Forgive and forgetting

December 12, 2006 7:43 PM

How can I forgive my SO for hurtful things done (and apologized for) in the past? I'm having a really hard time moving on and moving forward due to my inability to forgive.

My boyfriend and I have been finding ourselves in quite a few little fights lately; mostly, it revolves around me perceiving things he does unintentionally as very hurtful and inconsiderate. These aren’t things like cheating or anything unforgivable, but they do serve to make me just feel unloved and like I‘m the only one making any effort to keep things working. We are very different people with very different ways of thinking, like many couples. Our relationship has been like this from the beginning, where he does something (or a few things) that upsets me, and I just get passive-aggressive and aloof for a while, until I blow up and say everything I’m feeling in a torrent. Then, for the most part, we do a good job of talking it out and figuring out ways to work on both of our behavior to keep it from happening again. And he’s made tons of progress, and has really changed a lot into a better partner.
The problem is that he isn’t at all perfect. And neither am I. Every time he slips up and makes me feel hurt for whatever reason, the laundry list of every other thing comes rushing back into my head, and oftentimes out of my mouth. I sit there thinking, “Why am I letting myself get hurt again?” I feel so weak for letting him get to me, and I just get re-angry about everything. I can’t let things go.
After a recent episode, he made it clear to me that if I couldn’t forgive him for the past, after he has apologized and shown me that he is trying to change, we could not as a couple move forward. This is painful for me to know I’m hurting him, and I feel like a failure. Today I told him that I was making a conscious decision to forgive certain things, but I’m still feeling like it is something I can’t do.
For the record, I tend to do this very thing with everyone in my life, family, friends; he, as my romantic partner, just has more opportunity to do those little things that get to me.
So my question is: How can I learn to leave the past in the past and take positive, forward thinking steps toward a loving relationship? How can I stop resenting him for every little thing that happened months ago?
I love him very much, and I also think working on this skill with him now can only serve to make my future and present relationships healthier.
Thanks all.

posted by zoey08 to human relations (19 comments total)

It seems to me that one of the things you two need is to better understand the perspective of the other person.

So, although this is going to sound terribly mechanical and possibly an undue burden, I would suggest you block out a specific half-hour or so a week when each of you can spend fifteen uninterrupted minutes talking about your week, and then another half-hour or so where you can talk to each other.

...when he's talking, you cannot interrupt. And vice-versa. He might resist the idea, but it is only an hour, and it's easy to combine into dinner or something. Go out someplace nice, and just let each other talk. Then, once the talking is done, discuss.

Over time (a pretty brief time, in my experience) you'll get a much better understanding of how you both operate, so that next time he does something you perceive as negative there'll be a little voice in your head telling you how he saw the situation.

I used this general tactic when on a long overseas trip with a friend of mine. Frankly, it was priceless in helping us avoid the sorts of petty festering disagreements that can wreck friendships while travelling in peculiar places.
posted by aramaic at 7:59 PM on December 12, 2006

Your question confuses me- you say you were "perceiving things he (did) unintentionally as very hurtful and inconsiderate", but today you told him "(you were) making a conscious decision to forgive certain things, but (you) still feeling like it is something (you) can’t do." He's either doing things you find unforgivable, or you're blowing natural things he does out of proportion- I can't imagine it could be both. Can you give us an example of the behavior he's doing that is making you so mad?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:00 PM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Make a list of positive things you love about him, and ways he has changed for the good.
The next time you feel all the past negative events come to the surface, read the list, perhaps you can overwhelm your negative feelings with encouraging, positive feelings.

Good luck.
posted by matholio at 8:02 PM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

If you accidentally ripped someone's coat during the course of the day, you would feel sorry and apologize. But you still haven't fixed the damage you accidentally caused until you pay or arrange for the repair.

So maybe what's going on here is that you're getting apologies but no repairs to the damage. You might want to ponder on these hurts you've experienced and see if there's more that can be done about them -- so that you can feel as though they have been fixed, and then move on from them.

This is as much your work as it is his -- he'll need your help identifying the right course of action, which depends on the damage as you perceive it.
posted by xo at 8:14 PM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

In response to ThePinkSuperhero:

Basically, I’ve moved recently, and our time together will be much more limited than we are used to, significantly so. And in two instances in the past couple of weeks, when I have taken the time to come and see him, he has made himself unavailable to me. He has his excuses; for example, I told him I could only see him for a few hours one night, and he forgot and thought I was staying the night and didn’t think it would be a big deal for him to invite friends over for a couple hours. This frustrates me because I feel like he doesn’t value what time we actually do have together. That’s a huge hurt for me; I feel he doesn’t value the relationship, while he feels his actions are in no way intentional in any way. In the past, most problems boil down to me feeling he doesn’t listen to what I say, and I just feel unimportant. So I have to basically get over thinking he doesn’t care about us and remembering when he acted like he didn’t care, because I know he does.
posted by zoey08 at 8:18 PM on December 12, 2006

The first question that comes to mind for me is -- what expectations to do you have of you boyfriend & family? What expectations are they failing to meet when they "slip up"?

