgasm without manual stimulation. Not that that's the most important thing in the world, but it's nice when it happens. It also feels really good in terms of the amount of contact it provides.
posted by teleskiving at 9:57 AM on January 20, 2007

This is sometimes considered a lame answer, but really - just show him this thread.
posted by matty at 10:00 AM on January 20, 2007

Tell him you've thought of something new to try and how happy you would be if he tried ______ on you. Be encouraging. Have props on hand (toys!) to ensure success if needed. Shower him with love for trying, and he'll keep wanting to try (and hopefully, naturally improve). Let it end in disappointment and the cold shoulder and say goodbye to your lovelife.
posted by empyrean at 10:09 AM on January 20, 2007

The book idea isn't bad per say, it's just how you bring it into your love life. Don't buy the book for him, get it for both of you and look it over yourself first. Pick out a few of the ideas that you would like to bring into the bedroom and then both of you head out to a coffee shop to pour over the pages (don't let him know you've already looked over the book).

While in public you obviously can't re-enact the suggestions (well, depending on what city or coffee shop you're in) so it will go a long way to get you both hot and bothered. Point out the few ideas in the book that you enjoyed in a sort of offhand manner, but let him know that it sounds like fun or that it's interesting.

If it were me, I would be busting at the seams by that point and willing to try anything just to get out of the coffee shop.

Second suggestion? Just take charge. While conversation is definitely key to any good relationship, sometimes talking about sex can be a no-win game since it is such a touchy subject. Figure out what you enjoy (you said that you're not sure what he's doing wrong) and be specific when you tell him. His lack of enjoyment "downtown" could be related to the fact that it doesn't do anything for you and he's reluctant to remind himself how much he's not satisfying you.
posted by purephase at 10:13 AM on January 20, 2007

Perhaps surprisingly to you, dear anonymous, the fact that he's getting off doesn't mean he thinks you're "all that," either, any more than the fact you're orgasming almost every time implies he's wonderful, when you've clearly told us he isn't. But practically, it could be much worse, and your attempts to make it better, when you yourself don't seem to know exactly what it would take to make it better, may represent, to him, considerable risk that sex will become worse, without much upside that it might become better.

After all, you're having sex several times a week, and you're both coming regularly. Against the lot of most of humankind, that's laudable. And he may not want to put that known and predictable state of things, which are pretty good, generally, at risk for something you want him to try out of books.

But, if you're hell bent on improving things, start with figuring out, pretty specifically, what you want in one area, and work on getting that. If you want to be kissed more frequently and more passionately, make that an activity that you get across to him, for say, the next several months. The way you get it across to him varies with the man, but you could try mentioning it directly, without being self-concious, and then going wild if he does try to provide it. If he begins kissing you passionately a couple times a week, and begins to correlate those efforts with times he's praised for pleasing you, or hears you praising his efforts as a lover to others, you'll be getting a lot more of that, probably, men being the simple, linear thinkers we generally are.

On the cunnilingus issues, I agree with purephase, and I have to say, unless you can figure out what you want, he's going to be hard pressed to figure it out for you, simply by trial and error. Guys like things that work, and if it doesn't seem that your going "somewhere," as a direct result of his efforts in muff diving, it may not be all that interesting an activity to him. 15 minutes of wearing out his tongue and jaw, and managing breathing, for you to exclaim, guardedly, "That was nice, what there was of it." isn't going to prompt him for repeat performances. And yet, for you, it may not be all that easy to even understand what you want, at any given moment, as you're indicating honestly, in your question. That's the nature of female anatomy, apparently, for many women. Sensitivity changes a lot throughout a sexual experience, and what is pleasurable attention at one phase, is unpleasant at the same speed or intensity a few minutes later. So, you may have to give much more explicit feedback than you think should be necessary, while he's busy down there. It may help if you "fake it, 'til he makes it" even. There's nothing wrong with pretending to be suddenly multi-orgasmic, due to his attempts at giving you what you want. So, for the sake of variety, the next time he does head south, act like a surprised and very vocal porn queen, and follow that up with out of the bed praise and compliments, and see if your sudden impressive response and obvious gratitude, out of the blue, doesn't get you a lot more chances to help him work on his technique. You may even find that your play acting helps you figure out what you want, as you have artistic license to try out lots of variations in techique, that only porn queens would otherwise get to try. After all, if he's driving you out of your mind, you can hardly be held responsible for what you've said, or asked for, right?
posted by paulsc at 10:18 AM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Please be advised that most guys in a committed relationship will put up with a lot of things if it means they will get to have sex. Letting him know that you need more warm-up time is fine - he will more than likely be OK with this, because after the warm-up he will get to have sex. It all depends on how you approach things. Find a way to tell him (or better yet, show him) that you would be more into things (or into things more often) when you're properly taken care of ahead of time. Sex with an unresponsive partner is better than no sex, but sex with a cooperative partner, one who responds to his actions, is always much better. Once he sees that more foreplay leads to more of the latter and less of the former, you will have gone a long way towards solving one of your problems.

