How do I handle my mentally unstable father?

December 28, 2006 10:06 PM

How do I handle my mentally unstable father?

Sorry for the long background, but I want to try and provide as much back story as I can:

My mom divorced my dad when I was very young. Through finding various court papers, I know that he had gone off the deep end- he thought his secretary was spying on him and attempted to buy a gun, stalked her, threatened employees in his office, and he was admitted into a psych clinic. I don't know why or how he got out of the situation (this isn't something my mom will talk about), but I know that after he got out of the hospital he left us (my mom filed papers) he floated from job to job, sometimes getting help for his issues and sometimes he was homeless. He never tried to contact me, and for a very long time his parents and my mother assumed he was dead. I know I have a lot of anger about the situation, and I'm also frustrated that he owes my mom so much money in child support, but that is a whole other can of worms.

I grew up and began a relationship with my grandparents, who one day wrote to me with my father's address. He lives several states away from me. I sat on it a while- it had been over 20 years since I had seen or heard of/from him- and I was reassured by my grandfather that he was in a stable job again and taking care of himself. I finally decided that life was too short and I sent him a father's day card. Over the next two years I received very nice notes from him and a lot of apologies and some interesting emails, but I did not attempt to call him or contact him in person because I am just not ready for that yet.

The next two years saw a decline in his emails and letters to me, and he would often not comment on anything I wrote. His letters have become increasingly disparaging, or he will not write for several months.

I set up a separate email by which to receive his emails, and didn't receive anything for a few more months. After sending him a Christmas card this month, I admit that I didn't think to check my email on Christmas because I was with my friends and family and getting online was not my first thought. When I checked my email there was a "Merry Christmas" email, followed by another that said, "I was expecting an email from you, and I didn't get one, and I am disappointed. I guess I know where real humanity lies. Goodbye forever!"

So. I need the advice, opinions, someone throw me a clue here on how to proceed from here. I have no idea how to respond or how to deal with this at all. It isn't fun being abandoned by your father once, much less twice. I am also confused on if I should bother to tell his father (my grandfather) who is very ill, but continuously concerned about his son's mental state. I've also never told my mother about my communicating with him, because I didn't want him to think I was just coming after him for being a deadbeat dad- I have no real explanation for that except I was trying to be nice.

I know that getting therapy would probably be good, but money is a bit tight right now, so my main concern is should I bother salvaging this relationship at all? How much leeway do you give someone who is not all there?

posted by anonymous to human relations (7 comments total)

I would call him (semi-gently) on his Christmas BS drama/manipulation. Just say, in so many words, "I'm surprised by this email, I sent you a card, I wasn't on line, what's up with your 'goodbye forever'?" See what he says. If he has two bits of sense he'll pull it together.

Also, if the other notes & emails are disparaging toward you, I would consider taking a break from the relationship. Having a psychiatric illness is not an excuse (in my opinion) for being an asshole. And even if it were, that doesn't change the negative impact on you. Life's too short.

Just my two cents.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:28 PM on December 28, 2006

Two important truths I remind myself.
Some people just can't give you what you need from them.
You can't change people.

Yyou have pointed out, your father is a sick man. This means his ability to maintain a relationship may well be damaged. So how much leeway do you give him? Are either of you getting anything worthwhile out of the relationship? If it seems not, my personal view would be to end contact. Life is too short to be struggling with unnecessary and unworkable conflict. I would assume that because of the lack of contact that there has not been a deep relationship between you. Perhaps no more contact will cause less pain than the alternative.
posted by b33j at 10:28 PM on December 28, 2006 [1 favorite]

It's possible that your father was just having a lonely Christmas and was being hyper-sensitive. He's been hospitalized for mental illness and has been homeless (stigmatizing events in our society), he's floated through periods of unemployment, and he lives in a different state than he used to - perhaps on his own, or perhaps in a halfway house of sorts. It's not impossible to imagine that he has very few close friends and family members who have stayed on through it all. These things have set him apart in society, and his social skills may not be the best. In that case, ClaudiaCenter's advice (explain what happened, and ask him why he's being so dramatic) would work to clear up any misunderstandings.

But it's also possible that your father's mental condition is backsliding. In that case, as a kindness to him, you might consider telling someone - his father and/or your mother - so someone can get him help and can talk with you in more detail about his condition. As a complete side note, if his condition is something like schizophrenia, you have a medical need to know as it may be an inherited disease. I have an uncle with schizophrenia. By all accounts, he was a smart, fun, wonderful person until his disease hit him full-on in his twenties. Like your father, he was hospitalized, and were it not for an extremely strong family support system he would definitely have been homeless. He has been unemployable for many years. If you never saw him face-to-face, there would be times when (thanks to medicine) you would still find him smart, funny, and wonderful. However, there are other times when he's sure "others" are out to get him, and he's sure that he is the Messiah. This disease never releases its victim; medicine makes the person functional but not completely well. Like with any illness, a person with mental illness has symptoms which are unrelated to the people around them. It's hard not to take it personally, but do remember that this is the illness, and not how the person wishes to be.

