Why don't I feel like fucking my hot girlfriend anymore?

December 11, 2006 8:55 PM

Lesbian Bed Death... what gives?

I'm 27, she's 21, we've been dating for almost two years, just moved in together about two months ago, and both of us want to want to have sex, but we don't actually really feel like it anymore. She's an incredibly talented dancer and an outstanding athlete, very comfortable using her body. She's in the best shape of her life but reports that sensations don't feel the same anymore, specifically her breasts have gotten smaller and give her way less pleasure. I want to have sex with her parts but don't really want anything going on with my parts anymore. I get performance anxiety because I don't always get off.

Why is this going on? We used to have tons of sex all the time, and it was really, really good. I know that LBD is common and some dykes talk about it like its inevitable in any lesbian relationship but... we're so hot and young and in love and our sex has been so great in the past -- Why god why?!

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

Sex drops off in many LTRs. It's just not as new and special when you've been together that long.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:02 PM on December 11, 2006

Yeah. My SO and I, after a year, are down to once a week. We're very affectionate, cuddly, whatnot ... but what's going on between each other's ears is more interesting at this point than what's going on between each other's legs.
posted by SpecialK at 9:06 PM on December 11, 2006

(Note: Straight relationship for me. Don't think that bed death only happens to homosexual relationships.)
posted by SpecialK at 9:07 PM on December 11, 2006

I've noticed this as a woman in a straight relationship. It's not that I don't enjoy it, it's just that my drive for initiating it is way down. Having a man whose sex drive is higher is pretty much what keeps our sex life alive. Once he kicks things off, I'm good to go. Maybe there's something biological at play?

If it's not happening naturally, you can always take turns being the one who initiates things. Every Saturday, one of you has to seduce the other -- take turns? Conscious effort is a magical thing.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:08 PM on December 11, 2006

Do either of you use an oral contraceptive for regulating periods/skin tone? Sometimes those can affect libido pretty drastically. Or other medications.
posted by spatula at 9:08 PM on December 11, 2006

Well, lesbian bed death isn't actually a documented phenomenon. In many relationships of all orientations, couples do stop haveing sex for various reasons, but I think it's good to know that it's not cuz you're dykes!

I think it's also pretty well understood now that at the beginning of a relationship, we have all these exciting chemicals flowing through our bodies that make us want to fuck like bunnies. As time goes on those chemicals go away and are replaced by others that aren't so overty sexual. Here's a simplistic link about the topic:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/#for_against1

Anyway, if we want to keep having sex after the exciting chemicals go away, we have to make more effort to make it happen. For some people that means scheduling sex, for others it's branching out sexually to new practices (reading erotica aloud, watching porn together, going to a sex party - you don't have to participate, watching is fun too, taking a tantra class, getting some books or new sex toys are all options).

In relationships where I've stopped having sex with my partner, I think there have also been issues of differeing turn-ons. At that time it felt insurmountably different, but in my current relationship I feel that we're both open to exploring each other's ideas, and content to have some differences too.

I also just want to represent for the idea that it's OK for you to not want to be touched on your ladyparts. Lots of dykes have ongoing relationships where one person does most of the touching and one does most of the receiving. I get the feeling that's true for straight and gay male couples too. What I like to do a lot of times is get my girl off and then she cuddles with me while I get myself off. It feels most comfortable and fun to me that way.

By the way, I got that first link - the Felice Newman article - from Wikipedia which has a small but useful entry on Lesbian Bed Death.
posted by serazin at 9:12 PM on December 11, 2006

Previously
posted by null terminated at 9:13 PM on December 11, 2006

From what I've read about LBD, some of the common theories go like "women typically don't initiate as often as men do, with two women, you get a vicious cycle of non-initiation." I've also heard of this emotional "fusion" idea. Apparently the bed death is more common with lesbian couples. We could speculate endlessly about the causes. Some do proclaim it as a myth, but perhaps its not.

I suspect that recognition of the problem is the first step. You'll have to work at it. Just think of it this way - the sex dies off with most couples, it's just earlier (on average) for lesbian couples. Yeah, it's a drag taking something that used to be spontaneous and making it into a conscious effort. The usual "spice up your playtime" rules will apply, and your plumbing may not have much to do with that.

Maybe I should ask my neighbors - they've been together for a few years now.
posted by adipocere at 9:23 PM on December 11, 2006

LBD is real, and it sucks. I'm sorry I don't have any help for you, but I can commiserate. You aren't alone. My partner and I have sex fewer than once a month (after being together 7 years). We are both horny, we want to want to have sex, but we just don't. The thread that null_terminated linked to has some good stuff.
posted by arcticwoman at 9:40 PM on December 11, 2006

Could this go double for two females?
posted by stratastar at 11:01 PM on December 11, 2006

I want to have sex with her parts but don't really want anything going on with my parts anymore. I get performance anxiety because I don't always get off.

Well, that seems to be 50% of the problem right there--you don't want any. Have you talked about this with her, or at least been straightforward about it? How does she feel about the fact that your parts are off limits? I think most people--gay or straight--would have a hard time dealing with a partner that didn't want to be pleasured. That's part of whole equation--the joy of getting your partner off.

You say you don't get off...just not with her, or can you not get off by masturbating, either? Look into why your libido is at rock bottom and see what you can do to change it.
posted by zardoz at 1:05 AM on December 12, 2006

It's because you moved in together. You now see each other any time you want and have access to each other any time you want, so sex is no longer a priority. It happened to me when I first moved in with my SO, and now we've been married for 18 months, so it's not a deal-breaker.

If sex is important to you, sometimes you have to schedule, seriously. And you do have to accept the fact that in most LTRs, sex does diminish.
posted by Brittanie at 1:43 AM on December 12, 2006

After 7 years together my husband and I have sex every day, more frequently on the weekends. Almost all the drive is on his side, while my desire waxes and wanes, but the sex always ends up being phenomenally good. 2 very important notes:

1. He can always arouse me but it takes time, sometimes lots of time. He often uses full body massage as foreplay (we have invested in a galleon jug of pure coconut oil.) He also kisses me a lot, holds my hand, listens to me, compliments me, etc. even when we are not actually in the bedroom.

2. Just lately I have been initiating a lot more because I've been fantasizing a lot more; I've been checking out sex toys (something we have never used) and just looking at pictures and imagining how we would use them has raised my libido considerably.

My point is, how much time and effort do you want to put into having sex? If it is important to you to have a sizzling sex life, it can be done by using imagination. On the other hand, if you just feel like that is too much effort, there is nothing wrong with developing a less physical relationship. This is something you should explore with your partner. Be honest and tell her exactly what you are feeling, your hopes and worries for the future, and see what she thinks.

No right or wrong answer, each relationship must be tailored to the individuals involved.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:41 AM on December 12, 2006

This precise issue is covered in Passionate Marriage.
posted by Araucaria at 3:17 PM on December 12, 2006

I think you will find Mating in Captivity will pretty much explain the phenomena that you are experiencing. Domesticity can cool the most passionate ardour if you don't fight it.
posted by ptm at 3:50 AM on December 14, 2006