From a guy's perspective though, it can occasionally get frustrating if the foreplay is a hard rule. If you're OK with just going for it on occasion - when you're both into the idea but he's overly tired or stressed, for example - he will be less likely to see the warm-up as a necessary chore. The last thing you want is for him to resent it.

Try to keep it fun. I don't know how forward you are willing to be, but you might try taking charge of your own warm-up. You can probably find a lot of things that will feel good for both of you that do not involve full penetration until you are ready for it. He might be quite happy to have you direct the show for a while, especially if you're usually more shy and reserved. If he feels that he brings this out in you, well hell, how much better can you make a guy feel about his sexuality? Use that to your advantage. So long as you find a positive way to put things (perhaps "You make me feel so good, I want this to last as long as possible"?) you can give him constructive criticism without him seeing it as an assault on his abilities in bed, which would only lead to resentment and more problems.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:38 AM on January 20, 2007

im not so good with these non-technical answers. i feel like this is one of those "im glad you had the nerve to ask" kind of questions, but not one that you will likely find an answer to - an answer that will give you the courage to act with the kind of confidence your partner will undoubtedly need to feed off of if you want to "change things up".

i personally think foreplay is a necessary part of sex, a necessary part of life really. we live in a society dominated by various form of entertainment - some private, some public. i say, if you know what you want out of your sexual relationship, ask for it! have a couple of drinks first if its "too kinky". bottom line, if he's not interested/capable of satisfying you, maybe you should move on.
posted by phaedon at 11:09 AM on January 20, 2007

It may help if you "fake it, 'til he makes it" even. There's nothing wrong with pretending to be suddenly multi-orgasmic, due to his attempts at giving you what you want.
posted by paulsc

No, this is utter bullshit. There is everything wrong with this.

We are playing tennis, and you suddenly start flailing like an epileptic, unable to hit a single shot? "Ooh, Methy, you are like Anna Kournikova -- but hotter!" We are stuck in traffic in my VW Bug, and you suddenly start pressing yourself against the seat, swaying way to the side as I change lanes? "Ohh, Vi, Baby, speed turns me on!"

You are enacting this ridiculous farce, making you a fraud, and what does it make me? Your dupe -- either because I don't care enough to look past the ego-gratification, or because I'm dumb -- or your victim -- I am real with you, I am giving myself to you, but you don't trust me enough to do the same.

So, no. Be bored, have a headache, break up, whatever -- but if you ever cared about this guy, don't fake it.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:33 AM on January 20, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

"... but if you ever cared about this guy, don't fake it."
posted by Methylviolet at 2:33 PM EST on January 20

And there you have it, anon. The old sex-as-play-and-discovery vs. sex-as-naked-honesty conundrum. Sigh...

I didn't mean to imply you should decieve the guy. Or, that you shouldn't. 'Cause, really, that's up to you to decide, if you do this. It works, both ways, in different circumstances, in the great big real world of human behavior.
posted by paulsc at 11:45 AM on January 20, 2007

He might not get into the oral sex part because you might be ripe. Hate to be blunt, but - if it's too fishy, I can't get into it.
posted by notsnot at 12:06 PM on January 20, 2007

(You know, there's a huge difference between being vocal and faking it. In one, you magnify your range of reactions: if something doesn't work for you, you make it clear you're bored, and if it does work for you, you make it clear you're excited. In the other, you flatten out your range of reactions, acting excited no matter what he does. One amplifies the signals you're sending, the other damps them down to a monotonous and meaningless "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

So yeah. Faking is bad. But being more vocal, even if you have to be a bit deliberate about it at first, is often very, very good. Give him louder, clearer feedback — silence if he's off the mark, enthusiastic moaning if he's getting warmer, dissapointed "that-was-nice-why'd-you-stop" moaning if he's getting colder — and you may well find his technique improving. If you're being honest in the content of your reactions, it's not lying — it's telling the truth louder and clearer to ensure that the truth is heard.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:36 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Its best to bring up your concerns in a general "let's make sex more fun" type thing. Like don't say sex is boring, but that you want to spice things up a bit.

