How can I meet people like myself: a bit older, still young at heart, and looking for friends?

December 9, 2006 11:19 AM

How can I meet people like myself: a bit older, still young at heart, and looking for friends? Hello, well guess the title pretty much explains my question. I have this problem that I look and feel like I'm 24, but I'm 33 (and a guy, btw).

I think if I was 24 things would be fine. I'd just go back to school, get a p/t job and make friends like that. After all that's what I did back then. But now, I work f/t, I don't meet anyone at work who's at this stage I'm at..; they all either married or already have their longtime group of friends.. but I'm looking for people who haven't really established a group of friends yet.. And I don't think I can go back to hangin out with a bunch of kids. Even though I look like one of them, I just don't want to go through that youthful angst all over again..

Oh and I guess another point is.. I hope I could meet people who's into art or music--that type of stuff-- but I'm really bad at being able to attend those types of events just by myself. So I would hopefully meet them outside of those kind of environments, and then once I meet them I'd feel better going out with them to shows or events.. I just can't go by myself.

And, haha.. sorry.. but one more thing. Something in real life. I've done the online thing already..

Thanks~

posted by 0217174 to Human Relations (16 answers total)

You don't say where you are, and your profile just says SoCal - You might want to take a browse at MeetIn - like MeetUp, but not (IME,YMMV) swamped with greedheads yet.

I've tried posting in Craigslist's Platonic listings, but have had no luck. It's also surprising what some people consider 'Platonic'.

There are also MeFi gatherings occasionally, but you'd have to go to The Grey to find them, and I'm skeered of it. Good luck, and take a flashlight.
posted by Orb2069 at 11:35 AM on December 9, 2006

Greedhead?
posted by geoff. at 12:35 PM on December 9, 2006

Well you're describing my group of friends, which ranges from 22 to 35 in age, all mixed and equal. Muscians, filmmakers, bartenders, IT dudes, really ecclectic educationally. (And in SoCal, btw. Where are you exactly? My email's in the profile, and we're a pretty adventurous bunch.)

One piece of advice I'd give you is don't go looking for 24 year olds. It's creepy and doesn't reflect altogether well on you that you don't relate to people your own age level. It's possible that you don't accurately remember what 24s are like, some are very immature: a mixed group would work better for you. I think that mixture has always helped the younger members of my circle be more socially mature, as it helps the older members unwind and decompress by being around the less encumbered.

You can try your hand at bars. Find a dive with young folks in it, not a super hip bar. Play some pool or something with whoever seems approachable and cool. Couples are a good call here, since many young couples will work together to make a shared new friend feel welcome, and won't feel like you're coming on to either of them or any other such weirdness. Shake hands. Don't push too hard, but don't be afraid to say you're out looking for some friends. Don't assume the first crowd you meet is a match for you or your only shot at this. Once you meet someone you take to, have ideas about fun activities to do, especially inviting people over to your place - a great way to welcome people into your life. My age range still has trouble with not being allowed to have noisy parties as renters, so spreading the location of social gatherings around from night to night is important. Buy some group games, like Taboo or Apples to Apples. I love that shit, personally.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:38 PM on December 9, 2006

In my experience, you can't look for friends. Find something that you want to do for yourself, and look for people there. I don't know enough about art and music to give any suggestions along those lines, but I've found recreational sports to be a great social enabler. You interact with a manageable number of people, on a regular basis, and there's no real pressure to make an immediate social connection.

I'd also try to connect with people who are just moving to the area. Regardless of age, they're obviously mature enough to take care of themselves, but they probably won't have a strong social group. Not sure how you find them, though.
posted by bjrubble at 12:51 PM on December 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

Join a band, but not a classic rock cover band (Provided you play something, of course).

Keeps me overly busy with the crowd (I think) you're asking about.
posted by sourwookie at 1:42 PM on December 9, 2006

The great secret of making friends is that friends are made through shared bad experiences.

No, really. That's what you make so many friends in school, in jobs, and all the rest. It's the whole point of those god-awful 'team building' things. You can't properly make friends with people if you haven't been through something together. Sure, you can go meet some strangers in a bar, but they'll always just be tolerant acquaintances, you know. And you can meet people at hobby/arty things, and it'll be nice, but they won't be the lifelong kind of friends.

If you believe this little theory of mine (admittedly I have many slightly wrong-headed theories, but roll with me here), what you need to do is volunteer to do something difficult -- or even better, somehow be forced to do such a thing, so you have that whole 'we're all in this together' spirit and can make some real friends. I'm not sure what to suggest (I imagine committing crimes and getting banged up in jail is out of the question here), but maybe some kind of charity work could be good for this.

This is either my best left-field answer ever, or totally damn stupid.
posted by reklaw at 1:46 PM on December 9, 2006 [4 favorites]

You gotta get over the aversion to attending cultural events alone. Art openings are pretty easy to go to alone -- it's normal to just browse the art and if you don't end up in conversation with anyone you can slip out without much fuss. And rock shows -- well, those are pretty easy 'cause it's dark and people are drinking.

Continuing education classes. Low-pressure social interaction.

Another good thing: online communities centred on your area of interest. Friendships naturally grow out of this sort of thing, because you have stuff in common.

Take up a sport, like running. There are learn-to-run classes around, or you can join a running club. Runners are pretty inclusive and talking while you run is good for pacing yourself. You also get the added benefits of accountability to motivate you to continue, and getting fitter.
posted by loiseau at 4:37 PM on December 9, 2006

Response by poster: I'm in the South Bay area of Los angeles. So close to the beaches, yet close to tha Hood.. ;P

I think being here really makes me feel bad. Everyone who seems like potential candidates seem so much more socially advanced and have too many friends already, and I'll be honest that intimidates me.. It makes me feel like people really do have one chance at forming a social life, and that was early in hs or college.. Because I have yet to meet one person over 30 who doesn't have a friend they've known longer than a few years.

