Space sucks.

December 21, 2006 11:23 PM

Relationshipfilter: My 5month girlfriend suddenly realized she needs space to grow on her own, outside of a serious relationship. How the hell do I do it?

[Trying to cut out the unnecessary details but its tough]

We've been dating for 5 months but are 2 hours apart. She's 23, I'm 24. We had a great relationship but the only problem was she's always been hesitant to get into anything serious because she's never been outside of a relationship in almost 8 years. She was 4 months out of a 6 year relationship (spanning from highschool all the way through college) when we met. Neither of us knows where we will be a year from now (me with my job and her with grad school). We hit it off perfectly and started spending more and more time together and eventually dropped the 'ILY' bomb on each other after 5 months. I was incredibly happy, things were going well. We saw each other at least 2 days every week and had tons more fun with each other than anyone else in our lives. Everything was going great...

Saturday she had a crisis on conscience and realized she had ended up right back where she started-- in a committed relationship. She had wanted to take time off from relationships so she could pursue her own goals, and grow as her own person. She wasn't expecting to fall in love with someone so soon, and she suddenly finds herself wanting to change her life to be with me. She knows her personal growth has to be the most important thing to her right now, and she can't grow as a person if her happiness is entirely dependent on someone else.

This summer she is going out of the country on her own for 3 months, and i know that when she gets back we may destined to move to opposite sides of the country. I am going to be promoted to manage a branch office somewhere in the South East, She is going to grad school somewhere in the South East. I would never ask her to give up those plans for me. But after the summer, theres still a good chance that we'll remain only 2 hours away from each other for the 2007/2008 school year. 2 hours doesnt bother me at all, and I think after being together for 1.5 years we'd have a much better perspective on the future of our relationship. Why throw something great away simply because you dont know what the future will bring? Part of her reasoning for trying to stay 'unattached' is that it will hurt worse if we spend the next 5 months getting even closer and have to break up because our futures are taking us to different places.

So Saturday she ended the 'serious' part of the relationship. She still wants to talk often and see each other when possible (without necessarily making the sacrifices that twice-weekly contact required). She accidentally says 'i love you' to me still but is trying to stop doing that. I completely appreciate where she's coming from but i don't want to see such a great thing end simply due to bad timing.

How do I give her space? I am bad at staying in control in relationships. I can easily see letting her have her cake and eat it too (always being the one to drive to see her, always being the one to call first etc)-- but i'd grow to resent it and she'd subconsciously lose respect for me.

The rational part of me says "just explain to her that since she needs space, yall need to cease contact for a time so you can see what life is like without the other person in it. This way yall can either get back together after the space, or you can move on". I want her back because she's just such a great part of my life.

The emotional part of me says "take the relationship she can give you because its all you'll get", "you'll lose her if you make it seem like you just want to move on", and "dont risk it!". I miss her terribly when we dont talk, and I tried the space thing earlier this week but caved in after 12 hours (pathetic).

Has anyone been in this situation before and/or have advice on what works?

One kicker-- in early january (no set date) we have already planned to meet up and exchange gifts. It was my idea and backing out of it isn't an option.

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

Relationships really suck, especially the end parts. It looks like yours has reached its end parts. Listen to your rational side. If you both can't stand it, then maybe you should reevaluate the seperate futures. If not, start moving on.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:38 PM on December 21, 2006

That situation is absurd and doomed to abject failure. If you want a real relationship with this girl, tell her so at your meeting in January. If she isn't up for it, tell her you have to move on. And then do so.
posted by Justinian at 12:32 AM on December 22, 2006

To the original question, you just do. You get through it by getting clear on what you really want from a relationship, i.e., someone who isn't scared of commitment, someone who doesn't see being in a relationship and personal growth as mutually exclusive, someone with a fearless heart, someone who doesn't mind a little travel, whatever the facets are that seem to be your friends (or your interpretation of her) reasons plus anything you find attractive in women. Y'all are fairly young - your relationship should be lots of fun, not lots of stress.
If you can get much more clear on where you want to be and the kind of person you would like to be with, it will help you let your friend have her space or do whatever she is going to do. This isn't to say you might not get your heart torn up - like David Crosby said, Everybody's Been Burned, but being clear can help now and in the future.

