Is having two kids more than twice as hard as having one?
December 1, 2006 5:23 AM Subscribe
Child number two will be born in about a month and a half. Any advice for making the jump from having just one kid to having multiple?
How old is child #1? That makes all the difference, right there.
posted by kafziel at 6:01 AM on December 1, 2006
posted by kafziel at 6:01 AM on December 1, 2006
Response by poster: Child #1 will be six in April. But man, she's spoiled. She's used to being #1, let me tell you. So much so that when I got remarried it's caused a lot of issues. For instance, if I don't kiss her goodbye first she'll throw a fit.
posted by taumeson at 6:32 AM on December 1, 2006
posted by taumeson at 6:32 AM on December 1, 2006
I have to second the idea of spending time with #1. Make sure you have time with the whole family, but take time to make her feel special on her own, as well as with the new addition.
Enjoy them :D
posted by ampersand2001 at 7:00 AM on December 1, 2006
Enjoy them :D
posted by ampersand2001 at 7:00 AM on December 1, 2006
Biggest hurdle for us was that there was no longer much chance for "Ok - you go do your own thing for a while, and I will take care of the kid." - which was great for keeping both parents sane, by giving each of us a chance to do our own thing on an almost daily basis. Now you are matched 1 for 1 with the kids, and once the infant is 1 or 2 years old, you will definitely feel the loss of your own personal time. (Under age 1, our kids slept enough that things were still somewhat easy.)
Not really sure that we have solved this - I keenly miss my personal time still, and our kids are 6 and almost 3. But now that our kids can play together a bit more (recent change), I think the ease with which one parent can handle both kids for lengths of time will increase soon, and we will get back the chance to give each other personal time again (regularly).
Parents with more than 2 kids are probably laughing at me - just the way my wife and I laugh at folks with one kid who complain how hard it is....
Only advice I can give is to be aware of this change, and try to do some time management and planning for personal time, however corny that sounds.
posted by chr1sb0y at 7:39 AM on December 1, 2006
Not really sure that we have solved this - I keenly miss my personal time still, and our kids are 6 and almost 3. But now that our kids can play together a bit more (recent change), I think the ease with which one parent can handle both kids for lengths of time will increase soon, and we will get back the chance to give each other personal time again (regularly).
Parents with more than 2 kids are probably laughing at me - just the way my wife and I laugh at folks with one kid who complain how hard it is....
Only advice I can give is to be aware of this change, and try to do some time management and planning for personal time, however corny that sounds.
posted by chr1sb0y at 7:39 AM on December 1, 2006
Best answer: Only advice I have is stress her big sis role, so she feels like it's her baby too, instead of an interloper. The fact that there is a stepparent involved may make this dicier.
Mine were way too close together to have to deal with this. But the good news is most little girls love babies, and she can be very helpful fetching diapers, etc.
One thing I have heard of that is helpful is to bring home a present "from the baby" when you bring it home from the hospital.
posted by konolia at 8:06 AM on December 1, 2006 [1 favorite]
Mine were way too close together to have to deal with this. But the good news is most little girls love babies, and she can be very helpful fetching diapers, etc.
One thing I have heard of that is helpful is to bring home a present "from the baby" when you bring it home from the hospital.
posted by konolia at 8:06 AM on December 1, 2006 [1 favorite]
Also, have the new baby "bring" a gift for the 6 year old. Hide it in the crib the first time she goes to see her sister. Everybody will be bringing gifts and fussing over the new baby, so the 6 year old will feel left out.
We had child # 2 at home when Child # 1 was 7 years old and used to us all to herself. Because it was a home birth she was allowed as much access as she was comfortable with, and actually ended up at the birth. What she found most amazing however, was a wrapped favorite toy under the crib which we "discovered". She has always been more protective than jealous (may have to do with #2 being a boy)
Good luck
posted by Wilder at 8:08 AM on December 1, 2006
We had child # 2 at home when Child # 1 was 7 years old and used to us all to herself. Because it was a home birth she was allowed as much access as she was comfortable with, and actually ended up at the birth. What she found most amazing however, was a wrapped favorite toy under the crib which we "discovered". She has always been more protective than jealous (may have to do with #2 being a boy)
Good luck
posted by Wilder at 8:08 AM on December 1, 2006
The biggest shock we had (and ours were only 23 months apart) was how exhausting the nights can be. We had totally forgotten about late night feedings, soothing the baby and whatnot. After the first night home with #2 we were wiped.
