How can I start being a source of inspiration rather than envy?

December 14, 2006 5:20 AM

How can I start being a source of inspiration rather than envy?

Over the years, with increasing frequency, people have told me that they envy me. When I was younger I used to thrive on this, that I was living a life that others envied. But now, as I focus more on living the life that makes me most happy and fulfilled, I'd rather be in inspiration to people, so they can also be happier.

I've always been willing to talk with people who want to know how I made my life this way, offered encouragement, support, and occasionally mentoring, but with very little success. It often ends with people saying something along the lines of "Well you're luckier than I am" (Which I completely disagree and think is an excuse for not trying) or complaining that I can't relate to them.

The last criticism might be valid. I'm what could be called a "self made" person. I have had a lot of business success have used that to give myself a large amount of freedom and pursue what interest me. Recently I've been traveling the world, exploring my interests, expanding my knowledge. This has really gotten people's envy up. However I try not to be condescending. I don't consider myself especially skilled, I funked out of college. And while I haven't had a "real" job for about 15 years, I have had a "normal" life a pretty messy history of hard knocks, and stupid decisions before that.

At any rate, I tend to drive people away eventually. It seems like if people were really that interested in a lifestyle like mine, I should be drawing them. But I'm not even totally sure what I'm doing to drive people away. Though it's possible that my "lavish" lifestyle makes people uneasy, and my constant encouragement that people work to improve their lives could be considered nagging.

posted by Ookseer to human relations (76 comments total)

It often ends with people saying something along the lines of "Well you're luckier than I am" (Which I completely disagree and think is an excuse for not trying) ......

Some humility might go a long way.
posted by availablelight at 5:26 AM on December 14, 2006

For what it's worth, I don't look to people I know as sources of inspiration. And if one of my friends started aspiring to be my source of inspiration, they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

You might find this hard to believe, and I mean it in the kindest possible way, but from the tone of your post, I don't envy you at all.
posted by dydecker at 5:26 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

You're just hanging out with the wrong crowd - move to Hollywood ;-)

My wife often says that she 'envies' someone - but I've learned that this means the same thing as despise. Mainly it's about the whole 'holier-than-thou' attitude some people have which really grates.

It's quite funny in the local neighborhood - I've had people tell me to my face that I'm crazy for spending money to do some home/yard improvement - then they turn around jet to Vegas for the weekend and drop 5 grand.

I don't envy them, and I doubt they'd envy me - but they are so self-absorbed, they simply cannot see the other side of the coin.

You want to be a source of inspiration? Then lead by example and shut-up about it - until asked. People most often do not want unsolicited advice. How about actual, active 'listening' to THEIR feelings, THEIR problems, THEIR idea's?
posted by jkaczor at 5:39 AM on December 14, 2006

You may be flaunting your success and lifestyle which would certainly put people off. Don't call attention to it. If someone asks you about your success, play it down and say "I worked hard but also got lucky. And you know what, that's probably the truth. I don't doubt that you worked hard but you even admit that you're not really skilled so there had to be an element of good luck in your success.

In other words, try to be a bit more humble.
posted by gfrobe at 5:44 AM on December 14, 2006

my constant encouragement that people work to improve their lives could be considered nagging

Bingo.

When people say they envy you, they don't want advice on how to become like you. They want you to reassure them about their own lives and how it's not all sunshine and rainbows in your life either. Unsolicited advice and using yourself as an example of what to strive towards is not the way to go.
posted by slimepuppy at 5:51 AM on December 14, 2006

Heh, I was going to put a disclaimer about the anticipated "fuck you, you arrogant asshole" posters shouldn't waste their time. But then I thought "This is MeFi, these people are generally thoughtful."

Oh well.

Glad I can get personally insulted by people who have never met me.
posted by Ookseer at 5:54 AM on December 14, 2006

Nobody is insulting you; they're letting you know what you need to do to solve your problem. Your attitude in-thread will do nothing to disuade them.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:59 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

No one has personally insulted you in this thread.
posted by dydecker at 6:00 AM on December 14, 2006

The term "source of inspiration" is a little ambiguous. It can mean "role model" - i.e. somebody that people will want to copy or it can mean "mentor" - i.e. somebody who gives others inspiring advice. I am not sure which one you mean here.

I think you might want to ask "what sort of people to a I want for friends?". If you choose to surround yourself with a circle of other high achievers then you will solve the problem of people envying you. If you want to reach out to influence others to duplicate your success, on the other hand, then it may be best to start talking to those who are maybe younger and have the opportunity to do so.

Your post makes it sound a little bit like you may be trying to boost your own ego rather than help others when you tell them about your success.
posted by rongorongo at 6:01 AM on December 14, 2006

Please refer to the 'first' comment again.

Generally when asking for some form of personal advise - a little humility is in order - IF YOU HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING?

So ego/self-centric that you have to validate your awesomeness in yet another location?

Personally, I thought Mayor Curley's answer was snarky - but funny.
posted by jkaczor at 6:03 AM on December 14, 2006

Sometimes the display of wealth doesn't give people inspiration, it just makes them envious. Maybe people are put off by things you do that take more money than they have? Or maybe it is extra time you have available or maybe less burdens from family, jobs, etc?

The only way to inspire people is to try to hide the importance of some of these things. (Unless that is what they strive for?) Look for the inspirational elements you have that don't rely on things people don't have and try to lead them down that path. For example if others seek to follow your business successes, try to give them an example that doesn't require them to leave their families on a 3-month jaunt through all the provinces of China and meeting with every city leader. Distill your path into elements that your friends can actually use.
posted by JJ86 at 6:06 AM on December 14, 2006

my constant encouragement that people work to improve their lives could be considered nagging.

This is one of the things I've learned recently: You can't make people want to improve their lives by telling them they should. They have to develop that desire themselves. And you being you, uncompromising and successful, can in and of itself be intimidating to people who know they should be trying harder in life, but who for whatever reason can't bring themselves to/don't actually want to/etc. You offend their sensibilities with all your "progress now!" urgings.

