If you're in college what is "better" a relationship or keeping your options open?

December 28, 2006 11:45 PM

If you're in college what is "better" a relationship or keeping your options open?

(anonymous because the lady browses these forums occasionally...)

I am in college and dating a wonderful girl. However I feel like I'm missing out at the one time of my life I am surrounded by young attractive women. Also, my girl doesn't attend my college and I end up missing some of the social events.

I generally feel like I'm letting college pass me by. Also, considering the uncertainty of jobs and travel plans is it really that smart to hold down a relationship during this volatile time in our lives?

Mefites: Did you have a significant other in college? Did you regret it? Did it turn out great? And am I selfish bastard who should just appreciate what I have?

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 comments total)

*Sigh*
I'm facing this as well. I've decided to go with keeping my options open. Every time I start to get close to a girl I tend to back away quickly when I realize what's happening. All of it is preventative though, I think that if you already have a girlfriend you love, then stick with it.
posted by pwf at 12:00 AM on December 29, 2006

Some people just need to be with someone. Or feel they need to anyway. I am not one of those people, but I seem to be in the minority. I've never felt that I just needed... someone.

What are you missing, exactly, without her? Are you excluded from things because people are all... coupled? I can imagine this situation for a young professional, but in college?! A long term relationship for the vast majority of college students seems to be a semester or two.

I generally feel like I'm letting college pass me by.

You mean you wish you had the freedom to pursue the young attractive women you're surrounded by, because you'll never be in such a target rich environment again? Think about that. Is that really the person you want to be?

Why do you want to play the field? Is it more important to you, in the long run, than her? If so, yeah, you might as well break it off. Think about it though.

Don't cheat on her.

Also, considering the uncertainty of jobs and travel plans is it really that smart to hold down a relationship during this volatile time in our lives?

It can almost always work, if you want it to. The fact that keeping your options open has some value to you seems to indicate you don't really want it to very badly.

Yes, you may be broken up after school. You never know, you never have any sort of garuntee. All your relationships are finite, and they only time you have to enjoy them is now.
posted by phrontist at 12:07 AM on December 29, 2006

they only = the only
posted by phrontist at 12:13 AM on December 29, 2006

As someone who spent his teens, 20s and a good part of his 30s in (or finding) long term relationships, I say keep your options open and get together when you're in the same town. Or planning vacations. I never would have understood it at that age though, since the emotional component of these relationships is really what I was looking for and that is always strengthened more with consistency than variety. But enough about me. Social events are a big part of the learning experience of college and you can actually hamstring yourself a bit for your future if you don't participate to the degree that you would like to.

But yeah, don't cheat. You don't say what's wonderful about this gal so it's hard to put my answer in terms other than what my experience was, so take it all with a grain of salt.
posted by rhizome at 12:26 AM on December 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

Women are generally more attracted to somebody who is in a relationship, so there is no advantage to freeing yourself in anticipation of meeting someone else.
posted by bobo123 at 12:38 AM on December 29, 2006

If you think the relationship is a waste, get out of it. If you want to attend the social events instead of travel or stay waiting by the phone, do it.

bobo123 is exactly right. It does no good getting out of the relationship to hope to find someone local.

It is possible to still have a social life, and be in a relationship w/ someone long distance. Heck, my best "drinking buddy" is a girl. Clearly defined boundaries, trust, and complete honesty are key.
posted by coreb at 1:13 AM on December 29, 2006

It totally depends on the people involved. Since you asked for personal anecdotes, here's mine:

I met my now-husband in my freshman year of undergrad, and neither of us wanted to get bogged down in a relationship at the time -- it just kind of happened. As a matter of fact, at that point in my life I was pretty sure I didn't ever want to get married. Go figure.

I don't regret having a boyfriend in college because I honestly don't think I would have gotten much more out of college if I had been single. I can think of two major reasons for this; basically the right combination of personality and circumstance:

The biggest reason I think it worked for us is that we bring out the best in each other (awww), and therefore the personal growth that's so important in those years was actually fostered somewhat by our being together.

The second biggest reason I think it worked for us is probably more relevant to you: we were quasi-long-distance (about a forty minute drive apart) and could only see each other on weekends and infrequently during the week. Combined with the fact that we are both pretty independent, I had lots of time to myself and with my friends, and was able to do things on my own. This was crucial to getting the most out of college: we didn't expect more than some IMs or maybe a phone call during the week, and so we didn't take up too much of each other's lives.

The distance (and being poor) forced us to hold our relationship to a high standard: it just wasn't worth the long-distance bills, gas money, and time if our relationship started to stagnate or turn sour. At the same time, though, we saw each other frequently enough that we could gauge how things were between us. It sounds so mathematical, but it really isn't: we just had (have!) a great time together, and it was pretty clear between us that if we ever stopped enjoying each other so much, the realistic thing to do would be to break it off.

