Living with someone who has depression.com

December 7, 2006 3:51 AM

I need to find the best websites that have helpful information on how to live with someone who suffers from depression.

My friend has suffered from depression for years (is afaik on meds and seeing a psychologist), but is doing really well now (working full-time) and has done for the last couple of years. According to her, her boyfriend (of about 1 year) is uncomfortable talking about feelings (i.e. won't) and reacts with helplessness when her condition worsens (and when she gets overly sensitive, emotional, weepy, etc).

When feeling overwhelmed she says she withdraws, and she wants him to know it's ok to reach out to her then, but doesn't know how to explain this to him herself. So, in short, she'd really like suggestions on good websites that can help him understand and not feel so helpless. Book suggestions are also welcome, but that's probably more useful further down the line. Right now she'd like something short that can help explain it, so that he "gets" it.

posted by esilenna to health & fitness (8 comments total)

Why don't you tell him about it, in her words?
posted by PowerCat at 5:40 AM on December 7, 2006

reacts with helplessness when her condition worsens (and when she gets overly sensitive, emotional, weepy, etc). …
When feeling overwhelmed she says she withdraws, and she wants him to know it's ok to reach out to her then, but doesn't know how to explain this to him herself.

It sound like it’s not okay to reach out to her then, if she gets overly sensitive, emotional, weepy, etc. Unless he’s very sure his intervention will be for the better.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 6:17 AM on December 7, 2006

I've always thought Richard O'Connor was pretty good at explaining the realities of day-to-day life with depression. The first couple of chapters of his book Undoing Depression cover that territory. His website is here, and his tips for living with a depressed person are here.
posted by gnomeloaf at 7:10 AM on December 7, 2006

Why don't you tell him about it, in her words?

I don't know him well enough to talk to him about it. I've only met him once, very briefly. And I'm not a fountain of knowledge when it comes to depression, that's why I asked for help in finding information here...


It sound like it’s not okay to reach out to her then, if she gets overly sensitive, emotional, weepy, etc.

As I understand it, when she is like that, that is precisely when she wants/needs him to hug her, reassure her, comfort her, etc. rather than standing around helplessly and not doing anything.
posted by esilenna at 7:17 AM on December 7, 2006

nami.org has some good resources. for books, peter kramer's against depression is a very readable book that clearly addresses the notion of depression as an illness, and how that differs from everyday "feeling down".
posted by judith at 7:32 AM on December 7, 2006

Depression fallout and the book that the website was based upon "Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and How You Can Preserve the Bond." are excellent. The website has a message board that I frequented for a while during a particularly difficult time with my depressed now-ex boyfriend. There's a range of people posting there, from being married decades to dating for a few months, and some people make things work and others break up with their SOs or are broken up with.

Granted, wading through a message board might not be what you have in mind, but it was amazing for me to read the posts and keep saying "Wow, I know exactly what they're talking about."

I wish you, your friend, and her boyfriend the best of luck. It's so hard to be the "fallout partner" (the non-depressed partner of a depressed person). I hope everyone gets the help they need.
posted by someone else at 11:37 AM on December 7, 2006 [1 favorite]

I second Richard O'Connor's book Undoing Depression. His follow-up, Undoing Perpetual Stress, is great too.
posted by bda1972 at 5:43 PM on December 7, 2006

I had a black dog

Beyond Blue

Mood Gym

Mood gym is a self-paced training program in cognitive behavioural management.
posted by flutable at 3:39 PM on December 8, 2006 [1 favorite]