You may have what you consider to be their best interests in mind—i.e. you may see that these friends of yours have all this God-given (or however-derived) potential that they could put to use in this, that, or the other way. But people have different kinds of friends. Everyone's got friends who's known them seemingly forever and who can call out bullshit when they see it, including the bullshit that is refusing to make a better life from one's potential—and you may not be that person to these people. You can't force yourself into that role.

Know this: a lot of people are perfectly content to stay in their current station in life as long as they are comfortable—and what's comfortable varies with the individual. Even when friends aren't comfortable, their complaints are often in no way a call for you to step in and suggest ways to improve their lives. Complaints are so often just a chance to be heard—they want you to acknowledge them as a person, hear their complaint, and empathize.

Why can't you put yourself in that "critiquing-allowed" friend role? Why can't you suggest things to your friends? Because for whatever reason—perhaps because your "I never compromised, and I totally overcame adversity to get to this point" demeanor is off-putting and distancing—you probably come off as judgmental, oh so judgmental when you do this.

I tell you this from experience. Not long ago, I was engaged to a guy my friends now refer to as Superman, because he was awesome. Just plain the best, the smartest, the tallest, the most. But you know what? He had almost zero ability to empathize with my own personal foibles because although I knew he had a lot of pain in his life when growing up, he'd lost the willingness to allow for missteps in life. Everything had to be progress and excellence with him—you could tell that he wanted to distance himself from anything that bespoke weakness. That didn't make for a particularly supportive partner.

Switching gears: In the current incarnation of my life, the fellow I consider a mentor is someone who never graduated from college, who has lived in the area around the university we both attended for the past 15 years, and who has worked a string of odd jobs that has culminated in the ever-lofty position of manager at a bookstore. This man is brilliant. But for whatever reason, he's been an underachiever pretty much all his life. He complains about his current station in life, about his desire to get out of this job and this income bracket and this city. And within weeks of meeting him, it was all a coworker and I could do not to berate him about why the hell he was still here.

I've realized, though, in the ensuing weeks, as people have judged me for my current set of jobs and continually asked me why I'm not making more progress faster, why I'm still in this city, why I'm still working a day job, that no matter how fast you're moving, people are often more concerned with the appearance of success than ensuring that their friends are content with where they are. And they're so concerned with your success often because they don't want to be associated with anything that's not moving forward towards greatness—because they want to be part of the movement forward, and if you're not with them, they're going to leave you behind.

I don't know that you're like this—but I have observed that many people have a need to be recognized for being great, and part of that recognition needs to be this feeling that when they history books celebrate their greatness, they want to be part of a circle of friends, a movement, something that means they were part of something. What are you part of?

Here's a good rule of thumb for dealing with underachieving friends: If they're content—not happy, but just...OKAY with where they are—you've gotta leave it be.

I've also noticed that often, the most inspiring people are those who appear to accept others as they are and who aren't impatient and don't push. You need to work on cultivating some zen and some acceptance. Live your life as it is with your friends as they are. And figure out what you're afraid of—what is it that makes your friends success so important to you?
posted by limeonaire at 6:07 AM on December 14, 2006 [14 favorites]

er, friends'
posted by limeonaire at 6:07 AM on December 14, 2006

1. People are haters.
2. Each person you meet knows at least one thing you don't. If you don't care to find out what it is that a particular person knows that you don't, no loss.
3. Don't be so helpful to others. You might think you are helping, but you are really just reminding them that they don't have to be losers, which makes them haters.
4. I'm sympathetic, because I remember when I use to have the same problem. Then I realized that these words of wisdom are true:

"For every winner, there are dozens of losers.
Chances are, you're one of them."

5. I also realized that the people I wanted to spend time with were either better than me at something, or wanted to be better than me at something.
6. Some people want to watch crap tv, eat junk food, and gripe about life not being fair or other people being lucky. Cut them loose.
7. Why do I even bother numbering these things? Why is it that so many people hate their betters? I never have. I celebrated them, admire them, strive to emulate them.

Jealousy and envy are for the weak. I say again, cut them lose.

Try to inspire those who seek inspiration.
posted by ewkpates at 6:08 AM on December 14, 2006

underachieving friends

Who is 'The Decider'? I mean - by what parameters do we get to separate the 'wheat from the chaff'?

The mentor who manages a bookstore is not successful?

At times, I'd give my right-arm to do that - yet many people consider me extremely successful.

Ookster - sorry for the swearing, but it seems as if you are not listening. Here are a couple more questions for you - are you married? Have kids? To some people, those are more indicative of success than money and a world-travelling lifestyle.

What about volunteering? Have you helped out in either of your two communities you call home? This is also a measure of success.

How much of your money do you give to charity?
posted by jkaczor at 6:16 AM on December 14, 2006

Oh, and the point of the anecdote about my mentor?

I know he wants to get out of this city and this lifestyle, so I've been helping him (it's reciprocal, see) suss out job possibilities. But that said...he's not making much of an effort to leave, and I have to conclude that in some way, he is content to be where he is. While I may rib him about it, I've realized that no one can change his life but him, and I've of necessity learned to step back a bit.

As I've learned from my interactions with him, with my ex-fiancé, and with my own father...you, again, cannot make someone procure a better life for themselves. They have to develop the will and the means on their own. And if they never do that...you have to accept them, and continue to enjoy their friendship and good graces, or—if you can't accept that—simply leave them alone and move on.

Is it frustrating? Well hell yes. But that's what friendship demands of us.
posted by limeonaire at 6:18 AM on December 14, 2006

(Also, a side note: I used to believe that you shouldn't accept your friends as is unless they were working to be the best people they could be. I believed in the lofty ideal that one should hold themselves and their friends up to the highest possible standards available. My favorite author's philosophy set this out as a high principle, and I accepted it.

But now that I've lived a bit more, I'm realizing there are different ways to approach that philosophy. Yes, we should all aspire to be the best people we can—but what does best mean? Is it measured by society, or is it measured by the shortened space between friends who understand each other? We can still be good people and good friends without the trapping of goodness and success. And it doesn't compromise me personally if my friends don't look a certain way or act a certain way.