It sounds like you have some general communications issues. That's really what's in the way, not the request itself. Sounds like you have difficultly asking for what you want and he gets all defensive. Try this book.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:32 PM on January 20, 2007

Also couch it in terms of you wanting to discover new things about your sexuality. That way he's a helper, not a cause.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:35 PM on January 20, 2007

I don't get *at all* the idea of treating the guy like he's a puppy you're trying to train. Be really fake-loud to show him he's doing better, give him effusive praise afterward?

I'd much rather a guy say to me some day, "You know what I'd love? I'd love it if you'd suck me really, really hard [for example]. That would feel so fucking good." It would make me want to try sucking him really, really hard post-haste.

I love a guy to tell me plainly what he likes so that I can please him than to make me divine this with the help of only some variation in sounds and a nice pat-pat on the head after sex.
posted by loiseau at 2:37 PM on January 20, 2007

"... I love a guy to tell me plainly what he likes so that I can please him than to make me divine this with the help of only some variation in sounds and a nice pat-pat on the head after sex."
posted by loiseau at 5:37 PM EST on January 20

You'll have no problems with most guys, loiseau, because most guys know what they like, and aren't bashful asking for it. I know I'm not :-) But our poor anon isn't even sure what to ask for:

"... and while i try to direct him i'm not exactly sure myself what he's doing wrong, i just know it isn't right."

On top of that, she's nervous and afraid of coming off as overly critical:

"...also, i'm a wimp and i'm also nervous, i don't even know how to bring it up since my complaints are so general and negative."

She may also feel inhibited by reactions she's already gotten from her boyfriend:

"... i'm sure he must know from all this that it could be better for me but he doesn't seem to really try."

And yet, y'all think my giving her the same advice that Lee Strasberg gave Method actors is somehow going to blacken her soul, and screw up her life. Pardon me while I disagree, and keep thinking that anonymous might just be looking for technical suggestions, and can handle her own head games. There's power in the Method, because sometimes acting like a character, you become the character. Whether she tells her boyfriend they're putting on a play for each other or not, is a moral choice I leave with her, to focus on the technical suggestion. Which is simply to give the guy some larger, more memorable and involving story arc in her sex life than just "Pretty please. That was so nice. I hope we can do that again, soon."

She thinks she needs more muff diving attention, she'd do worse than trying, intentionally, to be a more interesting muff, herself. Where and how is she going to learn to do that, when she feels her current relationship is stunted and doesn't apparently foster the kind of open, non-judgemental communication you'd have her depend upon? It would be great if posters in this thread were offering sure fire ways to create such an emotional climate, that would then create the intensely erotic and romantic sex life anonymous seeks, but absent that, I'll stick with suggesting the Method, and leave it to anonymous to decide how big to play the role, and which videos to incorporate in her internal script.

It's just a suggestion, but one with tested results, and Oscars and Oscar nominations to its credit :-).
posted by paulsc at 3:14 PM on January 20, 2007

The Joy of Sex. If its anything like my creativeless sexing in the past, sitting down TOGETHER and reading a book like this one and showing him how excited you are about getting excited will usually result in not finishing but a page or two before its dropped on the floor.
posted by iurodivii at 4:04 PM on January 20, 2007

i'm sure he must know from all this that it could be better for me but he doesn't seem to really try.

I had the exact same issue with a boyfriend. He never,
ever listened when I tried to talk to him about what I wanted in bedand he got very, very angry when I lost interest in sex because he was more or less totally inept.

