I would like to be closer to my dad.

January 2, 2007 10:31 AM

I would like to be closer to my dad.

I'm an early-thirties girl, my dad is late-fifties. My parents are still married.

I'm very close to my mom, and I was pretty close to my dad before a series of events during my teens. There are some issues between us we may never resolve. I'm okay with that at this point. But it makes me sad that we're not very close, and I would like to change that.

A complicating factor is that my parents and I live on different continents. I see my mom every year and my dad every other year. I talk to my mom on the phone about once a week, and the phone usually gets passed to my dad, but I kind of dread that moment. It's not that we argue. We just don't have much to say to each other. My dad usually rambles on about obscure world events while I get all twitchy and desperate for the call to end. When we're face-to-face, it's similar.

It's very uncomfortable for me. You know that feeling when you meet, say, your significant other's extended family, and it's tense and strange and boring all at the same time? I'd really prefer not to feel that way about my actual parent, if possible.

As for my dad, I'm not sure if he feels that our relationship is fine, or if his rambling is an attempt to cover his discomfort: I imagine it might be a combination of the two.

I'd like to find more things that help us relate to each other in a genuine way. For instance, one of the things we do have in common is our interest in music. We like different genres, but I made him a mix CD a while ago, and we were able to talk about that; I'd like to find more things like that.

I'm not necessarily looking for moments of great intimacy. I would just like us to sincerely enjoy each other's company more. I would like to be excited to talk to my dad in the same way I get excited to talk to my mom.

Thanks for any help! I'm happy to give any more information that might be helpful-- I just wasn't sure what might be useful.

posted by thehmsbeagle to human relations (17 comments total)

I'm in a bit of a similar situation. In my case, as my Mom puts it, ever since I was little, my Dad has never known what to do with me. He's methodical, nervous and always sure doom is around the corner. I jump right into things and have the mindset that no situation, however terrible, will be the end of things.

As a result, well. It's not that we don't get along. We just don't have too much to say to each other. And when we do, it's stilted.

So, part of getting closer to my Dad was coming to terms with that. The other part was really opening up, saying to myself "Well, this is going to be weird, but here goes!" and bringing up girls and life and whatever else. Find something he's interested in even if you're not. This was particularly hard with my Dad; he never seems interested in anything. But I knew he liked trains, so we took a little weekend trip out to PA to see some old coal trains or whatever. I was bored out of my mind, but it made him happy and he really opened up. It's been better since.

So, it's hard to know what to tell you. A lot of what happened between us was my putting away my pride and reservations and, well, jumping in. I don't know if that'll work for you, but it might help.
posted by GilloD at 10:40 AM on January 2, 2007

Consider genealogy. Start digging into your family history (father's side) to uncover who they were and, consequently, who you are, then you'll have lot's of questions and things to talk about with your father. Family history really does bring families together, even estranged family.

I suggest starting off with Ancestry.com, which is arguably the largest searchable database and the best, although it has a monthly membership fee. Alternately, here is an extensive list of free family history databases I compiled some time ago that you may find useful.
posted by dropkick at 10:47 AM on January 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Are you sure we aren't sisters? Your father sounds exactly like mine. Is he hard to chat up for everyone, or is it just you?

Can you play on the interest in music? Call him when you know a band he likes is touring somewhere close to him. Email him links to mp3s and videos on YouTube and then when you call you can talk about what he thought of the bands and the music. Start a music blog with him....stuff like that. Start small and hope for a snowball effect.
posted by iconomy at 10:47 AM on January 2, 2007

I guess it depends on a few things -- why, for example, you're estranged, I would suppose, and also what kind of person he is. My dad and I never got along very well when I was a teenager. He kept trying to protect me from myself and keep me from making mistakes, while my mom could see that I would probably screw up on the way to whatever I was doing, but that I would ask for help when I needed it. Hence, my dad pestered me and my mother left me alone, and you can guess with whom I got along better, right? Now, though, after about nine years (college and aftermath), things are better -- namely because the forced distance means that my dad CAN'T try to "help" me. I can call him when I need help, and he can actually do something to help me without driving me crazy.