As I think my favorite author (Richard Bach) would agree, the trappings don't matter a whit. And I think he'd also agree that you have to measure friends by their own standards, not yours. If they're not living up to their personal best, and they let you know that, then you have permission to talk on that level with them about their life's struggle. But if they're not living up to your personal best...you need to keep your damn fool mouth shut.)
posted by limeonaire at 6:25 AM on December 14, 2006

TOTALLY NON-SNARKY ANSWER HERE:

If you want to be an inspiration, you might consider writing a book or doing a lecture series or something. Like Tony Robbins or the like-- then people who want direction will seek you out. Teach an evening course in adult education in a local high school or community college, perhaps.

Unless someone specifically asks what you did to get where you are, don't offer any advice, ever. People naturally get self-protective and defensive around anyone who they feel is better than them in any way-- they're afraid of appearing inferior. (I speak from experience-- though I'm fat, not that good looking, not rich, etc., I can cook, and people, especially women, get really uncomfortable when I cook for them- dinner parties, etc. When I minimize my success - "glad you like it- anything you would change?" or change the subject, everything smoothes out. Especially when I ask what they like to cook, or what their favorite comfort foods are, etc. It shows them that I'm not trying to be in the spotlight, and I value them even if they don't think they can be the cook I am.)

I would suggest doing everything you can to minimize, even hide, how well off you are. Make it a goal that only you know how successful you have been. Make your modus operandi to be a student of people-- ask them questions when you talk to them, just get to know them and offer unconditional acceptance. That puts them at ease and helps them build their confidence. As your friendship progresses, they may eventually ask you questions, at which point you can offer your experience, but in tiny bites. Or they may never ask, but at least now you have a friend you didn't have before.

How do you respond when people tell you they envy you? Consider a minimizer-- "I have my good days and my bad days just like you" or something of that nature.

After re-reading your post, consider that people who are drawn by your lifestyle aren't going to be your friends. Your friends are people who are drawn to your personality and charisma. So, if you're looking for friends, keep the success on the down low. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care, etc. If you're looking for groupies, write a book, teach a class, etc.
posted by orangemiles at 6:28 AM on December 14, 2006 [2 favorites]

my constant encouragement that people work to improve their lives could be considered nagging

This is the only situation in which you get to encourage people to improve their lives: when someone comes up to you and asks "can you give me some advice on how to improve my life?"

Giving that advice unsolicited when you are in a position of power will always make you look like a jerk.
posted by fletchmuy at 6:30 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

If someone mentions that they envy some part of my lifestyle, which is fairly simple, I usually flip it around -- I may have had the money to pay off my car, but they have a beautiful house. I might be unmarried and flexible, but they have a great wife. I might know about a lot of new music and go to concerts, but they're much better versed in classical art.

To me, complimenting and nurturing the strengths in others is the flip side of the coin when it comes to praise. Very few people want to actually be another person -- they just want to be a better version of themselves. Don't mistake one for the other. "Improve" their lives how, exactly?
posted by mikeh at 6:41 AM on December 14, 2006

Could it be that people envy aspects of your life, but don't want to take the steps you have taken because they have other priorities?

I have a couple of financially successful friends who get to travel a lot, have nice clothes, own their own homes, never have to worry about money. I envy them for this. But I don't want to be "inspired" to become like them, and it's not because I'm lazy.

I love my job, I feel passionate about the meaning that it adds to the world. And, yeah, I like the fact that I generally don't have to work more than 40 hours a week, so that I can pursue other hobbies that make me happy and add value to my life. Things like baking bread, reading, sewing. I also love the city I live in, my pets, my family, and my husband. The decisions I make every day place value on these things before I place value on financial success, travel, nice clothes, home ownership.

If I tell one of my financially successful friends that I'm jealous of her lifestyle, I don't want to hear, "Here's how to obtain it, you're just not trying enough." I don't actually want to make the decisions she made to get there. "That's really sweet of you," is enough. "You wouldn't want my life -- then you'd have to give up your own career" would be another good response. So would, "But you've got a career you love, a great husband, you're really doing well."
posted by croutonsupafreak at 6:44 AM on December 14, 2006

Glad we got the snark out of the way early.

I should have put this in the original post, but:
I tried to keep bragging, etc out of my original message. I don't lead conversations with loaded topics on myself, I dress casually, don't own a car, or wear expensive jewelry. In general I deflect questions about money and lifestyle. At least to strangers. Any information I posted above was a sample to give MeFites background to help

In general I don't go on the pulpit and preach, I hate when it's done to me, so I try not to do it. However people often come to me with problems. Or people say things like "I wish I could [whatever], like you have". I take these as an invitations. And yet still these people recede from me, very rarely with any improvements in their lives.

Though clearly the pervading impression is that I'm an arrogant summbitch. I'll consider it.
posted by Ookseer at 6:49 AM on December 14, 2006

I don't consider myself especially skilled

Not inspiring. Many people admire those who have taken the time and effort to be skilled.

I flunked out of college.

Could be inspiring - as you became successful anyways.

And while I haven't had a "real" job for about 15 years, I have had a "normal" life a pretty messy history of hard knocks, and stupid decisions before that.

Sounds like you simply got lucky. Most people are not inspired by the luck of others - but they could easily be envious.

So - did you work hard for your success? How long did it take before you were successful?

Was it a hard battle?

If so - then yes, inspirational.
posted by jkaczor at 6:50 AM on December 14, 2006

Instead of concentrating on how you can inspire people more effectively, concentrate on how you can learn to listen to them more effectively.

When listening to people, try not to immediately draw references to experiences you have had. If a problem they are having immediately invokes a story about when a similar thing happened to you, only worse, and how you valiantly overcame it, and maybe they should try what you did, that may feel to you like you're beign supportive, but you're not.

Inspire people by being a patient listener. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it. If you try waiting for that and discover that they never really do, well then that should tell you plenty.
posted by hermitosis at 6:54 AM on December 14, 2006

To rephrase what I was ruminating on earlier, have you considered what it takes for you to feel fulfilled versus others? This discussion brings to mind Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and issues of esteem.

There are two levels to Esteem needs. The lower of the levels relates to elements like fame, respect, and glory. The higher level is contingent to concepts like confidence, competence, and achievement. The lower level is generally considered poor. It is dependent upon other people, or someone who needs to be reassured because of lower esteem.

