If you don’t use it, you lose it?

January 13, 2007 9:25 AM

Where has my sex drive gone?

I am a heterosexual woman, about 40. Soon after I first became sexually active, I could orgasm 95% of the time with penetrative intercourse, often multiple times. A hot look across a crowded room and I’d be aroused. One deep kiss and I’d be soaking wet. . I was adventurous and always ready. I think a big part of my interest in sex was the mutuality. I think maybe seeing myself desired went a long to fuelling my arousal. I never actually succeeded in masturbating to the point of orgasm, but it was (back then) a pleasurable activity when there was no one available to play with.

Now, I’ve been happily married for a long time but my husband is impotent due to illness and has been completely so for the last 3 years. We have a deep and loving relationship, so please do not suggest fixing my problem by leaving him, manipulating him or cheating on him. He is uncomfortable with sex now, including conversations about sex, suggestions that he might do other things – and honestly, I’d feel enormously uncomfortable if it were a one way street, if my orgasm/pleasure was the sole purpose for the activity.

Okay, here’s the issue. I miss orgasm. I’ve tried masturbating, but it’s become less satisfying, not more, and I have trouble even in becoming aroused. In fact, it’s become akin to rubbing any part of my body – nice enough for a bit, but irritating shortly thereafter. I’ve tried vibrators too with no better results. I’ve tried reading online pornography, but as a story progresses, it seems the only way for it to advance is with the characters performing more and more unusual sex acts, which seems faintly ridiculous to me. All the female characters seem to be 10 to 15 years younger than me and of a degree of hotness that makes me invisible by comparison. I certainly feel much less desirable than I used to be. My very large breasts now sag terribly, and while I have lost a fair amount of weight, I have a (diminishing) gut.

So, yeah, I know it’s long, here it is, summarised.
I don’t get any sex.
Masturbation isn’t working out.
I can’t even seem to get physically aroused.
I feel undesirable.
How do I get me a nice little orgasm then?

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

if you are 40, you are probably also going into menopause, which often causes a decline in sex drive. talk to your doctor about it.

also, you and your husband may want to get some therapy and see if you can find non-intercourse ways of having fun. there are lots. many men get a lot of pleasure out of giving pleasure. just take the pressure off of orgasming for both of you and you might find your way back to a more sexual life.
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:35 AM on January 13, 2007

Surely if you and your husband are in a "deep and loving relationship" then he would want to help you achieve sexual satisfaction even if it is a one-way street due to his illness. Is not doing things (not just sexually) simply to make the other person happy a key part of love? Explain to your husband exactly what you explained to us; if he loves you there's no reason for him to be uncomfortable talking about sex. If he is uncomfortable, help him get over it.
posted by modernnomad at 9:38 AM on January 13, 2007

I don't know about "probably also going into menopause", but it's worth discussing it with your GYN. Perhaps different types of porn? Lots out there besides stores to read.
posted by DenOfSizer at 9:39 AM on January 13, 2007

Sounds like your sex drie is where it's always been. With your husband.

Just because your husband can't get hard doesn't mean there aren't other ways he can get you off. I can count at least five on one hand.

Get that boy to therapy if he's unwilling to do that, or even talk about it.

They call it "marital duties" for a reason.
posted by Ookseer at 9:40 AM on January 13, 2007

I'd agree with part of what Ookseer said: your sex drive is vested in mutual desire. And your husband, for perfectly understandable reasons, either has no desire at the moment or is unwilling to express that desire.

I'd suggest leaving your girlbits alone for a while--absence makes the clit throb harder. And find a way to get him some counselling to deal with the side effects of his illness.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:47 AM on January 13, 2007

I don’t get any sex.
Masturbation isn’t working out.
I can’t even seem to get physically aroused.
I feel undesirable.
How do I get me a nice little orgasm then?

the problem here is the first sentence: "I don't get any sex".

you seem to massively underplay here the enormous significance of your husband's impotence. at 40, you have basically sworn off every form of sexual contact except intercourse for the rest of your life: it's a radical decision. made worse by your husband's unwillingness to explore alternative, nonpenetrative ways to still have intimacy (which is understandable in his condition but he's making things worse).

to sum it up: it's nobody's fault he's impotent, not his but certainly not yours. let me repeat: certainly not yours.