I don't know, maybe your dad is a helper. Maybe it would make him feel better if you called him up and needed help fixing your own toaster. But nearly everyone has something to offer -- either something they know they can do, like my dad, who is tops at fixing things, or something that they don't realize they can do or know about. If you and your dad are both into music, maybe take that as a jumping off piont. If he's into Jazz or Blues, learn about some jazz or blues artists and engage him on that level. Ask for recordings you should listen to; did he go to clubs or concerts? Can you get bootlegs of shows he's seen or shows he wanted to see? (Wolfgang's Vault might have some stuff your dad is into -- if you look at it and decide that it does, I'd download or buy it now since it seems that the site is being sued. If not, there is almost nothing that the peeps of metafilter or metachat can't find for you.) I'm just thinking out loud at this point, but I think it comes down to developing a common vocabulary about something, and thing just making your relationship about that for a while, like me and my dad with horses and cars, and apparently Gillo's dad with trains. You can talk about emotional stuff or whatever later, if you want, when you've managed to resolve some of the tension, but for right now, it's ok to just talk about music, or canning vegetables, or various theories of cat care or whatever.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:51 AM on January 2, 2007

I agree with GilloD. My Dad and I don't really have much in common either. But before I go to see him (I live in a different country) I make a bit of an effort - simple things like reading local paper on the internet to be able to talk to him about stuff he's likely to be happy to talk about, working out where we could go for a day trip etc...boring - maybe but he is the only parent I have got left and he has always been good to me so I am happy to spend the time and the little effort it takes to find common ground...
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:53 AM on January 2, 2007

That could be me and my dad (except mine is over 70 and has some health issues, so I have the additional motivator of "not much time left"). I'll be watching this thread with interest.
posted by matildaben at 10:53 AM on January 2, 2007

I send mine links to things he might be interested in, and we talk about that when we are together or on the phone. My dad is a fixer/helper type, so I ask him stuff even if it would be faster to Google it. I'll even ask questions I've asked before, like "Tell me again where that historical site was..." because often he'll include some more detail that we can chat about for awhile.

I also try to give a lot of jumping off points in emails, things that can be used later to make connections. For example, if I go off for a weekend, I'll write an email about what I did, and link to the hotel, and include some photos. I went to the zoo last week and sent a photo of a bear. I'll tell him in detail how I used the Christmas gifts he gave me. My belief is that we will feel closer to each other because our daily lives won't be mysterious, and emotional stuff like fear and happiness will come across through these details too.
posted by xo at 11:09 AM on January 2, 2007

I am one of those much older dads. In my late 70's. 4 kids grown and each has their own home and life. I really encourage each child to do what makes them happy. See the inlaws, see us, but never give a thought to having to be in one place or the other. I do not keep score. I honestly want them to go where they feel they want to go.

I have 2 sons, 2 daughters. I admit being more comfortable and open with my sons. A guy thing, perhaps. But I truly love to be with my daughters, especailly one at a time.

They all have children and those 9 grandkids are the joy of my life. Out of the 9 there is only one granddaughter.

My daughters and sons call home often and we see them every few weeks. We are all within 75 miles of each other. I enjoy talking to all of them and they all seem to enjoy talking to me and their mother. I must admit I am not one for long conversations. I get 'antsy' after 10 minutes. But my wife can talk for a very l-o-n-g time. There were 21 at Thanksgiving dinner at our house. What a marvelous event. For Christmas we were with all our children for either Christmas eve or Christmas day. And the grandkids fill the day with lots of fun and love. I still get a hug from the grandkids even though several are teenagers.

We all have respect for each other. And we are all so very different. Differences are respected. I helped two grandsons with their Boy Scout Eagle project and it was a great time together.

In my life I find that enjoying being with someone is in "doing" not talking. I can identify with the one that wrote she took her father to see the trains. That is what works for me, as well. Just to be near is great.

We are all different for sure. But just to be with any of the children for a short or long period is really the best thing in life. They all keep up with how we are doing and are always there when we have a need for something.

