My refrigerator runneth over

December 20, 2006 11:22 AM

EtiquetteFilter: I had surgery last week and my lovely, sweet friends have signed up to bring a home cooked meal each night until the 29th of December. How do I get them to stop?

I don't want to appear ungracious. I really do appreciate their kindness. The food has been great, but I am completely fine and I no longer need help with preparing meals. I am up walking, doing some light cleaning, living my life pretty much as normal. Besides, my husband is here and he works limited hours, so I am not without help.

Each night has been a different friend. With the remaining friends that haven't visited, is there a way I could say thanks, but no thanks? Or would that be rude to do so? A few friends have commented that bringing something is a way for them to feel better. I feel guilty though. I have a hard time accepting gifts or favors. I could understand if I were bedridden, but I am not.

It's Christmastime, it's hectic for all, and I don't want to burden my friends that already have a million things to do.

Is there a way for me to politely insist that I don't need help? I have already called one of my friends and left a message on her answering machine explaining that I am fine, please don't go through the trouble. I don't know if that was the most appropriate thing to do. Thoughts and advice appreciated.

posted by LoriFLA to human relations (34 comments total)

Consider "letting them be nice" as your gift to them.
posted by occhiblu at 11:23 AM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm with occhiblu: just ride it on through.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 11:27 AM on December 20, 2006

Say that partly through their generosity and support you have had a remarkable recovery, and ask them to donate the meals to a local shelter instead.
posted by arco at 11:28 AM on December 20, 2006

I don't think you are "burdening" your friends if they are offering! They want to do this even though they know you are holding your own and even though it's the holiday season. Let them do this for you. Let this be a growth experience for you - as in accepting kindness from others.
posted by Sassyfras at 11:29 AM on December 20, 2006

Yeah, I agree you should just accept the food. Only nine more days.
posted by delmoi at 11:29 AM on December 20, 2006

Or ask them to get together to have one big meal for all involved, with each of them bringing a dish to share.
posted by arco at 11:29 AM on December 20, 2006

Wow, what nice friends. Is it possible to tell them that although you're home recuperating, you're feeling much better, getting bored, and finding cooking for you and your husband to be a lovely diversion? That might make it clear that not only do you no longer need them to bring by dinner, but that you enjoy cooking and appreciate the opportunity to do more of it while you have some free time. Whether or not that's strictly true is irrelevant; they'll never know.
posted by amro at 11:29 AM on December 20, 2006

If one of the friends should happen to phone saying, "Oh, heavens, Lori, I completely forgot about cooking your meal tonight..." then you can cut her off and say, "That's all right, dear, actually I'm feeling much better and to tell the truth I've been feeling a little homesick for my kitchen."

Otherwise, let them deliver the food, thank them profusely, and enjoy the tuna casserole.
posted by La Cieca at 11:31 AM on December 20, 2006

Continue to accept it.

After the Holidays are over, invite them all over to your house to dinner. Either insist they brign nothing or at most small plates/desserts. Do most of the cooking yourself.

My point is that they do feel good about doing this and you should let them. But also, plan to reciprocate as a way of appreciation and as a closer gift-exhange type tie to your friends.
posted by vacapinta at 11:34 AM on December 20, 2006

These people love you - let them do something nice for you. Offering a kindness and having it rebuffed always stings, so be careful.

You may, however, be able to modify some of your evenings - you may recommend that, instead of coming over and making dinner, you would love it if your friend came over (especially the friend on whose machine you left a message) and had a drink with you, or watched a movie, or played scrabble, or something like that. Let them come though.
posted by Mister_A at 11:34 AM on December 20, 2006

My wife always tells me that I must allow people I know the opportunity to be charitable. I would feel as you do, and want to ask them to stop, but you really should ride it out and give them a chance to do a good deed.
posted by genefinder at 11:41 AM on December 20, 2006

Freeze the meals and eat them when you don't actually feel like cooking.
posted by solid-one-love at 11:45 AM on December 20, 2006

I don't see the harm in letting them take care of you, since it's such a beautiful thing to do.

But it does make some sense to spare them the trouble, especially at this time of year. I think I'd be okay with being turned away if you really convinced me that you were back on your feet, and communicated that you appreciated what I was willing to do. A thank-you card or small gift would be nice.
posted by chickletworks at 12:08 PM on December 20, 2006

I have a hard time accepting gifts or favors.