I'd seriously think about therapy for both of you in order to be able to go back to having a sex life richer than the frankly very depressing I'll-masturbate-and-nothing-else-for-the-rest-of-my-life.
maybe your husband needs help to overcome his obvious feeling of -- pardon the pun -- impotence, his frustration, his guilt. and really, you don't deserve to go down with the ship so to speak, I'm sure there are many ways to still have a sex life with a partner who's unable to get an erection.

I'm pretty sure a good therapist can help you. AskMefi, not so much. good luck and don't let this bad stuff drag you into depression.
posted by matteo at 9:52 AM on January 13, 2007

"you have basically sworn off every form of sexual contact, especially intercourse"

my bad
posted by matteo at 9:54 AM on January 13, 2007

if you are 40, you are probably also going into menopause

Probably not, actually. Menopause, on average, doesn't begin till about 50. 40 isn't unheard of, but it would certainly count as early menopause. Might be worth mentioning to a doctor, though, just to see. Difficulty with arousal can have a number of other physiological causes, too -- depression, for one (could you be depressed over this?), as well as a side effect of some medications (some antidepressants, birth control pills, blood pressure meds, etc).

Beyond that, I really agree with matteo -- there is a whole world of sexual activity between solo masturbation and penetrative intercourse, and, like modernnomad says, I would hope a dedicated and loving couple would both want to navigate those waters (sorry for the mixed metaphor), even as difficult as it may be, when intercourse is not an option. I wonder if your sex life before his illness included a lot of non-intercourse activity -- mutual masturbation, oral sex, etc.? If so, then it's a case of trying to get back to an element of something that's already an established part of your mutual sexual history. If not, though, I understand how that might seem scary and even disorienting to both of you -- like you've both got to learn a new set of tricks under what seems like less-than-optimal circumstances.

Also, as you say, there's an underlying dynamic that sexual activity that results in your orgasm is somehow fundamentally uneven or unfair -- you get off, he doesn't. I would guess that that's probably the biggest hurdle for both of you. I wonder if the key might be to stop reducing the idea of mutual sexual activity (as it sort of seems like you do here) to nothing more than the means by which you get off. Can it be a way to express, more broadly, your shared intimacy -- a bond you've kept in the face of a terrible challenge that might break others apart? Can it be about mutual pleasure -- i.e., the pleasure he receives from your touch (even though it will not end in his orgasm) just as much as the pleasure you receive from his (even though your pleasure might end in orgasm?), as well as the emotional pleasure you get in pleasuring the other? In other words, can you two find a way in which the orgasm imbalance might not even matter (or at least not matter so much)? I do think it's possible, but it will involve conversation to get there, and maybe even the help of a therapist.

As for porn, there's lots of erotic fiction out there that isn't limited to impossibly hot 20-somethings doing increasingly ridiculous things to each other. This might be a good place to get some ideas for alternatives (nsfw, obviously).

Good luck, Anon. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
posted by scody at 11:39 AM on January 13, 2007

It seems like there are two problems here:

1. Your husband can't have intercourse
2. You're starting to feel undesirable, which makes porn and masturbation not so fun

As far as #1 is concerned, I can see how your husband would be sensitive about the issue. But on the other hand, I'm kind of the antithesis of you...it's extremely tough for me to orgasm and always has been. Does this mean that I refuse to be with my husband just because I won't get off? Of course not. Making him happy makes me happy. Your husband needs to concentrate on your happiness now and then.

#2 would be easier for your husband to help you out with, I should think. Ask him to let you know that you're beautiful. Do whatever you need to do to feel sexy again...I know that I usually feel sexy after a weight loss, a haircut, or with some new lingerie, but YMMV. I know my examples seem shallow, but I suppose I impress myself easily :)

You shouldn't have to resign yourself to a lifetime of feeling this way. Good luck!
posted by christinetheslp at 11:53 AM on January 13, 2007

I don’t get any sex.
Masturbation isn’t working out.
I can’t even seem to get physically aroused.
I feel undesirable.
How do I get me a nice little orgasm then?

matteo: the problem here is the first sentence: "I don't get any sex".

