Help me deal with a partner's past abuse.

January 10, 2007 10:53 AM

My girlfriend admitted to me recently that she'd been sexually abused as a child.

It happened repeatedly in her gradeschool years at the hand of a (female, high-school aged) caretaker. Her (Christian) parents placed intense blame on her for what happened to both her and her siblings.

She's never told anyone not involved about this before. It explains life-long negative behavior patterns that I've seen in her -- and that she's seen in herself and knows are undesirable.

She says she feels better about things than she ever has after getting this off her chest. I believe her. I, on the other hand, feel a bit shell shocked. I know there's nothing that can be done to fix this past, and I know this doesn't, and won't, change our relationship in any way -- and finding out about it seems like it's more of a blow for me than telling it was for her. (Of course, inspite of this, I am still very glad she did, and felt she could.)

And yet... I feel... sad. Angry. Hurt, for her. A bit shell shocked. A little horrified for what whappened to the woman I love, even as my understanding of her becomes a bit more complete.

If this sounds confused and muddled... it is. I don't really know what I feel, just that I don't feel *good*. Does anyone know of any reading material or support groups that might help me get my head around all this?

Thanks in advance.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (20 comments total)

I don't know of any offhand, but therapy for her (with you participating from time to time, as determined by the therapist) is really, really indicated.

Oh, wait, I do know one place you can go: RAINN, the org founded by Tori Amos. They'll definitely be able to point you in the right direction.

And, speaking from experience, something you'll want to discuss with her--when she's comfortable--is whether or not she has any triggers around sex. It's very easy to say or do something you think is totally normal, and have someone freak out because you hit that button.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:10 AM on January 10, 2007

I second dnab's 'trigger' suggestion, also speaking from experience.
posted by NationalKato at 11:17 AM on January 10, 2007

Possible reading material: Trauma and Recovery.
posted by Greg Nog at 11:20 AM on January 10, 2007

I'm going to make a stupid allusion. At the climax of the movie Dogma, the Linda Fiorentino character finds out that she's the only living descendant of Mary, and therefore has certain responsibilities in life that she didn't previously know about. She says something like, "So my whole life is a lie." Alan Rickman replies by rolling his eyes and saying, "You're Bethany Sloan, no one can take that away from you. Just be this too."

She's still your girlfriend. You still hang out together and sleep together and have breakfast together and watch movies together. You still have funny nicknames for each other and secret codes that you use around people you don't like. You still sometimes get in fights and she acts like a bitch and you act like a bitch. No one has taken that away from you.

This has undoubtedly changed your understanding of her. Good for the two of you. Deal with this with love and sensitivity. Don't feel like you need to walk on eggshells around her or be afraid to touch her; that's the opposite of what she needs.

It sounds like your girlfriend has some issues to cope with. Since she's opened up to you about this, perhaps she's ready to open up to someone else.

I know a lot of people are suspicious of therapy (I was too, for a long time), but it might be a good time for her to try it. She should ask around to find someone good. Maybe someone who would be willing to see both of you together.

Is she religious? Are you? A nice, long talk with a non-crazy member of clergy could be good for you two. That's part of their job and training. The ones who--again--aren't crazy consider that the most important part of their work.

On preview, what dnab said.
posted by roll truck roll at 11:21 AM on January 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Keep in mind that the reason you don't feel good is because you've just suffered yourself a legitimate emotional trauma; you've found out that someone you love dearly was horrifically abused. The fact that it happened in the far past, as opposed to the recent past, doesn't lessen the trauma for you.

A Google search on "spouses 'sexual abuse survivors'" yielded a PubMed article (it's more medical than useful for you, I imagine). It also yielded something called "Husbands for Healing," but their site's no longer active and the site seemed a bit rah! Christianity! woohoo! at first glance.

This site lists these books for partners of sexual abuse survivors:

• Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child. Davis, Laura. New York: Harper Perennial, 1991.
• Survivors and Partners: Helping the Relationships of Sexual Abuse Survivors. Hansen, Paul A. San Francisco: Heron Hill, 1991.
• Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for Partners of Incest Survivors. Graber, Ken. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications, 1991.
• If She Is Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers, and Male Friends. McEnvoy, Alan W.; Brookings, Jeff B. Holmes Beach, Florida: Learning Publications, 1984.
• Outgrowing the Pain Together: A Book for Spouses and Partners of Adults Abused as Children. Gil, Eliana. New York: Dell Publishing, 1992.

I'd recommend, just in terms of research strategy, that you go ahead and include words like spouse and husband in your searches. Even though you're not her husband, I think it'll turn up more information for you.)
posted by WCityMike at 11:22 AM on January 10, 2007

I know I'm breaking the first rule of AskMe, but you need professional therapists, not strangers on the Internet
posted by matteo at 11:26 AM on January 10, 2007

As far as reading material goes, I enjoyed How Can I Help? Stories & Reflections on Service, by Ram Dass and Paul Gorman. It's a "spiritual" slant, but a rather non-denominational sort of one.

