Do I cut my brother off?

November 29, 2006 8:20 AM

At what point should I stop helping my college-aged brother with homework? I feel like I made him reliant on my help, so how can I sever this without hurting his feelings or his GPA?

My baby brother is a sophomore in college and while I love him dearly, he is starting to be a drain on my patience and time. I feel like I dug my own grave when I started helping him with his papers while he was in high school through emails and phone calls, since he was struggling with his grades, especially in English/Literature. I started helping him edit his papers and giving him suggestions since I have a BA in English and wanted to see him succeed. After graduation, he moved to my city and started attending a fairly well-regarded school and the help I offered him in high school has now progressed into helping him do the research, writing portions of the paper for him, doing his structured works cited, and doing vast overhauling of his poorly written rough drafts for a majority of his assignments that involve papers, not just English courses.

I know I created a monster, so I feel very responsible for the fact that he feels very floundered when writing a paper by himself. He is doing mediocre in school, around a C+/B- average and excels at his major, Geography, but his writing skills are dismal.

I’m at a loss. Should I continue helping him with his homework? If not, should I just cut him off completely, throwing him to the wolves? On a very selfish note, this really cuts into my free-time and has become a burden on my time and patience, but I feel obligated to help, since he is family and I am the source of his reliance. Involving our parents is not an option.

posted by banannafish to human relations (27 comments total)

Does his school have a writing center? Pushing him in that direction may be a good start.
posted by k8t at 8:25 AM on November 29, 2006

My advice is to teach him to start drawing on other sources. Explain to him that you're not always the guru for every topic and that there are many more knowledgeable out there. He needs to be able to work with others and evaluate constructive feedback from his peers: you should tell him that as well and explain that when he's out in the work environment you won't always be there to help him. He might be shy about speaking to his professors or other students, but that's the only way he'll be able to succeed in a professional environment.

He may be upset at first, but once he rids himself of his over-reliance on you and becomes more independent, he'll be thankful for it.
posted by Aanidaani at 8:25 AM on November 29, 2006

Time to push him out of the nest.

I suggest you tell him he should only come to you for help with a "completed" draft that he is considering turning in and that you will offer your comments on that next to final draft and nothing after that. He will either find help elsewhere or will learn how to succeed on his own.
posted by milarepa at 8:26 AM on November 29, 2006

Does his school have a writing center? In the schools I've attended their they're usually based out the library and designed specifically to help students like your brother. I'd suggest you broach it to him like this: Tell him sincerely that you are worried that rather than helping him, you are weakening the development of his writing skills, and that you think he should get help at the writing center from people who have the training that you don't have in education and skill development.
Good luck!
posted by Sara Anne at 8:27 AM on November 29, 2006

I think by helping him you are actually not helping him. But I'm sure you already knew that. You know, some people just suck at writing. If I were in your position, I would draft some sort of model for him to rely on when writing a paper - maybe make a manual on how to write and research a paper and give that to him. That way he won't be left to the wolves but will have some instruction on how to proceed. Tell him that he needs to fly on his own and give him the manual and then leave the situation alone. Best of luck to you and to him!
posted by Sassyfras at 8:28 AM on November 29, 2006

First up, banana-salmon, that's really nice of you to help your bro out so much. Even though you're getting impatient, it shows good character and I bet Banana Junior really appreciates it.

I'm all about transparency. I'd suggest heading out for lunch with College Banana, and telling him straight up. "I love helping you, and seeing you improve. But it's getting to be a big drain on my time and patience, and I'm not sure if we can continue doing this. Besides, you're in second year now, and you're gonna have to learn to do a lot of this on your own." And I guess it's important to not sound like a patronizing jackass as you say that.

I'd say the research, the works cited and the actual "writing portions of the paper" should stop first. He needs to do that himself. NEEDS to, because I feel like that's a pretty clear form of cheating (on his part). Going over rough drafts, when you have time, is probably fine. I know it's hard not to get your hands dirty when reading poorly written academic shit, but do your best to stick with straight-up proofreading, and just correct the grammar and spelling. No more "vast overhauling" (a phrase, which, incidentally, sounds very piratey).