Consider this your opportunity to work on that failing. It is very nice of your friends to do this, it makes them feel good, and you will accomplish nothing by forcing them to stop except turning off that nagging sense of guilt at accepting favors. What you want to do is turn off that sense of guilt, period. There is nothing wrong with letting people do things for you; in fact, it's a good thing. Practice saying "Thanks!" and really feeling grateful. You'll like the results.
posted by languagehat at 12:30 PM on December 20, 2006

Your friends are so nice! What a sweet thing for them to do. The fact that it's the holidays probably makes it feel even *better* for them to be doing this - the holidays seem to bring out the do-gooder in most everyone (except me, because I'm a grinch, but oh well). They are probably enjoying it - and let's face it, making a single meal for a friend you'd been worried about isn't the most unpleasant way to spend a couple of hours.

I don't know you at all - but I do know that a lot of people don't let themselves rest enough when they are recovering. Maybe your friends are doing this because they are afraid of you pushing yourself too hard?
posted by tastybrains at 12:33 PM on December 20, 2006

You could also think of it this way: They're going to be worried about you no matter what you say, because they're good friends and surgery is a big scary thing. So they can be worried and do something about it -- making dinner for you -- which will help them feel less worried. Or they can be worried and forced to do nothing about it, which will make them feel worried as well as helpless to do anything about it.

So your telling them not to do anything will actually likely make them feel worse.
posted by occhiblu at 12:53 PM on December 20, 2006

Expanding on arco's comment, I suggest that you do the following:

(1) Say that partly through their generosity and support you have had a remarkable recovery.

(2) Throw a pot-luck party at your house for all of the friends that have offered to help you out. The ones that have not yet prepared meals can do the cooking, and the rest of you can do the eating!

As an aside: I don't see how LoriFLA's desire to feed herself can be considered a "failing" in this case. While it is extraordinarily generous of her friends to do this for her, its not her responsibility to accept help that is no longer needed. Throwing a party seems like a great compromise to me - it allows her to thank her friends publicly for their generosity and to celebrate her recovery, rather than continue the charade that she needs help when in fact she doesn't.
posted by googly at 12:53 PM on December 20, 2006

People often overreact to surgery, no matter how minor. ("They drilled open a bone? That must've hurt!" "Well, it wasn't so bad. Actually, most of the pain afterwards was from lying in a funny position while I was under, not from the surgery itself.") It's not too much longer, so let 'em do it. One thing I've learned is that saying you're fine may actually prolong things, as people decide that you must just be acting brave.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 12:55 PM on December 20, 2006

Also, consider yourself lucky that this is what they're doing: bringing you wonderful meals. When I injured myself, I had problems with people insisting on doing things for me that I really could do myself, and then doing them so poorly that it was no help at all.

Still, if you're really uncomfortable and really want it to stop, I'd call everybody, ask to cancel the remaining meals, and invite everybody over on the 29th for a big thank-you dinner. There will be jokes about people who were "off the hook" because they signed up for later dates, but that'll be okay.
posted by JanetLand at 12:56 PM on December 20, 2006

I don't see how LoriFLA's desire to feed herself can be considered a "failing" in this case.

I wasn't talking about this case. See where I quoted her saying "I have a hard time accepting gifts or favors"? That means it's not just about this case, it's a general thing, and I suspect she agrees with me (since she mentioned it) that it's a bug, not a feature. And I think this is an excellent opportunity to work on it, since saying (in essence) "I don't need your help, you can go away now" is kind of grinchy.
posted by languagehat at 1:04 PM on December 20, 2006

I say let them cook, accept the food graciously and eat it or freeze it for later. I also get uneasy about accepting charity, but this is more about the action of helping (even if it's not really needed) than about the food itself.