With 6 years to forget about that, it might be a bit of a shock when you're first confronted with it.
posted by smcniven at 8:09 AM on December 1, 2006
With 6 years to forget about that, it might be a bit of a shock when you're first confronted with it.
posted by smcniven at 8:09 AM on December 1, 2006
Indeed... work on keeping kid #1 from feeling left out. Also, if you can, work on unspoiling kid #1, because that will cause LOTS of issues in the future with kid #2 :)
posted by antifuse at 8:21 AM on December 1, 2006
posted by antifuse at 8:21 AM on December 1, 2006
Best answer: I also think you should try to make her feel like she the big sister who needs to help. Don't make it a chore, but mention that the baby will need a LOT of help and it will take a very SMART and GROWN-UP girl to help out with the baby. Basically, butter her up a bit. Also, take the time to let big sis do things with the baby under your supervision even if they take longer and are more frustrating. Like let her bathe the baby once in a while, under your supervision. Your first daughter will make a terrible mess, but letter her do it herself will be a big deal. My daughter is 6 now and man, she LOVES doing stuff herself.
But also give some time to be with just you with no baby around so she doesn't feel like she's cut off from you.
posted by GuyZero at 8:31 AM on December 1, 2006
But also give some time to be with just you with no baby around so she doesn't feel like she's cut off from you.
posted by GuyZero at 8:31 AM on December 1, 2006
Ours are almost 7 years apart with our daughter the older one. Would just echo the good advice above: hopefully you've been involving her in the pregnancy all along so she feels like it will be "her baby" too. Our daughter tends to go a bit overboard at times, turning into "Mama Junior" to amusing effect. Definitely make one-on-one time with yours, even when you want to just be alone.
You mentioned a remarriage; without knowing the details, I would just suggest being aware that there might be additional issues with the baby representing a bond between you and the new wife that your daughter doesn't share.
Incoherant today, sorry.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 9:03 AM on December 1, 2006
You mentioned a remarriage; without knowing the details, I would just suggest being aware that there might be additional issues with the baby representing a bond between you and the new wife that your daughter doesn't share.
Incoherant today, sorry.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 9:03 AM on December 1, 2006
Yes, I agree. Your daughter is just about the age to be "a mother's helper." So take advantage of that.
When we were considering having a second, my wife said "how much more work could a second one be? You make breakfast for one, you make breakfast for two." Ha! That turned out to be a dream. You make one breakfast for one and the other wants a completely different breakfast. -grin
We were told having a second isn't twice as much work as one --it's about 10,000 times as much work! Of course, we didn't listen. Our two are like night and day. So it goes. We still love both of them.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 9:24 AM on December 1, 2006
When we were considering having a second, my wife said "how much more work could a second one be? You make breakfast for one, you make breakfast for two." Ha! That turned out to be a dream. You make one breakfast for one and the other wants a completely different breakfast. -grin
We were told having a second isn't twice as much work as one --it's about 10,000 times as much work! Of course, we didn't listen. Our two are like night and day. So it goes. We still love both of them.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 9:24 AM on December 1, 2006
When I'm helping the big brother and the baby starts fussing, I say "Just a minute, baby. I'm helping your brother right now. Wait your turn." She's too little to understand what I'm saying, but her big brother hears me.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:04 AM on December 1, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:04 AM on December 1, 2006 [1 favorite]
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber is a classic. Highly recommended.
posted by selfmedicating at 10:12 AM on December 1, 2006
posted by selfmedicating at 10:12 AM on December 1, 2006
The big difference between one kid and two for us was laundry-- honestly it multiplied exponentially, esp. given that the new addition spent much of his first year scantily clad in a dipe and onesie.
I totally concur with the big-sister emphasis advised above. You will be amazed how she will rise to the occasion. However, and this is key, try your damnedest not to apologize for having a baby, even once. First off, you're giving her the best (though most complicated) gift you ever could*; and secondly, she could hear the apology as you granting her a license to resent the baby and blame it. It's hard at first, because babies are pretty blobby at first and she's a full-blown personality who can ask for what she needs-- you'll want to apologize that you can't do what she wants when she wants all the time, but don't apologize about having the baby. You're a family now, not just two adults serving one child.