I'd guess the problem is really the forth sentence. I'm inclined to agree with dirtynumbangelboy who echoes what Ookseer said: as your sex drive is vested in mutual desire, your husband should step up to the plate and take one for the team (so to speak.) Every man has times when Mr. Johnson calls in sick and there ain't no shame in going with plan B.
posted by three blind mice at 1:49 PM on January 13, 2007

matteo and chrstinetheslp say pretty much all their is to say on this.

As only my own opinion, and not a recommendation of any kind, if I were your husband I would allow, actually demand, that you find sexual pleasure with another person.

Asking you to give up sex just because he can no longer perform does not fit any definition of "generous" or "loving". Again, my opinion.

Also, are you SURE you've tried everything? I have known cases where Viagra and penis pumps have allowed paraplegics to achieve an erection. This was usually to self-fit a catheter, but could be used for a form of sexual activity, even if it were "one sided" so to speak.
posted by Ynoxas at 1:56 PM on January 13, 2007

Though I agree with the posters who suggest that your husband needs to take some responsibility for your happiness (whether that means doing something physically or even just talking about it), I also want to add this:

You've lost something important to you (your prior sexual relationship with your husband), and you need to mourn it's loss. A part of you is probably also angry. Repressed sadness and anger -- especially when connected with spouses or significant others -- can have quite a diminishing effect on the libido.
posted by treepour at 3:49 PM on January 13, 2007

Marijuana. It works wonders for some. Hubby too.
posted by spitbull at 4:23 PM on January 13, 2007

IANAD, but:

An off-label use for anti-depressant Welbutrin is that it apparently has SOME effect in enhancing sex drive in many women. It may have positive effects for you and an ObGYN may not know about it. A psychiatrist would, and it may be a relatively benign route to achieving what you want... a minimally satisfying sex life. Side effects are minimal.

If you look at Maslow's heirarchy of needs, you'll note that sex appears on two levels... the basic physiological one at the bottom and the self-esteem one, about mid way up. You are missing out on both. That spells bad news down the road.

You can meet the lower one at the bottom solo, but you have a bigger problem with that 'Love/Belonging' aspect that's going to demand some attention. This is already causing you problems, by your own admission at both levels. It will probably get worse. Things sound a little dysfunctional in your relationship, as many others have alluded to.

I think this is a clear case where monogamy fails to provide an answer for your specific case. Perhaps you might want to investigate alternative relationship structures. It's NOT cheating if everyone is in on it. I know several people in similar situations who have had to accomodate major sexual drive assymetry and who have done so in either destructive or constructive ways. You are welcome to email me (in profile).

Good luck, regardless. It's a tough place you are in.
posted by FauxScot at 5:15 PM on January 13, 2007

try some online chat sex or phone sex with someone? real human interaction, even via a virtualising and anonymising medium, is far sexier than consumption of ready-made material.

look at it this way: you are by your own description a sexual woman with, potentially, decades of sexual activity in front of you; you need to find some way actualise the potential. so your 'standards' may have to acquire a little elasticity, and so may your husband's. maybe you can rationalise it to yourself and him so that phone or internet chat sex won't count as cheating.
posted by londongeezer at 5:16 PM on January 13, 2007

and may be he can participate.
posted by londongeezer at 5:16 PM on January 13, 2007

From your posts it sounds like you're all out of touch with yourself... one word for you: exercise. Aside from the good advice above about the circumstances of your relationship, I promise you that if you start doing some vigorous cardio exercise like running three times a week, you will feel sexier, stronger, and more comfortable in your own skin. The mental effects may be even more important than the physical.
posted by loiseau at 8:20 PM on January 13, 2007

Forgive me if this comes across as overly snarky, but here's my take:

Your husband needs to come to terms with his impotence, plain and simple. It's truly unfortunate; but it's not that uncommon and there's no reason you both need to be celibate because of it. It's simply a myth that penetrative sex is the only "real" sex, and as other posters have pointed out there are other ways to get off. Your husband may not orgasm, but there's certainly some enjoyment inherent in pleasuring your partner.