That having been said, all relationships require some degree of sacrifice and I don't know that I wouldn't have done some things differently if I were single. I just feel it balanced out in the end, because we learned how to make a mature relationship work while keeping our individuality.

Regarding your situation, I think the big thing is that you're feeling like you're missing out. Truthfully, it was very rare that I felt that way; in retrospect I don't think there was much that I did miss out on. If for whatever reason you're having doubts, it's probably not worth it. College is a great time, and you deserve to get the most out of it. Let's face it: my husband and I are probably one-in-a-million (and we didn't even want it to happen!). Breakups suck, but regret is worse.
posted by AV at 1:20 AM on December 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

It's a tough decision and if you do decide that a relationship isn't for you, don't do it by cheating. My significant other during college decided that she was missing out on other opportunities and decided screwing around while still in a relationship was a good way to have her cake and eat it too.

There are plenty of opportunities to meet young, attractive women while in a relationship and be friends. There can be sexual tension at times, but be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. After getting over the cheating, I eventually started dating one of my close friends I had met in one of my courses and we're still together today.

I don't think you're being selfish-- you're acknowledging what you're feeling and wanting to address it. Try talking to your girlfriend that way and perhaps a balance can be struck between you making the social events while maintaining your relationship? .
posted by perpetualstroll at 1:23 AM on December 29, 2006

Youth is (should be?) all about experience. I vote for being exploratory and seeing which relationships work for you and how you get into/out of them. When / if you do settle down, you'll know more about how to choose whom and when.
posted by FauxScot at 5:31 AM on December 29, 2006

What exactly is it that you want? Do you want to not settle down? To settle down with somone local? To sleep with everyone and anyone because you can? To find a long-term relationship? To have fun until you're in a stable job?

Like so many things there is no right or wrong answer, it's just a matter of figuring out what you want. When I was in college I wanted a long-term relationship, so I tried to build that. My brother wanted to have fun, so he did that. We were both honest about our intentions, so neither of us was "right" or "wrong." That being said, if what you want isn't what your girl can provide, let her go. Don't go at the relationship half-heartedly while keeping your eye wistfully on the field.

As for personal experiences, I dated a guy for quite a while during and after grad school. It didn't last, not because of the turmoil of being in school/graduating/working, but because we weren't compatible. When you're with the right person and fully invested in the relationship it can survive a surprising amount of turmoil.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:50 AM on December 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

I generally feel like I'm letting college pass me by.

Well, there's your answer right there. There's really nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship, even with a girl that is wonderful. If you see lots of women, and you want to get with them, there is really nothing wrong with that, either (as long as you're not misleading anybody). It's not like you're 65 and you're leaving your wife of 50 years. You're like what, 19? It's fine to break up with the girl because you don't want to be in a relationship. In fact, "not wanting to be in a relationship" is probably the best reason to not be in one.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:55 AM on December 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

You're conflating two issues here, I think.

Being in a long-distance relationship in college sucks. Moving as a student is harder than moving as an adult, because you're bound to the admissions sysem and the academic calendar. If Blah Blah State University won't let you in, you can't move to Blah Blah without dropping out. Traveling as a student is harder too, unless you miraculously have an income that doesn't require working weekends. And college is when most people's social lives are at their most local — if everyone else lives right up the hall from the center of their social life, and you live a few states away from yours, that's bound to be frustrating.

But being in a long-term relationship in college... well, there's no shame in that, and honestly you're not missing much. Drunken hookups and "playing the field" are overrated. If guys give you shit because you won't ditch your girlfriend to drink with them, they're assholes anyway. And if you're into the prototypical college experience, there's a lot of it — everything from fraternity date parties to off-campus cohabitation — that isn't open to single folk.

Still, if you don't want to be with this girl, you should break up with her. It's the obvious thing to do — and believe it or not, the nice thing, since stringing her along is a serious dick move. And you should probably avoid the long-distance thing until you've got more money, more self-determination and a more flexible social life. Just don't let the frustration you're feeling now turn you off if a nice local girl comes along.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:11 AM on December 29, 2006

There's a lot of casual sex happening in colleges, but generally people are looking for boyfriends and girlfriends. So leave her if you think you'd like someone else better, but realize that you're just as likely to get bogged down by the next girl, or the girl after that. Unless you really make sure that you cut things off with each partner early on in the courtship phase after you feel like you've gotten what you wanted from them: variety, stimulation, conquest. If that's the way you want to remember your college years, that's fine.

But it sounds more like there is idea of what your life should be like that you're trying to achieve. Before you act on it, you should think carefully and figure out where you came up with this idea. Your friends' lifestyles? Movies? Television?

