Comments on: Make up fortunes for fortune cookies!

Question: Make up fortunes for fortune cookies!

aws17576 — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 17:51:58 -0800

Querying the hive wit: Help me come up with fortunes for homemade fortune cookies.

I would like fortunes that can stand on their own... but if they happen to make good double-entendres when suffixed by "in bed," so much the better. (The benchmark to beat, in my own fortune-cookie-opening experience, is "A handful of patience is worth a bushel of brains.")

Non-original fortunes are welcome if unusual and interesting, but please, I already know that the onion I'm eating is your water lily.

Bonus: If you have actually made fortune cookies, do you have a preferred recipe, or any advice on how not to screw them up?

By: Frank Grimes

Frank Grimes — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:01:54 -0800

You will find a place to hide your sausage.

Back door guests are best.

Sometimes you're on top, sometimes she is.

By: quin

quin — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:02:26 -0800

Will people know that you made them? because the old classic could be updated to "Help, I'm trapped in aws17576's kitchen!"

Or just things people wished they knew, like made up sports scores: "Packers 14 Vikings 21"

Or veiled threats: "Be careful crossing the street. Accidents happen"

Others:

"It will all end in dust"
"Tomorrow is today, just a day later"
"Don't look down."
"The next time someone asks you if you are a god, you say 'yes'"

By: mdpc98

mdpc98 — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:05:01 -0800

it's benign

By: 445supermag

445supermag — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:08:28 -0800

The Simpsons had a great show where Homer writes fortunes. Most of them were pretty good, except for the one that Mr. Burns got, "You will find love on Flag Day." (That is the one the show centers around.)

The most memorable fortune that a family member has gotten was one my then almost two year old son got at at a dinner party planned by a professor and attended by students (mostly traditional students, we were a little farther along in life.) It said "You will get lucky tonight." Several other college guys looked pretty jealous that my son got it instead of them, and some of the girlfriends did some smirking at their guys!

wife of 445supermag

By: frogan

frogan — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:08:32 -0800

I've always wished for fortune cookies that are unbelievably specific.

"Paperboy in the fifth race at Santa Anita."
"Allied Chemicals at 51 3/4. Buy."
"Throw me the idol and I'll throw you the whip."

By: French Fry

French Fry — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:08:35 -0800

I am In ur Cookie, Killing ur Fortune

By: socratic

socratic — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:09:53 -0800

Two scout's-honor real ones I've gotten over the last few months:

"We are very happy together." (Who? The cookie and me?)

and my favorite:

"Support literacy! Buy a box of fortune cookies today!"

By: mullingitover

mullingitover — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:13:29 -0800

"Put everything you own on red asap."

By: Verdandi

Verdandi — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:19:15 -0800

"Sorry, your fortune is in another cookie."

By: Dizzy

Dizzy — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:30:32 -0800

"Lindsay Lohan Was Misunderstood."

By: cobaltnine

cobaltnine — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:42:49 -0800

The creepiest fortune cookie I ever got was:
Do not walk alone by the railroad tracks at night.

Waay too specific.

That being said, the Surrealist Compliment generator might help you out.

By: AwkwardPause

AwkwardPause — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:44:08 -0800

"It wasn't chicken."

By: Margalo Epps

Margalo Epps — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 18:56:52 -0800

I've always thought The Onion's horoscopes would make good fortunes. (Depends on whether you want cheerful fortunes or not, I guess.)

By: 4ster

4ster — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:04:06 -0800

"You will meet a cookie-maker tonight who forgets to wash his hands."

By: 4ster

4ster — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:05:24 -0800

"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and you are wearing Milk-Bone underwear."

By: kisch mokusch

kisch mokusch — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:06:14 -0800

"Your life will not wendell"

By: nola

nola — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:07:48 -0800

"no one lives forever."

"try jiggling the handle."

"keep your nose clean kid."

"horses are not cheap."

By: DMan

DMan — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:11:12 -0800

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

"Life's tough. Wear a helmet.

By: ardgedee

ardgedee — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:17:36 -0800

"You will soon eat a cookie."

By: xo

xo — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:33:50 -0800

Real fortunes I have gotten:
Life isn't a struggle; it's a wiggle.
Life is not as serious as it seems to the waiter.

