So, um, you wanna, like, hang out sometime or, uh, whatever?

November 16, 2006 11:38 AM

Last month, I went to a conference at a college near mine. While I was there, I happened to have dinner with a group that included a girl I found myself very attracted to. Since the conference, she has facebooked me, but we haven’t talked or exchanged emails otherwise. I also spoke with a mutual friend (they went to high school together) who thinks we’d hit it off. So my question to you is: would it be really weird if I emailed this girl and asked her out, even though we a.) have only had dinner once and b.) haven’t spoken since then? And if you think I should, HOW?! I’ve never asked anyone out! Oh man, I need to be hoped!
posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

1. Get her number from mutual friend.
2. Call her up.
3. Say, "hi girl, this is anonymous. We met a few weeks back during dinner at the conference. Was wondering if you'd like to go grab a bite to eat tomorrow (or whenever)?
posted by Sassyfras at 11:47 AM on November 16, 2006

just chat her up on facebook.
posted by soma lkzx at 11:47 AM on November 16, 2006

Yeah, ask her out. In this brave new world, facebooking someone is pretty clearly a sign she at least didn't hate you.

Send her a casual email that says something along the lines of "had fun talking to you at dinner the other day. want to get together for dinner again? my treat."

Easy as that.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:49 AM on November 16, 2006

If you're worried about being too frank, just allude to 'getting together' and such--this way, it's neutral, ambiguous, and could very well be anything.
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 11:51 AM on November 16, 2006

This should be easy. Facebook is practically designed for this sort of thing.

1. You should have immediately started a poking war when she added you.
2. Message her about a common interest in her profile.
3. Post something in-jokey on her wall

Any of those 3 things should start you off and lets you slide into going for dinner/activities.
posted by amuseDetachment at 11:57 AM on November 16, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

misanthropicsarah for the win, IMO. She will almost certainly say yes to a simple dinner invitation, having enjoyed dinner with you before. This will allow you to meet up with her one on one. "My treat" is a master stroke, because it can be interpreted either as a friendly courtesy or a romantic gesture. It also discourages her from asking anyone else to come along.

When you meet again, don't build the situation into anything it isn't. Enjoy dinner just as you enjoyed the last one, and hopefully if there is a connection it will make itself evident. If not, you've done and said nothing out of line and can feel confident you acted smoothly and respectfully.

I recommend sending the email exactly as sarah worded it: write more and you are going to overanalyze the whole thing and give yourself enough rope to hang yourself with.
posted by hermitosis at 12:02 PM on November 16, 2006

amuseDetachment speaks the Truth and it's one of the things I love about Facebook. It has easy, non-threatening and non-creepy ways to communicate with people. Also, does she have her AIM/MSN handle? If she Facebooked (wow, that's a verb?! who woulda' thunk it 5 years ago) you, sending her an IM is a reasonable next step in my experiences.

Think of it this way: If she didn't want to communicate with you, she wouldn't have gone out of her way to find you on Facebook.
posted by jmd82 at 12:03 PM on November 16, 2006

However you decide to do ask her, mention a specific date. Don't say "would you like to go to dinner sometime?". Say "I would like to take you to dinner on Saturday". That way you avoid the uncertainty of the "when", which can be very awkward. Have a plan of a few different types of restaurants as suggestions, (i.e. pizza, mexican or whatever) in case she has certain preferences or dietary restrictions (is she vegetarian?).

