All I need is the air that I breathe, and to love you. And you. And you...

December 6, 2006 12:26 AM

Help me master the fine art of hooking up. (M4M, but all answers welcome.)

So, I'm a relatively young gay fella who's got a few life changes in store. (Just out of a relationship that wasn't working; moving to a new city next year; celebrating the turn of a decade). I'm excited and optimistic about the future and feel more confident, centered, and content than at any point in my turbulent twenties. I'd like to put some of this joie de vivre to good use in my intimate life. Given the aforementioned move (and the resultant need for string-free engagements), I'd like to ask for your advice on how to square a fun and healthy sex life with the knowledge that I'm going to be packing up in the near-future.

Up until now, I've always slept with people for whom I've had some deeper affinity - shared tastes, interests, values, etc - or with whom I might have otherwise considered a more serious relationship. This is a healthy trend on the one hand, but the new circumstances require an internal paradigm shift that I haven't fully mastered. The operating rules of hooking-up require more objectification and lack of emotional/psychological investment than I'm used to. Although I'm perfectly capable of finding new partners, I still occasionally find myself with the lingering feeling of "hmm, it would be nice if that happened again with that particular person."

So, MeFites, your best advice on hooking up with impunity for a (relative) newbie? How have you modified your emotional habits to accommodate hooking up during those periods of relationship downtime? Can you suggest any new ways of thinking about it that will enable me to free up and enjoy the experience for what it is? I'd like to enjoy the privilege of my youthful looks (and the variety of options provided thereof) while I can.

Other issues get folded into this, of course -- like the no-compromises necessity of safe sex and the need to communicate with hook-up partners about limits, boundaries, and intentions -- but I want to focus on the internal aspects of the question and not the interpersonal ones. (Yet.)

posted by mykescipark to human relations (24 comments total)

bad idea. hooking up washes out your soul.

if its just about sex, do it yourself. don't pretend intimacy because you don't have it. i suspect you are a deeper person than that.

often after a serious relationship people want something shallow. because they hurt.

Life is pain, Highness.
posted by ewkpates at 2:59 AM on December 6, 2006 [1 favorite]

I am a priest, but I am not your priest, YMMV. But I say the same as ewkpates.

As a straight man, I have accidentally fallen in love with prostitutes. I also fell in love with a woman who saw me as a short term, fun fuck buddy. The hurt in these situations is greater than the short-term rush of orgasm with a naked assistant.

Don't generate this kind of negative energy, myke, enjoy pornography and masturbation until you find another good one to keep. Sex is intimacy is love, don't try to get all fancy and post-modern compartmentalising these things.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:34 AM on December 6, 2006 [2 favorites]

often after a serious relationship people want something shallow. because they hurt.

Well, that's a concept I'm familiar with, believe me. I'm no longer the type to go chasing after a short-term salve of that kind, though; I really just want to explore different ways of going through life. I've always been the wallflower and think it's time to start living a bit more - assertively, perhaps, in favor of my own strengths.

Not that hooking up is The Answer to this, but it's a component of my life i'd like to explore. Not to nullify or lay waste to my soul, but just to give it a whirl. I may decide, rather quickly, "yes, this is a total waste of my time," but I'd like to understand the rules of the game. Surely not everyone is catastrophically crippled or an emotional prostitute. That strikes me as a rather knee-jerk moralistic response, n'est-ce pas?

Keep those cards and letters coming... :-)
posted by mykescipark at 3:57 AM on December 6, 2006

I think most cities have various establishments which exist to further "hook up culture." In some cities, like NYC and Miami, the hookup scene is a far greater part of local culture than others, and you'd have an easier time of it in those locales than you would in Manahattan, KS. So, locale is a big part of this, but you're better off in the Boston area, generally, than you would be in much of the U.S.

As an adult gay man, I'd also suspect you're sitting prettier, so to speak, than you would be as a straight guy or a young person trying to work through their first experiences of sexuality. There is an identifiable gay sub-culture of hookup, and I think it's still a big part of the gay club scene in Boston, although you have to work to avoid the meth party crowd. I've no personal experience along these lines, but a guy I know who does says he prefers the live club scene in the city where I live, to the rapidly growing Internet hookup sites, because there is both a component of "WYSIWIG" in meeting someone face-to-face in clubs, and a percieved element of safety in meeting people in places where he's "a regular" and knows other people, even if pretty casually.

