How can I teach my husband to be a man to the telemarketers?

November 14, 2006 4:14 PM

How can I teach my husband to be a man to the telemarketers?

We're on the do not call list, but telemarketers occasionally call our apartment and my husband's phone. When our home phone rings I always answer, and as soon as I know it's a telemarketer, I say "No thanks, bye" and hang up, even if they keep talking.

When they call HIS phone, he will listen to them, do the surveys, do whatever they want. He'll say he's not interested, but he keeps talking to them.

I just listened to him tell one he wasn't interested about ten times straight before I yelled for him to hang up. (I think they heard me, because they hung up on him.) The closest he's got to hanging up on one is telling them the phone was dying. They called back later, and I had to take the phone and tell them to fuck off, and hang it up. It annoys me to listen to him say "I'm not interested" over and over.

I don't think he gets that they're not going to stop at "I'm not interested."

I know I'm not that bad of a conversationalist that he needs to resort to talking to these people. How do I get him to stop wasting his time, and hang up the phone?

posted by jesirose to grab bag (43 comments total)

It sounds like your husband has larger problems than telemarketers.

Also, the DNC list does not apply to market research. And if you ever worked in a call center you'd know that assholes have a strange way of finding themselves on the 'callback' list.
posted by MarkLark at 4:19 PM on November 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

Does it annoy him to say "I'm not interested" over and over? If not, this might be one of those battles that's not worth fighting.
posted by desuetude at 4:22 PM on November 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

By "your husband's phone" do you mean his cell phone? Because I was under the impression that telemarketers etc were't allowed to call cell phones at all (because receiving calls costs money on many plans.)
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 4:27 PM on November 14, 2006

Sometimes you have to pick your battles, if it bothers you, ...leave the room....go for a run, put that rage into pounding the sidewalk.

On the other hand, start doing a slow strip tease, unbuckle his belt...I'm sure you know what to do next. You may start looking forward to those calls!
posted by JujuB at 4:28 PM on November 14, 2006

Does he understand that they follow a script and often are not allowed to hang up until he does? If he's a polite guy and thinking of this as a conversation that follows usualy norms of conversation, he may feel it's rude to hang up before they say "goodbye". He may feel like hanging up is equivalent to slamming down the phone, or slamming the door in someone's face. But it's not a conversation like that.

Maybe he could say something that feels more polite? "I'm sorry, I never talk to telephone solicitors. Good luck with the rest of your calls." and then hang up. Or "No thanks. And would you take me off your list please? Thank you." and then hang up.

Or maybe he kind of likes doing the market research surveys? I have a cousin like that.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:30 PM on November 14, 2006

Hang it up for him? Like actually take it from his hands and push the button or unplug the cord from the wall? Then say, "See? It's that easy."? It will really become easier for him once he starts doing it.

I agree with MarkLark. It sounds as though he has larger issues. My mom is a little bit of the sucker push-over type herself and even she hangs up on them.

Sometimes I do the surveys and market research and give off the wall answers... Maybe he's being subversive? =D
posted by dozo at 4:31 PM on November 14, 2006

It sounds like your husband has larger problems than telemarketers.
Har har! That was clever.

And if you ever worked in a call center you'd know that assholes have a strange way of finding themselves on the 'callback' list.
I don't think saying No Thanks and hanging up is being an asshole. The assholes are the ones who don't shut up after five repeats of No and move on to the gulible little old ladies they're paid to trick.

Does it annoy him to say "I'm not interested" over and over?
He says no, and I don't care if he does it on his own time, but when he does it around me, it annoys me, and therefore, annoys him by proxy :)

By "your husband's phone" do you mean his cell phone? Yes, but that doesn't stop any of them.

Or maybe he kind of likes doing the market research surveys? I have a cousin like that.
I don't mind the surveys, I always do them. But as soon as they start trying to sell me a "free" watch or vacation, the call is over. That's where he can't stop - he acts like he's interested in the offer, then tells me when he's done that he wasn't.
posted by jesirose at 4:32 PM on November 14, 2006

>the DNC list does not apply to market research

Good point. Someone doing a market research survey is in a fundamentally different job to someone trying to sell something.

Although they both call you at home, the former is, IMNSHO, a much more honourable job than the latter. But of course if they're really selling something but pretending to be doing a survey, they're going to that special hell for child molestors and people who talk in the cinema.

