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Met a girl, she has a boyfriend, so what to do?
November 13, 2006 6:36 AM   Subscribe

About a year ago I met a dealer at a casino in another city. After a couple of subsequent visits, I mustered up the nerve to talk to her during while she was off-duty my last night there, and we got along well enough. It didn't take long until she mentioned her boyfriend, though, so how should I approach things when I visit again in a couple of weeks?

I never figured I'd have much of a chance with her, and I fully expected her to already be taken, but needless to say it was still pretty heartbreaking. Not only is she possibly the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, but she was smart, personable, and fun to talk with. We were both surprised to find out we were the same age (late 20s). Things would probably be a lot easier if it had been a dull conversation so I could get over her, but as it turned out, a day doesn't go by where I don't think about her.

Being a pessimist, I figured exchanging numbers wasn't kosher given that she was in a relationship. But before she left, I told myself I'd hate myself if I didn't at least try to ask if she were willing to get a quick coffee or something. She politely declined, and we politely shook hands and exchanged names. In what seemed to me like a perfunctory manner, she added how nice a chat it had been. I'm not the "play the field" type, so should I be feeling so apologetic about the awkwardness of sort-of-asking-her-out?

Given that she's surrounded by male players at work all the time, I'd gotten the feeling she was a bit disappointed that yet another guy was trying to pick her up (and I'm sure that happens a lot). In any case, I'm sure she inferred that I "liked" her and hadn't talked to her just because she happened to be the dealer who was free at the time.

I'll be visiting the city again soon because I'm considering moving there so I can quit a job I hate, and hopefully find a new one there as a dealer (it was actually her that made it seem like an attainable goal). I can rationally say it's not a case of me trying to be closer to her. Heck, if I saw her with her boyfriend, I'd be even more miserable.

I'm fully aware she's off-limits, but she's a wonderful person and as someone already in the industry, I'd like to get to know her better in a platonic way. I can't deny I'll still have a crush on her, and as someone with not the highest self-esteem, I'm terrified to see her again, and don't want her to feel like I'm trying to push myself on her. After writing this whole darn thing, it almost seems obvious that I'm worrying too much and should just make some effort, but what's the best way to go about it? Now I feel gun-shy as far as asking to talk more about her job over lunch, or asking for her number.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing to Human Relations (53 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
It's highly probable that she'll view this as just creepy. She's already given you the brush-off. I'd advise only meeting her under professional circumstances. If sparks fly at that point, great... but from what I can tell, women are sick to death of guys who say "I know you're taken but I'd like to be friends" and then do a poor job of hiding the crush.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:42 AM on November 13, 2006


She said she had a boyfriend and turned you down for a date. What more evidence do you need that she's not interested? Be professional with her if you see her again--if it happens that she's single now, let her make that move.
posted by sian at 6:44 AM on November 13, 2006


Honestly? From a girl's perspective, if she declined when you asked her out for coffee, she's not likely going to accept lunch or give you her number, under any pretenses about her job or being friends. She likely gets hit on a lot and has heard it all. To her, this probably isn't much different and she may regard it as sort of creepy if it continued. If you push it and ask again, there's a good chance she might not be so polite, or she'd have the casino security talk to you.

Where you still have a crush on her, I think you're setting yourself up for heartache, misery and awkwardness if you try to be platonic friends with her now.

Just doesn't seem like a good idea from any angle. You're over the moon for her, she's already politely said no once and has a boyfriend. Maybe down the road when you're over her, yes. But until then, for your own sanity, just don't.
posted by jerseygirl at 6:53 AM on November 13, 2006


Abort before the inevitable restraining order or boyfriend-administered shitkicking. You have received "no" for an answer: move on.
posted by mcwetboy at 6:57 AM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


I'll be visiting the city again soon because I'm considering moving there so I can quit a job I hate, and hopefully find a new one there as a dealer (it was actually her that made it seem like an attainable goal).

Big, big mistake. Leave her alone. Your having a crush shouldn't determine where you live or work.
posted by Carol Anne at 7:06 AM on November 13, 2006


Another "please don't" from the female camp. For what it's worth, from your post, your intentions sound pure and you seem like a nice guy; unfortunately, she likely won't see it that way. Also, if you do truly end up working as a dealer in the same city, you don't want the reputation as the "creepy guy", right? Not a great way to start off in a new place.
posted by Keane at 7:06 AM on November 13, 2006


She politely declined, and we politely shook hands and exchanged names.