I feel I went way beyond the question but that is the way some of us old people are. heheh
posted by JayRwv at 11:17 AM on January 2, 2007 [6 favorites]

I think this happens a lot in father/daughter relationships. Mine is more naggy than anything else (lose some weight, get married), but I find that talking to him about his job, or asking his opinion on current events, or past events for that matter gets him off of the topic of ME.
posted by echo0720 at 11:22 AM on January 2, 2007

Jay- I think you made a great point. "Doing" is the real key here. I sometimes try to strike the same profound chord in my relations with my Dad that I do with my Mom or my friends or my lovers. That sense of really deep, human connection. Coming to terms with the fact that that wasn't going to happen, BUT that we could enjoy each other's company is what I was really getting at.
posted by GilloD at 12:03 PM on January 2, 2007

I'd start by asking him about his life...now and in the past; questions like, what were holidays like at your house when you were a child? What was your favorite kind of a day as a kid? What was your favorite TV show or movie as a kid...you may find some common ground, or at least reasons for some of your interests.

It is great that you are making this effort. Too often entire lifetimes go by without anyone ever trying to make it better. That says a lot about you.
posted by Jandasmo at 12:34 PM on January 2, 2007

I also agree with those who suggested ancestry or personal history. There is a great book out called The Story of a Lifetime which is full of personal history questions, like "What was the most foolish thing you did in highschool/college/young 20's?" and tell about "The happiest memory you have of your father."

You can also find question lists on the internet. Not only will these questions/discussions give you something to talk about (and maybe bring you closer), they'll give you the opportunity to do something - such as visit his old college or childhood neighborhood, or send him a picture of his highschool, or refurbish and frame a photo of his parents.... many, many ideas.

Since he likes music you could start your questioning with that - when did he buy his 1st album, how did he pay for it, did his parents/siblings like music, did he go to concerts, did he ever meet a musical artist, etc. It'd be great if you could find him a rare copy of some recording he'd love to own, or visit a music museum, or send him books/articles about the genre he loves.

Like GilloD said, jump right in without the reservations and pride and I think you'll soon be excited to talk with your father.
posted by LadyBonita at 12:55 PM on January 2, 2007

I like the ideas about sending him mp3s, or making him another mix CD, or asking him if he has any recommendations about music you might like.

By all means, if he's a fixer/helper, get his advice on things.

You can try mentioning other things that you enjoy and see if anything sparks some interest with him.

Obscure world events might not be your thing, but try glancing at the paper (or internet) and see if you find a story that grabs you - then mention it to your dad and ask what he knows about it, or ask for background, or something like that. When he starts rambling, listen for something that you find at least a little bit interesting, and ask questions about that part.

May I ask why you see your mom once a year but your dad only every other year? Not that I guess the answer even matters, it just sounded like if the phone gets passed from mom to dad then it would seem like you would visit them at the same time. If you can, maybe try seeing him once a year also -- maybe the two of you could go on a little outing, develop some recent experiences together, and that might provide a jumping off point later.

Can you ask your mom if she has any suggestions?
posted by KAS at 1:26 PM on January 2, 2007

There may be all sorts of impasses here, many of which are manageable and since you guys don't live too close, you can probably try a few of them. I am a late thirties woman with a dad that I have a borderline-decent (formerly horrible) relationship with, but it's been a slog to get there. Here are some suggestions

Your dad thinks that your mom handes the conversation and your mom thinks it's her job to get the two of you to talk. My Mom used to pull that a lot and as a result I didn't wind up getting to know my dad hardly at all until my parents split out and then his girlfriend took over for a while and now I work through his wife. This is a challenge and probably involves talking to your Mom [what's her take on all of this, actually?] either to get her to moderate less, or to give you advice, I assume she talks to him, right? Maybe she can give you some topic ideas, or hand you over to him with some "oh ask your dad about the toothpick windmill he's making...."

Your dad may be a lousy conversationalist. Maybe he doesn't know how to talk, wants to know what you're up to but doesn't know how. In this case more broadcast-type communication can work great. Email, postcards, or letters TO HIM (not your Mom) and then when you talk on the phone you can allude to the things you said as a way of feeling more connected.

Your dad may not think he's that interested in you. I don't mean this in a bad way, but there is a sense in which the two age groups aren't always the best at finding common ground and your life/work/family may not be the things your dad finds interesting, or he's really in his own head. This may not be cool, but it's still manageable. You can find ways to relate what yo're doing now to what he's doing, or what he did professionally, or other things he's done. I find ways to draw paralells betwen some of the work I do now and what my Dad used to do and ask him about it, what he learned, what he could tell me. I think older people can think that younger people are knowitalls sometimes, and this could be an approach.