If he needs further help, three things come to mind:
* School-endorsed writing centres could assist him (like Sara-Anne said)
* Hiring a tutor is always a good step.
* Finding other college-age peers to assist him is also healthy. (Like Aanidaani said)

Hope it works out, B-Fish.

(And pardon the redundance of my reply. Preview reveals that I took too long writing it and everybody else beat me to the pertinent advice.)
posted by Milkman Dan at 8:31 AM on November 29, 2006

I think milarepa's got it. You need to set guidelines on what it is that you will do, and giving suggestions on a final draft sounds quite reasonable. Writing parts of his papers does not. He must realise this as well. Sit down with him and explain your position.
posted by keijo at 8:36 AM on November 29, 2006

If it's not a lecture hall class, professors will often critique drafts and give suggestions for how to improve. I've always thought that this sort of effort (coming to every class, being engaged, asking for help) translates into a better grade no matter what.

Of course, I've also heard horror stories about uncooperative and unhelpful profs, so ymmv.
posted by cowbellemoo at 8:44 AM on November 29, 2006

If he is a sophomore in college and has trouble writing a paper unassisted then he has problems. I say cut him off cold turkey and point him to tutoring resources at his college. If it's as well-regarded as you say it should have ample support services, and they should be sufficiently trained to assist without actually doing the work for him as you have been. Don't let him get away with someone else doing it for him, not even a little. It's college for heaven's sake.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:58 AM on November 29, 2006

Oh and as for feelings of guilt on your part, just clearly tell him that the training wheels must come off, that he needs to learn this for himself, and that it's sucking down a lot of your spare time. The old "it's for your own good" line sounds like a load of parental BS but it's not, and it's used so much because it's true.
posted by Rhomboid at 9:03 AM on November 29, 2006

"I'm sorry, little bro, but I just don't have the time right now to look anything over for you. If you sent it to me now, I probably wouldn't be able to get back to you for two weeks. Maybe you can have a friend or the writing center look it over?"

Try setting these long-term deadlines with him. This keeps him from using you day-to-day, but you avoid having to 'dump' him completely. Any paper he drafts with a two-week buffer is one he can easily edit himself.
Also, It's OK for you to ALWAYS be too busy. Most people are.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 9:09 AM on November 29, 2006

Funny, funny, I just got an email with the subject: "HELP PLEASE; NOW!" from him with a disaster attached. Funniest thing - the paper is about academic dishonesty.

I think I'm going to try a couple of different approaches, give him deadlines if I'm going to help him, only help with nearly-finished or completely finished drafts and push him the way of the writing center. I called his school and asked about a tutoring program and they said he would have to enroll himself, but I got the name and number of a person he should contact.

ughhh I'm such a doormat :(
posted by banannafish at 9:14 AM on November 29, 2006

+1 Sassyfras

Bananafish, it's clear you know that by helping him, you aren't helping him in the long run. You also have a right to feel disappointed that he hasn't taken advantage of your help to improve his own writing, and clearly, at this point, unless you change directions with him, he's not going to.

Clearly your brother needs help with composition. Either a class, an extracurricular workshop, or informal sessions with you. But this would mean more work for him, not less. He's gotten used to doing less work, and you'll need to give him a slap in the face (metaphorical or actual, as needed). You know the saying: give a man a bananafish, he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime.

Tell him A) he needs to learn how to write; B) this means more work for him, not less; C) you will help him with that or help him find others who will; D) you will not write or edit another word of his assignments.
posted by adamrice at 9:23 AM on November 29, 2006

I'm actually surprised he does well at Geography with poor writing skills. My geography degree required way more writing than a friend's political science degree—so this is a problem that he needs to address.

You mentioned that he doesn't know how to structure a works cited page--is the issue that he just doesn't know HOW to write a paper? If he was never taught, the process of research can seem esoteric and overwhelming. Basic freshman English classes (which he likely has to take) usually go over this kind of stuff. At the very least, he can avail himself of the university writing center, as others have mentioned.

Buy him a copy of Strunk & White this Xmas.

However, as I'm sure you know, at no time should you be writing ANY part of his papers for him. At most schools, that's considered academic dishonesty and can get him in a world of trouble.
posted by timetoevolve at 9:34 AM on November 29, 2006

I just got an email with the subject: "HELP PLEASE; NOW!" from him with a disaster attached.