She's already told you she's not interested. And she has a boyfriend. And I know that sucks, but life sometimes sucks. You should channel the courage you mustered to talk to her in the first place to talk to other women, who are hopefully single.
posted by chunking express at 7:10 AM on November 13, 2006


I would suggest going out of my way to prove that you're NOT that kind of guy.

That means not avoiding her, and if you do run into her - saying a warm hello - nice to see you - sorry I have to run over here for some very important (but in fact made up) reason. Don't look back, communicate nothing but "yes, I understand clear communication" - and communicate that wordlessly, through actions. I.e., getting the heck out of her way.

Even if there were the slightest chance that anything could happen - and I agree with the others that there likely is no chance - the only way you're possibly going to ever be in the running is to be non-weird, unequivocally.
posted by mikel at 7:17 AM on November 13, 2006


Don't do it. You won't have any regrets if you leave her alone. Better to keep your mouth shut than to have cringefests of regret later when you have come to your senses. You have already taken the step to ask her out. She declined. She is not interested.

Of course you can say hello if seated next to her in a professional setting or something, but other than that--let it alone.

You will find another girl that is available. She will be just as smart, beautiful, and easy to talk to. It's a heartache crushing on someone that is taken, but it will soon pass.
posted by LoriFLA at 7:18 AM on November 13, 2006


No, no, no.

I feel your pain, TheSecretDecoderRing, but you really must forget and move on. Nothing good can come of any further contact, regardless of your justifications. It will hurt all the more, you'll look the bigger fool.

She's not for you, she wants nothing from you.

Listen to this or this or this, get very drunk and maudlin, forget.
posted by Brave New Meatbomb at 7:28 AM on November 13, 2006


I can rationally say it's not a case of me trying to be closer to her. Heck, if I saw her with her boyfriend, I'd be even more miserable.

People convince themselves of a lot of dumb shit — like cramming, "I understand she's taken but I just want to be platonic friends even though it would kill me to see her with another guy" into a single breath — and dude, that's a fuckload of drama that you're carrying around for some chick that you talked to a couple of times, let alone who's taken and/or not interested in you.

it almost seems obvious that I'm worrying too much and should just make some effort...

Really? That's the answer you got? Try again.
posted by cribcage at 7:33 AM on November 13, 2006


Your mother was right when she said there are plenty of fish in the sea. Pull yourself together, man.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 7:35 AM on November 13, 2006


Casinos hire young, attractive, female dealers for a reason.

She's been hit on by people much richer than you - she's giving you the practiced, nice brush-off. In the time it took you to write your question, she got hit on twice. She mentioned her boyfriend to both of them, and declined their invitations to go out for coffee.

Move along. If you go back to Vegas, don't go in that casino.
posted by jellicle at 7:38 AM on November 13, 2006


Let it go. If you approach her before you have a job as a dealer, you won't really help yourself networking-wise, and might actually hurt our chances of getting a job (at least at the place she works).
posted by drezdn at 7:40 AM on November 13, 2006


Just stop. She's told you that she has a boyfriend, she's politely declined your advances (yes, they were advances.) You don't really want to "get to know her better in a platonic way." No, you should not make this effort.

If you really, really, want to quit your job to pursue a job as a dealer, and if it's really, really not because you're hoping for a chance with dream-girl, then find a dealer to whom you are not attracted. Network and get advice from them. If you see the woman who is the object of this post, simply acknowledge her briefly and warmly and MOVE ALONG, which is pretty much the only way that your mad crush on her will not damage you either personally or professionally.
posted by desuetude at 8:13 AM on November 13, 2006


Ditto desuetude. If you "stalk" this girl, and get a job as a dealer and try to use her as a networking point, she will (rightfully) freak out and ask all her dealer friends what she should do. And then you'll have that social black mark against you forever.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:29 AM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


"I'm fully aware she's off-limits, but she's a wonderful person and as someone already in the industry, I'd like to get to know her better in a platonic way."

It sounds to me like you are thinking with "the pit boss" instead of your brain.
posted by mecran01 at 8:33 AM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


Another vote for no, no, no. You're gun shy about a reapproach because deep down you know that isn't a good idea.

