Doesn't a maybe really mean no?

December 31, 2006 10:57 AM

Why does someone still insist on saying maybe I'm in love w/you?

To be fair the actual response was -- I don't love you enough. Is it just me or is that a vague/I'm trying to be nice response? The breakup began b/c of his inability to say for sure whether or not he loved me. He said he loved me once, early on in the relationship, which i deeply discount for various obvious reasons. Said ex has never been in love before. I also never said i love you beyond that initial moment although definitely still felt/feel that i do. This is clearly problematic also. Anyway everything came to a head and I said we should end it. We did and i've spent a lot of time wondering if I should've waited and given him more time. So to appease this question I asked him via email, 4 months post-breakup - Instead of saying i'm not sure i love you isn't it more approriate to for you to say I just care about you but don't love you? His response was I don't love you enough and thats why we aren't together. Ok. . .but did that really answer my question? Doesn't that response suggest some love? Am I too limited to assume someone should just be able to say they don't love you if they don't? Clearly he could be trying to be nice and cushion this all for me. Previous love vs. infatuation posts suggest a maybe is really a no. So clearly his response was a no, right?

So my long-winded background info poses the question - shouldn't you be able to say after a period of time finally whether or not you do love a person? I'm a fairly level-headed/emotionally stable individual but I still find myself obsessing about this question and his response/the reasons for our breakup. Help remind me that my overanaylsis is me still working through our breakup.

posted by purplestarz to human relations (12 comments total)

Love is a more-or-less undefined value. What it means to one person is not necessarily what it means to another. Someone may not even know, in a sense that they would find objectively satisfying, whether or not they're in love.

So, no: you shouldn't necessarily "be able to say after a period of time finally whether or not you do love a person"; but it does sound like he doesn't, whatever else can be said, love you as much as you wanted him to. Take that and leave it there. You're obessessing.
posted by cortex at 11:02 AM on December 31, 2006

4 months after your breakup you're emailing him about him loving you? Love isn't black and white. People are confused about their feelings all the time.

Maybe it is time to get over it... check out breakupgirl.net
posted by k8t at 11:03 AM on December 31, 2006

Love is not binary. You can "love" a hot girl after a one night stand; the emotional connection may be fleeting and immature but it is certainly real. As you adapt from a transitory to a permanent relationship, love shifts accordingly. He meant it when he said he loved you the first time. He meant it when he says he doesn't now. As Vonnegut says, so it goes.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 11:09 AM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

You asked him if you should have given the relationship more time or if he loved/loves you? The first question is more answer-able than the second. "Love" means a lot of different things -- you're mistaken that the "love" question is always an obvious yes or no. The passage of a period of time often makes things even more hard to say, not less.

As to the first, his response indicates that more time would not have changed the outcome. As to the second question, his response means that he had some love of some kind, but not enough to continue the relationship.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 11:10 AM on December 31, 2006

People often have difficulty talking about gradients of emotion in ways that communicate their feelings effectively to others. You were clearly fishing for a specific type of response because in your universe, loving someone means you want to be with them (perhaps?). In his universe it may be possible to love someone, but not enough to want to be their partner.

Put another way, there are many sorts of love and many ways to love people and things. I love my friends' dog but I don't want to marry it. I love my parents, though I could never live with them again. I love my ex in a way, but not a way that makes me want to be back together with him. I love my past exes, many of them, in a way where I want them to be happy but not where I want them to be part of my life again.

He says he loves you, or may be implying he loves you, but not enough. You say that's not acceptable because that definition doesn't exist in your world. He's given you an answer, you just don't like it. Because you are not in a relationship with him anymore, he has no obligation to work this out with you any more than he already has.

He didn't say maybe, he said no. He said he loves you, he also said no to you as a partner. While I know your heart is breaking, I don't think wordsmithing the things he says is going to get you any more peace.
posted by jessamyn at 11:11 AM on December 31, 2006 [6 favorites]

Love changes, like everything else. But real love, in some manifestation or another, is always there. If you really love someone, you can be away from them for years, and then feel the same tingles of joy you felt when you first met them. But then again, they can drive you crazy in the same way mighty quick.