Eventually I had to dump him. Boring sex can kill a relationship.
posted by winna at 4:05 PM on January 20, 2007

Everyone has their own tastes, but most guys I know enjoy it when a woman is assertive in the bedroom at least some of the time. If you want more variety, make it happen. Not by talking about it, but by physically doing it and guiding him . I seriously doubt he will not be happy to play along. Lingerie can give a big boost to your efforts as well.

When you want him to go south, make sure you have showered and smell pleasant. Don't ask, guide him physically. If he is truly remedial then the best tips I have are to show him how to find the clitoris, tell him to use figure eights and change up the intensity (a little verbal or physical guiding here can help).
posted by Manjusri at 4:31 PM on January 20, 2007

You'll have no problems with most guys, loiseau, because most guys know what they like, and aren't bashful asking for it.

Unless he is being as reductive as "guys want blowjobs and fucking and a steak dinner" I don't think that this is true or helpful. And even then, lots of guys are bashful about asking for those things. And some guys really want to be spanked and given a tofu dinner and hate blowjobs.

I don't, however, think that his earlier advice is all terrible, if for no other reason than that you can't control the other person, but you can control yourself. Your boyfriend may never be Mr Stud, but you can be Ms Sexpot if you want to. I'm not in favor of faking orgasms, but I do think that positive reinforcement can really work ("Dude, that was the hardest I've ever come; I get wet just thinking about it" is a lot better than the silent treatment).

Really, I don't think things will work without communication. There are better and worse ways ("I statements" versus screaming accusations, say) but in the end you will have to communicate what is and isn't working to each other. (For example, we know from your question that you aren't thrilled with your sex life, but is he? He might be even less happy with it than you are, or maybe he is totally content; you need to learn this.)

But there are a lot of ways to get there. Having a capital-T Talk is the traditional way, but doesn't always work that well, as most of us know. You can add a mediator --- that's the basic idea behind couples' counseling. You can hand him a book or a website --- if he's really nerdy and bookish, that might be a superb approach, where he can have the time to study and come to terms on his own, without the pressure of a conversation. You can be a mime --- that's the underlying idea behind Paulsc's suggestion, that you communicate your dissatisfaction with the status quo by acting out and defining a new sort of intimacy. If you guys are visual, you can draw pictures, or watch porn together. There are retreats and workshops for couples to work on intimacy, if you have that kind of comfort with group process. Some people find that role play, or tie-me-up-tie-me-down, allows them to take on a very different persona, and do very different things.

But all of these things have some sort of risk involved; there is no magic bullet that will cause him to only make the changes you want. You can't change your relationship without, well, changing your relationship.
posted by Forktine at 5:25 PM on January 20, 2007

Don't give him any tips for improvement. Don't tell him what you don't like. If you can be a bit more specific and rephrase your concerns in the form of "I need..." and "I want..." than that should be enough on your part. Any decent man should be eager and willing to give the woman he loves what she needs and wants. And don't beat around the bush. You're both adults. Just come out and say it eg I want more oral sex. Also, there's no reason to stop at sex. You want more romance? Tell him. You want more excitement? Tell him. You want him to start fucking you longer and to turn 15 minutes of rutting into three hours of passionate intimacy? Tell him. Again, this isn't about him and this isn't criticism. All you have to do is use the magic words 'This is what I want you to do...'

On a more general note if your boyfriend 'feels easily criticized' then do tell him to grow up. And please do a bit of growing up yourself. It's so silly how so many women these days are petrified of coming off as as shrill, needy bitches and so many men expect their women to be oh-so-supportive mother-types. If you two are both adults then you shouldn't be so afraid of a little bruised egos. If you both love each other than working through minor rough spots like this shouldn't be so difficult. Someday life will throw something really difficult at you two and then where will be?
posted by nixerman at 5:40 PM on January 20, 2007

Don't cut him off of sex, but you need to be a little bit more forceful about telling him what you need.

If he doesn't want to 'play along' then just tell him he'll have to wait for another night.

But don't expect him to be psychic, either. Guys are dumb. Spell it out in detail.
posted by empath at 6:46 PM on January 20, 2007

You don't really say, speaking of oral sex, whether things are reciprocated. I have known plenty of women who have fully expected men to want to give oral pleasure, but hate giving blow jobs, or have a slightly hidden distaste for it. Might the problem be something like this? If he's not getting any, then why should he give?

