Why do parents have to turn into people?

December 31, 2006 7:56 AM

I think my parents are on the road to divorce. I'm away at college in another state- my younger siblings are not. Warning, much, much-

My parent's marriage has been shaky for some time. There have been little hints for years, like how Dad sleeps in the recliner downstairs 7 nights out of 10. Or how Mom rolls her eyes every time Dad starts in about house work. But lately its gotten much much worse.

Several months ago they started classes which I remember them enjoying back when I was a kid. But this time Dad has gotten much more into the activity than Mom. To the point where he has taken to practing with a (female) partner 3-4 hours a week or more. This hasn't sat well with Mom- as Dad's time has always been at a premium because he works long hours in a small practice. She feels like his free time should be with her or with the family.

I dont know what Dad thinks. One part of me hopes that this is just another one of the many many hobbies he has taken a consuming interest in over the years and that he'll eventually move on from it like he has many times before. But the more rational part of me believes that there is something else going on.

Im not trying to blame Dad exclusively- there are many underlying issues. Mom is overweight and has never made a serious sustained effort to address the problem. She also was always content to be a stay at home mom, which worked well as far as i can tell when all four kids were still at home. Now that I've been away at college for several years and my next oldest brother has moved out on his own, there's less housework, less kidwork in general, and yet the house is always a disaster. Even more than that, she's worked a low paying part-time job in fast food for the past 3 or 4 years and shows no real interest in seeking something or satisfying and/or lucrative. Some of these issues have been indirectly mentioned to me by Dad as reasons he may be unhappy. (he didnt say 'unhappy', his goto word is 'problems with me and your mother')

If you think that sounds like shallow reasons for a split, yea me too. Im just relating what Ive pieced together.

Im home for Christmas break and the tension is unbelievable. I can feel it if no one else can. I know they can, but no one would ever admit it.

I can see the signs, I think theyre headed towards an eventual split. I know from little hints Dad has dropped that they've rehashed the same arguments about many of these issues many times. At least 3 major fights in the past year.

I dont know how much my other siblings know or suspect. They do most of their fighting where we cant see, while my younger brother and sister (14 and 17) are out with their friends or at practice or work.

I don't know how much longer they will hold it together. You can probably tell our family kind of um, sucks, with communication and problem solving. We're one of those, "dont talk about it itll go away" kind of families.

Im not as worried about me and my 20yr old brother if a divorce came along. My brother has been through some other personal stuff in his life and is pretty strong emotionally anyway. Im kind of the rock of the family if there is one and Im confident I can personally handle whatever may happen. Im very concerned about the youngest brother and my younger sister who still live at home. And about Mom.

My 17yr old brother is, for lack of a better term, a screw-up. He's struggling to pass highschool as it is and has little to no direction in life, despite many, many, many attempts to set him straight from myself, Dad, other family members, family friends, etc. He's also very insecure emotionally and prone to lashing out over fairly minor incidents. There's little reasoning with him and him and Dad already have a VERY rocky history. I fear a divorce would send him even more out of control.

My youngest sister is the one of us who still has the best chance to go on to do something with her life. She's as smart or smarter than I was at 14 and dead set on going to med school. She's had straight A's since birth until this year when she finalyl got a B. She's also ditzy and niave. If she misses out on a chance to go to a good college and go where she wants to in life because of a split, I don't think I could stand it.

And there's Mom. She has no marketable skills and self esteem issues. We (Dad, and through him the rest of the family) encouraged her to apply herself to a couple of different pursuits over the past 2 years in part to boost her self confidence when she saw that she actually could do smoethign more rewarding than run a cash register. But none of that worked out. Im worried how she would make it if she was suddenly out on her own. Apart from monetary support from any settlement, I dont know how she would integrate herself into the world in 3 more years when my sister leaves home.

Keep in mind this is what I come home to in between extremely demanding semesters in a fairly prestigious professional program. I really can't be here except by phone, and I don't know what I could do if I was.

Is there any way to make this normal? If not normal, Id settle for better. Im not looking for some miracle (but if you have one Id take it). Anything you've got may help. Stories, experiences, anything really. The atmosphere here is unbearable and I just can't wait to leave again, but I hate knowing that this mess is still here when I'm not.

It seems like some families would call a family meeting or something, but there's so much crap built up here I can't imagine ours ever doing that. In fact we've never done it. Maybe that's how we got to this point to begin with.

(sorry for the vagueness, but posting this to the internet kinda gives me the willies that someone may read it)

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

You can be a source of friendship and support and unconditional love for these people, but other than that, it's really not yours to manage, much less micro-manage (you seem to have an agenda or concern for every last family member....and as far as I can tell only one, possibly two, of them are children and not adults).