You do a good chunk of his academic school for him, and he has the audacity to approach you this way? Sounds like "baby" brother isn't as young, naive and helpless as you'd prefer to think. This is a grown man. Cut him off.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:11 AM on November 29, 2006 [2 favorites]

Just tell him that you dont have time to do his work for him. I would suggest that you point him in the direction of the writing center, which it seems you are already doing. Also stand firm on not doing his work, by all means proof read his material, but tell him that you will not change anything for him, only give him suggestions.

That is what I do with my g/f, who while brilliant in many ways (double major) does not have the best written grammer, and it works out well.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:26 AM on November 29, 2006

Oh, the irony.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:26 AM on November 29, 2006

Funny, funny, I just got an email with the subject: "HELP PLEASE; NOW!" from him with a disaster attached

This leads into one of my techniques for dealing with people who are too quick to turn to me for assistance - being conveniently 'busy' when they come to me and not responding as quickly as I could. Part of the problem is that it's easier to come to you for assistance than to learn the skills to help himself.

Telling people "google can tell you this quicker than I can" was never as effective as being demonstrably slower than google. In your case maybe you need to combine showing (slow responses) with telling ("you need to become a little more self-reliant here - I don't have to time to do this much work on your stuff")
posted by phearlez at 10:36 AM on November 29, 2006

I'm glad you marked Milkman Dan's answer as best, because he's nailed the most pertinent point--it's simply unethical for you to "[write] portions of the paper for him." Family and personal issues aside, you do realize that if caught, your brother could be censured, or even expelled for this kind of infraction? Perhaps that's the most compelling reason of all for you to stop "helping" him.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 11:17 AM on November 29, 2006

One possibility is that you could restrict what you do to written comments on drafts. That is, you should never ever be editing files for him, at this point. I think if you set this rule and stick to it, it could solve a lot of problems. It will also require him to get the draft to you in a timely fashion, allowing himself enough time to make the changes. This seems important because to be honest, from the description in the question and then of the email he just sent you, I don't think he's putting a lot of effort into these papers, and he's probably spending most of his time doing the other sorts of things college students do. He probably spends an hour or two at the last minute banging out whatever he can manage, and then turns it over to you. You are quite possibly spending more time on the papers than he is.

This would also solver the academic integrity problem, and I agree there is definitely a problem. If he was found out, there would probably be serious repercussions for not just the class, but his college career. A lot of undergrads who cheat don't realize this, but it is true. And I think as he starts taking upper level classes in his major, where the class sizes are small and he meets with the teachers one-on-one, it's going to become apparent to his teachers that he isn't nearly as articulate as you are making him seem. It may already be apparent to some of them, from the difference between his writing on in-class essay exams and papers. So I think he is really positioned for a big fall here.
posted by advil at 11:30 AM on November 29, 2006

Bananafish, you are on the right track with your plans in the second post. And many have posted what to do next.

I'll add that he should be asking all his teachers he's writing papers for what he can do to improve them afterwards. They will tell him exactly what they want to see. He should especially ask his advisor, or another professor in the Geography department to help him with his writing.....they will be major-specific in their critiques. Notice I didn't say you should do anything.....getting that number for the tutoring program should be the last major thing you do besides a long chat with him.

I've got a bachelors, almost a second one, and a masters degree. I was in majors that required papers continuously. I can't spell worth a darn. It's my weakness, and something I work at everyday. College is also about learning how to teach yourself..... it's your brother's chance. How much help you give or don't from here on will depend on how he responds to you making him take back the responsibility for his success in writing.

Best of luck for both of you.
posted by mattfn at 11:31 AM on November 29, 2006

Buy him a copy of Strunk & White this Xmas.

No. It's a bad book and it's not what he needs. He needs discipline and practice, and he can only get those if you withdraw from the scene—lovingly but firmly.
posted by languagehat at 12:18 PM on November 29, 2006

--how can I sever this without hurting his feelings or his GPA?

You probably can't. But you should anyway. Try to imagine having to do his work for him after he graduates from college and starts working.

