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Make up fortunes for fortune cookies!
December 27, 2006 5:51 PM   Subscribe

Querying the hive wit: Help me come up with fortunes for homemade fortune cookies.

I would like fortunes that can stand on their own... but if they happen to make good double-entendres when suffixed by "in bed," so much the better. (The benchmark to beat, in my own fortune-cookie-opening experience, is "A handful of patience is worth a bushel of brains.")

Non-original fortunes are welcome if unusual and interesting, but please, I already know that the onion I'm eating is your water lily.

Bonus: If you have actually made fortune cookies, do you have a preferred recipe, or any advice on how not to screw them up?
posted by aws17576 to Food & Drink (47 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
You will find a place to hide your sausage.

Back door guests are best.

Sometimes you're on top, sometimes she is.
posted by Frank Grimes at 6:01 PM on December 27, 2006


Will people know that you made them? because the old classic could be updated to "Help, I'm trapped in aws17576's kitchen!"

Or just things people wished they knew, like made up sports scores: "Packers 14 Vikings 21"

Or veiled threats: "Be careful crossing the street. Accidents happen"

Others:

"It will all end in dust"
"Tomorrow is today, just a day later"
"Don't look down."
"The next time someone asks you if you are a god, you say 'yes'"
posted by quin at 6:02 PM on December 27, 2006


it's benign
posted by mdpc98 at 6:05 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


The Simpsons had a great show where Homer writes fortunes. Most of them were pretty good, except for the one that Mr. Burns got, "You will find love on Flag Day." (That is the one the show centers around.)

The most memorable fortune that a family member has gotten was one my then almost two year old son got at at a dinner party planned by a professor and attended by students (mostly traditional students, we were a little farther along in life.) It said "You will get lucky tonight." Several other college guys looked pretty jealous that my son got it instead of them, and some of the girlfriends did some smirking at their guys!

wife of 445supermag
posted by 445supermag at 6:08 PM on December 27, 2006


I've always wished for fortune cookies that are unbelievably specific.

"Paperboy in the fifth race at Santa Anita."
"Allied Chemicals at 51 3/4. Buy."
"Throw me the idol and I'll throw you the whip."
posted by frogan at 6:08 PM on December 27, 2006


I am In ur Cookie, Killing ur Fortune
posted by French Fry at 6:08 PM on December 27, 2006


Two scout's-honor real ones I've gotten over the last few months:

"We are very happy together." (Who? The cookie and me?)

and my favorite:

"Support literacy! Buy a box of fortune cookies today!"
posted by socratic at 6:09 PM on December 27, 2006


"Put everything you own on red asap."
posted by mullingitover at 6:13 PM on December 27, 2006


"Sorry, your fortune is in another cookie."
posted by Verdandi at 6:19 PM on December 27, 2006


"Lindsay Lohan Was Misunderstood."
posted by Dizzy at 6:30 PM on December 27, 2006


The creepiest fortune cookie I ever got was:
Do not walk alone by the railroad tracks at night.

Waay too specific.

That being said, the Surrealist Compliment generator might help you out.
posted by cobaltnine at 6:42 PM on December 27, 2006


"It wasn't chicken."
posted by AwkwardPause at 6:44 PM on December 27, 2006


I've always thought The Onion's horoscopes would make good fortunes. (Depends on whether you want cheerful fortunes or not, I guess.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 6:56 PM on December 27, 2006


"You will meet a cookie-maker tonight who forgets to wash his hands."
posted by 4ster at 7:04 PM on December 27, 2006


"It's a dog-eat-dog world, and you are wearing Milk-Bone underwear."
posted by 4ster at 7:05 PM on December 27, 2006


"Your life will not wendell"
posted by kisch mokusch at 7:06 PM on December 27, 2006


"no one lives forever."

"try jiggling the handle."

"keep your nose clean kid."