This isn't to say you have low esteem. But there are things more important in life than financial success or even the knowledge you get from travel.
posted by mikeh at 7:01 AM on December 14, 2006

Also, it is a common social tactic to express polite conversational jealousy. It is a way of demonstrating appreciation or paying you a compliment, but generally they probably aren't really jealous. As you've pointed out, if most of them really wanted these things, they could get them somehow.

The few who are genuinely desperately (and openly) envious, and whom you wish to inspire, are a threat to you. If they ever reached their potential they'd do everything in their power to outdo. You're a symbol to them, not a friend. Don't waste your time.
posted by hermitosis at 7:06 AM on December 14, 2006

trappings don't matter a whit
Oh yes they do. They do. Stop it. Just stop.

"Improve" their lives how, exactly?
Healthy, wealthy, wise? As a baseline, any of these would be good.

by what parameters do we get to separate the 'wheat from the chaff'?
If you don't know, then you are chaff.

[if they're] OKAY with where they are—you've gotta leave it be.
Because friends let friends mire themselves in mediocrity. That's what friends are for.

hide how well off you are...
We'd all be better off if we'd just lie to make others feel better.

But there are things more important in life than financial success or even the knowledge you get from travel.
I'll tell you what they are later. (Having a dog.)

Wow. Worst. Advice. Ever.
posted by ewkpates at 7:34 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

Unless someone specifically asks what you did to get where you are, don't offer any advice, ever.

Bingo. Repeat this to yourself until it's second nature.

Though clearly the pervading impression is that I'm an arrogant summbitch. I'll consider it.

You do come across that way, but it's clear you don't mean to. It's just... look, most people at MeFi are not "successful" in the way you are and don't particularly admire those who are. In the wide world out there, there are millions—hell, billions—who do admire your kind of success and would love to emulate it; they're the people who buy all those copies of Dale Carnegie and the other "how to succeed" authors. Most of them, of course, do no more than read (or skim) the books and never actually change their lives, but I guess the books give them hope or something. Anyway, what I'm getting at is: you might consider taking the advice above to "write a book." If it does well, you'll feel like you've shared your wisdom successfully, and you'll have gotten it out of your system. Trying to share your wisdom on a person-to-person basis has the downside you've discovered: it's not very effective, and people tend to dislike you for it. Let the medium suit the message.

And don't take the snark here to heart—it's not about you, it's about how your question (and your first response) sounded, and it should be valuable feedback in terms of how you present yourself.
posted by languagehat at 7:36 AM on December 14, 2006

There are two major potential problems that I see:

The first is other people. A lot of people have trouble being around people who are more financially succesful than they are, no matter how polite that person is. They just can't deal with people who can spend their annual salary on a vacation.

These people can't be your friends until they get over their own problems, so fuck 'em.

The second is you. You have to be sensitive to financial gaps, and make sure you don't portray your life as being better than theirs.

If you offer them unsolicited advice, you are implying that you are better than them, that their lives are worse than yours, etc. They probably don't see it that way.

Even if you are financially set, consider what you do with your time. If you just travel and go to the spa, expect a lot of dislike/envy.

Everyone wants to be rich, but nobody likes Paris Hilton.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 7:37 AM on December 14, 2006

If things are working as they should, you'll naturally find yourself amoung your peers. Half of your friends will have somewhat more of whatever it is than you do, and half somewhat less.

If that's not where you are, why not? Are you unable or unwilling to be at that level? How do you feel about those with more than you? Do you seek their inspiration? Do you avoid them?
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:40 AM on December 14, 2006

>I say again, cut them lose.

Really? Because, next you say:

Because friends let friends mire themselves in mediocrity. That's what friends are for.

If you don't know, then you are chaff.

So lets hear about where you are today and how you got there? I would agree with your 'healthy, wealthy and wise' statement - except for one who classifies everyone as 'haters' and then personifies the statement you don't come across as particularly 'wise'.
posted by jkaczor at 7:45 AM on December 14, 2006

I am going to try to put this as nicely as possible: you don't sound very pleasant to be around. For example, this:

I'd rather be in inspiration to people, so they can also be happier.

Do you realize how pompous, arrogant, and condescending this sounds? This sort of attitude is what drives people away. Combine this with the fact that you are misinterpreting common conversational politeness (e.g. "I wish I could ____, like you") as a request for advice, and it's clear that you need to do some serious work on your social skills. Do that, and people will probably like you better.
posted by myeviltwin at 7:46 AM on December 14, 2006

If things are working as they should, you'll naturally find yourself amoung your peers. Half of your friends will have somewhat more of whatever it is than you do, and half somewhat less.

I don't think this is true. This assumes that you socialize almost exclusively with people who work at your level.

If you enjoy a lot of things that aren't income specific, and you are in the top 1%, you are likely to end up with a majority of friends who have less money than you do.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 7:47 AM on December 14, 2006

jkaczor hit the nail on the head. If your climb to affluence was easy, that isn't very inspirational. If you travel the world to simply travel, that isn't inspirational. Inspirational is someone who has the affluence but continues to climb even higher, to work their a$$ off, to never stop helping others. I would be willing to be that most inspirational lives contain some type of adversity. I am in awe of Bill Gates, but if you know anything about his upbringing and pedigree, his story is far from inspirational.
posted by jasondigitized at 7:48 AM on December 14, 2006

I sometimes get this. However, all the crap in my life isn't worth a damn unless I can share it with other people, friends family and strangers and this is fairly clear. Being generous in word and deed can go a long way to making people's sense of you as different from them (i.e. an envy situation) change to more of a "hey a rising tide lifts all boats!" attitude.

mikeh's approach is my approach. No one is awesome in all directions at once and I'm sure whatever you did to get where you are also resulted from some compromises that others didn't want to or couldn't make. I find that by generally talking about what I have in common with people it removes that otherness that can express itself as envy and put more of a human face on whatever part of me or my life people thought was a) unattainable and/or b) cool in some unattainable way.