I don't think what is going on is "bad timing". Some parts of your relationship might be inconvenient but if someone really wants something, they'll go for it, if not, they'll not make the effort. As far as going for it goes, you sound like you have a pretty good idea what you'd like your relationship with this girl to be - I would suggest being VERY clear with yourself on what you want (example - "I'm interested in a romantic relationship with person X") - and if she is not ready to commit, then move on. Do not settle for crumbs, or being a phone buddy if what you want is a girlfriend. You'll be wasting time that could be spent enjoying life or meeting new girls or whatever.

And figure out how you feel and what you want with your friends, or MeFi or anyone you can really lean on but not her. Probably not best to expect her to be your counselor.

Talk, and typing, is cheap. I'm trying to make it sound easy but I know how difficult these experiences can be, I was there when I was your age and got chewed up good a few times, as one does. Should this relationship end, I hope your landing ain't too rough.

And the kicker - you can do whatever the hell you want to. Strap 'em back on and don't feel compelled to give a gift to (or to meet) someone who just broke up with you. Should things being going south, don't do it. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but you are not obligated to get shredded.
posted by asparagus_berlin at 1:01 AM on December 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

Everything you say in the first few sentences of your opening paragraph paints a pretty bleak picture. To be 24 and to have already had a eight year relationship? That's pretty intense! Hell yeah she needs some space. This whole thing sounds doomed from the start.

It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on everything except one point: YOU'RE BROKEN UP. (That's what the "I need space" language means - it's a nice way of saying, "I'm dumping you, but I'm too chicken shit to put it bluntly."

I mean you're approaching this like it's going to be some type of touch and go "arrangement" when really what needs to happen is a clean, mutual break up.

She's got relationship / "I need to grow" type issues she's working on... neither of you know where your jobs are going to take you, etc, etc, etc... sure you "love" each other - but it doesn't sound like that love is strong enough for you both to drastically change your lives in order to be with each other... so it's time to let it go.

I suspect she is already going down this road of "I'm breaking up with him..." but it sounds like you're a few steps behind in the realization that the relationship is 100% over.

I can't tell you what to do in order to "give her her space." If you pussyfoot around then you're liable to wind up as her doormat (I think you're already are worried about this...)

I tend to burn my bridges for all but the most exceptional girlfriends and I don't advise it for everyone. But you could begin getting her out of your system by boxing up every little piece of crap that reminds you of her (you don't have to throw it away, just get it out of sight for a while.) You may want to limit what I call your "contact exposure" to her as well - that means deleting her from your various contact lists, online chat programs, cell phone, etc... this will reduce the urge to text, chat, email, or call her.

I'm not saying you can't be friends with her, call each other every now and then, send Christmas cards or whatever... but the writing is on the wall that the romance can't continue.

>>It was my idea and backing out of it isn't an option.

Bullshit. Why can't you back out of it? Is it because you've already bought her gift? That's nonsense, get a refund or regift or better yet, just mail it to her. I can't imagine anything other than abject denial that would cause you to think that you can't back out of this hackneyed gift swap you've arranged with her.

I advise you against meeting with her because in this state you're going to go all whiny and beg her to still maintain some sort of commitment to you. Don't do it. It's not fair for either of you.
posted by wfrgms at 1:20 AM on December 22, 2006

I agree with asparagus_berlin. The situation you find yourself in right now won't fulfill your relationship needs. Figure out what your needs are, and ask for them.

If your current partner can't or won't or isn't ready to play fair (and, to be clear, "let's break up, er, I love you, er, I need space" isn't fair), then let her know what she's doing: she's pushing you away, and throwing away a good thing. When you lay it out like that, and follow it with what you need/want in a relationship, she may still feel the need to break it off, but she'll respect you for knowing yourself and for having the self respect and presence of mind to take care of yourself.

If it seems like it is time to break it off, make a clean break and don't see each other again until it stops being painful. There are few obligations that don't evaporate due to breakup.

Best of luck, this stuff ain't easy.
posted by nadise at 1:34 AM on December 22, 2006

Yeah, she dumped you. Sorry.
posted by unSane at 3:57 AM on December 22, 2006

Yeah, I've been through this, even the two-hour drive and duration of relationship. It went a little differently: we had that talk, then within a week were back together. I was a little younger, but heard the same things.
We kept trying to make it work, but things got really hard while she was in another country. I went to visit her, things seemed fine, then we got a little distant, then she's calling to say that she just slept with some Dutch tourist and wants to apologize.
At the time, I went through the bargaining, anger and denial stages, with the attendent "We can work through this!"