Please remember that this is not a rejection of you, or about you in any way. He probably wants to be a good father, and to reconnect to you and let you know how sorry he is for his past failings. But, an illness or poor social skills and a bad day is preventing this from coming through.

When you were a child, it was right for you to respect your mother's wishes. Now that you are an adult, I hope your mother is not only a parent, but also a friend to you. She may not even be surprised to learn that you've been in contact with that side of your family - and in fact, may have been preparing for the day when it would happen. She may still be angry with him, but she loves you and wants to help you when things get rough. Most likely, she did not want you to have contact with him when you were young because she did not want you to get hurt. You are hurting now, and she almost certainly wants to help, but you have to tell her if she's to know that you're hurting.

So, if it were me, I would first try explaining the situation to your father (per ClaudiaCenter). If that did not work, and you get no response or a negative and weird email back, I would talk with others who love you and understand his illness better - your mother and his father.
posted by Houstonian at 12:42 AM on December 29, 2006 [2 favorites]

You didn't mention if he has a diagnosis that you know about, so -- well, anyway, he sounds an awful lot like some schizophrenics I've known. That might be the thing to read up on if you want a better understanding of him.

That said, I don't know that there's much else you can do. Calling him on his Xmas nonsense might just provoke a "See, I was right to distance myself from her; she's mean, etc" reaction.

Don't take the 'nonsense' personally, allow as much leeway as you can without getting hurt, and try to be happy about the times he is in contact and pleasant.

Medication would be an excellent idea, but convincing him to take it might be impossible. Good luck.
posted by kmennie at 6:37 AM on December 29, 2006

ClaudiaCenter has it right. You can speculate all you want on his situation, but it does not justify his action; it may explain it, but that is little comfort.

By calling him on it nicely, his response or lack thereof will give a true indication of who he is and what you mean to him.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:28 AM on December 29, 2006

Short answer: just write back and say "I didn't check my email on Christmas day, but I sent you a card earlier so you'd know I was thinking of you during the holidays. Did you not get it?" You can dispute his claim of being nasty to him without groveling.

Longer answer: If you pulled a thorn out of your cat's side and it hissed and scratched you, would you be angry at it and alter your relationship with your pet or would you recognize that it was hurting and didn't know any better?

Your father has a sickness and may or may not be able to control all his actions. It may be that maintaining a relationship with him is more overall trouble than it's worth to you - that's fair, you are a person with feelings and needs too. But a short and snotty email - presumably motivated by some kind of grief and/or desperation - shouldn't be your reason to cut off contact unless it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

Give him as much leeway as you can stand to without violating your personal principles, assuming you're getting something out of this relationship. You don't have to be his punching bag: if he writes disparaging things to you, write back and tell him that's unacceptable and if he's not going to treat you with respect then you're going to cease contact. If that's all he has to offer you then if I were in your shoes I'd kick him to the curb.

Presumably there's more to it than that, though, and he's shown the ability to function at a better level. Perhaps your demand for more civility will be a motivation for him to seek (more?) help and improve.
posted by phearlez at 11:17 AM on December 29, 2006

I just remembered something. A good friend of mine has a somewhat similar situation. His father (who is Syrian, lives in Syria) is, well, bats. He has grand plans for becoming a milionnaire, he has elaborate and negative conspiracy theories regarding other members of his family. He appears and disappears. [Dreadful back story: When my friend was a child, the father kidnapped him and his sister and took them to Syria; the mother did not get them back to the US until the father allowed them to return as teenagers.] Anyway -- the sister realy doesn't deal with the dad. He has "fun" beliefs about women, and has really offended her repeatedly (things like saying she's a slut because she's not a virgin). But my friend has over many years figured out a way to have a relationship. They started off emailing, and now they have a Yahoo phone date (like Skype) every Monday. He ignores his father's plans and theories and ravings, and tries to chat about day-to-day stuff, or happy memories from his childhood in Syria, or whatever.

So ... I'm not sure there's a point here, other than that whether you can deal with your dad may just depend -- there's no right or wrong answer. My friend's sister can't deal, and doesn't. My friend has managed, with a lot of work. Each person is doing what is right for them.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:40 AM on December 30, 2006