By: rob511

rob511 — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:50:31 -0800

I love fortune-cookie near-misses:

"Whither thou comest, there come I."
"Don't eat crack."
"Blessed are the pacemakers."
"Beware the tides of March."
"Cash thy bread upon the waters."

By: Orb

Orb — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 19:55:50 -0800

Free fortune cookie fortunes in a variety of topics in printable PDF format.

Some strange ones in PDF here.

And here's a really funny one I got from a friend's recent batch of cookies:

"If you think your life is stupid, try typing fortunes for fortune cookies as a career."

By: chickletworks

chickletworks — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 20:09:30 -0800

I made fortune cookies once using Martha Stewart's recipe. It wasn't hard and the recipe was pretty straightforward. The only problem I encountered was burning my fingertips, since the cookies have to be folded while they're still very hot. You could try using gloves, but that would probably inhibit your folding ability.

The cookies also took f o r e v e r to make, since they have to be baked and folded one at a time. (The recipe says to bake up to four at once, but in my experience you can't fold that many before they cool.) I've been told that the process can be expedited by using a skillet instead of an oven to cook the batter, but I've never tried that method.

Other tips:
Bigger cookies are definitely easier
Make the fortunes out of really thin paper, so they don't inhibit folding
Use a Silpat or Reynolds Release nonstick foil to line to cookie sheet; Pam makes the batter burn

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 20:23:52 -0800

In the next fortune cookie I'll announce that I am a candidate for President of the United States.

By: cowbellemoo

cowbellemoo — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 21:18:14 -0800

BE ADEQUITE!

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 21:50:23 -0800

"You'll find no life lessons in a cookie."

"You are good with animals."

"Behind you!"

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 21:54:46 -0800

By: quin

quin — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:07:16 -0800

I was rushing my initial post and I missed that you wanted double-entendres if possible.

"Two hands pull harder than one"
"A cunning linguist is popular in any language" [with respect paid to our own]
"Action is excellence"
"A cleverly placed item will ensure popularity"
"Rushing will ensure failure of completion"
"A well placed nail will be the definition of success"
"Two birds on hand do not guarantee a bush"
"Measure twice, show off to your friends" /ok, a little obvious
"Don't be afraid to show them what you've got."
"Your fear may will bind you, but experimenting will set you free"
"Apologize for your short comings"

They are off the top of my head, but maybe you can do something with them.

By: vito90

vito90 — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:10:47 -0800

A real one I got "The only true love is self-love", and when I got it I had the reputation amongst my friends as being a world-class jacker, so the "in bed" addition was particularly apropo.

By: DoctorFedora

DoctorFedora — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:15:35 -0800

A penny saved is worth two in the bush.

By: niles

niles — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:28:20 -0800

You do know about the "you need to add the phrase 'in bed' when you read the forture" rule, right?

Like "Apologize for your short comings" becomes "Apologize for your short comings...in bed".

Hmm...this can get ugly.

By: niles

niles — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:28:54 -0800

Except you know that.

I'm going to bed.

By: Jade Dragon

Jade Dragon — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 22:53:49 -0800

I created "Klingon Mis-Fortune Cookies" a number of years ago, as a special treat for Star Trek celebrities who used to come to some of our room parties for the "Klingon Imperial Diplomatic Corps".

After lots of experiments, we actually found it easier and faster, time-wise, to purchase large bags of fortune cookies from the local Chinatown, and pull out the fortunes with tweezers. We then would re-insert out own Klingon mis-fortunes. We found that if they were folded, it was much easier and nobody seemed to notice the difference -- as they would always ask where we had them made for us.

Our special touch was to have a small Klingon trefoil emblem beside the fortune, much like you will find the logo of the company who makes the cookies. It was a crowning touch that really seemed to make them go over really well. So you might also want to add a particular tiny graphic or logo, in keeping with your theme or mood, as it will certainly add some extra "oomph" to your project.

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 23:02:56 -0800

Today is your golden lucky day.

You will die lonely and alone.

Stop looking for answers, there are none.

Eat me.

Pretend it didn't happen.

Those pants make your ass look big.

By: BoscosMom

BoscosMom — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 23:12:29 -0800

You are unique. Just like everybody else.
More here: Dispair.com

By: Dipsomaniac

Dipsomaniac — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 00:19:03 -0800

"That wasn't chicken."