It could very well be true that your boyfriend and family members are pretty insensitive sorts of people (after all, we tend gravitate toward SO's that feel familiar, even if what we're familiar with isn't good for us) but it may also be true that you either have unrealistic expectations of others and/or that you overreact whenever your expectations aren't met.

Not to be pessimistic, but I'm not sure there's an easy formula for forgiveness. I think you can train yourself to focus more on the present and less on the past (e.g., whenever your notice that you're dwelling on the past, acknowledge, then consciously turn your attention to something else), but that may be addressing the symptom rather than the cause.

Since this seems to be a pervasive issue in your life, you might consider therapy -- it sounds, to me, like very the sort of thing therapy is designed for.
posted by treepour at 8:20 PM on December 12, 2006

Oh, so this is your boyfriend?
posted by xo at 8:24 PM on December 12, 2006

These sound like very similar situations. That other thread might help you gain a new perspective. On preview, exactly.
posted by Brittanie at 8:28 PM on December 12, 2006

So I have to basically get over thinking he doesn’t care about us and remembering when he acted like he didn’t care, because I know he does.

Ok. That's what I figured. And here's my answer: why are you supposed to forgive him when he consistently acts like he doesn't care? Actions speak louder than words, baby. Why are you with a guy who consistenly acts in ways that make you feel hurt? You say it's been like that since the beginning! That's when it's supposed to be fun! I'm guessing you two are very young, and it sounds like you need a break from each other. Just so you can get your heads back on straight, and really decide if you want to be in a relationship that's more work than fun. Hint: You don't.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:29 PM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Perhaps. His willness to ask for advice sparked my attempt to do the same, to show I will be making steps to work on this as much as he will.
posted by zoey08 at 8:29 PM on December 12, 2006

I think that the biggest problem is that you don't have a clear understanding of what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not about forgetting someone's past actions nor is it about condoning their behavior. To forgive someone simply means that you no longer want to punish them for their past behavior. The strange part is that forgiving your boyfriend simply by giving up the desire to punish him will benefit you more than it will benefit him. You will get rid of the anger from the past and be able to deal with the relationship as it is now.
posted by calumet43 at 8:51 PM on December 12, 2006

Crabintheocean, I think in an effort to improve their relationship they've both gone to AskMefi, and are both aware of this fact. If they are being cagey about knowing each other to the community, it is probably in an effort to either conceal their identity or not get people complaining that they're attempting to cheat their AskMe one question/week quota (which I think is totally not violated here).

He wants to become more responsible and aware of her needs, and she wants to learn to be less sensitive and over-reacting when he slips up.

zoey08, I guess what you have to remember is "I forgot" does not mean "I forgot because I don't love you enough", "I forgot because you aren't important to me", or "I forgot because I secretly hate you." You've said you're passive-aggressive; in my experience the same way direct people don't have a good ear for picking up passive-aggressiveness because they assume everyone is just being direct and open, ("I thought you were actually happy I was getting this new job!"), passive-aggressive people tend to assume there's always a hidden message to other people's actions.

Your boyfriend sounds like a well-meaning scatterbrain--if he wasn't well-meaning he wouldn't have changed as much as he has. His actions do not have hidden meanings about whether or not he loves you. If they did, he wouldn't be trying. Trying means a lot in relationships.

Like another poster recommended, when you're angry think about how much he has improved and all the qualities you love about him. Realize he'll probably never achieve the level of perfection you want, and determine whether his positive qualities are worth this.
Love is accepting your partner's lack of perfection and continuing to work towards your own perfection. In his case, that means loving you despite your blow-ups and passive-aggressiveness, and trying to be more concientious. In your case, that means loving him despite his forgetfulness and trying to be less passive-aggressive and more lenient of his mistakes.
posted by schroedinger at 9:21 PM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

So maybe what's going on here is that you're getting apologies but no repairs to the damage. You might want to ponder on these hurts you've experienced and see if there's more that can be done about them -- so that you can feel as though they have been fixed, and then move on from them.

Xo is very smart. Xe makes an excellent point.

When you feel that you have been wronged, and can't seem to just put it behind you, sometimes all it takes is to ask yourself -- "OK, but what do I want Now? What would make this allright?" Sometimes, as is maybe true in your case, the person who wronged you wants nothing more than to make it right (and be out of the doghouse.) Usually -- at work, on the freeway, on the phone with your bank -- you don't actually get reparations. But even then, just articulating to yourself what would make it OK allows you to start talking yourself down -- because then, you are no longer a victim, you're standing up for yourself, at least in your mind, and that feels better.
posted by Methylviolet at 9:24 PM on December 12, 2006

Loving someone is easy. Being with them in a long-term relationship goes beyond just loving them. It's reasonable for each of you to make an effort -- he should try harder to be attentive, you should try harder to be forgiving. But we all have natural limits to how much we can comfortably change for other people. Beyond that, we have to accept our loved ones for who they are and hope that they accept us.

It sounds like each of you is making a sincere effort to change. Your boyfriend is trying to be more attentive. You are trying to be more forgiving. But in the end, he is naturally scatterbrained. You are naturally responsible. Each of you has traits that drives the other a little bit nuts.