* I'm one of five kids and my elderly mother's health is shaky and without my sisters, I don't know how I'd get through. I'm so happy they had more than one kid.
posted by eve harrington at 10:14 AM on December 1, 2006
I totally concur with the big-sister emphasis advised above. You will be amazed how she will rise to the occasion. However, and this is key, try your damnedest not to apologize for having a baby, even once. First off, you're giving her the best (though most complicated) gift you ever could*; and secondly, she could hear the apology as you granting her a license to resent the baby and blame it. It's hard at first, because babies are pretty blobby at first and she's a full-blown personality who can ask for what she needs-- you'll want to apologize that you can't do what she wants when she wants all the time, but don't apologize about having the baby. You're a family now, not just two adults serving one child.
* I'm one of five kids and my elderly mother's health is shaky and without my sisters, I don't know how I'd get through. I'm so happy they had more than one kid.
posted by eve harrington at 10:14 AM on December 1, 2006
Something else to consider (re: not apologizing) is that the big sis has had six years of undivided attention from you (and, a bit, from her stepmom). That's something the new baby will never get. Obviously, that's not something to explain to the big sister, but it might assuage any feelings of guilt you have about what you're taking away from her.
We've got babies 2 and 3 coming, also in about two months. Something we've done to prepare is to get carseats, cribs, playareas, etc. shifted around now, so there's less acclimation required of the big sister once we come home from the hospital.
Also, everyone tells me that it's good to commit to a date night for you and your wife on a regular basis (once a week, once a month, something like that). Honestly, though, we can't even do that with one, let alone three. If you can get into that habit now, you might be able to keep it going when number two comes along.
posted by Alt F4 at 1:12 PM on December 1, 2006
We've got babies 2 and 3 coming, also in about two months. Something we've done to prepare is to get carseats, cribs, playareas, etc. shifted around now, so there's less acclimation required of the big sister once we come home from the hospital.
Also, everyone tells me that it's good to commit to a date night for you and your wife on a regular basis (once a week, once a month, something like that). Honestly, though, we can't even do that with one, let alone three. If you can get into that habit now, you might be able to keep it going when number two comes along.
posted by Alt F4 at 1:12 PM on December 1, 2006
One thing that we think helped a lot when our almost-five year old was preparing for a baby brother was naming rights. Big brother got exclusive rights to the newcomer's middle name (with parental veto power, of course). He quickly came up with a perfectly acceptable name and felt much positive ownership because of it.
posted by lhauser at 2:29 PM on December 1, 2006
posted by lhauser at 2:29 PM on December 1, 2006
I can't work out how a six-year-old wanting a kiss goodbye from her parent is in any way "spoiled".
When the second baby comes, the eldest will be, in some ways, supplanted. She might have some really valid feelings about this, and I think mirroring them to her - "Sometimes the older kid feels like the baby is taking Mommy and Daddy's attention away, but you'll always be our special girl", etc - is a much more helpful way of dealing with this than the boisterous denial some people employ - "Nonsense! You're a big girl now. You don't need us as much as the baby."
Congrats on the new addition! :)
posted by thehmsbeagle at 4:35 PM on December 1, 2006
When the second baby comes, the eldest will be, in some ways, supplanted. She might have some really valid feelings about this, and I think mirroring them to her - "Sometimes the older kid feels like the baby is taking Mommy and Daddy's attention away, but you'll always be our special girl", etc - is a much more helpful way of dealing with this than the boisterous denial some people employ - "Nonsense! You're a big girl now. You don't need us as much as the baby."
Congrats on the new addition! :)
posted by thehmsbeagle at 4:35 PM on December 1, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
My main advice would be to make it a point to make time for child #1 - just him/her and you. I can sometimes see it in my boy's eyes that I'm neglecting him in favor of the cute/cuddly newcomer. It is, after all, more fun to interact with a baby than a hyper toddler, most of the time. But try to do something with #1 every few days, some way to single him/her out and make them feel special. Reinforce the idea that he/she will always be the first, and nobody can ever change that.
posted by jbickers at 5:32 AM on December 1, 2006