By: bephillips

bephillips — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 01:30:16 -0800

God isn't real.

By: stringbean

stringbean — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 02:03:34 -0800

Fortune Cookie Messages:

Fortune Cookie Corpus by Kristen N. Stubbs (for messages, scroll down to the bottom of the first link - .txt and .csv formats available)
Fortune Cookie Messages from Kevin's Web Space (html list of messages including the lucky numbers)

Note: The above links contain actual fortune cookie messages but I found many that would turn out quite funny when suffixed by "...in bed."

Fortune Cookie Recipes:

AllRecipes: Fortune Cookies So Easy, Fortune Cookies I, Fortune Cookies II and Fortune Cookies III
FoodNetwork: Fortune Cookies, Good-Fortune Cookies and Hazelnut Fortune Cookies
RecipeSource: Fried Fortune Cookies and Fortune Cookies (from The Complete Diabetic Cookbook)
Epicurious: Almond Fortune Cookies
Recipezaar: Fortune Cookies (highly rated)

Note: All of the above recipes were found using the World's Biggest Cookbook recipe search engine.

Preparation Advice:

Be sure to invite friends to help you make them. Fortune cookies cool quickly so you can only make a few at a time if you are alone.

Fortune Cookie Trivia:

After World War I, (South California) bakery owner David Jung wanted to give the people he saw in the streets something to eat and a message of encouragement. Jung experimented with different types of batters and methods until he came up with the method used today... Jung was influenced by a Chinese custom. When children were born, families would send out cake rolls with a message inside announcing the birth of the child.

According to Nancy Chan of the Golden Gate Fortune Cookies Company:
One must eat the entire Chinese fortune cookie for the fortune on the paper inside to come true...

Edward Louie revolutionized cookie production with a machine and, before he died, gave fortune cookies to patients for encouragement, in an effort to eliminate the psychic effects caused by illness.

Note: All of the above fortune cookie trivia tidbits were stolen from article entitled Fortune Cookie US Invention (Archive.org) by Ellie Parvin.

Comments on Previous Comments:

Jade Dragon wrote:

After lots of experiments, we actually found it easier and faster, time-wise, to purchase large bags of fortune cookies from the local Chinatown, and pull out the fortunes with tweezers.

Agreed if you are pressed for time. I disagree, however, if you have ample time and/or manpower available. If you decide to go the homemade route, should definitely expect a big mess, burned fingertips and several spoiled batches before you Get It Right^TM... but think of all the fun you will have!

BTW, adding the emblem beside the fortune is a great idea, Jade.

P.S. 4ster wins.

By: sandra_s

sandra_s — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 03:57:00 -0800

"Help, I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory"

By: Ironmouth

Ironmouth — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 06:09:00 -0800

Failure is always an option.

By: beth

beth — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 07:48:22 -0800

"Your favorite band sucks."

But to be a little more serious, this reminds me of when my gifted & talented class was taken for a lunch field trip down to Sakura Square, a place in town with a bunch of Asian stores and restaurants. Some of the kids bought "X-rated" (or maybe just naughty) fortune cookies at a market, and we had great fun passing them around the table at lunch, much to our teacher's chagrin.

I only remember a couple. They were all preceded with "Fat Fong say:". Anyhow, here are the two I remember:

"Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth."

"Bride and groom sneak away from wedding reception to get their things together."

Sorry I can't remember more...

By: toomuch

toomuch — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 09:55:31 -0800

Sorry I'm so late. I can't believe nobody posted these:

"The price of stamps grows ever higher"

"You will find love on Flag Day"

By: niles

niles — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 10:31:56 -0800

The Q-Files has a One-Liner section, many of which would work on fortune cookies.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 11:11:37 -0800

- Out of Order (...in bed)
- Mission Accomplished (...in bed)
- (S)He's Cheating on You (...in bed)
- Deal, or No Deal? (...in bed)
- You've Got Something Between Your Teeth (...in bed)

By: 4ster

4ster — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 18:11:27 -0800

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

"You will never be a rock star."

By: BoscosMom

BoscosMom — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 20:06:16 -0800

Not exactly a recipe but here's a video on how to crochet a fortune cookie.

By: kosher_jenny

kosher_jenny — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 01:41:12 -0800

"Confucius says: Resistance is futile"

An actual fortune cookie fortune I once recieved.