Well, except we didn't. And I was a bit pathetic, and despondant, but one thing I'll say for distance is that it makes breaking up so much easier. (Though it did mean that I never got back a bunch of my albums, but I got her two-volume OED, which is a fair trade).

So yeah, my advice? Don't burn your bridges, but don't be all that concerned with her right now. Sometimes things don't work out, and maybe later y'all will get back together. But I took it as an opportunity to go out with a girl that I knew had a crush on me, and then within a couple of weeks met an even better girl who I'm still with four years later. She's a lot like the girl that said those same things you're hearing now, only she's better in many ways and I'm much happier. So take this one as a trial run that didn't work out. You don't have to marry everyone you fall in love with, and it's better to get out now while the memories are good.
posted by klangklangston at 4:38 AM on December 22, 2006

She's breaking up with you, but she is not ready to lose you. The best thing you can do is move on and find someone new.
posted by milarepa at 4:46 AM on December 22, 2006

My feelings when it come to relationships: either it's on, or it it's off. The moment is switches from "on" to "off" you should save yourself. Or else you'll get dragged through the mud of this awkward kinda-sorta thing. And you deserve way better than that.
posted by saffron at 5:12 AM on December 22, 2006

Once, when I was pitiful, after a drawn-out ending of a crazy relationship, I bought a dozen roses on my way to the small restaurant where I was to meet my buddy for coffee. I walked aroud the restaurant and gave a rose to each woman and girl in the restaurant. I got some odd looks from some of the younger fellas sitting next to their girls, but I didn't say a word and just passed the flowers out. When I sat down next to my buddy I let out a huge sigh, lit a cigarete and realized that a screwy situation sometimes calls for an odd way to release the emotional knot. Of course, I wasn't instantaneously released from the crushing reality of my heartbreak, but it helped me to make real a new perspective, a next step in emotional growth.

(That or I'm just messed up in the head)

Take Care.
posted by iurodivii at 5:30 AM on December 22, 2006 [3 favorites]

this girl is just very insecure with herself and she's taking you for a ride. she's already dumping you but doesn't want to lose you because she doesn't know what its like to be outside of a relationship and, above all, she doesn't know how to live her own life from within a relationship.

you seem like you know what you want and she doesn't. this isn't a timing issue more as its a self esteem issue. i doubt you're going to be able to get what you want out of this relationship - you want to be with this girl and she's being wishy washy. just keep focusing on what you want (its okay to be selfish) and decide if you really want this girl. if you don't mind the heart break, the emotional mind games, the drama, and the miserableness of being far away from her, and you feel - no - if you know that you are capable of handling the mind fucks, then there are ways to deal with this girl such as never place yourself in the friend category, when she starts talking about other guys you stop her, etc etc. but it'll be a very emotionally draining experience and probably something you don't want to do.

the best advice was already mentioned - i'd suggest burning your bridges. stay in contact, keep her myspace page or whatever, but don't look at it. don't try the buddy thing, just be friendly when you randomly stumble onto her, and keep your distance. if she tries to buddy up with you, push her away and tell her its because you want to be her boyfriend, not her friend. if she wants space, give it to her. and while she has space, go ahead and live your life. find new girls, take up hang glinding, do things you've always wanted to do but haven't yet. if she really cares for you, she'll come back. but if she doesn't come back, you'll have set yourself up to find someone else and you'll have a few cool hobbies to brag to your friends with.
posted by Stynxno at 6:28 AM on December 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

Sorry, friend. You're on the receiving end of a break up by a coward.

If you think it'll make you feel better, come right out and tell her, "Look, girlie, I'm looking for a real, 'grown-up' relationship. If you're not into such things, I don't think we need to hang around any more. At all." Either she'll realize her mistake (sorry, not likely), or she'll see that it's a way out of the relationship once and for all, and she'll sound absolutely contrite when she apologizes for not being all that you want her to be.
posted by Merdryn at 7:09 AM on December 22, 2006

She's breaking up with you, but she is not ready to lose you. The best thing you can do is move on and find someone new.

That is most definitely what's going on — and it's a selfish act on her part, to boot.