Ultimately it doesn't sound like you're really into the girl you're with, and you should make sure that changes somehow. If that means ending it and looking around, so be it. But make sure that you're really trying to live your life the way you want it, and not the way you think you ought.
posted by hermitosis at 7:11 AM on December 29, 2006

Assuming you're a traditional age college student (below 25), you're WAY TOO YOUNG to be stuck in a relationship. Go forth and sow thy wild oats, young man.
posted by friarjohn at 7:39 AM on December 29, 2006

I (female) avoided getting tied down then, and enjoyed it quite a bit.

That might've changed if I'd met the guy, and I figured I would've known if I did. But.

What I suggest paying attention to are friendships, and that includes the ones you have with people you sleep with. I had a lot of great 'friends-with-privileges' relationships in school. I concur with the idea that 'playing the field' is over-rated -- I wasn't looking to do that; I just wasn't looking to be tied down. Ultimately, a few of the 'friends with privileges' eventually did turn into boyfriends of a sort. But nothing comparable to a serious, committed adult relationship. There was, for example, never any talk of moving in together.

Why can't you go to the social events you mentioned without her? That strikes me as odd, and perhaps an indication that you're more tied down than you should be.
posted by kmennie at 7:52 AM on December 29, 2006

Assuming you're a traditional age college student (below 25), you're WAY TOO YOUNG to be stuck in a relationship.

As a general rule, that stinks.
posted by cortex at 7:55 AM on December 29, 2006

Personal anecdotes ahead:
I was in 2 serious LDR's in college, during my freshman-fall of junior years. The first one broke off and I got together with #2 during the winter break of my freshman year. (This may be unique to my situation, but...) I really, REALLY wish I had never gotten into either relationship. I don't regret various things that happened during that time--but it really fucking sucked. Social outings were disasters that usually ended up with me on the phone with the bf trying to repeat over and over to them that I wasn't cheating on them just because I went to a party and had a few drinks.
(Then again, both of these assholes were psychotic abusive shitheads.)

My roommate on the other hand was in a semi-LDR for most of college. I think she was unhooked with someone for about 5 months, at the most. She and the current bf (they've been dating/seeing each other for the better part of 3 years) basically "had an open relationship" while she was at school. He never did anything with other women, but she made out with other men and slept in the same bed as them (somewhere between 3-5 men during the whole time) and everything was cool.

There were two girls who lived on my floor who were in the most confusing relationship of all time which turned into a giant trainwreck. H was dating M, who was away at a different college. H, M, and K had a threesome one drunken evening. M allowed H to have hookups and whatnot with K when M wasn't around. H and K ended up getting into a serious relationship, and M was broken up with, which led into its own fair share of drama.

J (a woman) and W (a man) were in a serious relationship all through college. J was in a sorority and W was in a fraternity. There was constant tension between the various brothers and sisters about said relationship because everyone thought that the other one was a psycho bitch/asshole. W also thought that every time J went to a party or to the bar that she was cheating on him. They broke up shortly after college when they moved in together.

In my experience, these relationships typically don't work out. However, my roommate is still together with her bf (they're now engaged and she's pregnant) so I guess it can work if both parties want it too. But I'd suggest letting things be open and once all the dust settles, then decide whether or not there's something good there with this other person. There was a lot of drunken hookups at my college, but I wasn't personally involved in any of them. I think that "keeping your options open" comes off as a little bit crass, but maybe something along the lines of being willing to meet people would be a better idea. After all, you never know who you're going to make friends with.
posted by sperose at 8:25 AM on December 29, 2006

I had two long term relationships in college (one of which turned into the marriage I'm currently part of now) and a year of being single inbetween.

No wild oats were sown. I couldn't get a date for the life of me. Oh, I tried, but it just did not work out. Dating sucks. Trying to date sucks even more.

And what sucks even more than that is knowing I wasted my first two years of college on the wrong person.

Ask yourself if you are in a relationship with the RIGHT PERSON. If this lady makes you happy and you can see yourself with her in the future (next week, next month, next year, etc.), then don't worry about what you're missing because what you've got is better than what's going on in the typical college dating scene. However, if you're questioning THIS relationship and not just relationships in general, this lady isn't making you happy, you fight a lot, etc, then just do yourselves both a favor and move on now before it gets ugly.

Don't throw away a good relationships just because you think you're too young to be serious. On the other hand, don't stay in a bad relationship just because she's there. If it's good, it's worth it. If it's bad, just end it.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:11 AM on December 29, 2006

This is also a philosophical issue that depends on your perception of the scope of your life.

Personally, I do not believe that it is possible to waste time. Time is not a resource. It may be quantifiable, but the way we experience it is not. All time spent reflecting on wasted time is an abuse of your present tense opportunities.
posted by hermitosis at 9:27 AM on December 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

Do you love her? If you're with her just to be "with somebody", with not even hope of falling in love, then let her go.
posted by LordSludge at 9:41 AM on December 29, 2006

Also, my girl doesn't attend my college and I end up missing some of the social events.