I've found a good option with the telemarketers is to say "I'm not interested, so you're wasting your time talking to me, and you should call the next number on the list". That tends to break them out of their trance a little and is actually good advice for them.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 4:33 PM on November 14, 2006

Is this refllective of more generic concerns you have regarding his assertiveness-and/or your relationship? If not, why is this an issue with which you need to be involved. If it bothers him then it is his problem, if it bothers you then....... Quite honestly if I was him and you were yelling at me to hang up while I was talking I am not at all sure who I would tell to "f*ck off". But then I have no problem telling phone solicitors that I never ever take these kind of calls and we can either hang up together and say good bye or I will hang up.
posted by rmhsinc at 4:35 PM on November 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

I like LobsterMitten's advice. He can be polite and brief, and don't forget to ask to take off the list.

My husband usually talks to them longer than I do. Like you we are on the Do Not Call List but still get calls. He will listen for a while and say something like, "thanks for calling (thanks for calling?), but I am not interested at this time." They will continue to talk, but he quickly interjects with, "no thanks, have a good night", and that does the trick. He doesn't have to hang up on anybody.
posted by LoriFLA at 4:45 PM on November 14, 2006

He says no, and I don't care if he does it on his own time, but when he does it around me, it annoys me, and therefore, annoys him by proxy :)

Well, the answer to your question, then, is no. No, there is no neato trick to get your husband to change utterly harmless behavior that he does not wish to change.

I suppose you could ask him to please go into another room when talking to telemarketers as a favor to appease your pet peeve.
posted by desuetude at 4:46 PM on November 14, 2006

"How can I teach my husband to be a man to the telemarketers?"

I understand why this would be frustrating, but give the guy a break.

Just remind him he can be polite and then hang up from time to time and never ever hint that his manhood is on the line.
posted by Good Brain at 5:06 PM on November 14, 2006

wait a minute, let me get this straight.

your husband gets a phone call on his phone, and he's not allowed to deal with that phone call in his own way? you yell orders at him and physically take the phone from his hands and hang it up?

this is how parents treat children. this is not how equals treat each other. unless it does you some kind of harm, there's no reason why you should have any authority over how he chooses to spend his time. i'm sure you, too, spend a few minutes now and then doing things that he considers a waste of time.

"being a man" means having the right to handle things on your own, without mommy intervening. want him to act like a man? treat him like one.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 5:06 PM on November 14, 2006 [10 favorites]

Half of the training telemarketers and market researchers recieve concerns keeping the subject on the phone, regardless of what they may have to say.

If he's concerned with being rude, you might share this with him - getting hung up on is the third best thing that can happen to a telemarketer. The first? A sale. The second? An answering machine. The few seconds it takes their dialer to recover from either a hang-up or hearing a recording is a sweet respite to the man in the headset, where they need not spout a script they've come to despise or deflect shrill demands that they "fuck off".

I would strongly caution against being rude to them for the sake of being rude. This often results in your number being tagged for more calls. If he doesn't mind being on the call, though, then this is more your problem than his. If by "be a man" you mean he ought to be ruder, you'll find this to be quite counterproductive.

Point is, someone who doesn't wish to be on a telemarketing call is best served by hanging up immediately. The person on the other end will not be offended, but relieved. Rudeness works against you.
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:10 PM on November 14, 2006

on preview - sergeant sandwich is on to something. Respect begins at home.
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:11 PM on November 14, 2006

Play him this.

Or you could tell him that when you're around that spending time with the telemarketers instead of you kinda implies he values them more than you. Then he might understand.
posted by krisjohn at 5:12 PM on November 14, 2006

I know I'm not that bad of a conversationalist that he needs to resort to talking to these people. How do I get him to stop wasting his time, and hang up the phone?

Occasionally, boiler room investment companies manage to get through to my cell phone. Unless I happen to be particularly busy at the time, I go to great efforts to drag the conversation on as long as possible. In particular, I look for difficult questions that will (1) indicate that I'm serious about investing in their stupid fund* (2) require the attention of senior management. Of course, I have no serious interest in investing, but I am trying to delay their sales process as much as possible. In some cases, I've managed to drag the conversation on for months before they wise up and stop calling me.