This is like a small death. You're losing someone you cared about from your life. But acknowledge that the death happened, or you're going to find yourself in some unhealthy places. It's appropriate to then mourn, but progress onwards with your life.
posted by WCityMike at 7:16 AM on December 22, 2006

I agree with the general consensus of this thread that it's indeed a breakup; in January, you need to tell her what you told us, how you think the future's no reason to stop living in the present and that it's torture being in love with someone who's not willing to commit to you and that she can either embrace what you have or let it go.

If she lets it go, let her go and let her miss the hell out of you.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 7:17 AM on December 22, 2006

Agreed that this is such a selfish way to break up with someone. Been there, done that, and in hindsight, I wish it had just been a clean break instead of a long, drawn out "I still care about you but for reason x, we probably shouldn't be together" and a constant on/off thing. Your (ex)girlfriend is a wimp, and continuing any sort of relationship with her will only serve to hurt you more in the end. I'm sorry, people suck.
posted by echo0720 at 7:36 AM on December 22, 2006

Let her go. Don't wait around for her. Find somebody who has already found out who they are.
posted by flabdablet at 7:49 AM on December 22, 2006

it's over. that's a girl's way of 'letting you down easy'. she is almost certainly breaking up with you.

don't delude yourself; let go and move on. once you're ready there are ways to do this quickly and easily, but it is always painful getting to that point.
posted by jjsonp at 8:47 AM on December 22, 2006

I can only echo what has already been said.

It is ALREADY over. Your choice is to (metaphorically) either shoot the relationship in the head and end the suffering, or let it die a cruel, needlessly suffering death.

It is fantastic that you are able to identify the fact that she could take advantage of you. Don't let her.

She may be a great person; noone here is passing judgement on her. Maybe she sees the writing on the wall, and is trying to do the right thing by both of you. Don't assume any malice on her part.

Sometimes two great people are just not great together. Que sera sera.

She has told you goodbye, but she's still hanging on to the safety rope as she jumps off the bridge. You owe her no duty to assure her a safe landing.

Live, learn, love, lose, long. But then get back to the business of your life.

Best of luck to you friend. This is never easy nor pleasant. But there's no reason to make yourself miserable.

It's over.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:36 AM on December 22, 2006

Just a little note, and something I think you need to think about:

"She knows her personal growth has to be the most important thing to her right now, and she can't grow as a person if her happiness is entirely dependent on someone else."

This is an utterly specious argument. People can experience personal growth while inside a relationship. Codependancy is to be avoided, and a person's happiness should never be "entirely dependant on someone else," but it's silly to think that growth stops when you fall in love. I'm 27, and I've been with the same person for three years, and plan to be with her for the rest of my life; do you think that that means that I'm frozen in a time-warp and can't grow beyond the age of 24?

A lot of people would say that she's "afraid of commitment," but reading your comment, it's easy to see that you're more careful and quick to care for her than that. I think you see that she feels trapped into something, and feels as though, by being with you, she's depriving herself of something that's precious. She's doing that on the basis of a vague feeling, though; she can't say what it is beyond "personal growth."

Now, it sounds like you've got some decision-making to do. So sit down and think about it, listen to your favorite loud music, drive around, or do whatever it is you do to get in touch with your own positions, and decide:

(1) Do I really love her? If you don't, then this isn't easy, but at least you know what to do. Stop talking to her. I'm sure you can find reason to be angry at her; let the anger guide you.

(2) If you do love her, then what are you willing to do to be with her? And what should you do to be with her? A hint: this probably means quitting your job. And, though that's a tough one, she's right, in a certain way: if you're not willing to leave that behind, then you two probably shouldn't be together.

People have said that she's dumping you; well, yeah, she is. That means very, very little, especially since she seems confused about relationships and conflicted about the one she's in. If you're in love with her, and if you're certain that your being with her is going to be good for the both of you, then do what you have to do to make that happen.

Be careful not to trap her. Don't force her to make promises to you, or to say things she isn't prepared to say. If you have to, allow her the "space" that she's demanding. But do remind her that being with you is not and was never a commitment to lifelong servitude or suffering, and that you want to be her partner, not her master or her prison. Tell her that you'd quit your job to be with her. Tell her that you love her, and that because you love her, you don't want her to end something that's good for both of you for the wrong reason.

In other words: if your relationship is worth fighting for, fight for it. It's not popular advice nowadays, but it's the right thing to do.

