Who gets custody of the kitty?

January 15, 2007 5:47 PM

Two cats; one belongs to me, one belongs to roommate. Roommate is moving out. Will the kitties be better off together, or is it okay to seperate them?

My girlfriend and I have lived together for 2 years and we've come to the understanding that I just don't like living with my lover. At least, not at this point in my life (I'm 24). More on that in another thread...

Anyway, she has a 3-year-old cat. I just so happen to have one, too. While they're not exactly "best friends", they do tolerate each other. They even share litterboxes and food without many fights.

The girlfriend and I are still going to continue our relationship, but in seperate houses. She thinks that the cats should stay together. I'd like to keep my kitty, as long as that won't cause some emotional/psychological breakdown for him.

What would be less stressful for him--losing his playmate, or moving to a new house without me?

posted by bhayes82 to pets & animals (20 comments total)

They'll be fine apart. There is no need to keep them together.
posted by necessitas at 5:53 PM on January 15, 2007

This may sound silly, but why not keep them together and then adopt two more from your local shelter? Always plenty of cats to go around. But I'm sure they would be fine apart. If your cat is young enough it may even be okay to introduce a second cat into the household, which comes with its own set of challenges.
posted by adzm at 5:57 PM on January 15, 2007

Cats don't form long term relationships like we do, or like dogs do. They don't miss those who leave, and don't mourn those who die.

I love cats, but fact is they're not actually very smart. Their thinking processes are not actually very sophisticated. If you separate the two cats, they'll be fine.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 5:57 PM on January 15, 2007

A change in environment would probably be more stressful for your cat than his kitty-mate moving out. Most cats are solitary creatures - I know one of my cats would loooooove if her kitty-mate suddenly "disappeared". If he seems terribly lonely though, why not adopt a new kitten?
posted by tastybrains at 6:06 PM on January 15, 2007

This isn't about cats.

I think your girlfriend's fairly naked attempt to continue to have a hold on/connection to you through your cat is something you want to address with her. What does she think it means that you two will not be living together? Ask her, so you can compare notes. If what you really want is to "take a break"/break up, it will be easier for her if you tell her so, and do it as clean as possible.
posted by Methylviolet at 6:09 PM on January 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Cats don't form long term relationships like we do...."

Not true... I've seen cats that have groomed and nurtured a housemate that is ill or dying, it is very clear that they have a relationship. Steven, if you have research that suggests otherwise, point it out to us.

Another consideration is that, unless you are home 24/7, leaving a single cat all alone much of the day is not a happy thought.

I agree with the "keep them together and adopt two more cats" suggestion.
posted by HuronBob at 6:28 PM on January 15, 2007

Keep your cat.

And what Methylviolet said.


Will the cats be sad for a bit? Maybe, but the cat will also be sad when you move your plate out of reach or forget to clean the litterbox or a hundred other normal things. They'll be fine.
posted by desuetude at 6:33 PM on January 15, 2007

The least stressful option would be for them to stay where they are - but that doesn't seem to be one of the two options on the table. Either it's you keep yours or she keeps both.

Now, if you're both moving away from your current apartment, I could see that, but if you're staying and she's going, then why you keeping them together not on the table?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:50 PM on January 15, 2007

I'd like to keep my kitty, as long as that won't cause some emotional/psychological breakdown for him.

emotional/psychological breakdown?! It's a cat, it's not going to fall apart and start drinking and taking pills while making teary phone calls at 3am in the morning, wondering what it did to drive the other cat away. Pet it a bit more and quit hogging all the tuna.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:56 PM on January 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

I agree with Brandon. To a cat, this is a perfect opportunity for the owner to overcompensate for their "loss". It will act as dramatic as it needs to ensure the overcompensation. Keeping them together will be a big disappointment in the kitty world if it means no tuna.
posted by dness2 at 7:00 PM on January 15, 2007

the cats will be fine, but maybe a little lonely. i know my cat was when my ex and his cat moved out. i got a kitten to keep him company, and now the three of us are very happy together.
posted by elisabeth r at 7:02 PM on January 15, 2007

I dsagree that cats do not form relationships. I am backed up by the feral cat rescue network I work with, which includes two Cornell-trained vets. No, the relationships are not like human or dog relationships, but they are there. And some are quite intense.