*usually they are just IBs, and don't even operate a fund of their own.
posted by b1tr0t at 5:18 PM on November 14, 2006

Maybe you should try a device like this http://electronicsusa.com/mk40.html. Then he is out of the loop, and can feel good about not hanging up on some one.
posted by mrbob at 5:19 PM on November 14, 2006

I'm in the 'let him deal with it in his own way' camp. Unless this adversely affects you in some way eg. he makes purchases without talking to you, if he's just answering surveys, I'd think it's really his business whether he spends his time on the phone or not.

I also agree, shouting and taking the phone out of his hands isn't really respecting him as an adult to make up his own mind.

I'd ask him whether he minds talking to them, or if he feels it's a waste of his time. If he feels he'd like to be able to deal with it better, then make some suggestions*.

If it doesn't bother him, then the real problem here is your discomfort with the way he handles this. If this is the case, maybe you need to look at how you can cope better when he does things in a way you disagree with, but which don't adversely affect you in any real way.

* A great assertiveness technique I learned, was never to offer an excuse when saying no. Be polite, and friendly, but say "Thankyou but I'm not interested."

The scripted telemarketing monkeys will always try to find a way to keep the conversation going, so when you offer an excuse ("No thanks, I already have insurance"), they will find a way to break down that excuse ("OK, can I ask what youre paying, we may be able to beat that"). If they ask why you're not interested, just go back with "Sorry but I'm just not interested at all, thankyou."
posted by girlgeeknz at 5:27 PM on November 14, 2006

If I'm in a low-stress activity (cleaning out my inbox or something), I accept these calls and ask every possible question.

The way I see it, this is the only strategy that actually destroys telemarketing. if everybody talked to them without buying anything, telemarketing would disappear overnight.
posted by Tacos Are Pretty Great at 5:41 PM on November 14, 2006

Headphones. For you. Let the man handle his phone calls the way he wants to. Sheesh.
posted by redheadeb at 6:02 PM on November 14, 2006 [2 favorites]

I'm a bit like your husband. I often just can't bring myself to interrupt, because it feels rude (even if I know the person on the other end is just reading a script).

I've trained myself to wait for the first opening, and then quickly say, "Sorry I'm can't talk right now, and thanks for the call but please add me to your do-not-call list."

Telemarketers will always say "Thanks, bye" at this point. This satisfies their scripts, and my need to be polite.
posted by mbrubeck at 6:02 PM on November 14, 2006

If your husband receives or makes certain kinds of phone calls that you don't like to overhear, ask him to talk in another room. That goes for work calls, conversations with his family, testy exchanges with someone in customer service, etc.

Is it just the telemarketer calls that irritate you? Or is there something more, like a general lack of assertiveness or a tendency not to give you the same attention he gives other people, or...?
posted by wryly at 6:22 PM on November 14, 2006

Sarge has it. No one is "made a man" by being belittled or bullied. Furthermore, no harm is coming to you by how your husband deals with telemarketers -- you are choosing to make a non-problem into your problem. You can therefore choose not to make it a problem as well.
posted by scody at 6:34 PM on November 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

If by "be a man" you mean he ought to be ruder, you'll find this to be quite counterproductive.
The 'be a man' part was a joke, didn't realize everyone would focus on that ;) I meant just be assertive that he doesn't want it, and hang up.

I don't think anyone should be rude to telemarketers themselves, but leading them on that you're interested does neither party any good.
posted by jesirose at 6:39 PM on November 14, 2006

I used to not be very good at dealing with telemarketers either, but I've developed a little script that never fails. If he actually really does want to hang up but can't deal with being rude or something, I recommend the following steps, in order:

1) "Sorry, I'm not interested."
2) "Sorry, I'm really not interested."
3) "I'm going to hang up now."
4) Hang up.

I never feel guilty about hanging up when I've gone through these steps.
posted by dfan at 6:39 PM on November 14, 2006

I have found nothing gets their attention faster than pleasantly saying "No thanks, and please put me on your no-call list." The mention of the no-call list stops 98% of telemarketers in their tracks for two reasons -- first, because they know what the penalties are for repeated calls to a DNC-listed number, and second, because they're clearly not going to sell anything to you, spending any more time on the script is a waste of time. In my experience it works very well, without yelling, screaming, spouting obscenities into the phone, or feeling like you are violating social norms by hanging up while the person on the other end is still talking.