I may be wrong here, but I think never losing sight of whatever else is going right in my life, I'm still a big dork with a host of normal problems and stupidities, and COMMUNICATING that in addition to whatever else I'm communicating (both verbally and non-verbally) really helps level everything out. I think other people are fascinating and awesome and this is more important to me than how fascinating and/or awesome they find me.
posted by jessamyn at 7:56 AM on December 14, 2006

However people often come to me with problems. Or people say things like "I wish I could [whatever], like you have". I take these as an invitations.

Neither of the things you've just described are invitations to tell people how to improve their lives. I would say that 90 percent of the time, when people go to a friend and say, "I have a problem," what they want is commiseration and reassurance that things will work out okay. 90 percent of the time when people say, "I wish I could...," what they want is for someone to say, "Absolutely you can, and furthermore, your life is awesome!"

If I were you, I'd try an experiment. For some period of time (at least a couple of months to get the best results), promise yourself that the only time you will give advice or talk about your own success is if someone says, "Can you please give me some advice about...?" or "Can you tell me how you...?" Act as if (whether you believe it or not) only those statements and no others are invitations to help people improve their lives. My guess is that the amount of advice you end up giving out will be much, much lower, but that the rate of return on such advice will be higher and more satisfying.
posted by decathecting at 7:59 AM on December 14, 2006

Most MeFi members are on the envy side of this, so I don't know how much good advice you'll get, other than insisting they don't really envy you.
posted by smackfu at 8:00 AM on December 14, 2006

If you to relate to people better, I suggest you learn to see your drive as a gift. It may be the product of some hard times, but it's still something you have that a lot of other people don't and ultimately it'll get you a better life than any amount of intelligence or family wealth. You are luckier than you think.
posted by teleskiving at 8:00 AM on December 14, 2006

All you can do is lead by example. If someone asks, say your piece, but it's totally up to them whether they internalize it or not. You can improve the likelihood of someone taking your advice by learning to express yourself in terms they understand, rather in the terms that make most sense to you. Doing so requires much listening and understanding of that person.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 8:07 AM on December 14, 2006

I like the, "Well you know, what I like about you is..." approach. When people express envy, it's because they are feeling like they aren't good enough themselves, or aren't as good as they could be. You don't owe them anything, but an effecive tool to deal with this situation is to validate them as they are now. I'm awful at accepting compliments. Really, I have a problem. So I know it's not easy. And I know that you would genuinely like to help people get what you've got if they say they want it. The people I've seen handle this with aplomb remain humble, gracious, deftly deflect or reframe praise and envy, and make people feel good about themselves. You are not their issue, they just think you are temporarily. So just smile for long enough for them to get back to thinking about themselves.
posted by kookoobirdz at 8:11 AM on December 14, 2006

I think the core of this question is about people being haters. Why are people haters? Isn't this like asking why the 7 deadly sins are so popular, but nonetheless obviously wrong? Why science plays second fiddle to religion? Why the minority needs to be protected from the majority?

There's no debate that they are haters, though, right?
posted by ewkpates at 8:12 AM on December 14, 2006

If you enjoy a lot of things that aren't income specific, and you are in the top 1%, you are likely to end up with a majority of friends who have less money than you do.

I wasn't so much talking about income level, but level of self actualization and esteem. The notably wealthy guy may find amoung his friends a poor but celebrated composer. Your circle of friends should tend towards those comparably exceptional or ordinary.

If they are skewed towards more ordinary, then that raises questions for me.

And as to being inspired by wealth alone, I know a guy who amassed a huge fortune doing a few years of prepaid phone card deals, he has very little to say about or add to any topic other than sports, luxury cars, packaged junkets and hookers. Kind of the opposite of inspirational.
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:16 AM on December 14, 2006

To be inspired is to have life's breath blown into you, to be awakened. Instead of wishing to inspire, concentrate on being inspired.
posted by xod at 8:33 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

you need to start hanging out with more interesting people. Sounds to me that it's you that might need the inspiration. Your post made me think of the married woman who is always trying to set you up with a date because she wants you to be happy - what she really wants is to experience that passion again for herself - through you (or in some cases - with you!).

The thing that inspires me the most about people is their actual inspiration. Get passionate again and it will rub off on all the people around you.

My favorite line in the movie Tucker (great movie) is when the finance guy says to Tucker that his mother said to him when he was a kid: "Don't get too close to people, you'll catch their dreams". (Only later did he find out that his mother meant "germs") Poignant scene. The point is that it's impossible to inspire someone without being inspired yourself. Think of the great teachers you've had in your life. How many of them that taught by rote? My best teacher was a Spanish teacher that spent about 1/4 of the class on Spanish and the rest of it talking to us about life. He was so passionate it just rubbed off on us.
posted by any major dude at 8:34 AM on December 14, 2006

I think you sound cool, and it would be great to hang out with you and get your perspective on how you made your life better. I don't find anything you said condescending.
posted by bingo at 8:34 AM on December 14, 2006

Why don't you find people to hang out with who will inspire you?

I once worked offshore for a couple that had an oilfield service company. They apparently attend some sort of mini-Davos in Colorado every winter.

Instead of backpacking in Laos, why don't you get to work on the infinite number of things that need to be done? You will meet interesting and inspired people in direct proportion to your dedication and to the quality of the problem you address, I promise you.
posted by atchafalaya at 8:40 AM on December 14, 2006

You need to remember that most people really do have different prioritites than you. They may envy your success, but if you asked them to choose between success and something, they'd choose the something.

Maybe it's family. Maybe it's a hobby. Maybe it's art. Maybe it's stability. Who knows?

The point is, a person can only have one top priority. It's pretty clear that success is yours. And it sounds like for most of your friends, success is #3 or #4 and something else comes first.

But here's the thing. Being a good friend means respecting your friends' priorities. Do you think you can do that? If someone thinks starting a business is less important than reading Proust, or tuning their engine, or raising good kids, can you respect that?

If you can, then your problem is only that you're not communicating that respect. The next time Bob tells you he envies your success, tell him you admire the way he's raised his family. Say it like you mean it. That's all the inspiration Bob needs to live the life he's chosen in the best way he can.