Be in or out of the relationship on its own merits, but this stated issue above smells questionable. What social events do you have to miss because she's not there? Are there a lot of only couples-only events at your school?

If you're staying home because you don't have someone to go with you then being without her isn't going to make that different: either way you're not going to have a ready date to go with you. If you're staying home because it's somehow a condition of your relationship with her (say, she's prone to jealousy or doesn't trust you) then you don't have to drop her to renegotiate this restriction.

There's nothing wrong with deciding you're not into her enough to be willing to forgoe sleeping with other women, but just be honest with yourself about it.
posted by phearlez at 10:35 AM on December 29, 2006

Look around at your single straight friends. Are they trying to find girlfriends? They are, right? Don't you think there's a reason?

Stay with her if she's the one you want to be with. Don't take this the wrong way, but at your age, the odds are that you'll be single and surrounded by young, attractive women again. And you know what you'll be doing then? Looking for a new girlfriend!

Caveat: I don't quite understand what you mean by "missing some of the social events." I am assuming your girlfriend actually likes you, wants you to have fun in college, and is OK with you going out to parties, school functions, etc. with the men and women you go to school with. If that's not true, cut the strings.

Reiterating what other people said, because it's important: if you do decide you've gotta be single, be a man and break up with her first. Don't cheat.
posted by escabeche at 11:24 AM on December 29, 2006

Also going through this right now. In the end, I think it depends on your personality (are you the type who needs to be with someone; can you handle flings with aplomb -- that is, go in, git 'er done, and get out without developing emotional attachment?).

I was in a long-distance, long-term relationship back in my boarding school days and in hindsight, I wish I hadn't liked her so much that I didn't break up with her. I realize it's different in college, but my past experience tells me that unless I find a girl who I could definitely see myself marrying or who is so incredibly awesome that she's worth the trouble, it's simply better for me to cut her loose -- especially if it's long distance, and especially if she is limiting my ability to fully experience everything my campus has to offer.

There are many beautiful and awesome girls out there. Never fall into the trap of thinking that there's just one with your name on her.
posted by roomwithaview at 12:25 PM on December 29, 2006

Based on the limited information you've provided, I say you and she discuss "seeing other people". If she won't, then strike out on your own. You can always try to go back to her; maybe she'd even try taking you back. If THAT works out, then you were meant to be. If not, then not.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:35 PM on December 29, 2006

I had a series of long-term relationships throughout college. I don't really recall being single but I don't regret it at all. I regret not breaking up with someone when it was time (as might be the case for you).

As others have mentioned, you need to determine whether or not the relationship you're in is right for you, not whether the concept of a relationship is right or wrong. FWIW, I started dating my boyfriend in college (almost five years ago) and it has worked out fine. We told each other that we'd keep it going as long as it was fun. Granted there is more keeping us together than that at this point, but it was a good mentality for us at the time. If you're not enjoying the relationship and are itching to get out, you probably should.
posted by ml98tu at 2:23 PM on December 29, 2006

This may be a rephrasing of some other comments, I didn't read them all. If you're happy with the girl, keep her. But, why doesn't she attend the social stuff with you? You shouldn't be expected to just hang out with her all the time or stay home. You may have the love of your life in your grasp and you might kick yourself later for deciding to dump her simply to sow your oats. On the other hand if you don't care that much or she refuses to mesh with your college stuff, turn her loose.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:46 PM on December 29, 2006

I dated someone starting in high school, all the way through college long-distance, and for two years after college (8 years total. same person). I would say, while this relationship is now over and in the past, it was worth it for me. Mainly because, we kept it open. We stated that if we met someone else and wanted to persue that other person, then we would. It just happened that we never met other people that we wanted more than we wanted each other.
So you can be in a relationship and keep your options open. And if you find other options that you think are better, then take those. If you find other options that you don't think are better, then you probably have a pretty good relationship. This is kind of the point of dating people. You might make a mistake and regret giving something up, but that's part of life I guess.
posted by greta simone at 8:24 AM on December 30, 2006

My knee-jerk reaction: Asking the question is its own answer. If you were really into your girl, you wouldn't be asking.

You may be -- probably are -- feeling guilty about wanting to move on, but from what you've written, I think you're going to wind up doing so anyway. In which case, you'll be doing her a favor by cutting the cord sooner rather than later.

I think it's pretty clear from your question that you want to move on. In which case, you pretty much have to.
posted by citysquirrel at 9:19 PM on December 30, 2006

Do what you want. Don't lie or cheat, but decide what it is that you want and honestly pursue it. I agree that if you are wondering about this, then perhaps your existing relationship is not what you really want.

Be honest about your motives and realistic about the effects of your actions. Peace and good luck.
posted by gbinal at 7:39 PM on January 3, 2007