(The other 2% are harder to deal with. Usually I end up with some variation on dfan's approach.)
posted by harkin banks at 7:11 PM on November 14, 2006

It's very difficult for me to be rude to someone on the phone, but unfortunately to discourage telemarketing - which is a pox on politesse the way a pustulous boil is an illness on the buttocks - I am forced to do so.

Generally, I hold my hand over the speaker so I cannot hear what the other person is saying. Then I hold the mic to my mouth and clear my throat. When I feel prepared to deliver my rudeness bomb, I then state, "Excuse me, please put this number on your no call list." I then immediately terminate the call.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:35 PM on November 14, 2006

I have a friend who's doing some charity fundraising by phone at the moment (and hating it, I might add; it's the sort of job you take only if you're in dire straits, and I doubt she'll last long there).

The one thing I'll add to this discussion is that she's told me that is that just hanging up on the cold caller, as you do, is one of the least effective ways of preventing further calls. At best, you'll get marked down as a "hard no" for that particular phone campaign, but you're still on their database. At worst, your phone number will be automatically "recycled" (meaning you'll get another call in a day or so). The ruder you are to the caller, the more likely it is that you'll get recycled - my friend doesn't do this, but some callers do it as a petty revenge.

The thing to do, it seems, is to interrupt the caller immediately and say firmly and politely that you're not interested, and that you'd like your details to be removed from their database. The software the caller's using will usually allow them to do this with the click of a button. Charities (which are usually exempt from Do Not Call lists) will always stop calling if you ask them to.

My friend has expressed her frustration at the number of (understandably!) cranky people who hang up on her just as she's beginning to ask if they'd like to be taken off the list - something she can't do unless the person requests it. You may not believe this, but my friend, and many of the people who work alongside her in the call centre, are aching for opportunities to help people who don't want calls be taken off the list. (Sure, some telephone representatives are pushy, robotic scum - but many are people not unlike ourselves, only with shittier jobs.)

I have found my friend's tales of Call Centre Hell a bit of an eye-opener, in fact. I have been very rude to cold callers in the past, and I suspect I get ruder towards them every year. I think in the future I will be nicer towards the person that's calling me, but more ruthless with the corporation behind them. Every time you get an unwanted call like this, ask to be taken off the list. It can't hurt, anyhow.

As to what to do about your husband - I think he's going to have to fight his own battles, I'm afraid. I've had friends who love answering market research questions - I think they find it refreshingly narcisistic to talk about themselves at great lengths to a stanger - and, well, you know, different strokes for different folks. Maybe he even likes those conversations. Let him do his own thing.
posted by hot soup girl at 7:37 PM on November 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

Oh, yeah, and the way this question is worded could be interpreted variously as playful or harmful. I tend to think that doesn't matter very much because it's not really germane to your question.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:37 PM on November 14, 2006

When our home phone rings I always answer...When they call HIS phone, he will listen to them, do the surveys, do whatever they want.

You "always answer" your shared phone and this problem doesn't arise. Maybe you should always answer his phone. (Would that be weird? If so, let it go).
posted by smorange at 7:43 PM on November 14, 2006

My partner is kind of a jerk to telemarketers, and he's generally a very sweet, friendly person. I am firm with them but exceedingly polite, because seriously, what a demeaning, suckass job they have -- how can I possibly be a jerk to someone in that situation? But he has all these theories about how if he's rude they'll find a different job.

So I am in the opposite position from you, and here is how I deal with it: if he answers the phone and it's a telemarketer, I leave the room. No more arguments, and certainly no attempts to control how he conducts himself on the phone. I expressed my displeasure several years ago, and I have moved on. This is what healthy relationships are all about.
posted by climalene at 8:25 PM on November 14, 2006

I should also add that there are passive-aggressive and dramatic ways to leave a room, and then here's the kind of leaving where you casually get up to take a piss or rinse out coffee pot for the next morning or whatever. I try for the latter. Just go, but don't make an issue out of it.
posted by climalene at 9:24 PM on November 14, 2006 [1 favorite]

My partner tends to ask `Is this telemarketing?' when someone starts a spiel. It's often met by `Uh, well, no, we're offering a deal on' (etc). She usually asks again, then tells them she's not interested and hangs up.