If you can't respect your friends' choices, then your problem is hanging out with people you don't respect. Others might argue about whether that makes you an asshole or a fish out of water, but I don't much care. Stop reminding your "friends" that you despise them, and go meet some people you actually like.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:44 AM on December 14, 2006 [4 favorites]

And yet still these people recede from me

I'll just chime in to say I don't think, based solely on the way this question was worded and your subsequent responses, that your success is driving people away. I think it's your personality. Sorry that sounds harsh. Try not to be so impressed with yourself and for god's sake, quit trying to be an inspiration. Be a pal instead.

I wish I'd seen Mayor Curley's answer.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:52 AM on December 14, 2006

How can I start being a source of inspiration rather than envy?

Erm, how about giving up the desire to inspire people and work on being friends with them instead. Friendship can't be based on one person trying to improve the other person.

In addition, consider the people you attract. You yourself seem to think that money and luxury travel are signs of acheivement and constitute a lifestyle that should be inspiring to others. Many other people view intellectual acheivements---applied skillful effort resulting in expertise---as much more important markers of success. If you're hanging out with who, like you, value wealth, then of course they're going to be envious. If you're dealing with people who value the mind, then they're going to be greatly annoyed with you, to say the least, if you try to "inspire" them with your wealth. You may incorrectly interpret their lack of interest in you as envy.
posted by footnote at 9:01 AM on December 14, 2006

Consider, just for a moment, just as a thought experiment, that you unconsciously *want* people to envy you. I know, that you don't think (consciously) that you want that. But just for the sake of an experiment, entertain the possibility that some part of you didn't outgrow that enjoyment of being envied that you admit you used to thrive on. And, while you an older, perhaps wiser, part of your personality now is uncomfortable with being envied, the younger part of you is still around and continuing to get pleasure from being envied.

If you can acknowledge that that might be true, ask that part of you about itself. Is it adolescent, or younger? What does it like about being envied? How does being envied make it feel safe? Use simple language, because it is a young part of you and may not understand sophisticated concepts and language. *Don't* nag or lecture it, or tell it to grow up or change. Learn about that part of you and what it needs. Once you understand yourself, you'll be in a better position to make the change you're interested in making.
posted by jasper411 at 9:03 AM on December 14, 2006

I wish I'd seen Curley's snark too.

In lieu, I'm with Bingo - I'd love to hang out with you and all your success and money. I promise to be inspired.

That said, while many may have implied you're an arrogant summbich, take it with a grain of salt. You don't know them, they don't know you. But an added dose of humility could do anybody a little good, and double that for people in enviable positions like yourself.

And whoever said that having a dog is the worst advice ever should have their account banned.

Having a dog should is probably the best answer for the majority of the questions on this site.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:07 AM on December 14, 2006

Though clearly the pervading impression is that I'm an arrogant summbitch. I'll consider it.

Maybe you should have used ellipses throughout your post. (Oops, sorry, wrong thread.) :)

Really, though, why not call up or take to lunch a few of the people you feel have distanced themselves, and have a good chat. Just tell them your concern, and show that you are open to learn from them. Then listen. Don't defend yourself, or even correct them in what you think are factual errors ("I never said that," etc.). Maybe take notes. Be honest that you want to be a better friend, and need feedback.

You may even package it something like this: "You know, people often seem to envy the freedom I have because of the decisions I made, and the breaks I have gotten. Most people think I am successful. But I really don't consider myself successful yet, because I have not mastered how to handle my relationships. Maybe you can help me."

My personal opinion, as someone who has no money, but many good friends: I would never trade places. Your life is the sum of your relationships, not the sum of your net worth. I think you know this, and you have shown a lot of humility by even posting your question here. Regardless if people think your tone comes across as arrogant, your action of posting shows that you really are not.
posted by The Deej at 9:07 AM on December 14, 2006

should
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:09 AM on December 14, 2006

Or people say things like "I wish I could [whatever], like you have". I take these as an invitations.

I suspect there's a miscommunication going on. Very few people want to be the beta dog. And if doesn't matter how much humility you have. If you're trying to -- nicely, kindly, helpfully, admitting-to-your-own-faultsly -- act as someone's inspiration, you are still placing yourself above them.

Even when people ASK for help and suggestions, 99% of the time, they don't want to be the beta dog. They may think they do (or they may think that they don't care about social hierarchies), but when push comes to shove, they find that they do. They may even appreciate and use your advice, but they won't want to be friends with you. (I'm inspired by plenty of people that I don't want as friends.)

There's also a big miscommunication going on in this thread. You're asking "how can I better inspire people?" and the replies are mostly saying, "stop trying to inspire people."

The problem is, you're asking "how can I be an inspiration to people and also a FRIEND." I agree with most here that you can't. An inspiration is one-up on the ladder; a friend is on the same rung. So you have to choose: Inspiration or friend.

If you want to be an inspiration, then just live your successful life. Shakespeare, Picasso, and Steve Jobs (did I really just put those three names in the same sentence?) inspire me -- not by giving advice -- but by being who they are and doing what they do.

If you want to be a friend, then please take the great advice that many have offered here:


Unless someone specifically asks what you did to get where you are, don't offer any advice, ever.

And I'd caution you to go further -- IF you want friends: even if someone ASKS for advice, try not to give it at first. Emphasize that you got lucky, that you have many faults, that you might be the wrong person to emulate. Give the friend a GRACEFUL way to back out, if what he really wanted to do was just flatter you or express his anger at being unsuccessful. Only after you've done all this, and he's still asking for advice, should you go ahead, gently, and say, "Well, what worked for me was..."

If you feel like, "Hey, if someone ASKS for advice, then I think it's fair enough to take the at their word and give it to them," then I feel for you. I am a VERY literal person. And this has caused me a world of trouble. Unfortunately, requests for advice are not always what they seem -- to you or the asker. Even if someone is receptive to advice, re-check this often. Someone may like the advice for the first five minutes -- but half-an-hour in they may start to resent it. Like it or not, this is human nature, and you have to give into it if you want friends.

Good luck.
posted by grumblebee at 9:14 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

What I try and do is encourage other people's aspirations through my own efforts. Too many people are quick to tell you why this idea and that idea won't work. What I do is try and show unbounded enthusiasm for stuff other people are doing.