"horses are not cheap."
posted by nola at 7:07 PM on December 27, 2006


"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

"Life's tough. Wear a helmet.
posted by DMan at 7:11 PM on December 27, 2006


"You will soon eat a cookie."
posted by ardgedee at 7:17 PM on December 27, 2006


Real fortunes I have gotten:
Life isn't a struggle; it's a wiggle.
Life is not as serious as it seems to the waiter.
posted by xo at 7:33 PM on December 27, 2006


I love fortune-cookie near-misses:

"Whither thou comest, there come I."
"Don't eat crack."
"Blessed are the pacemakers."
"Beware the tides of March."
"Cash thy bread upon the waters."
posted by rob511 at 7:50 PM on December 27, 2006


Free fortune cookie fortunes in a variety of topics in printable PDF format.

Some strange ones in PDF here.

And here's a really funny one I got from a friend's recent batch of cookies:

"If you think your life is stupid, try typing fortunes for fortune cookies as a career."
posted by Orb at 7:55 PM on December 27, 2006


I made fortune cookies once using Martha Stewart's recipe. It wasn't hard and the recipe was pretty straightforward. The only problem I encountered was burning my fingertips, since the cookies have to be folded while they're still very hot. You could try using gloves, but that would probably inhibit your folding ability.

The cookies also took f o r e v e r to make, since they have to be baked and folded one at a time. (The recipe says to bake up to four at once, but in my experience you can't fold that many before they cool.) I've been told that the process can be expedited by using a skillet instead of an oven to cook the batter, but I've never tried that method.

Other tips:
Bigger cookies are definitely easier
Make the fortunes out of really thin paper, so they don't inhibit folding
Use a Silpat or Reynolds Release nonstick foil to line to cookie sheet; Pam makes the batter burn
posted by chickletworks at 8:09 PM on December 27, 2006


In the next fortune cookie I'll announce that I am a candidate for President of the United States.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:23 PM on December 27, 2006


BE ADEQUITE!
posted by cowbellemoo at 9:18 PM on December 27, 2006


"You'll find no life lessons in a cookie."

"You are good with animals."

"Behind you!"
posted by ColdChef at 9:50 PM on December 27, 2006


See also.
posted by ColdChef at 9:54 PM on December 27, 2006


I was rushing my initial post and I missed that you wanted double-entendres if possible.

"Two hands pull harder than one"
"A cunning linguist is popular in any language" [with respect paid to our own]
"Action is excellence"
"A cleverly placed item will ensure popularity"
"Rushing will ensure failure of completion"
"A well placed nail will be the definition of success"
"Two birds on hand do not guarantee a bush"
"Measure twice, show off to your friends" /ok, a little obvious
"Don't be afraid to show them what you've got."
"Your fear may will bind you, but experimenting will set you free"
"Apologize for your short comings"

They are off the top of my head, but maybe you can do something with them.
posted by quin at 10:07 PM on December 27, 2006


A real one I got "The only true love is self-love", and when I got it I had the reputation amongst my friends as being a world-class jacker, so the "in bed" addition was particularly apropo.
posted by vito90 at 10:10 PM on December 27, 2006


A penny saved is worth two in the bush.
posted by DoctorFedora at 10:15 PM on December 27, 2006


You do know about the "you need to add the phrase 'in bed' when you read the forture" rule, right?

Like "Apologize for your short comings" becomes "Apologize for your short comings...in bed".

Hmm...this can get ugly.

posted by niles at 10:28 PM on December 27, 2006


Except you know that.

I'm going to bed.
posted by niles at 10:28 PM on December 27, 2006


I created "Klingon Mis-Fortune Cookies" a number of years ago, as a special treat for Star Trek celebrities who used to come to some of our room parties for the "Klingon Imperial Diplomatic Corps".

After lots of experiments, we actually found it easier and faster, time-wise, to purchase large bags of fortune cookies from the local Chinatown, and pull out the fortunes with tweezers. We then would re-insert out own Klingon mis-fortunes. We found that if they were folded, it was much easier and nobody seemed to notice the difference -- as they would always ask where we had them made for us.

Our special touch was to have a small Klingon trefoil emblem beside the fortune, much like you will find the logo of the company who makes the cookies. It was a crowning touch that really seemed to make them go over really well. So you might also want to add a particular tiny graphic or logo, in keeping with your theme or mood, as it will certainly add some extra "oomph" to your project.
posted by Jade Dragon at 10:53 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


Today is your golden lucky day.