It's not directly applicable--as the title suggests, it's a collection of personal anecdotes and accounts of helping, of service, across a wide range--social work, medical care, etc. I recommend it more as a forest instead of its trees, if that makes sense. The sum of the parts is warmth and compassion both to the suffering of others and that of oneself in trying to help with that of others; that it's not a contest; that it's not really your job to repair it, only to be of service in the easing of suffering's rise, and to enhance the joy in its ebb.

Therapy can certainly help, and the advice to compassionately discuss possible triggers is spot-on.

It's also something to bear in mind that you also don't want to blow this into a bigger focus than it needs to be, as well. Ugly experiences like that can take a lot of courage and trust to reveal to someone, and you can make it clear that you're honored to be given that trust, and love that courage, but still love the whole person--not any less, not in spite of, and with a view not distorted but only given the gift of that much more clarity.

Good luck to you both.
posted by Drastic at 11:30 AM on January 10, 2007

I know this doesn't, and won't, change our relationship in any way

Good luck with that. Its going to change things, the question is 'how.' Hopefully, it will change it for the better, as you learn to deal with the past for what it is, and know each other more intimately. This assumes you follow matteo's / dnab's advice and get help. This is something that is bigger than you, her, or even both of you put together.

FWIW, in dealing with a loved one in my life who revealed some childhood abuse to me recently, I was most surprised to find out that she was truly afraid that I would be disgusted with her as a person, because of it. Of course this made no sense to me - I love her for who she is and her victimization of the past only makes me want to love her more / better, but its been important for me to realize that she really fears this scenario, and work hard to help her get through that fear.
posted by allkindsoftime at 11:38 AM on January 10, 2007

It sounds to me like you might benefit from seeing a therapist yourself. You're appropriately describing your appropriate responses to being told about this, and because of the relationship involved here, it would be good to have someplace else to talk about it. A professional therapist should be able to help with a few sessions of talk therapy to help you get your head around this.

Your girlfriend is the only person who can decide about therapy for her, although if you go, she might see that as a positive indication that therapy is useful and acceptable.

Best of luck.
posted by OmieWise at 11:43 AM on January 10, 2007

This was considered recently here. I hope that in addition to the (kind, thoughtful) answers above there might be some helpful thoughts in there. Wishing you both the very best of luck for the future.
posted by dmt at 11:48 AM on January 10, 2007

In college, I found out that a friend of mine had been raped and that the guy who did it was still around. He was friends with her friends and became a member of my roommate's fraternity. I found myself being incredibly angry that this son of a bitch had gotten away with it and wanting very desperately to do something about it. I came up with a half-ass plan to exact some half-ass retribution, but even at the time I realized I couldn't and shouldn't do it. If anything was going to be done in this arena, it had to be my friend who initiated it. And, of course, there was very little she could do in terms of punitive action.

It was a very strange situation because, on the one hand, I felt like this was incredibly important while on the other, it wasn't really my place to stick my nose in. I didn't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff (I was afraid my friend would think me completely out of my mind) and felt like I was having some kind of grossly out-of-proprotion reaction. I was on various psychoactive meds at the time and was far from emotionally healthy, so it was fairly easy to see this as a symptom of my own psychological problems.

It's possible you're experiencing the same sense of frustration: something ought to be done about this, damnit, but there's nothing that can be done (about the perpetrator. The victim is a whole 'nother story) and, anyway, it's not your decision.
posted by Clay201 at 12:51 PM on January 10, 2007

If this sounds confused and muddled... it is. I don't really know what I feel, just that I don't feel *good*.

All the suggestions are good. However, every relationship will have epiphanies from time to time that are not things you necessarily want to know. The fact she revealed this to you and no one else indicates to me at least how much she really cares for you. And the fact that you are confused and muddled show deeply you care for her.

Therapy will help you sort all this out, but more importantly, just be there for each other and love each other.

I wish you the best.
posted by Doohickie at 12:52 PM on January 10, 2007

Another possible book suggestion co-written by a colleague of mine who went through what you are describing: Haunted Marriage: Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse's Childhood Abuse
posted by jeanmari at 1:00 PM on January 10, 2007

Love and support her. My wife was abused by her uncle when she was 5 or so (forced to perform oral sex, he told her that he would hurt her dog). She's told exactly two people: a therapist and me. Get some help.
posted by fixedgear at 1:03 PM on January 10, 2007

It can be very strange to feel vaguely confused, angry, sad -- none of those very clearly, and with no idea if you can do anything for her, or to address the bad feelings. That's unsettling in itself. Stay aware. Notice what thoughts and feeling drift by. Acknowledging that you can't fix anything is really useful. You might say to your girlfriend just what you said here; rereading it, I think it's perfect, mostly because you're not forcing anything -- just descibing. Ask her to let you know if she ever wants/needs anything from you emotionally.