So, I think part of the answer to your wants is to get out there, and hit some of the clubs, being careful. I doubt you'll find it as rewarding as sex within a relationship, simply due to the stress of meeting a lot of people, and judging and being judged by many on the basis of pretty limited and superficial information. But there is a certian excitement stemming from constant "newness" that fuels the hookup mentality, and maybe it's enough to justify spending some time and money, that you're willing to explore if you yourself harbor that spark, or not. You'll never know, if you don't get out there.
posted by paulsc at 4:33 AM on December 6, 2006

What ewkpates and meatbomb said - x 20!!

Please don't tell me you actually WANT to be someone, 20 years from now, with an online profile that says something to the effect of "I'm not into the club/circuit/anonymous sex scene anymore - been there done that". If you're just looking to place a check in the block on life's list of phases, this is one you should seriously reconsider skipping.

All too often the gay male is stereotyped as someone incapable of committing to a relationship, seen only as a circuit queen with no sense of community or self-purpose. And that's an internal to the community stereotype - not just a "Will and Grace" one. Unfortunately, that stereotype exists because it really does happen a LOT. Something tells me you're not that type of person.

Sure - go to the clubs! But they're other ways to meet people, good normal run of the mill everyday gay people. Volunteering, sports clubs (not necessarily the gym), church, etc.

If it's just a case of wanting to 'sow your wild oats' before you feel it's too late then fine - date as many guys as you can and let them know up front that you're not looking for a relationship... but if you're just buying into a stereotype then I say grab some porn, lube, and have a gay 'ol time by yourself.

IAAGM (I Am A Gay Man).
posted by matty at 5:15 AM on December 6, 2006

errr... CONSIDER skipping.
posted by matty at 5:15 AM on December 6, 2006

Vacation sex. Somewhere far, far from where you live. Lets you be as romantic and affectionate as you want without any pretense of long-term potential. Friend of a friend or someone you seduce rather than meet in a club is best. Recommend: Italy.
posted by Marnie at 5:36 AM on December 6, 2006

IAAGM speaking from experience. In terms of no-strings hook-up sex, this is what sex clubs, bathhouses, sex parties, orgies, etc were made for. The atmosphere and activities encourage the sensual and allow one to minimize the personal, if desired.

For me personally, I have usually been in a relationship but sometimes have gone out with partner to play in such venues. And other times have been between relationships and have found this to be a welcome diversion. I am also, like you, generally shy and restrained, but have found myself able -- in such a time and place -- to flip a sort of Dionysian "switch" and seriously indulge. Such times can be very good (or not). Allow yourself to explore, and good luck!
posted by Robert Angelo at 5:53 AM on December 6, 2006

Lately I've been finding partners of a type you might like: light and fun with no sequelae. However, these light and fun flings have their own kind of staying power and two of these partners are still around after a year.

The understanding I have with my partners is that such play should be complete in itself, on both sides. There is no pretense of commitment but there is definitely affection and care, and these partners are ones with whom I share a deeper affinity as you say.

Putting these ideas out directly has been working for me.

I'm a bi male; two of my partners are male and two female.
posted by jet_silver at 5:59 AM on December 6, 2006

"So, MeFites, your best advice on hooking up with impunity for a (relative) newbie? How have you modified your emotional habits to accommodate hooking up during those periods of relationship downtime? Can you suggest any new ways of thinking about it that will enable me to free up and enjoy the experience for what it is? I'd like to enjoy the privilege of my youthful looks (and the variety of options provided thereof) while I can.

Other issues get folded into this, of course * * * but I want to focus on the internal aspects of the question and not the interpersonal ones. (Yet.)"

I don't have a lot to offer here, but it seems like the OPer (who's "perfectly capable of meeting new partners") wants more advice on how to get into the right mental mode. I guess the emerging advice is that the context (vacation, clubs) does that automatically? The OPer may want to clarify whether that has been his experience, or whether there remain issues of getting over the hump (so to speak).
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 6:16 AM on December 6, 2006

There is no reason why you should assume your planned relocation excludes you from meeting a potential mate...except that legend has it, you're most likely to meet him when you're not looking.

There is also no reason why you shouldn't have some fun. I don't know what all this moralistic bullshit is doing in AskMe (guidelines, gentlemen, guidelines). Paulsc was kind enough to warn about this 'meth crowd' I've heard about. Goodness! We didn't have that to contend with back in the ancient days, before AIDS spoiled so much fun.

Having a blast as a single gay man isn't going to destroy your soul. However, a steady supply of new sex partners satisfies an animal craving and can be addicting. Perhaps fortunately, there are enough negatives to that scene that it can get old before you do.

The whole limits and boundaries thing, in my experience, is about the bdsm crowd. If that's your thing, fine (and you need different advice), but if not, don't confuse it with more ordinary sexuality. Mostly, you go out where the crowd is gay, and look for what pleases your eye. Look them in the eyes, if they return your gaze, you've gotten to the beginning. It's all about eye contact.