Your dad thinks you are not interested in him. If he likes world events and you don't, make an effort. You don't have to be in to his particular topics, but having a conversation is all about getting to know why other people are inteersted and interesting. Feeling tiwtchy and striken when someone is talking to you says as much about your own conversational abilities as it does about theirs. Granted, it's a drag when you find your dad boring or distant, but rattling on about world events is sort of normal for dads, at least a lot of the ones that I know.

Your Dad doesn't talk to anyone. This is harder since why should you be any different, and it's hardest to deal with over distance otherwise I'd suggest playing games, going to events, etc. You can stil do a little bit of broadcast talking and maybe find a way to share information other ways, sending things through the mail, brief video chats, something.

Your Dad is afraid that you will bring up something awful. This may just be my Dad but I think that since my parents split and we had sort of a crappy home life, he is worried we will somehow either 1) dredge all that up and blame him for it 2) see him as a sort of dumping ground for whatever is wrong with our lives now, and blame him for it. I think it's taken my dad a long time to get used to the fact that I'm not mad at him (like I was when I was a teenager) and he'll act defensive when we talk about tricky subjects sometimes. This may be something your Dad thinks about (whatever your teenage indiscretions were) For my part, I had to get a grip that my dad is really never going to be good emotional support for me for anything, and I need to find that elsewhere and not expect him to be something he isn't. You might also want to write a letter, if you think that really is a skeleton in the closet, and spell it out, assure him it's not a big deal and move on and not think about it again when you talk to him.

In summary, look to your Mom for clues, try to figure out what you are looking for out of this relationship and try to make reasonable goals within what is actually likely to happen. With me in super-dysfunctional dadland, I found that adjusting my expectations has actually allowed me to enjoy my weird Dad and a lot of his weird habits more than I did when I was expecting him to be someone else. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 5:52 PM on January 2, 2007

Lots of good advice here, and I'd like to add another technique:

Imagine him dead. Do a good job of it.

Now imagine what you would have asked him before he died.

Now here's the good part. Pretty soon, relative to you, he'll actually BE dead. Then you won't be able to ask him anything.

You won't know what it felt like to fall in love with your mom, when he lost his virginity, why he smokes, what his father was like, how it felt to be beat up in kindergarten, why he hates cauliflower, what it's like to leave his native land, how it felt to have a daughter, what he cries over, what he regrets, what he delights in, what his favorite smell is, what his first date in high school was like, how it felt to see color TV for the first time, where he hid his secret journal when he was a kid, what games he played with the neighbor boys, why he chose his career.

Sorry for the run on, but if I were with your dad, in 10 minutes I'd know him better than you. I won't miss him at all when he dies, either.

Best to question, question, question, question, and question. Ask much, listen, say less. Don't worry. Before long your knowledge of this intimate landscape will make you closer to your dad.

Dear thehmsbeagle, good, good luck to you. 1000 hugs.
posted by FauxScot at 6:19 PM on January 2, 2007

Thanks so much, everyone. This thread totally made me tear up. BECAUSE I'M LAME.

There's lots of wonderful advice here, and I would feel wrong selecting anything as "best" answer, since I'm sure that every bit of it will be applicable to some father/daughter relationship somewhere, even if not all of it relates directly to my own.

I particularly appreciate the reminders that lots of dads are more easily related to when you're "doing", and the suggestions to ask lots of questions.

Jayrwv in particular, thank you for your answer. It's really nice to hear an older dad's perspective on this.

Jessamyn, thank you for yours, as well. It's so heartening to see people emerge from the wasteland of "awful" and make it to "strange, but mostly okay".

I could go on and on: I really appreciate every answer. It's really wonderful to see so many perspectives. Thanks, guys.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 8:51 PM on January 2, 2007

I recommend reading I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real. It offers some insight to why some men, um, don't want to talk about it. (It's no how-to guide on making them open up, but insight can't hurt.)
posted by Zed_Lopez at 2:06 PM on January 4, 2007