Please stop trying to make it seem like a good idea. I'm sorry.
posted by KAS at 8:40 AM on November 13, 2006


Am I right in thinking you met her and spoke with her/hit on her/whatever once, a year ago? Because if so, she's not going to think you're stalking her or creepy, because she won't know you from Adam. Especially if she gets hit on all the time.

If I'm reading this wrong and you spoke to her a couple of weeks ago after first seeing her a year ago, do ignore me.
posted by corvine at 8:43 AM on November 13, 2006


What corvine said. If you spoke to her a year ago, she won't remember you. For all you know, she works somewhere else now, or perhaps doesn't even live in the same city. There's no reason to expect that she'll be right where you saw her last.

Did we read it right? If that's really the case, you need to stop fixating on something that happened a year ago and move on. Really.
posted by different at 8:50 AM on November 13, 2006


First of all, I feel your pain, as do most people on this page. We've all been there. I blame every single romantic comedy (going back since before movies existed) for, uh, romanticizing the idea of pining after someone in an unrequited fashion.

Never mind that she said no; you should not be fixated on someone who lives far away who you only see on a very infrequent basis. That's just not a good basis for a relationship. And would you really want to become involved in a relationship with someone who probably talks to dozens of reasonably attractive men every single day? Especially since you sound like the quiet, non-aggressive non-player type, even if she was smitten with you you probably wouldn't do well in the relationship.

As someone who has managed to become friends with an ex that I once pined for, I can tell you there is only one solution to get over your heartache, and that is to find someone or something else to fill that void. A new job is a great idea, but not one where you're going to either constantly see, or constantly be reminded (oh! I remember when she dealt an Ace of Spades) of her.

As far as finding someone new, you cannot do better than OkCupid. It's free to join and use and everything, and if you can find someone nearby who is at least 80% compatible I can tell you from experience that you will get along very, very well.

Then, once you are over her, you can try going back to the casino and starting up a conversation again. Women can tell when you want them, and when you don't. It's subtle, and I myself have no control over it, but women definitely respond to you differently when they can tell all you're after is a conversation.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:55 AM on November 13, 2006


I say go for it. Try again. If this happened a year ago, she's not going to think you're creepy. You go back into the casino and talk to her, ask her out for a coffee, but this time make sure that you don't get turned down.

But you have to have a different plan this time because your last one didn't work.
posted by dydecker at 9:01 AM on November 13, 2006


I'll be a voice for the alternate ending...Maybe she is in an unhappy relationship. Maybe she is the type that will hang on to that relationship even if it isn't the best, and maybe all she needs is a nudge. Don't be the stalker, but be the guy who says "hello, well Nice to see that you're my dealer again....how's things" and see what happens... God that sounds like a John Hughes movie...
posted by Gungho at 9:06 AM on November 13, 2006


Just park it and move on. Everyone generates huge crushes at some point in their lives. Its normal. However, you've been deflected politely and that's it. Finito.

So here it is harshly:

It is a bad idea attempting anything with this woman.

Even when you have convinced yourself that it's a good idea it is still a bad idea.

On the upside, when you think about this later, you will have a chuckle to yourself and feel better for having had the self-awareness to know that you quit while you were ahead.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 9:11 AM on November 13, 2006


I say go for it. Try again. If this happened a year ago, she's not going to think you're creepy.

I'd find it creepy. Especially if it's preceded with a "I just moved to town to be a casino dealer just like you!" You'd be surprised how often waitresses/those in customer interaction do remember customers and patrons once you see their face again or hear them speak again.

but this time make sure that you don't get turned down.

There's a fine often-crossed line between being charming and persistent and being slapped with a restraining order/getting kicked out of the casino/making a bad name for yourself in town/getting punchasized in the face by her boyfriend.
posted by jerseygirl at 9:23 AM on November 13, 2006


If you spoke to her a year ago, she won't remember you.

What if she does?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:29 AM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


There's a fine often-crossed line between being charming and persistent and being slapped with a restraining order, etc

I think it's an extremely easy line to understand. In the end, she hasn't point blank refused the guy - all she did was mention she has a boyfriend and she didn't want to go for coffee at that time. Maybe she had something else on that night? Maybe he fluffed the invite and that made her feel like she had to refuse. She might not have even had a boyfriend, maybe she had been picked up an hour before and was sick of it and in a bad mood.

