passing of a dog...

December 31, 2006 7:43 AM

My mother's dog (part of our family for 10 years) passed away last night of major sudden medical problems. My mother is in her late 50s, divorced, and lives alone - and considered the dog practically one of her children. How can I help her through this better?

I live 30 miles from her, by the way. She's terribly upset right now and doesn't know lots of people in the area (the dog has been central to her life in many ways)

posted by jare2003 to human relations (21 comments total)

Ouch, been there. My sympathy.

Be kind to her, spend time with your mom, give her lots of hugs. If she's up for you renting a movie to watch with her, go for it. 30 miles isn't a big deal in a case like this. Make her dinner, maybe, or pick up takeout. Just be supportive.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:42 AM on December 31, 2006

After a decent interval, nothing helps this sort of thing more than a new puppy. They are a ton of work for the first 3-6 months, leaving you little time to dwell on the last dog. Just be sure to get a different breed or else the new dog will just seem like an inferior version of the old one.
posted by Mid at 9:13 AM on December 31, 2006

I sort of like Mid's suggestion in theory, but YMMV -- your mom may react negatively to the new dog. My mom had a dog who was nearing the end of his life, and as he got older she got a second dog, thinking that it would ease the eventual passing of dog #1.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way -- she sort of wound up resenting the new dog and eventually my uncle took him off her hands. HOWEVER, now she spoils him like crazy (the dog, not my uncle) every time she sees him. She loves him, but just can't really live with him, I guess.

Your answer may be to find ways to expose your mom to other nice dogs -- it'll be a gentle reminder of the one who passed, but she's unlikely to feel like she's betraying his memory. Introduce her to friends of yours with dogs, or try to get her to volunteer at the local humane society shelter. Even stopping by the mall pet store to look at the puppies might help.

IndigoRain's suggestion is also a good one -- do the same sorts of things you would do for her if her dearest (human) friend died. But remember that she may need some time alone to reflect and mourn in her own ways.

In time, she may be ready for another dog, but don't rush her. And don't listen to ANYONE who says "it's just a dog." I had a dog once who is, in my mind, absolutley irreplaceable in every way, so I know what it's like to be attached to a pet.

Good luck with this, and good luck to your mother.
posted by hifiparasol at 9:54 AM on December 31, 2006

When my mother-in-law's dog died, we sent her a bouquet of white roses, which are traditional for mourning. She was touched by the gesture--particularly that we thought her dog warranted a formal gesture of mourning.
posted by gokart4xmas at 10:07 AM on December 31, 2006

Our two cats died suddenly over the holidays. The day our second cat died, I went out to look at a cat recommended to me by a friend who volunteers for the shelter. I fell in love with two other cats instead. I can't express how much they've helped ease the pain of losing two long-time companions. What also helped was others' understanding that this truly was a profound loss, and very painful. A lot of people brushed it off as, "well, it happens, they're just animals," but the friends who sympathized really did make a difference.

Finding another animal companion is a very serious and personal decision. If and when she is ready, it would probably be best to accompany her while she looks at dogs, instead of choosing one for her.
posted by moira at 10:41 AM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

Right now, I've got a three-year-old cat named Charlie. He is one of the primary sources for unadulterated "squeee, I love you!" affection in my life, and were he to pass, I think that I'd be devastated. I can't even think of how deep the connection between your mom and her dog must've been like after ten years' worth of friendship. Kudos to you for having the sensitivity to realize how much this hits her.

I'd not push a replacement pet too quickly; when my family lost a cat of many years, my father wasn't ready for a replacement cat right away, but after a few months, a new one was welcomed into the family. In the meantime, giving her your companionship as suggested above (movie, etc.) can help, and letting her talk, and making sure she knows you're there for her.
posted by WCityMike at 11:03 AM on December 31, 2006

gokart4xmas is really on the right track. One of the things that hurts most for people in your mom's shoes is that a lot of people send "sorry your dog died" kinds of messages but then they somehow forget that you really are hurting inside and they want to play matchmaker and set you up in a new relationship with some strange dog while you're still weeping over the one you lost. Before you suggest a new dog, honor the old one. Make a contribution in his name to some animal benevolent society, plant a tree, place a stone in a rock garden. If you do this with your mom she will know that you respect the bond she had with this dog, and that can mean everything to someone like me. Er, your mom.
posted by acorncup at 11:09 AM on December 31, 2006

Thanks you, everyone for all the warm thoughts and suggestions. The passing of the dog is hard for my sister and I as well...