They know you had surgery, they want to help, but they don't necessarily know of any better way to go about it, the result being cooked meals!
posted by tomble at 1:08 PM on December 20, 2006

[Derail]
I wasn't just responding only to you languagehat. While I do recognize that she admits having a hard time accepting gifts, I am just saying that she doesn't have a responsibility to make her friends feel good in this case. I think its a bit incongruous that people are advising her to put her friends' possible hurt feelings and desire to feel useful above her own wishes right now. If I were her friend, I'd want to do what's best for Lori - including not coming over to prepare her a meal if thats what she wanted . I've been asked not to visit people who are sick, and had to respect that. Who knows - maybe its too much energy to entertain someone who is coming over to visit or prepare a meal for her. There's a difference between learning how to graciously accept a gift, and feeling unnecessarily guilty about refusing a favor that isn't needed.

My point here is that if her friends are truly trying to help her out, then that should include respecting Lori's (who, after all, is the one recovering from surgery) decision not to need any more help.
[/Derail]
posted by googly at 1:20 PM on December 20, 2006

The polite response when somebody brings you food or drink that's too much or not especially good is to invite them to share the gift with you. Eat a little bit, then sit back and explain that your stuffed and let them enjoy their own cfood and everybody's happy.
posted by nixerman at 1:35 PM on December 20, 2006

They've probably had a lot of fun conspiring to do this for you. They'll feel hurt if you try to stop them. Besides, although you aren't bed-ridden, you're probably still a little less energetic than usual, and not having to cook will help you save your energy for the other things you have to do.
posted by textilephile at 1:43 PM on December 20, 2006

It doesn't sound like they're coming over and making the meal there, googly, in which case I might agree it could easily get intrusive. From what LoriFLA wrote, it sounds like they're bringing prepared meals over and dropping them off, which is hardly a huge imposition.
posted by occhiblu at 1:46 PM on December 20, 2006

What nice friends you have; clearly, you are a person deserving of great friendship. Bask in the warmth. Use some of the time saved to write extravagant thank you notes.
posted by theora55 at 3:01 PM on December 20, 2006

Thanks so much all. I will accept the meals graciously. I think I have a twinge of feeling unworthy coupled with guilt that people are going out of their way for me. I need to relax and be grateful for my friends. I do love the idea of saying I and bored and miss my kitchen and cooking. Honestly it may be hard for me not to use that one.

My friend that I called today on the answering machine is sending a restaurant gift certificate! with another friend of Friday because her car is in the shop. My first thought was why is she sending a gift certificate? That is too much. I have feelings of guilt and uneasiness, and I think I go overboard with the thanks and explanations that I am fine.

Again, thank you all very much for the great advice. I have been sending thank you notes, and I think I will have everyone over for a New Years lunch.

I do need to work on accepting help and the kindness of others. Why am I always revealing my neuroses on Metafilter? ;-)
posted by LoriFLA at 3:02 PM on December 20, 2006

You have incredible friends. Treasure them.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:15 PM on December 20, 2006

Hey, one more suggestion - is there an elderly or disabled person in your neighborhood that you could then re-gift the food to after the person leaves? Perhaps a working mother next door? A bachelor?
posted by forensicphd at 3:15 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

forensicphd, that is a fabulous idea. I have been sharing with my sister, who is a newly divorced mother that doesn't like to cook.
posted by LoriFLA at 3:37 PM on December 20, 2006

Personally, I would feel weird telling them that I was re-gifting, or even freezing the food. And I would feel similarly weird freezing the food, but those are both good ideas.

I agree with previous suggestions to let them continue to bring the food. My suggestion would be to treat it as several consecutive nights of having friends over for dinner. Are they bringing a complete meal? When they came over I would make up some side dishes and dessert (if I liked cooking). Maybe even watch some movies or play board/card games with these friends. Anything to enjoy the time spent with them and to make it enjoyable for everyone. Once they are there, they will quickly see that you are far from bed-ridden and helpless, but they won't feel bad for having assumed you would be.
posted by philomathoholic at 12:36 AM on December 21, 2006

I would feel weird telling them that I was re-gifting

You don't tell them you're re-gifting; you just do it. Miss Manners has been very clear on this point: one does not ask around about gifts one has given.
posted by mediareport at 8:10 AM on December 21, 2006

seconding, thirding, nth-ing the idea to just have a large potluck over at your place. Exactly what philomathoholic has said ("far from bed-ridden and helpless"). Plus this way, everyone can benefit from the remaining friends' cooking
posted by mittenedsex at 5:20 PM on December 23, 2006

send the meals to me. Seriously, let them do what they want. They love you.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:57 AM on December 27, 2006