How do I keep my crappy memory from ruining my relationship?

December 11, 2006 10:26 PM

I'm an irresponsible guy with a really horrible memory dating a very responsible girl, and I keep fucking things up between us by forgetting things, screwing up schedules and things like that. It's not just things like the date we started going out, her birthday, or whatever (this sort of info is on my calendar just not in my head). It's things like the time we're going to meet, or where she's going to be at a specific time. I've always been so bad with dates and times and schedules that if I don't have absolutely everything written down then SOMETHING will be completely forgotten. I write down when dates are going to be, I copy her class and work schedules into my calendar, all that sort of thing, but I fuck some things up and it really upsets her.

It's been particularly bad because she just had to move about 45 minutes away from me, and now there's loads more scheduling to deal with. Things like me not getting enough sleep the night before she makes a trip down to see me, and then I'm a useless lump, or she's only going to be down for a few hours but I assume she's come to stay with me for the night, and I don't make good use of the time...
She's really hurt by things like this, they make her feel like she's the only one putting forth effort in the relationship. I can't think of what to do. I feel like every conversation will trip me up later unless I take notes or something.

Every so often she'll call me out on things like this that I've been doing or not doing, and how inconsiderate it makes me seem, and it's always an "A-ha" moment for me, where I suddenly realize exactly what she means and in hindsight I think "What the hell was I thinking?".
How do I start being more considerate and less of a stupid jerk?
How do I keep my crappy memory from ruining my relationship?

posted by shanevsevil to human relations (28 comments total)

In regards to being less of a stupid jerk, I think you need to ask her. What irritates her may be very different to what irritates other people. Just say to her what you've said here, that you've always been like this and not just to her, that you're willing to change, that it's not a reflection on your feelings for her.

As for your memory... maybe enlist her help with it. Instead of struggling by yourself and upsetting her, why don't you work together to improve it? Have some sort of system where you're rewarded for remembering things, and punished for forgetting things. You get chocolate if you do, not if you don't. Replace chocolate for a hobby/sex/computer/whatever.

Good luck.
posted by twirlypen at 10:34 PM on December 11, 2006

I've been like this my whole life, and to some degree am still like this, compared to my wife. A few key things (that are harder than they sound, I know) are to really listen at the point when you're talking about scheduling. Put down the cell phone, turn off the TV, pause the iPod, whatever. The issue is more likely to be your inattention to the obligations than merely having a "crappy memory".

At the moment that you're discussing plans, actually focus on the conversation at hand, and picture the date/trip in your mind. If there are parts that are unclear, ask about them. Repeat what she says back to her, and write it down from your recollection and read it to her to verify. (This also helps cement it in your mind.)

At the same time, don't beat yourself up. She needs to understand this is part of who you are, and though you'd like it to change, it's unlikely to happen while you're stressed out about the fact you keep dropping the ball. If she's a very responsible person, it should be easy for her to find ways to help you do the right thing.

The minute I stopped merely feeling bad about "having a bad memory" and really paid attention to what I was doing, and when my significant other indicated that this wasn't a moral failing on my part, just something I should work on fixing, things got a million times better.

Sometimes, these days, I'm downright on top of things. :) You can be, too.
posted by anildash at 10:48 PM on December 11, 2006

I suck at "when" and I often forget to do things. I part-compensate by reserving one of my trouser pockets (back left) for bits of paper that need regular review and/or later filing: bills to pay, shopping lists, things to follow up for people, phone numbers of people I'm supposed to ring back, appointment times, pay slips, whatever - and every time I change my trousers, I look through them in the process of moving them from the old pocket to the new pocket.

Once I'm finished with a particular bit of paper, it gets stuffed into a different pocket (back right) along with all the other bits I'm going to chuck out without looking at on a trouser change (all those useless bits of paper I used to stuff reflexively in my wallet until it was bursting at the seams and I cleaned it all out).

I know that everything I need to deal with *today* will be in there. Usually that's enough. I still screw things up sometimes, which makes ms. flabdablet quite justifiably upset when it happens, but much much much less often since I worked out the trouser pocket reminder system. For me, it works better than a formal calendar, because (a) my lists always stay with me wherever I am (b) there's enough turnover in those bits of paper that in-pocket wear doesn't destroy them before they've done their job and (c) a pocketful of unbound paper is less lumpy to sit on than a notebook.