I just say `Sorry, but no thanks'.

Remember you're talking to a person who is doing a job you would hate. I always treat people doing these jobs with respect, because hell, their job is bad enough without me being an asshole.

If your partner talks to them because he's being polite rather than interested, let him know that it helps the person doing the calls more if he lets them get onto the next call which may get results.
posted by tomble at 9:36 PM on November 14, 2006

I generally tell telemarketers that I'm just on my way out the door. They ask when to call back and I suggest a time when I know I'll be out of the house. It works quite well.
posted by purplefiber at 10:26 PM on November 14, 2006

but when he does it around me, it annoys me, and therefore, annoys him by proxy

Be aware, if you succeed, you will have helped him become a person who no longer indulges those who wish to impose their will upon him through rude communication.
posted by anildash at 12:53 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]

He shouldn't say anything. He should just hang up, as if the call were a pre-recorded message.
posted by Alt F4 at 5:18 AM on November 15, 2006

I agree with LobsterMitten. I once worked as a telemarketer for a summer (I know awful...) and it IS just a script. People hang up on you hundreds of times a night. It's no big deal because the computer just dials the next number and you read the script again.
posted by catseatcheese at 5:38 AM on November 15, 2006

I just listened to him tell one he wasn't interested about ten times straight before I yelled for him to hang up. (I think they heard me, because they hung up on him.) The closest he's got to hanging up on one is telling them the phone was dying. They called back later, and I had to take the phone and tell them to fuck off, and hang it up. It annoys me to listen to him say "I'm not interested" over and over.

It seems to me that you are the one with the problem, not your husband. You yell, take the phone from him, tell callers to fuck off, and are annoyed with him. Stop it! He's an adult and it's his phone: let him deal with his calls as he pleases. Leave the room if you can't stop interfering.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:04 AM on November 15, 2006

Maybe you could print this anti-telemarketing counter-script out for your husband. He still gets to talk to them for a bit, and you might get some entertainment out of it.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:32 AM on November 15, 2006

Anildash! Oooh, best answer! An important caution.

Yes, oddly, my father does this, and he has no problem with being rude to people face-to-face. I'll be talking to him, the phone will ring, and I have to wait ten minutes to resume the conversation. But what business is it of mine or yours? Have you considered that it might annoy him more to be what he considers rude than it annoys you that he won't? Or that he is more annoyed by your insistence than he is by telemarkers, and this is his way of hanging up on you?

You said that you put the be a man bit in there as a joke, but it isn't funny. Can you imagine a question where the exhortation to be a woman would not get called out up the wazoo? How about "my wife doesn't cook -- how can I help her to be a woman?" or "my wife is very confrontational with telemarketers and other people -- help me help her to be more of a woman." If women reject attempts to force them into sexist stereotypical behavioral constraints, is it OK to do it to men?
posted by Methylviolet at 10:32 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]

Once I pretended to be interested with a telemarketer in the most completely sarcastic sounding voice I could muster. Saying things like "OH REALLY, PLEASE DO TELL ME SO MUCH MORE!" and the like. Then after I bored of it and she kept talking, I said "Well actually, the thing is I haven't really been listening to you at all and I'm going to hang up now." Rude, surely.

To my amazement she actually CALLED BACK as soon as I hung up and called me an asshole. I smiled for the rest of the day I was so surprised!

Also might I suggest telling your husband that you find telemarketers sexually attractive? Might just do the trick.
posted by haveanicesummer at 1:26 PM on November 15, 2006

I haven't received a telemarketing call or even any political calls from a human for well over a year -- I signed up for the "do not call" registry and regularly inform anyone calling that
1. I am not interested.
2. Please remove me from your list
3. This is a cell phone.

I haven't had any repeats, and nearly every person that did call a couple years ago was courteous. The political calls I receive tend to be automated and I just let any unknown numbers go to voicemail during the couple weeks before election time.

I've talked to people who have done telemarketing and phone surveys and it's mostly a thankless job. Yes, there are jerks who will attempt to keep you on the line at all costs, but it is not rude to interrupt someone who is not allowing a break in conversation as a sales strategy. That's not a dialog; it's like listening to a commercial. If you're genuinely disinterested, they'll appreciate a polite dismissal.
posted by mikeh at 2:10 PM on November 15, 2006