You will die lonely and alone.

Stop looking for answers, there are none.

Eat me.

Pretend it didn't happen.

Those pants make your ass look big.
posted by Meatbomb at 11:02 PM on December 27, 2006


You are unique. Just like everybody else.
More here: Dispair.com
posted by BoscosMom at 11:12 PM on December 27, 2006


"That wasn't chicken."
posted by Dipsomaniac at 12:19 AM on December 28, 2006


God isn't real.
posted by bephillips at 1:30 AM on December 28, 2006


Fortune Cookie Messages: Note: The above links contain actual fortune cookie messages but I found many that would turn out quite funny when suffixed by "...in bed."

Fortune Cookie Recipes: Note: All of the above recipes were found using the World's Biggest Cookbook recipe search engine.

Preparation Advice:

Be sure to invite friends to help you make them. Fortune cookies cool quickly so you can only make a few at a time if you are alone.

Fortune Cookie Trivia:

After World War I, (South California) bakery owner David Jung wanted to give the people he saw in the streets something to eat and a message of encouragement. Jung experimented with different types of batters and methods until he came up with the method used today... Jung was influenced by a Chinese custom. When children were born, families would send out cake rolls with a message inside announcing the birth of the child.

According to Nancy Chan of the Golden Gate Fortune Cookies Company:
One must eat the entire Chinese fortune cookie for the fortune on the paper inside to come true...

Edward Louie revolutionized cookie production with a machine and, before he died, gave fortune cookies to patients for encouragement, in an effort to eliminate the psychic effects caused by illness.

Note: All of the above fortune cookie trivia tidbits were stolen from article entitled Fortune Cookie US Invention (Archive.org) by Ellie Parvin.

Comments on Previous Comments:

Jade Dragon wrote:

After lots of experiments, we actually found it easier and faster, time-wise, to purchase large bags of fortune cookies from the local Chinatown, and pull out the fortunes with tweezers.

Agreed if you are pressed for time. I disagree, however, if you have ample time and/or manpower available. If you decide to go the homemade route, should definitely expect a big mess, burned fingertips and several spoiled batches before you Get It RightTM... but think of all the fun you will have!

BTW, adding the emblem beside the fortune is a great idea, Jade.

P.S. 4ster wins.
posted by stringbean at 2:03 AM on December 28, 2006


"Help, I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory"
posted by sandra_s at 3:57 AM on December 28, 2006


Failure is always an option.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:09 AM on December 28, 2006


"Your favorite band sucks."

But to be a little more serious, this reminds me of when my gifted & talented class was taken for a lunch field trip down to Sakura Square, a place in town with a bunch of Asian stores and restaurants. Some of the kids bought "X-rated" (or maybe just naughty) fortune cookies at a market, and we had great fun passing them around the table at lunch, much to our teacher's chagrin.

I only remember a couple. They were all preceded with "Fat Fong say:". Anyhow, here are the two I remember:

"Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth."

"Bride and groom sneak away from wedding reception to get their things together."

Sorry I can't remember more...
posted by beth at 7:48 AM on December 28, 2006


Sorry I'm so late. I can't believe nobody posted these:

"The price of stamps grows ever higher"

"You will find love on Flag Day"
posted by toomuch at 9:55 AM on December 28, 2006


The Q-Files has a One-Liner section, many of which would work on fortune cookies.
posted by niles at 10:31 AM on December 28, 2006


- Out of Order (...in bed)
- Mission Accomplished (...in bed)
- (S)He's Cheating on You (...in bed)
- Deal, or No Deal? (...in bed)
- You've Got Something Between Your Teeth (...in bed)
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:11 AM on December 28, 2006


"Trying is the first step towards failure."

"You will never be a rock star."
posted by 4ster at 6:11 PM on December 28, 2006


Not exactly a recipe but here's a video on how to crochet a fortune cookie.
posted by BoscosMom at 8:06 PM on December 28, 2006


"Confucius says: Resistance is futile"

An actual fortune cookie fortune I once recieved.
posted by kosher_jenny at 1:41 AM on December 29, 2006


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