If he's not receptive to any of this, there are sex therapists who exist for exactly this kind of thing (or even regular therapists). If he won't go, go by yourself.

In the meantime, keep taking care of yourself and your relationship. Maybe you can go on 'dates?' Not necessarily with a sexual or romantic overtone, just something to remind you both of why you married each other. It sounds like you've become uncomfortable with yourself, and having fun with someone who gets you and loves you is a really good way to find that comfort again.

There's some really good advice in this thread, I hope it helps you.
posted by AV at 8:47 PM on January 13, 2007

It sounds like you derive a lot of pleasure from your husband. Maybe you should try and pleasure yourself without having your husband in the picture. I mean that maybe you should try and stop thinking about him all the time, and just concentrate on yourself for awhile. Take a nice warm bath, read a good book, go out, have fun—do all those things that you and your husband used to do before this pesky little problem came up, and maybe that’ll spur your libido back into action as well??
I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot.
posted by hadjiboy at 1:35 AM on January 14, 2007

May I make a suggestion? If you have some disposal income (~$1200), this may be your answer.
posted by Pressed Rat at 11:35 AM on January 14, 2007

uh, disposable, that is
posted by Pressed Rat at 11:35 AM on January 14, 2007

I think you should investigate other uses for a handheld massaging showerhead. Maybe after an activity that makes you feel desirable in other ways-- I agree with the many others who say your not feeling desirable is the fundamental issue.

That having been said, showerhead also removes (or at least changes) the difficulties with low lubrication. And if you decide you're not into it, you can have a good back massage anyways. (And who couldn't use that)?

And if you *do* find it, uh, useful- then hubby can help out by joining you in the shower.
posted by nat at 10:01 PM on January 14, 2007

Correcting Pressed Rat's HTML - Sybian Link.

You might try looking for a better class of erotica The internet is not the best source of Fine Erotic Writing, though it might be a good place to look for real books and such. You might start out with a top notch, enlightened sex store like Good Vibrations and checking out the books and advanced playthings. It seems a lot of women have trouble reaching orgasm and there is much advanced technique and technology being thrown at the problem.

A lot of people find they have very particular fantasies, sometimes quite outside what they'd really seek out or want, that do it for masturbation. Hell, I read an advice column question the other day about a lesbian who almost exclusively preferred porn featuring big black men fucking skinny white teenagers. Go figure. On the off chance you have a secret fetish, don't worry about "what it means" (it doesn't mean anything, except that every goddamn human being on this benighted planet is fucked in the head), work it if it works.

Also it sounds like you have just accessed literary smut. I know the ladies are supposed to be less visually centered but you might want to hit a one-stop shop like The Hun, where you can see pictures and videos of pretty much every variety of human perversion that exists every day for free. It's all garbage, come-ons for pay services, but it's a fast and free way to see if there's something out there that floats your boat.

That's easy stuff, the possibility that some combination of cognitive teasing and advanced masturbation technique might bridge the gap, so to speak. Beyond that I suppose are choppier waters.

There might be physiological/hormonal issues (aside from menopause) involved that seeking the advice of an appropriate medical professional might lead to help. There might be psychological issues, stress, dealing with your husband's illness, maybe fears about getting older, clearly you've got some body/self-image issues. And it might help to talk to somebody about that. Not knowing more about your husband's specific situation I am loathe, as so many are clearly not, to get right down to pinning it all on him. On the other hand, it would be a goddamn shame if he elected, out of shame or depression or whatever, not to investigate whether his impotence is treatable. It's obvious the burden of dragging this topic into the light of day would be your responsibility (not that it SHOULD be, just how it is). I will be so presumptuous as to remind you, as someone who has been married all of 5 1/2 years, that if someone is very uncomfortable with a particular topic in a relationship, it is usually the case that not only is this not something that needs to be avoided, it is usually something that really needs to be discussed. Please don't give up hope, and good luck.
posted by nanojath at 10:40 PM on January 14, 2007