If I were him, I'd go back with a friend (to make it look like I wasn't a solitary creep), make meeting her seem like a coincidence or a random thought, and casually get to chatting about how I wanted to become a dealer myself etc and would she mind giving me a few pointers and then get her email on the basis on that. She's hardly likely to say no to that. That makes her look like the unfriendly freak.
posted by dydecker at 9:36 AM on November 13, 2006


Okay, I just reread your post. The truth is that beautiful, smart women don't say yes to defeatists who don't have any confidence in themselves and expect to fail. So you have to work on that pessimist attitude first before you'll get anywhere.
posted by dydecker at 9:46 AM on November 13, 2006


I think it's an extremely easy line to understand. In the end, she hasn't point blank refused the guy - all she did was mention she has a boyfriend and she didn't want to go for coffee at that time.

Saying 'no' is a point-blank refusal. Period.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:01 AM on November 13, 2006


In the end, she hasn't point blank refused the guy - all she did was mention she has a boyfriend and she didn't want to go for coffee at that time.

dydecker, these are the things people do to avoid having to point-blank refuse others. It means no.
posted by different at 10:02 AM on November 13, 2006


"I have a boyfriend" = point-blank refusal.

Really. It is.
posted by jason's_planet at 10:10 AM on November 13, 2006


okay. this is what you do.

like dydecker said you need a plan.

now, this is going to take some effort, but if you really want this, it'll be worth the time and effort. Your desire to live in a J Lo / Julia Roberts / whatever chick flick will be fulfilled.

First thing first, become a doctor. Though you might not have 7 years to wait. Okay. Better yet, fake being a doctor. Or go to med school in her town.

Go out and get a girlfriend. Act like this dealer girl doesn't exist. And, in fact, forget about her. Date a girl who is self absorbed, beautiful, rich, and annoying as all hell. But you fall in love anyways and get engaged.

With me so far? Awesome.

Then..now this is the tricky part but do a topographical survey of the town she's in. The US geologial society probably already has one of file. Take this map and locate every hill. On each hill, locate every dumpster that has at least a 2% chance of, at some point, rolling down these hills. Once located, limit your daily adventures to cross these hills several times a day. Keep your eyes and ears out for rumbling dumpsters.

And then you just wait. If movies have taught us anything, they've taught us that this girl WILL come across your path at the time you least expect it. And a dumpster will chase her down. When she loses her shoe and twists her ankle, you will rush in, save her, carefully bandage her wound and save her life. You can't rush the fates on this but you can increase the probability of it happening to the right guy, ie. YOU.

But, this really only takes us through the first 30 minutes of the movie that is your life. We have at least 1 hour more. This is, what I call, the "perserverence" stage. Now, remember, you've forgotten this girl but now she's back in your life. She's going to still be with her boyfriend, possibly engaged or married. But her relationship is going to be flawed (they always are! don't forget!). You are going to be working towards your wedding with your obnxious (but rich and leggy) fiancee but don't let your heart fool you. YOU ARE IN FAKE LOVE. The dealer girl is going to vanish from your life and then reapear at the 40 minute mark as, get this, your fiancee's old college roommate.

And then the fun really begins. You and her are going to deny your true feelings for the next 45 minutes before finally realizing that you are meant to be together and have a huge wedding infront of all your family, friends, and relatives (alive or dead - if they're dead, they will come back just to see your wedding). It'll be the wedding of the century and you will live happily ever after. If it can happen to J Lo, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.
posted by Stynxno at 10:15 AM on November 13, 2006 [7 favorites]


Yes, on a deeper level he was rebuffed, and admittedly he screwed it up by putting her in a position where refusing the coffee was easier than accepting. It's hard to come back from a fall like that. But not impossible.
posted by dydecker at 10:17 AM on November 13, 2006


I can't believe some of the horseshit ideas that are getting thrown at this guy. It is best to leave it dude. She doesnt want you and that's it. Every guy has felt like they have been booted in the cajones by a girl's rejection at some point. It's not nice and never will be but it's a fact.


SecretDecoderRing: You will get over this and meet someone else who pushes your buttons. Dont do anything stupid dude.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 10:18 AM on November 13, 2006


dydecker, you're talking about this like it's a game.

She. Has. A. Boyfriend. Hands off. That's what grownups do, anyway.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:22 AM on November 13, 2006


It is kind of a game, and if you want to win at it, you've got to be a player. The truth is that people leave their partners all the time for other people.
posted by dydecker at 10:31 AM on November 13, 2006


loriFLA:You will find another girl that is available. She will be just as smart, beautiful, and easy to talk to. It's a heartache crushing on someone that is taken, but it will soon pass.