Both my sister and I think that eventually a new dog would be good for her, but we don't want to bring that up for a couple months at least - but we think that the companionship is something that she needs. (and that another dog, eventually would be the best way to do that)

The other thing is that we're not sure if we should let her decide, or bring it up. She's convinced that she never wants to replace the dog, but my sister and I think that that feeling will pass - and that is possible to respect the memory of the old dog while loving the new one as well.

Any other suggestions on the process of getting a new dog? (How to find one similar enough...but as an above poster said, not a similar breed)
posted by jare2003 at 11:24 AM on December 31, 2006

My much beloved dog died last January. He was 14. I took his death very hard: I knew it was coming (the cancer treatments weren't working) so one would think I had time to prepare, but it was not so.

Things I found comforting: a surprising number of friends who treated his death with the same level of respect and commiseration as they would toward any family member. I did not seek out their sympathy as I was embarrassed over having so much grief for a pet, but several friends spontaneously sent cards and flowers and called and let me know they were there. One of my friends gave me "Marley & Me"...at the time, I sort of hated her for it but in retrospect having that big grief blowout while reading the last chapter was good--something about the reminder of the universality of people outliving their pets and being grateful for the time spent together.

I found it very comforting to have his ashes returned. If he was smaller, I would have buried him in my backyard, but having the ashes turned out to be good. The urn stayed on my desk for several weeks, much as my dog had spent 14 years hanging out under my desk while I worked. I felt I was healing when I was able to relocate the urn to a shelf in my bedroom.

I did get another dog, in March. Much too soon (the new pup was something my SO wanted right away). For next few months, I found myself constantly comparing the new pup to my dog, being frustrated with all the things the new puppy didn't know/couldn't do yet. Having his bumbling presence around was a sharp and painful reminder of how great my dog was. I kept slogging away at it and now, a year later, I'm finally beginning to appreciate the new pup but it would have been better for both of us if there had been more time before he arrived.

Of the above, the single most useful thing were the friends who called to say "How are you doing?" and then just listened.
posted by jamaro at 11:25 AM on December 31, 2006

She's convinced that she never wants to replace the dog,

This is exactly what I was worried about. Every person is different, and you'll have to figure out when the time is right, put I would push for a new dog after a little while (maybe about six months, maybe a little less). The hump that your mom may have to get over is a feeling that it would "dishonor" the old dog to get a new dog. She should get past this -- she has a long time to live and shouldn't live alone all her days soley to honor the old dog. You can help her get past this by pushing the new dog, or even just going and getting the new dog for her. It might seem to her less of a dishonor to the old dog if it is you and not her that actually goes out and gets the new dog. Again, everyone's different and I trust that you will know better than I when the time is right (if ever) to do this, but you should at least consider being pretty agressive about pushing the new dog in a few months.

The major question I would have about the new dog would be whether to get a puppy or adopt an older dog. Pros and cons on both sides. A new puppy needs a giant amount of time and attention, which might be exactly what your mom would need to get over her loss and to give her a new purpose. (A friend of mine raised a puppy during a real depression and says that the puppy saved her life because she always had to get up and take care of it, even when she was feeling very down.) An older dog will be much less work, but your mom and the dog might not bond as well as would a new pup. Also, an older dog might remind her too much of her last dog, whereas a puppy would really be a fresh start.
posted by Mid at 11:56 AM on December 31, 2006

If it's not too late, you might consider the funeral arrangements. (In our family, we bury the dog in the yard and plant a tree over it, so no one will disturb the grave.) You know your mother best, so you'd know if it would matter to her. If she does whatever seems right to her, she will feel as though she has honored it, and perhaps have fewer problems accepting another pup later. If it wouldn't help her, never mind.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 12:06 PM on December 31, 2006

I agree that you should help her have some sort of formal funeral/memorial-type event (doesn't have to be a big deal, doesn't even have to involve the dog's remains, just a way to "officially" mark this - maybe suggest she sit down an put together a scrapbook or photo album, write a journal about it, whatever suits her, but it's important for many people to have some way to actually mark the death). Perhaps make a donation in the dog's name to an animal charity, something like that.

Losing a beloved pet can be made even more difficult by people who don't understand the level of attachment which some people form with their pets, so be understanding, as you are doing, and don't be afraid to actually say that you understand how important the dog was to her and that it's okay for her to grieve for it (people can feel silly about the depths of their feelings for pets sometimes, and it can be a big help to let them know that it's okay for them to feel the way they do).

I wouldn't push another dog on her at all, ever, frankly, not everone benefits from replacing a lost pet, but I would suggest in a while that she consider volunteering at an animal shelter and perhaps eventually fostering rescue dogs or something - this can be a way to keep animals in her life without the lifetime commitment aspect, AND she'll be doing a very good thing for needy animals as well. This may also in turn help her decide for herself if and when she's ready to get another dog of her own.