In this process there is also the matte that you're likely to be hit on by those that don't interest you (I saw your myspace photo, they'll be after you). Avoid the eye-gaze with people you aren't wanting to go to bed with, if you're in a place where that's what people are all about. This can be difficult and this is probably the worst thing about what we at least used to call a 'heavy cruising scene'. Just because you don't want to go to bed with someone, doesn't mean they're unworthy to be talked to like worthy humans. It just means you don't want to them to get in the way of your hunt for Mr. Rightnow.

So you get someone hot that returns your gaze. Feel inside yourself for the sizzle of a spark. The hotter the heat between the two of you, the more fun. (Caveat, Here's one of the problems with hooking up: That heat makes safe-sex harder to take care of, your lust encourages risks. The very element of control is antithetical to stoking the heat of the moment. This is what made me abandon the hook up game almost 20 years ago).

The rest is all daring to speak up and quickly discovering whether this hot man is the right kind to suit you. One thing I used to use, that may still be valid, is whether their response is an inclination to leave with you sooner than later. The ones that are more inclined to hang out are either more interested in drinking (assuming you're at a bar) or thinking someone better might come along. Forget them.

Sometimes you can dismiss an interest the moment they speak. You have to both think and feel your emotions at the same time, to make your calculations rapidly. If you're turned off, be aware of it, and back out (hopefully, gracefuly. Even jerks get hurt when you loose interest).

You want to be a decent judge of people by their cover, as it were. Most people have only reasonable intentions, same as yours. Some are more needy than you may want to deal with (or maybe you'll enjoy that, depeding on the need! In my past, I favored the needy and ordinary sort of man, so long as he was polite. I don't like excessively image-concious tools, and as much as I favor the heat, if a guy can't converse, he's done).

I strongly recommend also that you favor those that show an inclination to be affectionate. This is healthy and adds to the pleasure. It also slows things down and provides excellent oppurtunity to examine things, without making that a production. You know, making sure there aren't obvious signs of herpes or other such dangers.

The rest is pretty much mechanical and obvious (or at least it seems so, to me. But I've not played this game in many years) You play by ear and discover what works for the both of you. If you'd like to discuss it, feel free to write. I'm about as safe to talk to as possible, being extremely far away, happily partnered, and old enough to be your father (LOL!).
posted by Goofyy at 6:21 AM on December 6, 2006 [1 favorite]

To comment on Paulsc's early post: ... you'd have an easier time of it in those locales than you would in Manahattan, KS

Im not so sure about that.. Manhattan, KS is where all the dull knives in drawer go to congregate if you catch my drift. You can most likely lure your typical Kansas State University co-ed into bed with a bright shiny object or talk of veterinary science/horse breeding.

I kid. I kid. (I should disclaim that I graduated from a rival college. One that did not steal its mascot from a lame cartoon from the 80's.)
posted by jlowen at 7:10 AM on December 6, 2006

I think that you just need to get yourself out there and not particularly think about it, just be looking for a good time. Go out to clubs, as previously mentioned, "hookup culture" runs strong there, have a few drinks and get on the dance floor.
Whether or not you and a guy you'd be hooking up with have an emotional connection is up to you--I mean, I find it's generally good to like the people you sleep with, that doesn't mean that they're going to be your next boyfriend.
posted by Subcommandante Cheese at 8:35 AM on December 6, 2006

I second Subcommandante Cheese...almost every LTR I know got together in the context of "I don't want anything serious...I'm just going to date for awhile..." You can't control what happens, and if you overthink it, the "allright, musn't get attached" will distract you from the much more important "totally hot guy is flirting with me".

Go out, have fun, and try not to have goals or expectations. And especially in your situation (short-term circumstances that sort of preclude relationship building) I would not worry about the "morality" issue. Flings can be fun, and safe, and satisfying, and blah blah blah etc, and you seem to have a pretty clear idea of what you want/need out of the experience. Have fun!
posted by sarahkeebs at 8:50 AM on December 6, 2006

If you meet guys online, don't chat for more than an email or two before agreeing whether to meet in person.

Talk less, act more, smile loads. Get his phone number but hold off on putting his address on your Christmas card list.

Reimagine your perfect hookup. You might, for instance, decide that physical perfection is more (or less) of a requirement in a one-off than it would be in a potential mate.

Whatever happens, be polite.
posted by methylsalicylate at 8:50 AM on December 6, 2006

Huh. I'm surprised by all the anti-casual-sex sentiment. We can agree that to each his own, yes?