Let them know you're available for support or advice, and that you're concerned about them/the situation....and then back off and live your own life and let them live theirs, unless they specifically take you up on your offer to intervene.

You absolutely CANNOT be your parents' marriage counselor. Even if you were a professional marriage counselor, you still couldn't run an "intervention" for mom and dad.
posted by availablelight at 8:29 AM on December 31, 2006

"Is there any way to make this normal?"

I'm sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like things are pretty normal in your household.

I'd suggest talking to your parents, either together or individually. Tell them what you're worried about. Remind them that they made a choice to have children, and it's their responsibility to raise them as best they can. If that means getting a divorce to get your mother out of the depression she seems to be in, and getting your father more engaged in parenting, so be it. Divorce can be a force for a lot of positive change. The process can be horrible and painful, and the rest of their life will be a royal pain in the ass for you and your siblings (are they going to sit together at my graduation? didn't we have thanksgiving with dad LAST year? do i really have to pretend to like all my step-siblings?), but it will almost certainly result in your parents being happier (or at least telling themselves they're happier for fear of admitting they made the biggest mistake of their life...), and a lot of that poisonous tension you're anxious about will disappear.

On the other hand, everybody in the U.S. (can't speak to other countries) seems obsessed with the idea that it's NOT THE KIDS' FAULT. So, if parents getting divorced isn't your fault, then by extension, there's nothing you can do about it. The fact that you think they're going to split up because dad's paying attention to another woman and mom's let herself go shows that you're in no position to play marriage counselor. Those are symptoms of a larger problem that probably goes back to well before you were born, and it's a problem that you will never fully comprehend because neither will your parents.

It sounds to me, then, like your responsibility is to your siblings. Check in with them individually. Ask how they're doing. Make a habit of calling them when you're back at school. Talk to them about what's going on. Even if your parents end up getting divorced, the four of you kids will still be together. You're going to end up being the only continuity in the family, the ones who are still willing to talk happily about good memories involving both your parents. You are the only ones who will be at every family gathering. The four of you, essentially, become the family. Your parents, who are (let's face it) giving up on their family, will become more incidental to the core. So start strengthening those relationships now.
posted by one_bean at 8:39 AM on December 31, 2006

As jesus-loving 'merkins we are brainwashed to believe that divorce is a selfish thing we do in spite of our kids.

But staying in a shitty marriage is far more vindictive to your offspring when it is done in defiance of reality.

It sounds like the formalities of divorce would heal your family better than the status quo. I'm honestly not sure why you are pushing for "normal" when that's just impossible.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 8:41 AM on December 31, 2006 [1 favorite]

If your mom and dad are having problems, they're between your mom and dad. As much as you want to help, they're going to get divorced if they're going to get divorced... and you'll just get crushed if you try and get between them from long-distance.

For what it's worth, this is a common issue that parents have when the nest starts emtpying. My parents had the same issue, and also almost divorced. I couldn't be there for them because I was working a full time job in another state and attending a full-time university program at night, and my sister was living with me and in the same program. They'll either work it our or they won't.

Some of the signs you pointed out -- like dad sleeping in the recliner -- are just old people things, not necessarily a sign of a dissolving marriage. My mom and dad have separate bedrooms now. Lack of quality sleep (He snores when he first falls alseep and keeps her up, she snores for a few hours before she wakes up and wakes him up, which then wakes her up when he's tossing and turning or not in bed... and then he falls asleep again an snores again ... wash, rinse, repeat) was one of the issues they identified in a marriage.

My mom also did the "I don't want to work" thing. Dad encouraged her to start sewing draperies as a home business, since she's always enjoyed it just by herself doing decorating for the house, and she's now doing *that* -- and he also got her into bicycling, because her doctor told her she had to stop walking or her knees would give out. Those are things *he* offered, and she finally took him up on it after he yelled at her for almost a year. She's now actually in some sort of shape for the first time in years. ;) If anything, I'd try and get her to quit her job, because then she's not in the environment where she's with other people who are working in fast food all the time and considering them her peers...!

Oh, and the last thing -- my mom was having health issues. Six months on antidepressants and some good medical care solved them, and got a lot of the changes above to really take root.

If I were you, I'd make sure that the 17 year old and the 14 year old know that they can come to you if they need help, and you'll find a way to help them, and I'd leave your parents alone. Get a few good friends that are still living near your parents home to be 'on call' in case your siblings get stuck somewhere in case one of your parents pulls something outward.
posted by SpecialK at 8:52 AM on December 31, 2006

I suggest you talk to both your siblings frankly about the situation. It's almost certain they are much more aware of the situation than you are. In fact, they may be able to help you better understand it.