I'm sure your lovely would be reassured if she saw you writing down agreed dates, times and actions and stuffing them into a pocket she knows you're actually going to check regularly.

Or, you could just dump her for somebody more relaxed.
posted by flabdablet at 10:48 PM on December 11, 2006

You all need to communicate better. For instance, ask her, "So are you staying the night tonight?"

And while you're working out these memory issues through better communication, it might help if she eased up on you a bit as well. Nagging is a relationship killer.
posted by Kloryne at 10:51 PM on December 11, 2006

I used to date someone like you. We had a system that would work pretty well -- though we lived together -- which was making lists in the morning for whatever needed to happen during the day. Each day a new list. He was confirmed ADD though, so this was pretty much a necessary part of us being able to relate and get things done as a couple. For stuff that was super important like rides to the airport or things where timing was mission critical, he would simply not be my go-to guy.

We split up for reasons that feel mostly unrelated, but it was one of those incompatibilities that we accepted about the other person, but did sort of get in our way in this constant annoyance fashion. He always felt like he was the screw up and I always felt like the taskmaster. Now that we're not together, neither of us feel this way about ourselves. This is just to say, it's possible that the way you want to be and the way your girlfriend wants you to be are at odds enough that this may be hard to resolve. It's clearly making you feel bad, and she seems pretty pissed off about it, but make sure if you're beating yourself up about it, you're doing it because it's something you want to change about you as well as wanting to change it for her.
posted by jessamyn at 10:52 PM on December 11, 2006

May I suggest an augmented memory device? Hipster PDA's are popular, and can help out. It sounds like you already have a calendar system, but what I've found with mine is that if I don't have something written down immediatly, it'll never make it to my calendar. I carry around a moleskine notebook in my back pocket, and that has worked for me. I just jot down notes, and at the end of the day, transcribe into my GTD system. Simple dates and times transcribe into my calendar.
posted by cschneid at 10:52 PM on December 11, 2006

By the way: the same personality trait that makes me likely to forget things also gives me the ability to focus on a particular problem and hammer away at it for hours on end until it's properly and completely fixed. This is something I'm better at than ms. flabdablet. She's the organized multitasker/planner/scheduler; I'm the obsessive "it will get fixed and stay fixed" problem-solver. We make a pretty good team, and both of us have come to realize that appreciating each other's strengths is much more conducive to wedded bliss than getting pissed off at each other's weaknesses.

So what are you good at?
posted by flabdablet at 10:54 PM on December 11, 2006

This doesn't directly address the relationship aspect of your question, but you might want to look into "executive dysfunction" which might be the source of the problems you have with scheduling and time organization. Here's a site that discusses some strategies for dealing with ED.

(Note that these links discuss ED with Tourette's, ADHD, and Asperger's Syndrome -- this doesn't mean you have any of those things, but it happens to be a common condition with those who do. The pages might help you even if you don't have one of those syndromes.)

If reading the descriptions of ED rings a bell for you, you might see if you can discuss it with a psychatrist and treat it in an organized way. Or you can try the strategies from the links above, and make sure the girlfriend knows what is up as well so she can be supportive.

It might not be ED at all but when you said "I've always been so bad with dates and times and schedules that if I don't have absolutely everything written down then SOMETHING will be completely forgotten" it seemed like something worth looking into, at least. Good luck!
posted by litlnemo at 10:56 PM on December 11, 2006 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you've been making a pretty big effort and doing a lot of the right things. Are you giving youself enough credit for that?

It might be helpful to try separating the behavior from the stories you're telling about it.

It sounds to me like the two of you are collaborating on a story where you play an inconsiderate guy who screws up all the time, and she plays the girlfriend who gets disappointed and hurt because she's making all the effort.

Is that story really accurate? How does it fit with each of your family messages, previous relationship dynamics, etc.? What does each of you get out of participating in it?
posted by ottereroticist at 11:21 PM on December 11, 2006

I'm going to stick up for you here. Yes, you're making some mistakes, but your girlfriend needs to understand that not everybody is an organizational whiz, and if she loves you, she'll learn to live with you.

That said, you really should work on getting your shit together. Talk to her about your problem, but don't make excuses. Just say, I realize I'm not the most organized, but I'm really going to make a concerted effort here. And then do it.

Work really hard at being organized, and ask for her help. Have her remind you to check your calendar, share your successes and failures with her, and ask her to understand that you won't ever be the Type A organizer that she is.