I'm a straight woman and I am pretty sure that gay male sex culture is different. But, I posted an ad on Craigslist "casual encounters" a while ago, so I do know a little something about something.

It was a great experience for me - a huge boost to the ego and I had lots of fun. I'm still friendly with the guys I met. I was picky and made sure they had what I was looking for before I'd agree to meet. If I got a weird vibe at any point (including when meeting) I'd just say I didn't think it was what I was looking for. The ratio of hungry men out there was so in my favour (and I suspect, in your favour too) that I felt very much in control and empowered - something I had never felt as a single woman "out there" in the flesh.

To come around to this idea? Just post an ad - you don't even have to respond to anyone if you decide not to. When you're reading the replies you'll probably get pinged by something.

Use an anonymous webmail account, trust your gut about the people you talk to, don't ignore weird signals (like pressure to meet immediately if you're not that into it), always tell a friend where you'll be, don't be afraid to be very direct/explicit in your introductory emails, and be kind but don't compromise yourself - always remember to look out for #1.

*Don't* talk about your past relationships. It doesn't matter.

Oh - and make sure you get a chance to live out fantasies. This is the best way to do that.

Most of all, have fun and be safe!!
posted by loiseau at 9:06 AM on December 6, 2006

well, hooking up, the whole casual sex thing can be great when you find someone you really just want to jump. but that's what it requires - someone who you really want physically and nothing else at all. otherwise you are opening yourself up for drama. don't lie.

the thing though is, and I do speak from experience here, that after a while you will begin to miss the other aspects of a healthy social life. the talking, the cuddling, the casual presence of the other person. securing one hookup after another is surprisingly tough and you can easily go a while without finding anyone suitable. and then it happens again and you are left thinking "hey, this was great sex! why am I not happy?" it's a rush for a while and then you will miss a different kind of intimacy. I won't judge you for trying it out but I will tell you it won't keep on being the ultimate hedonistic enjoyment you might think it would be.

all that being said: do keep in mind that you are in THE high-risk group if there ever was one. protect yourself and don't fall for the old "he looks clean" idea.
posted by krautland at 9:53 AM on December 6, 2006

and ... polygamy is something different. you mean promiscuity.
posted by krautland at 9:54 AM on December 6, 2006

To offer another in the anti-anti-casual-sex crowd, and as someone who has gone through this phase himself. It can indeed be fun, I found for me personally this was a great time to hookup with a few girls (I'm a straight male) I had known for a while, but whom I was only casual acquaintances with. At the time given that I was going to be moving, everyone knew where the relationship stood, and I (and they!) had a good time. The sex was casual and light, and it gave me a chance to really figure out some stuff about approaching a mate (did you know asking for sex will result in sex a staggeringly large percentage of the time?).

One of the most important lessons of this was that you cannot lead anyone on about what you're looking for. I did have one girl (an ex-girlfriend actually) who thought this was going to lead to something more, despite what I thought was a clear discussion to the opposite, and I'm a bit sad that she ended up as hurt as she did. But overall, it was a good time.
posted by KirTakat at 10:03 AM on December 6, 2006

To prepare yourself for NSA hook ups, you need to take a sort of self-inventory. Prepare yourself for any eventualities and make sure that you are fully ready to undertake such encounters. There is a lot of good advice here already about not leading people on, etc. It can put you and your partner in an uncomfortable or unsafe position if you aren't really sure what you want. Ask yourself some questions:

-Are you prepared for this experience?

-What needs are you trying to meet? Is it purely a sexual need or are you doing this for some other reason (loneliness, to get back at someone, to prove something)?
-How much self-worth do you invest in past sexual/romantic encounters?

-How are you going to meet your NSA partner (craigslist, bars, etc)?

-Are you going to hook up with one person? Will this be a one-time only situation or ongoing?

-How are you going to screen partners to ensure that you are safe at all times?

-Will you sleep with other partners? Will your partner? Are you comfortable informing the other person about your other partners, openly discussing theirs?

-Where/when are you going to hook up? Will you feel comfortable going to a partner's home? Will there be drinking/drug use involved? Can you clearly express that you are un/comfortable with drinking/drug use?

-Can you seperate romance entirely from sex? Are you able to compartmentalize physical intimacy with emotional intimacy? Think of it the way you would think of having an acquaintance give you a massage - there's no deeper meaning or feeling to the touch other than you're making each other feel good.

-What are your boundaries? Can you clearly and directly express these needs outside of the context of a romantic relationship? (example: do you feel comfortable kissing/cuddling with someone you aren't emotionally involved with?) Should your partner have such boundaries (ie: no kissing, no phone calls/emails, no social encounters) are you truly comfortable with it? Will it make you feel hurt or rejected?