It might be that these two did not have a relationship that would be a stressful loss. I do think you should take your kitty and adopt a new kitty. Only kitty is often lonely kitty. Consider a feral that has been crossed over by a volunteer or foster care family in your area! Don't let the "feral" scare you. When properly socialized, they can be wonderful companions.
posted by oflinkey at 7:36 PM on January 15, 2007

That cats can't mourn, or miss those (cat or human) who leave them is downright nutty. Google feline depression. That said, it's hard to predict whether your pair of cats in particular would be happier together or apart.

If you and your girlfriend both end up living without other humans, the cats will go suddenly from always having someone, cat or human, in the house, to being alone a lot. That's a big difference. Some cats would be just fine with that, or prefer it. Others not. Again, too much depends on the individual for me to have an answer.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 7:50 PM on January 15, 2007

It's a cat, it's not going to fall apart and start drinking and taking pills while making teary phone calls at 3am in the morning, wondering what it did to drive the other cat away.

No, instead they start meowing all night, scratching up things, cleaning themselves until they have bald spots, and shitting and pissing in places you do not want cats to shit and piss. That's not to say these cats will do that, but cats who miss their cats certainly can get that bad.

But it's not like you can't change your mind about the cats later. If you want your kitty, then separate them; if it turns out that your cat or her cat is not thriving because of separation issues, reunite the cats at one location, secure visiting rights, and give another kitty or two from the SPCA a home in the other place.
posted by mendel at 7:59 PM on January 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

I support what oflinkey said about feral cats. We have two, they are the most amazing, loving, and interesting cats in the house. (don't ask how many, it would put me in crazy cat person status!)
posted by HuronBob at 8:01 PM on January 15, 2007

Personally, I would keep your own cat (leaving pets behind is abhorrent to me, but I tend to consider them family members) and adopt a new one to keep him/her happy.
posted by Joh at 9:05 PM on January 15, 2007

Let the pair go and get another pair. One cat is like one shoe, to me, anyway.

It is almost NO additional effort to care for two versus one, and if you are lucky and get two who interact well, play, sleep, cuddle, pose, fight, investigate, etc. you'll love it. Related kittens are best for that. They never outgrow being litter mates. It's much harder to acheive with two adult cats put together as adults.

I have three adults now, and they hate each other. They're not that crazy about me, come to think of it. But two is as low as I can imagine going. They, on the other hand, would love to assassinate my wife, whom I divine they correctly assess as being less committed to feline worship than me. (I really don't think she appreciates the depth of their zeal, either!)

If the roomie is doing a "mine, mine, mine!" thing, you'll short circuit it by agreeing. If not, you'll be doing her a kindness because she wants the other kitty. If you wind up "together and in separate digs", you'll own two toasters, so why not two pairs of kitties?
posted by FauxScot at 3:26 AM on January 16, 2007

Take your cat with you. Get a second if your cat is lonely. I suspect both cats will be just fine. Plus, if you do eventually move back in with your girlfriend, do you really want to have 3 or 4 cats?

FauxScot clearly has never had demando-cats like mine. I nearly fell over laughing at the "...almost NO additional effort..." bit. My husband's cat is a dream. She is sweet, loving, and very clean. She mourned the loss of my Persian (for about an hour) and then celebrated her perceived dominance of the universe. Six months later, we adopted a Burmese who is loud, skittish, and objects to litterboxes as much as the Persian did. I love her but she's disgusting. So, when Ella passes, no more cats for me. My husband can continue to have his, though. I'll just keep dogs.
posted by onhazier at 6:28 AM on January 16, 2007

Anyway, she has a 3-year-old cat. I just so happen to have one, too. While they're not exactly "best friends", they do tolerate each other. They even share litterboxes and food without many fights

This is notable. They're not littermates, they're not the schmmoopyiest bestfriendcats, they tolerate each other.

If you keep your cat, you may find that she/he's perfectly happy without a cat pal. Let your cat play you for extra treats for a couple of weeks before you decide.
posted by desuetude at 6:28 AM on January 16, 2007

Cats can often be fine as solitary pets. Kittens less so. My cat sleeps all freaking day when I'm not around. How do I know? Because he sleeps all freaking day when I am. I have to hunt him down and wake him up to play. It seems I'm the creature who gets lonely around the house.
posted by yeti at 7:50 AM on January 16, 2007