Neither of you is more "right" or "better," and I think that gets to the heart of it. If you can't both accept each other for who you are, without making each other miserable, then maybe it's time to move on.

You deserve an attentive, responsible boyfriend. Your boyfriend deserves a laid-back girlfriend, someone who is either scatterbrained too or not bothered by his absent mindedness. It's not fair for either of you to force your needs onto one another, when those needs conflict with the innate personality and character of who each of you is.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:06 PM on December 12, 2006

Your situation actually sounds really similar to mine. We're both in vigorous Academic programs so we don't see each other a lot, so small things like a hug during the day or holding hands when we're near each other will sate my need for affection, but he's really not one for PDA. Small things like that will bug me, and he knows they bug me and I do the whole passiveagressive-> blowup-> makeup-> temporaryfix-> washrinserepeat thing, too.

What matholio's advised is actually one of the only thing that works in this situation, I find. Remember the good times, the sweet things he's done, the way he's goofy about a certain thing that makes you smile. If I'm feeling neglected and hurt because I'm upset over something that happened to me and he doesn't realize it because he has assignments and he's attributing my moods to my assignments, I'll usually try to reread an MSN converesation we had that made me happy, or something he inadvertently said that was exactly what I needed at the time.

The thing is, when you're feeling down, you have a tendency to only remember the downtimes. Conscious efforts to remember the good aspects go a long way.

Also - and I'm getting better at this - accept that this is who he is. I know it sounds a bit cliché and overrated and such, but it does work. It's not that he doesn't love you, it's just that he's different. My SO's a stoic, so I've learned not to attribute short, jesting conversations to him being mad at me, the way I would with most other people. Instead, that's just how he handles things.
posted by Phire at 10:38 PM on December 12, 2006

Do please consider: Some folks cause hurt without intending, by different means. My partner used to hurt me occasionally, and after talking about it, I discover it is a language issue (English is his 4th language), or a different perspective. Fact is, he'd never hurt me on purpose. This seldom happens anymore, after 9 years.

Beware too, sometimes you can get angry with your bf because, for whatever reason, you want to be angry and throw a fit, because it ultimately makes you feel somehow better! This is what we call a "drama queen", and yours truly has had this tendency in the past.

At the same time, over the years I learned that sometimes a discussion will start pushing my anger buttons, and making me respond in anger. But, I also learned that often this happened even though I didn't want it or gain by it. I learned to communicate through the anger (usually loudly) "I don't want to fight! I'm not as angry as I sound!". Also helps that I've taught my partner that a demand that he "Shut up!" usually translates as "I'm loosing control of my anger for no good reason, so back off and let me calm down." We went through a phase when this was common, now it's rare.

In my case, I have the baggage, in copius amounts. He has almost no emotional baggage at all (first time I've ever been so close to someone with sane parents). If you're all emotional about stuff your guy is doing in innocence, you're going to confuse the poor man and make things difficult. So, do always check to make sure your anger at him isn't backed up by anger at everyone else who has slighted you.
posted by Goofyy at 11:42 PM on December 12, 2006

I agree with Phire that acceptance is key here. Strive to truly see your boyfriend (and others) as who he is, in all his facets, slipups irritants and all. Love him for the whole person that he is, not the person you (or he) want him to be. If this not possible then consider whether he is the right guy.

But also accept your own feelings and take responsibility for them. You sound like you already get this, but it's worth some focusing on. Don't beat yourself up for having strong feelings, but do realize that, to a large extent these feelings are yours to control. Between every unpleasant stimulus he gives you, and your reaction is the opportunity for you to be proactive by deciding how you want to feel about and react to it. Whenever I catch myself saying or thinking something like "he/she is making me feel x" I stop and remind myself that I can choose how to interpret the situation. The more I do this, the larger this interval between stimulus and response appears to me, and the easier reframing the situation in my own head becomes. I start to notice things like stresses that may be causing my partner to behave poorly, or things I might be doing to exacerbate or misinterpret the situation. If I can find no better spin to put on it for myself, I at least look at the event as a valuable opportunity to practice my anger management skills.

Speaking of anger management you might find this linked thread useful.
posted by Manjusri at 11:59 PM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

I feel the same way about some of my husband's actions, and he very wisely points out that he doesn't have the capacity to make the effort to do those things on purpose to piss me off. He's just clueless.

You either have to accept it-accept that this is who he is, and let it go-or you have to find another relationship. In his favor is the fact he is willing to work on it, but for it to work on your end you have to know in your heart that he is not doing these things maliciously to hurt you.

That doesn't make it any less annoying, of course, but if you can learn to laugh about it it helps.

Only YOU know whether or not he's worth the effort.
posted by konolia at 7:43 AM on December 13, 2006

Hate to take the pessimistic route, but I was in a relationship where he kept doing lots of 'small things' that hurt my feelings and it just snowballed. He never changed one bit and I finally realized what HE said were unintentional hurtful things were actually just him being an asshole.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:49 PM on December 13, 2006