He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself and his own work, and he needs to learn as soon as possible. If you can point him towards alternate resources, like writing courses at his college, that may help. But if you can't say no to him, it'll always be easier for him to get help from you than to learn to write on his own. (If you have trouble saying no--not just to your brother--try reading When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.)

You're not responsible for keeping him from failing out of school. He is.
posted by russilwvong at 12:46 PM on November 29, 2006

I agree with Milkman Dan. The first thing I thought when I read this was 'What's his institution's policy on academic dishonesty?'

It's one thing to read a draft and offer your thoughts on it, it's quite another to do the works cited, part of the research, or write a portion of the paper. One good reason you should stop doing this now is, as others have pointed out, so that he doesn't run into any academic dishonesty issues. And you're right that you do him no favors by teaching him to rely on you to do his work.

I think the best way to stop is just sit him down, and tell him, honestly, all the reasons you're no longer comfortable doing this. If he's the least bit reasonable, he may be upset, but he will probably also see that you're right, for all the reasons you outline and all the reasons stated above in the thread.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 1:44 PM on November 29, 2006

Everyone else has good advice, and it sounds like you know what you need to do. He is a grown-up and needs to do his own work. You are not helping him by being so willing to "help" -- you're allowing him to avoid learning, allowing him to remain a child. When he enters the work world, he will be judged on what he can do by himself, and it sounds like he'll be judged pretty harshly. (Although I can understand how you've gotten into this mess through the purest of motives.)

Check out this this book review (the first of the books reviewed there) of a book on how to say no (NSFW warning: that page has a dirty word in big letters). It might be useful if you're finding yourself in this kind of situation in other parts of your life.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:27 PM on November 29, 2006

Just to second all of the good advice above:

1. If you don't cut him off now, in a few years, you will be doing his job for him.

2. It's that time of year when Santa comes down the chimney and gives all of the college students term paper and exam deadlines, and if you don't act right now, it is going to be hell the next couple of weeks.
posted by 4ster at 5:34 PM on November 29, 2006

(I'm a junior in college and an English major myself. I have a younger brother who often wants/needs help with the same stuff, although he's in high school.)

Writing parts of his paper for him really has to stop immediately. That's the biggest problem. There really can't be any delaying on this issue -- writing for him has to end now, no matter what.

I know that at most schools, it's time for the fall semester's exams and final papers. I have this stress in spades myself, and I know your brother may panic when he finds out you won't be writing for him anymore. Until the end of this semester, I say you should continue helping him with researching, editing, and citing his papers.

After he's turned them all in and come home for winter break, tell him that the other services you've provided will be fading out, too. He will face the spring semester with a support team that doesn't involve you anywhere near as heavily.

It's very easy to write up a page of citations. There's no reason he can't do this unless he has extremely severe disorders. He is taking advantage of you because he doesn't want to be bothered to do the work. You've done it for years; you know what it involves -- flipping a few pages and finding out the city of publication is the toughest part. This is the first task he should begin doing alone. Refer him to websites that make the formatting a non-issue (my favorite's EasyBib).

The next thing he needs to work on is editing. Like everyone's mentioned, there will be a college learning center or writing center -- different schools have different names, but it's the same thing. He needs to write papers well before the due date, and then have them evaluated by tutors there. They should be responsible for the "vast overhauling." If he feels more comfortable having you check -- for spelling, grammar, typos, whatever -- one last time, after they do, I don't think that's excessive. And because you're not going to be working on the structure or arguments, just on the little stuff, it shouldn't be too much of a burden for you.

I personally think that helping with research is fine. Doing it for him -- getting books, copying pages, highlighting sections -- is not fine. But there's nothing wrong with helping him identify sources that could be relevant, as long as he reads and evaluates them and decides what to use. If he has trouble doing that, he should make an appointment with a research librarian or attend a one-time research class offered by the library.

So by the end of next semester, you'll be helping him identify books that might be relevant, you'll probably be casually discussing his thesis a little, and you'll be doing one pass of very light editing. When he comes back in the fall, if you like, you can suddenly be assigned a heavier workload and find yourself unable to help with those things.

Remember, under this plan, you won't be doing the work, but it won't be going undone. Your brother will be doing most of it, but he will be supported by professionals who will be helping him more than you're able to right now.
posted by booksandlibretti at 8:45 PM on November 29, 2006