And, of course, this is up to you. The hardest part: if it's not worth it, you probably shouldn't do it.
posted by koeselitz at 10:23 AM on December 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

I see two possibilities here. 1) She really, really wants to be with you but is freaked out because of past relationships. Hence, her actions are an excuse to mask her fear. 2) She's trying to find an easy, less-hurtful way to break up a relationship she clearly doesn't want.

If it's option 1, you should give her enough space to realize what she's missing out on when she's not around you. If it's option 2, well, you're screwed, sorry. If you want any chance of getting her back, you're going to need to back off and have zero to little contact with her. Let her miss you. If it's really option 1, she might come around in this way. But you have no chance of making it work while you're accommodating her in every way and leaving your spine at the door.

I suspect that a year from now, you'll look back at this post and wonder what you ever saw in this girl. It looks like she's yanking your chain and just letting you down nicely. But it's impossible to have that perspective now, as you're in the thick of it. Good luck sir.
posted by Happydaz at 10:32 AM on December 22, 2006

You've just been broken up with. It's over. Move on.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:40 AM on December 22, 2006

Think of her like a bird right now. Flighty, nervous, whatever, its clear she wants to fly.

You have two choices.

Hold on tight, and first chance she gets she's gonna bolt and that will be the end.

Let her go, watch her fly away. If she comes back, you'll know. If she doesn't, you'll know. But you'll be in a lot better shape than you would be with choice one.

"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go -- and then do it." - Landers
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:04 PM on December 22, 2006

She's been in a relationship almost constantly since she was 15, and now she's approaching her mid-20s. It's no surprise that she should want some freedom. People change a lot in those years and for me that self-discovery had to happen when I was on my own.

I agree that you should accept and look at this as permanent, and that you should take as much time as you need away from her if you're still wanting her. That means not getting together or talking any time soon. Most of the time continuing to talk and hang out just prolongs the pain of a breakup.
posted by loiseau at 12:10 PM on December 22, 2006

iurodivii, you're fantastic. That's one of the coolest stories I've ever read. Poster, let her go. Like some of the above people have said, if she comes back, it was meant to be. If not, c'est la vi. There are other fish...
posted by Bageena at 1:23 PM on December 22, 2006

Here's what to do if someone drops the "space" bomb: Move to Pluto.

Seriously: pretend she's dead. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT FOR ANY FUCKING REASON. NO NO NO NO NO. No gift giving in January. NOTHING.

Anyone who wants space wants to be rid of you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go cold turkey on the person. At best, the ex realizes she misses you once you're 100% out of her life (and she needs to feel that you're utterly gone in order to miss you, if she is going to miss you), and at worst, you get the hell over someone who doesn't want to be with you, even if she claims to love you.

Believe me, I have been happier post-dumping by going cold turkey than I ever was leading myself on with hope and hanging around the ex begging for scraps.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:03 PM on December 22, 2006

Chicks are bad at making a clean break when it comes to relationships they no longer desire. I'm sorry, but she doesn't want to be with you any longer. No ifs ands or buts - she broke up with you.

Don't worry about forgetting her, it will be several weeks before you are emotionally ready to even consider letting her go. But getting to that point will be a lot less painful if you face the facts.

She ain't your girlfriend, and she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. It's time to move on. :(
posted by parallax7d at 8:33 PM on December 22, 2006

:(

I'm sorry, man! But "I need space" and all its variants are what you say when you want to dump someone, but you want to hurt them as little as possible in the process because they're not a huge jerk and/or you really do care for them-- just not enough to stick with the relationship.

It's really hard to walk away from someone you're still in love with, but you have to do it cold turkey for your own sanity. Maybe sometime in the future you can be friends, but right now, you have to walk away.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 11:23 PM on December 22, 2006

n+1 let her go. Also, when she's gone and you find someone else who's bonkers about you and wouldn't even consider saying something like 'youre keeping me from growing as a person', try not to feel a misguided sense of loyalty to this one.
posted by softlord at 9:42 AM on December 23, 2006

Yes, she has dumped you. Or she wants to dump you but can't work up the nerve. Trying to continue the relationship will only be painful.
posted by delmoi at 9:01 PM on December 23, 2006

Dump her. Don't give her her cake and let her eat it too.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:56 AM on December 27, 2006