-How do you plan to create/emphasize emotional distance? Will you be able to objectively 'take stock' of the situation to ensure that either of you aren't developing feelings?

The main point is communicate as much as you can, both to yourself and with your partner. Make it clear you're not in town for long, that there is no possibility for a relationship, and don't be offended when they do the same.

As a side note I'd like to add that I, too, find it strange and alarming that people are completely ignoring the OP's question - "how can I prepare myself to do this" and are focusing instead on a different question - "should I do this?" I don't see that the OP asked anyone whether he should, whether it would be good for him to do, or what their opinion on the choice in his personal life is. Unsolicited moralizing, however you justify it, is really not an appropriate answer.
posted by SassHat at 10:22 AM on December 6, 2006

I'd say to approach it without too many expectations. Clear communication is a very good thing, but scripting and micromanaging an encounter probably isn't. So long as you're enjoying yourself and playing safe, I think it helps approach such experiences without a lot of preconceived ideas about how they're going to play out -- the spontaneity is (or can be) an essential part of the fun.

FWIW, I also thought I'd throw this out there as a counter to some of the "casual sex will eat your soul or at least make you sad and lonely" chatter -- a friend of mine met his partner (8 years now) at a sex club. Story goes they had sex before speaking a word, chatted for awhile afterwards, traded numbers, lost track of one another for a year, ran into each other again at different sex club, and have been together ever since. Moral of the story, I guess, is that even casual encounters are still human encounters and, as such, aren't always as neatly categorize-able as we tend to think they are.

(And I realize this is a bit off-topic but don't forget your hepatitis vaccines. A lot of young, sexually active gay men overlook these, but hep is out there and is a real concern).
posted by treepour at 10:34 AM on December 6, 2006

I suspect that the reason you have received so many "don't do it, man!" responses is that you sound fairly tentative -- like this is an experience you should want to have, but don't, not really. You seem inclined to listen to some AskMe shoulder-angel input. But I hope you are open to shoulder-devil input, too, because I think having sex with strangers is a really good idea.

Not because it is not the fraught-with-emotional-freight, caring-sharing experience you had in your love relationships, but because it is. Only with a stranger. Some random guy you will never see again. Who probably likes bad music or votes incorrectly. You meet someone, you like the way he looks or carries himself, you see in his eye some spark of shared humanity -- and you see that all these checklists you usually have don't matter. All these ways you have to intellectualize things and judge people and keep them out, you just... set them aside for now. It's liberating. You are not the judge of human worth, trying to predict this chess game to the end -- you just an organism, doing your organism thing.

Haven't you ever had a surprisingly real connection with someone on the train, or waiting in line at the DMV? I don't mean someone you would date; I mean some grandma or teenager or just random person with whom you share a nice moment. Well, casual sex is like that, only naked, and you come. For however long it lasts -- it is love. It's pure -- you just trust someone, offer him what you have to offer and take what he has to give. You feel like Gandhi, only naked, and you come.

It is certainly true that he could give you herpes or HIV. It is certainly true that he could beat you up and take your wallet. It is also true that he could cut off your arms and throw you in a ditch. But life is taking chances, and there is something really beautiful about deciding to trust so completely someone you don't know at all. And you come.
posted by Methylviolet at 1:43 PM on December 6, 2006 [4 favorites]

It is certainly true that he could give you herpes or HIV. It is certainly true that he could beat you up and take your wallet. It is also true that he could cut off your arms and throw you in a ditch. But life is taking chances, and there is something really beautiful about deciding to trust so completely someone you don't know at all. And you come.

Well, actually, i think this depends on how you do it. Namely, seeing that you're living in the Boston area, easy option is to just go to Embassy on Newbury tmorrow night. Hottest guys in Boston, very easy to go home with someone you meet on the dance floor. You probably know this already, but just go out and do it. Be safe, all that stuff, but yeah, I think the personal safety aspect of it isn't that big a problem in that context.

Also, I'm going to disagree with the "make a list" comment. Again, i think that's overthinking this--just know that you don't have to marry the guy just because he's hot and you like him. Hell, maybe you will like him a lot, and maybe you will make something more out of it, but hey, in the words of the immortal bard (Smokey Robinson), you gotta shop around.

...and you come.
posted by Subcommandante Cheese at 7:41 PM on December 6, 2006

did I say Newbury? I meant Landsdowne. Duh. Sorry, I've been away from the city for the last 4 months.
posted by Subcommandante Cheese at 2:53 AM on December 7, 2006