I would also suggest that you don't talk to them as the "older brother," but more as an equal sibling. Don't lecture, listen.

Your sister sounds like she is doing pretty well for herself. You can support her emotionally by just listening to her. Take her out to pizza. Go to the movies with her. Ask her about her friends. Move slowly into her family life.

Who knows about your 17y/o brother. It's possible that he's just waiting for the day to move the hell out of the house. He's probably sick of it. That doesn't excuse his nasty attitude, but he is 17. Chances are good that once he goes and lives his life (rather than his parents life), he'll straighten up. I barely made it through high school, but I ended graduating at the top of my class in college at a good school. It's better to mess around in HS than in college. Some people will probably disagree with me, but I suggest you share a beer with him somewhere.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is important for you to try to get rid of that "don't talk about it and it will go away" approach between you and your siblings.
posted by milarepa at 9:00 AM on December 31, 2006

Re-re-re-re-confirming that you can't solve their problems. Maybe you can just be the catalyst to communicatioin by telling them how you feel, and suggest they go to a therapist.

The "see a therapist" advice is not necessarily to save the marriage, but to help them decide if the marriage is salvagable. If they will go, which is not very likely, based on your description, it may help them at least start to address the issues, or decide it's too late.

Meanwhile, try to instigate and keep open communication with your siblings.

You may also want to consider a couple therapy visits for yourself as well. It can be very helpful.

Whatever the result, good luck and God bless you.
posted by The Deej at 9:25 AM on December 31, 2006

Go back to college, do as well as you can and let your younger siblings know that you'll be there for them.

It may be the case that they'll be happier apart than together.
posted by k8t at 9:45 AM on December 31, 2006

I've seen people stay together who shouldn't and split who shouldn't. Who knows what's best for someone else?

Dissatisfaction (at some level) is the NORM for long term relationships. Some people develop coping skills. Maybe your folks aren't able to, or their coping strategy is to maintain stress at the highest tenable level?

The salient point it that it's THEIR relationship. They will succeed or fail without your help. Don't try to 'own' it. It's theirs.

The best thing YOU can do, for yourself, is to make sure you learn the proper lessons from this. They are not YOU. You can choose to lead a better relationship life when the chance presents and try to live a better one.

The best thing you can do for your vulnerable siblings, is to encourage, protect, prepare and assist them in whatever ways you can. They are going to assume some blame for the meltdown, in their hearts, even though YOU know that's bullshit. Momma and Dad are just not good at their jobs.

Good luck. (I came from similar circumstances, BTW.) It's a rough road.
posted by FauxScot at 9:53 AM on December 31, 2006

I was just in a very similar situation. Here's the background... my parents marriage started to go when I was in high school. It got worse when I got to college. I began to notice odd things like my parents going on vacation separately, with other 'friends.' They hardly spent any time together anymore even though they still lived together. I began to be suspicious and even confronted my mom about if she was cheating on my dad, and she denied it, saying that she had strengthened bonds with some of her girlfriends from work. My dad's excuse was that he was spending more time with family in another state. I accepted this and didn't worry about it too much because I was also away at college and busy with my own life.

When I would come home for holidays and summer vacation, like you, is when I noticed that they barely acknowleged each other and spent a lot of time apart...and away from me and my brother, who is 2 years older than me but lives at home. My brother refused to talk about the strangeness, probably because he was experiencing it even more firsthand and just wanted to deny what was going on. It became pretty obvious that they were both cheating on each other, but I remained a bit in denial anyway.

Communication between my brother and I and our parents about their marriage was pretty much none. Then one day my mom moved out and in with another man, and soon after another woman moved into my house with my dad and brother! I was shocked, and couldn't deny anymore what was going on. Even though I saw it all coming from a mile away, there was still a big part of me that denied it. In short, this all rocked my world and I took it out bigtime on the guy I was crazy about. It actually became a huge stress on our relationship. I was so angry that my parents were never straight with me and my brother about what was happening, and I never knew about something until I would come home from college to visit and everything would be different.

I harbored a LOT of anger and resentment towards my parents for a long time. I'm out of college now and just spent my first Christmas with both sets of new parents, and finally gave it a shot to get to know them. Basically I just wish i had communicated with them better about what was going on, because finding out everything the way I did made me crazy. And this coming from someone who actually did see all this coming and *thought* I would be OK with it.

I know this story has gone on forever and it's probably very poorly told, but even now I still get heated about it. I guess what I'm saying is that it's great that you're thinking about how to be supportive of your siblings, you should make sure not to neglect yourself, because even though you think you may be OK with this, if/when it does happen, you're going to hurt. (YMMV though, I guess...)
posted by infinityjinx at 10:56 AM on December 31, 2006

Is there a way to make this normal?