As for understanding, helping, and giving advice, it's really important not to assume anything. And people have widely different ways and abilities to cope with childhood abuse. Some bad effects might not even emerge till she's older -- or maybe the worst is already behind her. Just be aware. Therapy is probably a good idea for anyone with life-long negative behavior patterns; if, when, and how she gets therapy is up her. If you think therapy would help you, it wouldn't be nutty for you to see a therapist by yourself.
posted by wryly at 1:04 PM on January 10, 2007

This is going to sound like a snark, but I promise it is not: as you learn to deal with this, remember that she didn't "admit" this to you, she confided in you. In a situation like this, the language you use can be surprisingly important; if this were an admission, it has a negative connotation (as if she carried responsibility for it, or was actively trying to hide it) whereas her confiding in you has a positive connotation (that she trusts you enough to tell you, and feels comfortable enough to talk about it at all.)

Again, not a snark -- just be aware that the language you use to talk about it can be a subtle trigger that colors how she feels about it, or at least how she believes you feel about her post-confiding.
posted by davejay at 1:13 PM on January 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

davejay, that is exactly what I was trying to find the words to say without hurting the OP, bravo.
posted by ceri richard at 1:51 PM on January 10, 2007

I had exactly davejay's (and ceri richard's) reaction. I'm really glad to read the way you're reacting to this and supporting her, and another small ingredient in terms of support is language. Such as "confided" rather than "admitted" (and another common example is that she is an abuse "survivor" rather than a "victim").
posted by lorimer at 4:13 PM on January 10, 2007

Yes on therapy, for both of you. Also, for both of you, Staci Haines' book Survivor's Guide to Sex.
posted by gingerbeer at 4:29 PM on January 10, 2007

I've been in your position in the past - as a friend though - for three women who have told me of past abuse. I have to say therapy was a big help for me because once someone gives you this incredibly intimate information it's so hard to know what to do after the initial "I'm sorry" and "of course it's not your fault" and comforting and listening to them. For me my difficulty was what to do next, how to help, and somehow afterwards feeling a sense of responcibility towards the person such that I wasn't sure what more was required of me. And I also felt ashamed of being so upset by the experience - after all, nothing happened to me, I was just being a good friend and listening - or so my thoughts ran at the time. In every case I remained a sympathetic friend, and for some that was all that was needed. Some of these women in fact dropped out of touch with me soon afterwards. My therapist helped me understand this as being sought out as the one person they knew as "being a safe person to tell things to." (Apparently I come off as "safe, accepting person" to many people who know me. No idea why.) In this sense you should feel (along with all the other things you are feeling) very touched that your girlfriend felt close enough to you to tell you - some people live most of their lives with this kind of thing bottled up inside after all, because they are so afraid of speaking out. She did a very brave thing by telling you - and you now have to be brave as well and live with that information, which I know is not easy. These are not nice thoughts to have in your head. (Not that it's as bad as having experienced abuse, but if you have a shred of empathy it is indeed hard to hear of people mistreating each other. I have no idea how therapists do it. The one friend that shook me up most was in high school - and that was a case of incest. I've never gotten over it, actually. I lost touch with her and hope that she's well and happy, wherever she is.)

As it's been explained to me, many abuse victims find it theraputic to tell someone, and it is a crucial first step in getting over the abuse, and especially important that that experience is positive. Once the shell shock subsides you may find things going back to normal in the relationship - and at that point I'd say only discuss this if she brings up the subject. If she does mention it, then you can encourage her to look into therapy - and offer to go with her if she needs someone there. For many people therapy can be terrifying, especially if they've been brought up to think that "only insane people go to therapists" or "the therapist will say mean things to me or make me face ugly things I don't want to think about." You can help her move into this step until she feels secure about going to a therapist by herself. Or she may already feel up to doing so right away and you may only have to give her verbal support rather than physically going with her. As for the future, just continue to be accepting and supportive, as it sounds like you have been already.

I understand why you've come to AskMe to think this through. This isn't exactly something that happens to people every day, thankfully. Only my therapist knows about my past experiences in this subject, and I haven't thought on this for years. Focus on this as a positive first step for your girlfriend. And look into therapy for yourself as well if it continues to disturb you - and I should add, don't beat yourself up for finding it all disturbing. I've been told that's a normal thing.

Best wishes to you both.
posted by batgrlHG at 1:32 AM on January 11, 2007