Doing these kinds of things together is what being in a relationship is all about - accommodating each other and meeting in the middle. Best of luck.
posted by chrisamiller at 11:31 PM on December 11, 2006

After reading this thread, I'm almost convinced atheists and Christians have a better chance of making relationships work than people who are conscientious vs absent-minded or chronically late.

OK, that's overstating the case somewhat, but I think it might be important to note this isn't just a planning problem, it's also a gap of misunderstanding. It's definitely worth learning to be more conscientious for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is out of consideration for her, but unless she's also willing to learn to understand your perspective and make some allowances, there's going to be more trouble. Both jessamyn and anildash make references to this:

j: "He always felt like he was the screw up and I always felt like the taskmaster. "

a: "She needs to understand this is part of who you are, and though you'd like it to change, it's unlikely to happen while you're stressed out about the fact you keep dropping the ball.

The minute I stopped merely feeling bad about "having a bad memory" and really paid attention to what I was doing, and when my significant other indicated that this wasn't a moral failing on my part, just something I should work on fixing, things got a million times better."

If you fall into the taskmaster vs. screwup roles, you're going to have a hard time of it, even if you do get better. So I second anil's advice.
posted by weston at 11:48 PM on December 11, 2006

You know, if the memory issue itself just can't be improved upon for some reason, I'd actually recommend doing spur-of-the-moment, no-advance-planning-needed sorts of things that probably saved my boyfriend's and my relationship in its early stages, when we were both so busy with school we'd forget personal engagements left and right.

Example: when the mood strikes you, write your girlfriend a lovely note about how nice it was to see her/have her visit, etc, and tuck it into her luggage so she finds it when she gets back. It won't help with the scheduling issues (I agree with the other advice given here on the thread already), but it'll certainly remind her that you're working on getting it together, and not trying to be an inconsiderate jerk.
posted by universal_qlc at 12:14 AM on December 12, 2006

It sounds like you're doing everything you can — writing stuff down, keeping a calendar.

I think your girlfriend needs to lighten up. Maybe have a conversation with her where you ask her to inform you well in advance and often of the dates/times/events that are really important. The trick here is that not everything is really important, and she'll have to choose. She needs to give you some leeway, geez.
posted by Brittanie at 1:31 AM on December 12, 2006

Well, this sounds like a combination of a two things:

1) You're really forgetful, like many people, and try to remember things but you're not good at it. It's not malicious, and it's not because you don't care, you just have a bad memory.
2) Your girlfriend is good at remembering things. She doesn't need to make an effort to remember things, she just *does*. So when you forget things, she thinks that you're actually making a conscious effort not to care about what's important in your life.

There's a couple things you can do here... first, talk to your girlfriend about it. Explain to her that you have a bad memory about EVERYTHING, not just her, and show her that you really are putting in an effort to try to remember things. Show her your calendar, etc. You could also consider getting a PDA, preferably one with audible alarms to remind you of important things. Or, at the very least, if you're not financially able to pick up a PDA, carry a notebook with you, and make it a habit to CHECK IT ALL THE TIME. Once you've gotten that habit down, you should be much better at remembering things.
posted by antifuse at 3:15 AM on December 12, 2006

Things that have worked:

1) Get a moleskine. Write everything down in it. Have one of the calendar ones or just make a page a day.

2) Have a weekly email or whatever. "This is the plan for the week" or "this is what I need you to do this week" -- and it goes both ways. That way, no matter what, you can always go back to the gmail thread (or whatever) to be sure you know what's going on.
posted by Medieval Maven at 3:32 AM on December 12, 2006

Your girlfriend needs to lay off you a bit. You sound a bit like me - complete scatterbrain - I nearly got the wrong date iced onto our wedding cake and would have had my mother-in-law not been there to double-check it.

My husband is not as anal/super-organised as your girlfriend sounds, but he knows he needs to remind me over and over what his work schedule is and if there's anything important I'm supposed to do that day. I ask every night what hours he's working tomorrow, because I've stopped even trying to remember when he rattles it off at the beginning of the week. Like flabdablet says, I'm the obsessive "it will get fixed and stay fixed" problem-solver - I just need reminding what the problems are sometimes. My desk at work is covered in notebooks full of lists and to-dos to remind myself what I'm doing, did last week, should do next.