Best of luck! BTW, I'm not saying you have to go to dinner, but do definately nail the date down when asking her. Whatever venue you choose, have other options.
posted by 6:1 at 12:17 PM on November 16, 2006

Meeting and bedding women is 95% balls. (of course, not looking like a leper and having a good personality helps) Frankly, you just have to disregard the chance you will be rejected. Charisma and confidence will get the positive attentions of many a young filly, especially if she is already into you (she has made the first move btw).
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 1:25 PM on November 16, 2006

If you don't get in touch with her, you're going to be so sorry for the rest of your life. Even if you fall deeply in love with someone else who's just the one for you, you'll always wonder... You have to get together with her again.
posted by wryly at 2:07 PM on November 16, 2006

Wait, so in the linked definition (I'm old and you youngsters with the Facebook are not of my world), it says that "facebooked" can mean two different things: The action of 1) looking someone up on thefacebook or 2) asking someone to be your friend on thefacebook

If you mean it in the sense of definition 1) then it could be that she looked up your profile to find out more about you, found out more, and then decided based on the evidence you presented that she wasn't interested in you. I do that all the time on Friendster/MySpace - it doesn't mean I'm asking to be asked out. I look up people I don't like all the time - just idle curiousity.

Of course, it could also mean that she's shy or is waiting for you to make a move (likely) but if you're using it in the sense of def 1, I wouldn't take that as irrefutable evidence that she's into you. You still should do as others suggest and send her an IM/email though.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:18 PM on November 16, 2006

otherworldlyglow: in this context it almost certainly means definition #2. I know it is confusing.
posted by grouse at 3:27 PM on November 16, 2006

otherworldyglow: It's 2), because when you look someone up on FaceSpaceter, they don't know that you looked them up. Since the poster knows he was facebooked, it's 2.
posted by bkudria at 3:30 PM on November 16, 2006

Or she could just be a facebook friends-gatherer. If she added everyone at the dinner or a ton of people from the conference then it may not be anything. I would recommend going for the wall, the poke, or the facebook message and get contact before sending a date email.

I know I've done both (facebooked a cute guy I hit it off with at an event and just facebooked people I've met once.) Good luck!
posted by wilky at 3:33 PM on November 16, 2006

amuseDetachment has it. Just poke, message, wall post away for a bit...pokes being the key ingredient to start things out.

....this is what the internet gods created facebook for.

(Side Note: Don't forget to repeatedly examining all 427 pictures she has been tagged in...wait, hold on, you probably did that before even posting on AskMeFi. It's OK - we all do it.)
posted by ASM at 4:21 PM on November 16, 2006

misanthropicsarah wins.

...But be careful not get caught in the 'friend' zone.
posted by jkl345 at 4:35 PM on November 16, 2006

oh god I hate the facebook.

Don't poke her. Everyone knows that's just what creepy over-interested types do when they can't committ to real communication.

You could write on her wall, but then the whole world will see it and there is pressure to say something that comes off as cool, clever, and detached. There is zero room for sincerity in a facebook wall post in my opinion.

You can send messages via facebook which seems like the right level to me - she facebooked you so you know it's not unwelcome, and it's less stalker-ish than looking up her e-mail or phone number.

I wouldn't ask her to dinner - too much like a date. I would ask her to go for a drink. Drinks are better because even if she does like you, dinner is so high-pressure that it can be awkward. Getting a drink allows things to progress more organically. Also, all the cool boys ask people out to drinks in my experience. There is a possibility she will be interested in you, but some people facebook everyone they ever meet so don't read too much into it yet.
posted by mai at 4:37 PM on November 16, 2006

And as for being caught in the "friend" zone, I think this is an urabn legend. People act like this can happen unwittingly because you fail to play your cards right or something. No. You will end up as a girl's friend because she is not interested in you romanticallly. Most girls I know will take things in a romantic direction if that is what they want. It's not like we forget that we find someone attractive, just because he is nice.
posted by mai at 4:39 PM on November 16, 2006

I'm in agreement with mai on just about everything.
posted by anjamu at 7:41 PM on November 16, 2006

I think you're in. From my experience, she's definitely showing all the right signs. Chat her up and it'll flow naturally.

How come girls get so worried about 'high pressure situations'? Whats so high pressure about dinner with a guy you already had a great time with previously? I've never understood it, yet i've heard girls say it my whole life. I think this is why 'drunken hookups' are the norm for twenty-somethings, because they're not 'high-pressure' (ie: meaningless). /grumble
posted by ZackTM at 7:09 AM on November 17, 2006