Lori speaks the truth, you'd do well to listen to her and the others in this thread telling you to move on.

One of my best friends did just what you're looking to do. Met a girl at college (the perpetual boyfriend-having type) who killed any romantic notion early on by making him a friend. He had very strong feelings for her and watched helplessly as she got involved with one dickbag after another.

Eventually, she moved in with him. He was elated and had sort of a platonic wife arrangement with her, except that she did nothing around the house and he showered her with gifts, spending untold thousands of dollars. She met a decent guy online, married him, and lived in my friend's house for several months. To repay him for his generoucity, he got front row seats to watch the girl of his dreams sponge off of him and show much affection to a guy that wasn't him. Eventually they moved out and he's been much happier ever since.

A rambling story, but a good cautionary tale for those who try to force the "just friends" relationship when one side has a big enough crush to be seen from orbit and the other side doesn't see them that way.
posted by dr_dank at 10:35 AM on November 13, 2006


Yes, and it's their choice to do so. Consciously interfering in a relationship is wrong. How would you like it if this was your girlfriend, and some guy was hitting on her and trying to get rid of you?

Grow up.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:35 AM on November 13, 2006


Guys hit on my girlfriend all the time, but I trust her. My reaction? Laughter. My father left not his girlfriend, but his wife (and three kids) for another woman, and in the end, I cannot blame him (or her) for it. If that's what's going to make him happy, he did the right thing. People fall in and out of relationships all the time, for a myriad of reasons, including falling for somebody else. The world is much more morally complex than bad Hollywood movies are telling you, dirtynumb. It's messy. If growing up means expanding a rigid moral framework to accomodate the messiness of world, then you need to grow up, not me.
posted by dydecker at 10:45 AM on November 13, 2006


She. Has. A. Boyfriend. Hands off.

More like She. Has. Said. No. Hands off. Even if she were single (and who knows, maybe she is!), she is clearly not interested in shitting where she eats.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:48 AM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


Saying 'no' is a point-blank refusal. Period.

This is bullshit. Human relationships aren't some binary on-off thing no matter how hard people want to believe otherwise. This idea is that an involved woman is 'off limits' to any male attention is just childish and archaic. It's quite possible to be friends with a married woman and there be a 'history' behind the friendship. Believe it or not this kind of thing happens all the time.

Anyways, it doesn't hurt to try. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong or been an asshole to her. In fact it sounds like you've been a perfect gentleman to her and I'm sure she appreciates that. If you like her as a friend then pursue her as a friend. I can't imagine a guy can have too many beautiful casino dealer friends. But if you do pursue her as a friend then you have to make it very clear that you're not coming on romantically. Unfortunately you've already jumped the gun and, uh, shot yourself in the foot. It'll be a lot more difficult to build a real friendship of any depth. You can never ever be alone with her, you can't buy her gifts, you can't call her after 8pm, and you can't talk about her relationship or her boyfriend. Your best bet is probably to ask her for advice. Many women are comfortable playing the teacher to their 'helpless' friends -- especially if you actually do value her thoughts and opinions. If you want to see her outside of a professional environment then you might take her shopping with you.

The real point here is to take it slow. There's no need to force the issue and it's not a race. If you enjoy hanging out and talking with her then focus only on hanging out and talking with her. What happens down the line is a mystery so don't worry about it too much and just enjoy today.
posted by nixerman at 10:54 AM on November 13, 2006


Oh, another obvious point: ask her to introduce you to her other beautiful casino dealer friends. (In a non skeezy way manner of course.) There's probably plenty of other fish in that pond.
posted by nixerman at 10:56 AM on November 13, 2006


The world is much more morally complex than bad Hollywood movies are telling you, dirtynumb.

Dude, the 'bad Hollywood movies' are what you are channeling, not I.

Yes, people are often in bad relationships. Yes, people often cheat, hop from one relationship to the next, etc.

Deliberately trying to interfere in someone else's relationship--whether it's effective or not--is deeply morally suspect, not to mention deeply disrespectful.

You say you laugh off guys who hit on your girlfriend. Fair enough. Do you laugh off the guys who are trying to work underhanded plans? Probably not quite as much.

Bottom line, as TPS said, she said no. That's the end of the story. She turned him down. There is nothing more.