For example, a friend of mine is trying to get a business going. He's got some great ideas, but not a lot of experience doing a business plan. I spent an evening at his house, helping him write the text for his business plan. By the end of the night, he had a draft of a document that gave him more energy to move forward with his business. At the same time, I was able to make him question some of his ideas, and refine other ones to make a stronger business plan.

Just give your time, energy and resources to help your friends accomplish their goals. This can be anything. From helping them fix a floor, joining a knitting class, or cleaning up their computer of spyware.

Be inspiring by being a good friend. That's all it takes.
posted by fcain at 9:23 AM on December 14, 2006

Someone once said, "What other people think about me is none of my business."

Worry less about what other people think/do/believe. Just be. Enjoy your life. Inspiration will come more from your BEING than from anything you DO. Your existence and your enjoyment of life will spark inspiration from within others. You can't really instill inspiration in another.

If someone envies you, let it go. It says more about them than it does you.

If you want to inspire on a broader scope, write a book about your experiences, so that others may find the inspiration within themselves.
posted by kat at 9:28 AM on December 14, 2006

I envy a lot of people, and I've also been in the position of being envied.

I've found that what moves me away from envy and over into the territory of inspiration is usually related to catching a glimpse of someone's truggles.

For example, this year I had an acquaintance who was applying for graduate school and I was just slayed with envy because I wanted what she had so much. From the outside, it really looked like she was 100% confident and filled with constant clarity and peace. But when I got to know her better and she told me about her self-doubts or anxious nights, or even just things like hassles with paperwork, I started to move from feelings of envy to feelings of inspiration.

It was sort of like, "look, is she can feel screwed up sometimes and still succeed, why can't I?" I find vulnerability mixed with success much more appealing. Tell me some stories of failures or obstacles, large and small (and with juicy details, preferably), and I'm much more likely to embrace you.

Likewise, I have people who envy me, specifically my siblings. But I know that when I tell them about some little trouble I'm having (e.g. a bad day at work,) or if I ask them for help with something (e.g. a lift the airport) I am much more relatable to them and they are less likely to be distant. They want to know I'm vulnerable and that I sometimes need them.

In some ways, it's an issue of image control. It's my opinion that if you really want to inspire someone you have to let go of the desire to look good all the time. Be a bit of a mess sometimes, and let people see it. I doubt they will be as distant then.
posted by megancita at 9:29 AM on December 14, 2006

You can listen better. Really listen. Especially when you feel you can't relate to these people very well to begin with; how can you inspire someone when you don't even know what they need the inspiration for, or what kind of inspiration they could use?

Most of the time, when people bring up the fact that they envy you, or wish they had something you had, they obviously feel comfrotable enough to have a conversation with you, or consider some level of friendship to be shared between you. I think your idea of support is to 'instruct' people on how to turn their envy around into something else productive, instead of just being moppy. Your intentions are good, but delivery lacks effectiveness, and when people don't get the kind of support that they were hoping to get, but instead got a lecture, of course they'll go and find other people to talk to.

Be inspiring by being a compassionate and attentive listener. The most that we can offer are not always words.
posted by margaretlam at 9:31 AM on December 14, 2006

envy: A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

When your friends come to you with their envy, it may be worth reminding yourself that envy isn't "I want that." It's "I feel bad about myself."
posted by desuetude at 9:38 AM on December 14, 2006

Hi!

Friends say the same thing to me. All the time. How they envy me my job.
That doesn't mean they want to quit their engineering jobs and start teaching kindergarten just like I do. :)

What you should try to keep in mind is that people, when engaging others in conversation, will mostly ask questions about what they think will interest the other person (ie. YOU) in order to get the conversation going.
I wasn't aware of this until I was nineteen or twenty, and it sure made me look at my then fairly unsuccessful social life in a new light.
posted by aforambivalent at 9:39 AM on December 14, 2006

Going with what aforambivalent said (which I think is totally true), the people who inspire me are those who can describe what they're doing in interesting ways and seem passionate about it, and who can also see my own strengths and encourage those.

If someone says they envy you, it may (as aforambivalent mentions) just be a way of saying, "Hey, tell me a cool story about your life" -- NOT "Hey, give me step by step instructions on how to become you." If the person's upset, it may be a way of saying "Hey, my life sucks, help me see that it doesn't" -- NOT "Hey, convince me that I really *do* suck and need to chuck everything I've accomplished on my own in order to become you."

Inspire people by loving what you do and sharing that passion. Encourage people by finding *their* strengths and values and showing them how they're already using them, and if they want to go further, let *them* define what that means and how they should get there. Don't say "Here's what you should do," ask "What would you like to do, and what strengths do you already have that would help you achieve that?"
posted by occhiblu at 9:56 AM on December 14, 2006

It sounds as if you are leading an enviable life.

But it also sounds to me as if you are not at all fulfilled as a person by your success, and you are looking to the opinions of others to tell you who you are, and that you are worthwhile.

You are suffering, in other words, from Durkheimian Anomie. Durkheim originally coined this term to explain the malaise he observed in contemporary capitalists who had succeeded beyond their wildest dreams, but no longer knew who they were or what to do with themselves.

I believe you have yet to find a calling. When you do, and I think I see a kind of moral drive in you that makes me think you will, you will have gone from enviable to inspirational without thinking about it, and that you will merely note this fact in passing as you get on with your real work.
posted by jamjam at 10:28 AM on December 14, 2006

Dan Kennedy, a curmudgeon and a legendary salesperson, wrote in one of his books that one should never give free advice.

He says it is always ignored and often resented. He also believes that people who pay for your advice are much more likely to actually use it.

At the very least, you then have a completely unambiguous signal to go ahead with the advising.

I think there is something gut-level-true about this perspective, but yet I can't square it with my enjoyment of posting to ask.metafilter.