Ambrosia, if I had more balls I'd hit you up. That's the kind of group I had in mind, I guess what I'm familiar with. But I want to meet peole in reality, all I need is that ONE person to get the ball rollin'.. but that's my prob is I can't get it started. And I have such this awful feeling about myself that if I meet people who seem TOO good then I become more withdrawn and like the grinch of the group..

Man I'm depressed. You know what triggered this? A girl.

Yup. Because every girl I meet has such an amazing social life that it freaks me out to the point of my chest caving in. And it causes me to take inventory of my life, my friend-count (which is zero), my sociability, everything.
posted by 0217174 at 5:12 PM on December 9, 2006

I had a friend in college who was an older student. Older than you. He came back to school, was in it full time, and basically lived as a college student would. He joined a fraternity, hung out with the guys, and made it work. He really did a good job with it. All that to say: You could go back to school (as you mentioned). Although that'd be a pretty expensive way to make friends.
posted by Alt F4 at 5:50 PM on December 9, 2006

Been there, although under separate circumstances. Here's what has been my own experience-

When you're down no one really wants to be your friend. If you're lucky enough to already have friends, the good ones will stick by you. If you don't have any--you get to pull yourself out of your hole. The same goes for dating women. It sucks, I know.

Once you do get out of your hole, and you will, be yourself x10. Get involved in whatever and just keep showing up. The key is consistency. Given your not an ass, you'll end up making friends, and as you said--getting the ball rolling. It takes a very long time to make a good friend(s).

It's taken me over a year to get in with a good group of guys. And I'm not all the way there yet.
posted by vaportrail at 6:13 PM on December 9, 2006

Also--Not sure what you are into, but sports are an excellent method to meet friends.

And, for what it's worth, I was at a bar with a friend--an attractive 29 year old woman who met an older guy sitting at the bar, solo. At the time, she asked me 'Who goes to a (very busy) bar, by himself, orders food and eats?' I replied something to effect of 'someone with confidence.' She sat down next to him, he was a cool guy, they ended up exchanging numbers. My point--The lack of a social life may be irrelevant.
posted by vaportrail at 6:24 PM on December 9, 2006

Greedhead - It apparently rubbed off from Thompson. And that google wound up going to the LGF post about his death. Pearls before swine, indeed.
posted by Orb2069 at 10:04 PM on December 9, 2006

I'm pretty much in your same predicament. I'm 29, in a city of about 105k pop with a university. Most all of the people my age are either married or not looking for hang-outers, and I'm a hangout addict with pretty much nothing to do. I feel like I'm 40-something in comparison to most all of my friends (from the university) who when just coming in are 11 years younger than me on average right off the bat.

Check out whether any local colleges have an auditing feature -- I work nights and to mix it up, audit a few courses during the day at the university (or if you work days, try night classes there). Here, they're just $25/semester per class to be able to sit in and listen, with no roll or grades as proof you were there, just pretty much to learn the material. I made 5 or 6 good friends (some juniors/seniors) while taking the classes and can help them study in some cases, and at the same time am experimenting with learning about various subjects and industries that may strike my whimsy all in one shot. Being in SoCal I would imagine there were loads of schools.
posted by vanoakenfold at 6:50 AM on December 10, 2006

...And I have such this awful feeling about myself that if I meet people...

There's the issue.

You don't like you (when it counts) and others are just following your example.

Some people have the skills to feel like shit about themselves and still create relationships. You are probably not one of those people.

If you have these bad feelings about yourself, your loneliness and Grinchy push-away behavior is completely rational: you're being kind enough to protect people from this low-worth person (you)!

These awful feelings likely come from your internal dialogue. This book has a structured approach to rebalancing internal dialogue that has been "proven" to create bad feelings.

Watch out for that mental circuit that goes "Count friends. If low, berate self, feel bad." Somehow, it's really easy to brutalize ourselves based on some time-count of friends.

Something to consider: Go volunteer somewhere unpleasant, but NOT with the intent of getting something for yourself, ie, friendship. Go with the intent of giving a rather big chunk of your energy, free of ANY expectation of ANY reward, including esteem or appreciation or even self-satisfaction. While working, you might remember something from your own past that was given to you or done on your behalf. Just give to a team that needs help, unidirectionally. Then go back. Several times.

Something else to do: Since blazing a mental path to your own sense of self-respect takes serious energy, get neurochemistry on your side with testosterone: Don't masturbate. Lift weights regularly. I'm not kidding.
posted by Moistener at 8:45 AM on December 10, 2006 [1 favorite]

I second Moistener with dedicating yourself to a difficult cause. The key is your mindset going in. Go in looking to help, and things will eventually fall into place.

I also second his advice on upping testosterone (through natural means). Squatting heavy weight, and lifting in general, has been shown to increase testosterone, which is a primary facilitator for being in a good mood.

In the end the advice about doing something hard with no expectation of reward for yourself follows a simple buddhist type idea of ridding yourself of desire. Stop chasing happiness and it will chase you.

These are somewhat indirect answers to the specific question, but that's because I think the solution to the problem is an indirect one.
posted by zhivota at 12:13 PM on December 10, 2006 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Yeah I used to go mountain biking and bought me some dumbells (Since I hate the gym).. Did that for a few months and it made me feel so much better..

I just don't know how to WANT to be positive during the low times. I guess that's my problem. It's like I know how I should be but I just don't want to, because I become a brat towards myself.. Like by not doing anything proactive is my way of getting back at myself..

I'll try takin a look at that book, thanx moistener. I like your advice at the end too.. kinda cracked me up.
posted by 0217174 at 2:49 PM on December 10, 2006