Thank you for being so caring and understanding about this, too many people aren't.
posted by biscotti at 12:44 PM on December 31, 2006

I also lost my dog, Jack, a few years back and it was heart-breaking. I sent out an email to family and friends who knew him and it was very touching to get notes back, especially the ones that shared memories of him. It made me feel so much better. Perhaps you and your sister can put together a memory book of your mom's dog. It's somewhat comforting to be able to look at pictures of him later and know that he was loved by others.

I did get a new puppy, Caye, within a month, and like others have said, it was hard to not compare him to my other dog. But I've accepted that they are two different dogs, and I feel good knowing that I saved a puppy that would have otherwise might be euthanized. Caye is now a part of my life, but Jack still holds a very special part of my heart.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:52 PM on December 31, 2006

HeyAllie's post reminds me: just yesterday I received a gift in the mail. They were two pictures, framed, of our cats as part of our family. It was both a sad and happy thing, and I am grateful to my friend for it.
posted by moira at 12:57 PM on December 31, 2006

When our cat died, I bought myself a pretty journal and wrote as much as I could about him in that journal. I look at it from time to time now and like to reminisce. Writing is therapeutic and helped quite a bit at the time. I also kept little mementos in the journal.
posted by Sassyfras at 3:46 PM on December 31, 2006

She's convinced that she never wants to replace the dog

This may sound silly, but when the time comes, don't refer to it as "replacing" the dog. The dog can't be replaced, and thinking of it that way would be setting a new dog or puppy up to be viewed as inferior. Call a new dog a successor, or something. For some reason, it matters a great deal in my mind (and I have ferrets, and have had to get my mind and heart around it all too often). Finding a replacement feels disloyal; finding a successor - somehow more natural.

and I usually hate careful little psycho language games like this
posted by dilettante at 4:07 PM on December 31, 2006

My mother and I both read The Loss of a Pet after our beloved dog died a few years back and it was immensely helpful.

That dog was one of my mother's best friends and there's nothing much to do but grieve. And get another dog after a few months.

(Unfortunately for us, we ended up getting three ill-behaved pekingese who are so far inferior to our old dog in every aspect that it didn't really HELP the grieving so much as just annoy my mother in new and different ways.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:41 PM on December 31, 2006

Thank you so much to everyone. I really, really appreciate the warm feelings and encouragement and support everyone has offered, as well as advice. It is deeply appreciated.

biscotti: We don't plan to "replace" the dog of course (I would never say it in those words) - but another dog eventually might be able to take the place of this one in m mother's heart. I know it won't be a replacement, but a new experience and family member. And when the time is right (IF there is a time for it), then that is a decision i think we will consider.

We decided to have the dog cremated. My mother lives in Northern Virginia where real estate is at a premium (our fenced in backyard at a townhouse is literally about 15x15 feet, so we didnt feel that was a good option, or even possible. We plan to scatter some of the ashes at her favorite pak and keep some as well.
posted by jare2003 at 7:54 AM on January 1, 2007

I lost the dog who raised my kids when the ground was frozen, and by spring I moved, so I took the ashes with me. That was 30 years ago, and the ashes are still around, waiting for me to go, so the kids can plant them or scatter them with me.
My daughter lost a cat recently, and we just added the ashes to the same shelf. (Just a thought.) This does not strike us as morbid, but your family may vary.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 11:11 AM on January 1, 2007

RE your question further up in the thread about how to go about getting a new dog...

If the primary reason for having a dog is companionship (and not, say, the desire to show a purebred), please PLEASE look into a rescue.

Petfinder.com is a good place to start. You can search for a shelter in your area, and go look at the dogs in person. You can search for a particular type of dog (age, size, breed/mix, personality, etc.). You can search for the animals that have been fostered in a private home, so you can get a better idea of their suitability for your particular situation.

In general, my experience is that a small dog is a good choice for an older woman who lives alone. They make relaxing companions since they are happy to just sit next to you, they don't have a huge need for exercise, and they are very loud ("yappy") when the doorbell rings or they sense something (or someone) unusual. Although annoying to friendly visitors, this yappiness and overall suspicion of strangers makes them good watchdogs.

Unasked-for advice: If your mom just can't bear to get another dog, might I suggest a cat or kitten? The companionship factor is still there, without a lot of the work a dog requires.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 12:07 PM on January 1, 2007

My recommendation would be to not push the "replacing the dog" issue. If she wants a new dog down the road then I'm sure she'll get one. Right now what she needs is entirely different.
posted by dgeiser13 at 9:22 PM on January 3, 2007