You sound like you're really trying. Do make notes, keep an appointment diary if necessary (I used to, still should), and don't be afraid to double-check with her as many times as you need to (this may help her feel you're making an effort?). Get her to remind you (you speak on the phone a lot, right?) before she comes down what she's planning to do. Try and get her to understand that you don't forget because you don't love her, you're just as naturally disorganised as she is organised.

Sorry for the (disorganised) essay ;)
posted by corvine at 4:04 AM on December 12, 2006

A suggestion from the logistical/practical end of things: find a to-do/reminder service on the Web (I'm partial to Remember the Milk at the moment) and make it your home page. It lets you make due dates, tells you when things are approaching, and so on.
posted by WCityMike at 4:16 AM on December 12, 2006

Pretty much any modern cellular phone will allow you to keep a date/task list within, and remind you when things are scheduled. If it's 'smart' enough, it will even let you synch with Outlook or some other desktop scheduling app.
posted by The Confessor at 6:09 AM on December 12, 2006

I'm in a relationship with someone like that. We miss on plans all the time. We've worked hardcore at our communication over the past few months, and 99% of the time now we're spot-on... but there's still places that I fall flat on my face.

Now, I don't know her, and I don't know you. I don't know how much this affects her really, and I can't tell from here what she isn't saying. I also can't tell what you're doing during the times that you're supposed to be doing stuff with her, and that matters. Getting called into your 2nd job and having to swap a date out and make it up to her is one thing, standing her up for a date because you're drinking beer and playing Wii with your roommate is another.

It may not be the time issues necessarily. Sometimes it's the "small things" that remind her that even though you're a scatterbrain, you always are thinking about her. Here's another thread that helped me a lot.
posted by SpecialK at 6:22 AM on December 12, 2006

There are two things that jump out at me in the OP's question:
1. You write everything down, or try to. How often do you review what has been written down?
2. You're afraid that when your GF is telling you something, maybe you should be writing it down. So ask her: "is this something I should jot down to aid my faulty memory?"

Other recommendations:
1. Experiment. Fladlablet's paper-scrap-and-two-pockets system would drive me crazy. It wouldn't work for me, but I admire the logic behind it. I put everything in iCal and sync it to my phone and iPod (and have a widget showing the next 2 days events always visible on screen), but this only works for me because I'm usually at my desk. Try different memory aides.

2. Be consistent. Develop habits that help you stay on top of things. If you need to set an alarm at 9:00 every day to remind yourself to check your schedule, do it.

3. Somewhat related, "put knowledge in the world." If you're supposed to bring something with you some place, put it in front of your door so you'd have to trip over it to leave without it. That sort of thing.

4. Daily lists. When I'm in a busy period, if it ain't on the list, it ain't getting done.
posted by adamrice at 7:02 AM on December 12, 2006

OMG, weston. I forgot about that thread. But I will repeat some of it: If your girlfriend is really conscientious, then you may have a real problem on your hands and it is probably worth it to find out how strongly she feels about it now. It doesn't make her crazy, despite what the fuck-up support group may tell you. It might make you totally incompatible though.

I know when I first started dating my boy (five years ago), he was consistently late. I told him it needed to stop and mostly it has. Sometimes he'll go through a rash of latenesses and I'll mention and it'll get fixed from then on. Whenever we speak on the phone, we go over the next planned contact and what it will entail--not in a totally anal way, but just "so I'll call you before X to decide what time we will meet for Y" or "I'll meet you at Q at W." Altogether that helps, but he is pretty functional, and most important, he knows it matters to me and respects that. (It helps that I'm totally awesome.)
posted by dame at 7:13 AM on December 12, 2006

I agree that a PDA or moleskin or whatever will help, a *lot*. But don't, by any means, arrange your life to revolve around her. It'll help your life, in general, to get a better handle on your commitments, but in the long run this is part of you, probably balanced by creativity or analytical ability, and she needs to accept it or move on. Don't let her beat you up over this.

I swear, (some) girls are so good at emotional manipulation, they don't even know they're doing it...
posted by LordSludge at 7:26 AM on December 12, 2006

You worry too much. Worrying affects short-term memory.

If you are self-aware enough to label yourself as "irresponsible", then you really are not that irresponsible.
posted by wfc123 at 7:32 AM on December 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry, but I'm aghast at reading the "you're doing plenty," etc etc. I completely disagree.

In your own post you mention "how inconsiderate it makes me seem". Sorry, but it doesn't make you seem inconsiderate. It makes you inconsiderate.