He doesn't love you the way you need to be loved in a relationship, so let him go from your heart.

The sooner you do, the sooner you'll find the next one, and maybe - just maybe - the right one.
posted by rougy at 11:46 AM on December 31, 2006

Personally, I feel that if I feel any doubt as to whether or not I love someone, then I don't yet. When I do, I really know I do. Now I've ever really truly been in love once, although I felt it growing in a couple of other relationships that ended before I really truly loved. It took me probably 12 to 18 months of a nearly 4 year relationship to feel what I thought was true love - and it was one of the most, if not the most powerful emotion I've ever felt. Just thinking back on it fills me with deep emotion.

So many people (a lot of girls i find - tho being a straight guy I would obviously only have experience with women in this department) seem to say I love you a few weeks or months into a relationship - and to me it doesn't seem to mean to me what I think of as true love.

True love is so deep and wonderful, and i really believe takes some real time to develop. And for god's sake the one thing that stifles my growing feelings for a girl is her saying she loves me then putting pressure on me to say the same. That about kills it.

My love grows slowly and when I'm ready it's a big deal to me, before i say it i make sure i really mean it.

It's selfish to pressure someone to love you.
posted by Salvatorparadise at 12:29 PM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

The thing is, he may not really know the answer to your questions. Emotions are tricky things and it's not always possible to know why you feel certain ways.

In other words, emotions are not always "connected" to how we talk. Freudians might call this the "unconscious".

The point is, it may be that no one really knows.
posted by delmoi at 1:07 PM on December 31, 2006

words mean little to nothing. Actions mean everything.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but people will say just about anything because it's what they think the other person wants to hear, beacuse they're confused. or for no good reason at all.

Some things are cliches because they're true. Judge him by his actions.

If he "loved" you he would be doing everything in his power to get back with you right now.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:26 PM on December 31, 2006

It sounds like you broke up with him. You might want to consider whether this issue should have been a dealbreaker. A person who doesn't say "I love you" could be more loving to you than a person who does. Since you are agonizing over it, perhaps you've imposed a requirement which was more artificial than necessary.

Or, perhaps you've mixed up the saying of the words with many other things that were wrong to you in the relationship. If so, you will probably feel better if you think about them directly, instead of lumping them under the other issue.
posted by halonine at 12:52 AM on January 1, 2007

You're looking for concrete answers where none exist. As others have said, there's no precise meaning for LOVE that every person - perhaps even two persons - would agree on. Inevitably you get into the hoary world of "how do I know what green looks like to ME is what it looks like to YOU?"

You should instead think about the things that were really important - every other aspect of the relationship and how you were there for each other. If you're supportive in word and deed and enjoy your time together does it matter if you say "I keplortz you" rather than "I love you?" I presume that's the kind of thing you're talking about when you say the breakup started because of and that's what you should concentrate on.

Realistically, if you felt like the relationship should be over while you were right in the middle of it, why would you second-guess that judgment all these months later? Remind yourself that while you were together you decided you shouldn't be and trust your decision. If it's taken you four month to come up with such a wishy-washy question about how MAYBE you should still be together then probably you shouldn't.
posted by phearlez at 8:32 AM on January 2, 2007

Shortly after my breakup I had a conversation with a dear friend who suggested paraphrasing - "Why set a time limit on when someone should love you by?" I'd felt in someway if my ex didin't know by 7 months he was never going to love me. I spent 99% of the relationship not saying I love you, or even talking about my love with him and suddenly it occurred to me I'd been in denial in some way by not sharing this with ex. This is only the 2nd person i've ever been in love with. I'd never thought of love as something that might take longer as something that might not happen instantly for some. So phearlez this isn't something I've just now been thinking about. Its been a thought for a long time that I really haven't answered sufficiently to myself. How long do you give love time to grow? An older post touches on this issue - Will our vegetable love grow?

Thanks folks for all of your responses and providing more food for thought.
posted by purplestarz at 6:06 PM on January 2, 2007