Perhaps it is more true in a one-on-one situation.
posted by Invoke at 10:40 AM on December 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

I don't know if this will apply to your particular situation, because I don't know enough about you. But I would suggest that you look within before attempting to re-order the outside world. I might suggest "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" or "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" or similar books. Become at peace with your self and others will notice and respect that peace.
posted by IndigoSkye at 10:50 AM on December 14, 2006

It's impossible to tell from this question whether it's something about your success that is driving other people away or something else about your personality, Ookseer. I tell you what: you write me and tell me how I can get onto this traveling the world, exploring my interests and expanding my knowledge track, and I'll tell you if I can detect anything about your personality that might put a person off. I've really been wanting to become self-made.

And if the answer turns out to be "I'm just lazy" I promise not to cop out and tell you "you're just lucky"
posted by nanojath at 11:09 AM on December 14, 2006

I'm one of those people you try to help. If you knew me it would drive you crazy that I wasn't putting your experience and suggestions to use, especially since I seem to want your help, and it's obvious I desperately need it.
The few times I take your advice I don't follow through. I end up worse off and and you end up doing much more than you had intended, to try and help bail me out. I feel bad about that. I feel guilty. I feel like a failure. I know you are frustrated with me, I'm frustrated with me. I wish I could be more like you. More driven, more organized, more successful, more, well, more like you.
I love you dearly and I'm sorry I don't see you much anymore and I know you could use my friendship right now but it's hard to be around you because I've really screwed up now in trying to change. I don't want to burden you with it because I know what I have to do and it just isn't that difficult and I know you'll be disappointed in me and probably just throw up your hands and say "For God's sake, I don't have time for this, I've got my own problems." and I don't blame you.
I always intend to take your advice. I'll start tomorrow. I have to take Bosco to the dog park now though, he looks so hopeful. You love Bosco. He plays dead and picks up your pens for you and makes you laugh. There's also a huge pile of books from the library calling to me (I've put one on hold for you, by the way, it's right up your alley).
Actually, I'll have to start next week, I'm taking Hermione to the doctor, you remember her, we made you stay up that one night yakking so late even though you had to go to work the next day.
I've just spent a stupid amount of time on AskMeFi, there is so much else I should be doing. I did get some things sorted out in my head though I wasted a lot of time doing it.
Ookseer, I don't know if this helps, I kind of got carried away. I may try to send this to the Ookseer in my life. I hope she doesn't wad it up and bounce it off of my head.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:29 AM on December 14, 2006 [4 favorites]

I do not know you, so I cannot judge you, nor would I even want to. Please don't be defensive to people in this thread who are trying to help in some manner. How does it feel to be in the shoes of your supplicants? Same coin, different side. You are seeking advice, but when the advice doesn't strike you right, you shrink from it or belittle it.

My assessment of your situation is that you want followers, a sort of league of apprentices that you can fill their vessels with your knowledge.

Understand there is nothing wrong with that. But it probably will require you find a particular flavor of personality to hang out with you.

Take some of your money and start a new local enterprise, full of young impressionables, and stop by the office once a week and give them inspiration, and see if they can do something interesting. As long as they can just meet expenses, who cares if it is profitable.

You don't want to be Ookseer, the Friend. You want to be Ookseer, the Mentor. Again, nothing wrong with that, I'm not judging you. But you need to change your tactics, as those are two very different target audiences.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:52 AM on December 14, 2006

A lot of envy is transitory. At the moment someone tells me about some great deal they got or a recent raise or any number of other things I may momentarily think "jeez, I wish that had happened to ME." But I can't think of anyone whose life I have ever envied two days in a row. So perhaps you're making more of this than it is and these people are going out of your life for other reasons.

You do come across that way, but it's clear you don't mean to.

That pretty much hits the core of the matter: you can't control what other people feel about you or what they say to you. You can only control what you say to them. Consider expanding your traveling search for knowledge to include improved communication skills.
posted by phearlez at 1:43 PM on December 14, 2006

Wow, Boscosmom. Your comment just made me realize with a lightning bolt that I have been doing this exact thing to people I care about. Wow. Thank you for that.

So, new year's resolution, for me: No unsolicited advice.

Ookseer: I think I understand where you're coming from. Try looking at the subconscious-desire-to-be-envied thing. If you're anything like me, reading Boscosmom's comment might just wake you up a bit.
posted by jennyjenny at 2:54 PM on December 14, 2006

Why don't you start a blog about "how I became successful despite being a not-particularly talented highschool dropout, and the enviable lifestyle I'm now able to lead." It will give you chance to offer unsolicited advice to whoever wants it, and if you know someone who you think could use your advice you can tell them about your blog. They won't take it personally, they'll just think you're self-promoting. And if you want to help someone out right away, hire this guy to do your marketing.
posted by textilephile at 4:27 PM on December 14, 2006

college dropout, that is
posted by textilephile at 4:27 PM on December 14, 2006

There's no debate that they are haters, though, right?

ewpates, I feel very sad for you. I bet you are surrounded by haters, just like the poster is surrounded by envious failures.

Ookseer, you might try focusing on the many ways your friends are successful by their own lights, and "fascinating and awesome" (I love you jessamyn) regardless of whether they succeed or fail.

In other words, spend more time loving them and less judging.

boscosmom, thank you. That was one of the best responses to a personal question I have ever read on Metafilter.
posted by ottereroticist at 6:27 PM on December 14, 2006

If you are enviable and you want to be inspirational, what you need is called grace. Simply knowing your blessings are blessings, so you are thankful for them, humble when they are recognized, and willingness to share them with others.

At least that is what inspires me.
posted by 4ster at 7:11 PM on December 14, 2006

My experience is that when people say "I envy your ..." or "I wish I could ... like you do" they are lying.

Maybe not lying, exactly. Maybe it's more that the person who says "I envy you" says it because she thinks she should say it.

I think real envy tends to be secret, because it's so intense. The person who really envies you is silently plotting to kill you and steal your identity.
posted by medusa at 8:23 PM on December 14, 2006

I think real envy tends to be secret, because it's so intense.

That is incredibly perceptive medusa.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:21 PM on December 14, 2006

Perception is not reality. The world is what it is. If you find the people around you aren't interested in your success, then what will they be interested in? And why should you be interested in that?

Nobody envies hard work and sacrifice, but they can resent you for yours all the same.

What if that's the real question? How can I be an inspiration to others instead of a source of resentment?
posted by ewkpates at 9:34 AM on December 15, 2006