Yes, but it's not in your hands. You're making a lot of suppositions and the way to work around them is to ask questions. "I've noticed that you seem more distant towards mom/dad since I've been home. Is there something I should know about?" Ask to open dialog, not to confront.

My folks started divorce proceedings while I was applying to colleges. I found out because I saw it on a financial aid form that my dad filled out. Apparently, both my older brothers knew and my folks were both scared of telling me because I'm the sensitive one.

So yeah, parents screw up, especially in things that are so emotionally charged. My mom still hasn't forgiven my dad and it's been more than 20 years.
posted by plinth at 12:06 PM on December 31, 2006

Like many people have said there's little that you can personally do. Their problems have most likely been stewing for years so there are no quick fixes, and it's possible that it's better if they were to split. My parents' divorce was welcomed. It ended a lot of stress that everyone in the family was feeling and had been feeling for a long time. Divorce, itself, is not always a bad thing. Staying in a marriage that is essentially over is always a bad thing. Not that this applies to your parents- only they can figure that out.

They should definitely see a professional, and your mother should definitely try to work on her own stuff, separate from her marriage, but you can't make that happen. The only thing can do is be there for them and for your siblings and for yourself.

I totally understand your concerns for your mother. My father is on the depressive side and throughout the whole thing, I worried most about him, but I realized then and still believe that it was not my mother's job (or mine) to save him. I also know, from personal experience, that people with low self esteem can sometimes find parts of themselves that they didn't know existed when events like a divorce or a breakup happens. It forces one to take a look at one's self and to move outside of ingrained comfort zones. If your parents were to divorce, your mother may find this happening.
posted by eunoia at 3:05 PM on December 31, 2006

I agree about deepening/strengthening the relationship with your siblings. If it's not very developed right now, how about a weekly phone call with them? You should probably make a point of _always_ being available at whatever weekly time you choose. Even if you guys only talk about "surface" stuff, what happened at school, etc., that may help them feel connected enough to go to you (or your oldest brother) if they really need to talk about something.
posted by amtho at 3:36 PM on December 31, 2006

Ouch, I feel for you. I went through the exact same thing when I was in college (ten years ago-ish).

What ended up happening in my situation was my parents split up and it totally sucked/was horrible/crazy messed up stuff happened/there were millions of tears and phone calls and all the drama you can imagine. It was crazy and upsetting and we kids were much more affected by it than we thought we'd be.

However, on the plus side...

- the younger siblings handled the divorce much, much better than the older ones. I don't know if they were just more resilient because they're kids, or if they were as sick of the fighting as our folks were.

- both parents picked themselves up by the bootstraps and were able to successfully get on with their lives. In other words, your mother may surprise you.

- looking back on the situation now, I'm really glad it happened. We all ended up ok, and I can honestly say we're all better and stronger people because of it. More importantly, I can see how happy both my parents are today, and I can't imagine wanting them to stay together for the sake of us kids.

So... if your experience mirrors mine at all, you guys will be really messed up for a while but some time around 2016 you can look back on it and smile.

In the meantime, I can recommend this book: A Grief Out of Season by Fintushel and Hillard. I found it pretty helpful at the time (and still break it out now and again...) Good luck.
posted by peppermint22 at 6:02 PM on December 31, 2006

Some general thoughts:

1. You cannot fix this.

2. A bad marriage is much worse than a good divorce.

3. Millions of children survive "broken homes" (geez, what an ABC After-School Special term) with no lasting effects.

4. Staying together for the kids is a selfish act, borne out of guilt, not a generous act in the childrens' interest.

5. As the oldest son, you may be able to have a "man-to-man" talk with your dad to really get the skinny on what's going on. Or not. It's really a crap-shoot.

6. Sounds as if your mom might be in some sort of clinical depression. That probably needs addressing independent of this other discussion.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:47 PM on January 1, 2007

I'm with milarepa on this one - the discomfort at home between your parents may well be contributing to his "screw-up" status. You said yourself that the tension in the home is palpable. I can't imagine he loves living in it. A dead marriage is going to make everyone in that house miserable, whether they're the spouse or not.

Just keep being there for your siblings. Be aware that if you do try and play councillor to either of your parents they may well take to venting their frustrations to you, and take it from me nothing is worse than being stuck in a small space with one parent slagging the other off. It's not going to help anything, and you get to you feel very small indeed.

Getting a divorce may be the best thing for them. But it's a decision that only they can make.
posted by Jilder at 5:06 AM on January 2, 2007