Real men, in my book, worship pussy. But, then again, in my book, real women worship dick.

Ideally, I guess, love making should be kind of an all-consuming passion for the pleasure of the partner, at least at times. If he's not there, you definitely need to talk to him and express something of your needs.
posted by geekhorde at 10:45 PM on January 20, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

get a new boyfriend.

the fact is that nearly all couples stop having oral sex or anything 'adventurous' with any frequency after enough time together. my guess is that most of the responders stating that you just need to talk to him or give him a book or whatever are younger and haven't been in (m)any long-term relationships lasting 3 or 5 or 10 years.

for both genders it is *novelty* and that initial rush of romance that leads them to more adventurous (and less convenient) sexual practices: extensive flirting and foreplay, oral/anal sex, multiple consecutive sessions, etc. after that initial rush fades, a high percentage of couples settle into a routine of whatever works for both of them.

my point is that from the standpoint of a long-term relationship your expectations are not necessarily realistic for about 90% of the men you're going to meet (with your current lover clearly falling into that group). so if you're bound and determined to have adventurous or more frequent sex and also be in a long-term thing, you'll have to dump your current boyfriend and set that as a prerequisite in your pursuit of a new man.

and you won't really know for certain until you've been together for a number of years...so your best bet is to find a guy who has been in LTR's before and discuss it with him to see how his sex life panned out in those scenarios.

the other option is to try to seduce him in ways that add new novelty to your love life...spring some kind of role-playing fantasy on him you think or know he'll like. some couples have success with that.
posted by jjsonp at 10:07 AM on January 21, 2007

Guys like things that work, and if it doesn't seem that your going "somewhere," as a direct result of his efforts in muff diving, it may not be all that interesting an activity to him.

Christ. If you even suspect this is true of your boyfriend, get a new boyfriend. Or at least another. Pleasuring your sexual partner is its own reward. If he doesn't get off on getting you off, there's a problem - likely with him. Maybe he just needs to open up. Is he stressed out? People who aren't terribly satisfied in life can see sex as the place to get satisfaction - understandable, but also really unfair, and kind of self-defeating.

Disregard any "gotta give to get" bullshit. Sex isn't a spreadsheet (Hah.) But the question of whether you're going down on him is relevant, more to get to the truth of your mutual attraction and chemistry.

And I hate to bring it up, but how sure are you of his attraction to you? No kissing and disinterest in oral sex aren't good signs. Maybe he's stressed; maybe you do need to be more playful; maybe you both need to put more energy toward the mental/emotional aspects of your relationship for a while; maybe you two just aren't compatible.

In this way I can see the logic of, erm, embellishing your reactions a little. But tread carefully there. You need more honesty, not less. People tend to be more attracted to people who are attracted to them.

Real men, in my book, worship pussy. But, then again, in my book, real women worship dick.

Hooray for heteronormativity!
posted by poweredbybeard at 10:17 AM on January 21, 2007

you'll have to dump your current boyfriend and set that as a prerequisite in your pursuit of a new man.

Or just get another. Maybe there's stuff you're getting out of the current relationship you really value - that doesn't necessarily have to be thrown out just because the sex isn't porntastic.

Of course most people - including myself at times - aren't secure enough to deal with partners having other partners. But I still don't undestand why more people don't consider it.
posted by poweredbybeard at 10:21 AM on January 21, 2007

jjsonp writes "my guess is that most of the responders stating that you just need to talk to him or give him a book or whatever are younger and haven't been in (m)any long-term relationships lasting 3 or 5 or 10 years."

Perhaps. But I personally spoke from the perspective of a thirty-something who has been in the same committed relationship for 16 years. There doesn't have to be reciprocation orally, there doesn't have to be novelty, but there does have to be open, honest communication. Take it for what it's worth.
posted by caution live frogs at 4:58 PM on January 21, 2007

the fact is that nearly all couples stop having oral sex or anything 'adventurous' with any frequency after enough time together. my guess is that most of the responders stating that you just need to talk to him or give him a book or whatever are younger and haven't been in (m)any long-term relationships lasting 3 or 5 or 10 years.

Have to disagree with this blanket statement. Sex dies if you want it to. Who quits having oral sex after 3 years?
posted by Ironmouth at 2:16 PM on January 23, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]