I was like this when I was a kid. I always forgot when to put the garbage out or cut the grass or whatever. My parents got increasingly more frustrated and I used to think to myself the same as you did, "Why am I like this? Why am I such a jerk?" The answer is, "Because I am" or, more accurately, "Because I think I am."

Don't wonder/ask how to be more considerate. It's no mystery. DO IT.

In addition, the bulk your question is about how your girlfriend feels about your lack of consideration. There's no mention of how you feel (not how she makes you feel). My armchair psychologist thinks you don't give a shit. IE, if she wasn't giving you pains about it, you wouldn't care and may not even notice. It's hard to completely reverse your actions when you could care less about how they affect other people.
posted by dobbs at 7:57 AM on December 12, 2006

Well, I wouldn't say it exactly like my friend dobbs here, and I do think there are some steps you can take to help your memory like obsessively writing stuff down or using a phone/pda that has reminders that aren't a pita to use, but in the end, it does really just come down to just doing it, whatever it takes.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 8:19 AM on December 12, 2006

Another hint is to make her your partner in helping you -- tell her to cue you when you should be writing things down and when something's important. That also helps tie your relationship closer together. She should be able to see that your regret at being inconsiderate is genuine, but this shouldn't be a problem that you have to work at yourself if you've got a good relationship.
posted by SpecialK at 8:53 AM on December 12, 2006

This is something that hits close to home. Obviously, this is a problem you have that affects more than just your relationship (me too), and fixing the problem itself--and not just its effect on your relationship--is what you really need.

You have some problems with memory. Me too. You need to establish new habits. For example:

I have an older car, and the gas cap is not attached to the car. My father taught me, long ago, that the way not to leave the gas cap on the car is to never set it down. I have definitely gone in to start the car, and upon putting my hands on the wheel discover that I can't because there's something in my hand--the cap. The habit of *no matter what* not setting down the cap makes it impossible to leave it behind.

Same goes (mostly) for my keys. Left front pocket, always. Or else they'll be a goner. I've been recently been having a problem with stuff (literally) falling out of my pockets, which is really not good. If I can train myself the habit of, after sitting or squatting, checking for dropped items, this won't be a problem.

I am currently working on similar hacks for things like scheduling. You and I both need to:

1. Write stuff down. If it's not on paper, it doesn't exist.
2. Keep it all in the same place. A thousand little scraps of paper are useless. Sometimes this happens, but it's our job to carry around something to write on (paper, PDA, whatever) that obviates the need to write on "whatever's handy"
3. Review. A PDA can help with this by giving you an alert, but a review is still a good idea for things like, say, an upcoming birthday. You get the alert so far in advance that you forget about it because you're not set up to find a gift this very instant. You need the habit of a review so that you can catch this stuff. I recommend a time period daily, maybe first thing or last thing. You could set an alarm somewhere for this to remind you that you have to review, since you're obviously going to forget about it if you don't set up a reminder, until it becomes a part of your day.

As previously mentioned David Allen's Getting Things Done espouses much of this methodology. Whether or not you follow it, I'll reiterate the following:

As you know, you need to write stuff down. To remember it. That means, *whenever* someone talks to you, an alarm bell needs to go off somewhere saying "does this represent something I need to do?" If so, write it down. Right there. Stop what you're doing.

If you don't review what you've written down, it's pretty useless. Develop a regular schedule to parse through what you've written so you don't miss anything. Doesn't have to be long, but for god's sake you're going to have to do it religiously or else it's not going to happen. Set the notebook by your toothbrush, tape it to the door, buy a special alarm clock just for this, do whatever it takes, just somehow remind yourself. You're basically trying to talk to your future self here; pick something that will rimind them well and not be ignorable.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 9:43 AM on December 12, 2006

first, get yourself a gmail account. i'll assume you have a mobile phone?

once you've set up your gmail, you will be able to use google's calendar program.

it's simple to use and learn. enter in important dates, recurring things (like anniversaries), and stuff that comes up. you can go into settings and have the program send you email reminders, or even have text messages sent to your phone!

since your partner is more organized than you, you should consider sharing your calendar with her (if she's got gmail - if not, have her sign up)...then she can enter in her events but you will still get notification. although i think notification only works for your primary calendar.

over time your partner will come to realize that your view of time and events has nothing to do with your feelings for her, and gcal will help you show her that. good luck!
posted by jjsonp at 3:10 PM on December 12, 2006