This idea is that an involved woman is 'off limits' to any male attention is just childish and archaic. It's quite possible to be friends with a married woman and there be a 'history' behind the friendship.

Friends? Absofuckinglutely! But an involved person is off-limits, unless that person has specifically said otherwise.

Or, to put it in simpler terms: someone who has said NO is off-limits.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:57 AM on November 13, 2006


"ou cannot do better than OkCupid."

Okcupid has basically been ruined by all the goddamn polyamorous people signing up and listing themselves as "Single" when they're really married. For a single guy, that's pretty useless. I don't have anything against poly folks, but they've swarmed okcupid in massive numbers. It's deceptive.

TheSecretDecoderRing: Let this particular fish swim away. take some time and work on yourself if necessary. The right person will come along, and better yet, she'll probably be single. :-)

There really are other fish in the sea, dude. Besides, if you pursue this one and get shot down again, you run the risk of alienating her even more, getting yourself a nasty reputation, and who knows, it may affect you in a very negative way.
Let her go, man.
posted by drstein at 10:58 AM on November 13, 2006


Er, off-limits for romantic interest, I mean.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:59 AM on November 13, 2006


Deliberately trying to interfere in someone else's relationship--whether it's effective or not--is deeply morally suspect, not to mention deeply disrespectful.

There you go again with the moralizing. Maybe she's trapped in a crumby relationship and he can be her ticket out? Maybe her boyfriend has five other secret girlfriends and a dead body under the bed? The point is we don't know, and giving her an opportunity to dump him for a shining prince might turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to her.

But that's all down the road. Please remember all he did was ask her out for a coffee, and asking her a few questions about dealing with a nefarious intent of making her fall in love with you is not "strictly off limits" at all.
posted by dydecker at 11:34 AM on November 13, 2006


The point is we don't know, and giving her an opportunity to dump him for a shining prince might turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to her.

Do you really think the majority of women are so stupid that they need random guys to come along and steal them out of their crummy relationships? This woman isn't 15; she's in her late 20s. She has a job and a life. She doesn't need to be "rescued' by some guy who hit on her in a casino. If she really is in a bad relationship and doesn't have the balls to walk out of it herself, the OP wouldn't want to be with her anyway.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:41 AM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


Yet another female chiming in to say NO. We've all had unrequited crushes (and all the attendant yearning/fantasy/drama that comes with them), and it sucks, and that's how it goes. Part of being a grownup is accepting that you cannot and will not always get what you want.

Do NOT keep prolonging this. She is unavailable and uninterested in you, period. You do yourself no favors by refusing to accept this and move on in order to make yourself available for another woman out there who is available and potentially interested in you. Focus your hopes and energies in that direction.
posted by scody at 12:32 PM on November 13, 2006


I'd like to get to know her better in a platonic way.

Oh, and one more thing: I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it will probably come across in print, but being grownup also means being honest with yourself. From everything you've written, it's clear that you don't want to get to know her in a platonic way; you want to become a "friend" in order to position yourself as a potential boyfriend. Don't do that to her, and don't do it to other women, either; we resent it (and/or find it creepy), and you still don't get what you want.

It sounds like this woman wound up symbolizing a lot for you beyond simply being attractive -- like she could be the answer to something that's missing from your life, or the key to happiness, etc. Concentrate on finding happiness and satisfaction in your own life -- yes, this means working on improving your self-esteem, rather than simply defaulting to "I have low self-esteen" -- and on finding a relationship with someone who's equally happy and satisfied (and, of course, available).
posted by scody at 12:42 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


The truth is that people leave their partners all the time for other people.

Sure. People in whom they are interested. Unlike our OP and his dealer dream-girl. If she were interested, she wouldn't have come back with "I've got a boyfriend" right away.
posted by desuetude at 12:44 PM on November 13, 2006


How much time has passed? A couple months? If so, go ahead and ask her for advice on becoming a dealer. She'll bring up the boyfriend again if you make small talk, if she still has one. If she doesn't, go ahead and ask her out. Don't ever let her know that she's the subject of a yearlong crush (well, maybe after you marry her).
If it's just a couple of weeks, well, be cordial, but don't pursue her.
posted by klangklangston at 12:59 PM on November 13, 2006


I can rationally say it's not a case of me trying to be closer to her.

I am sooooo not buying this.

Humans are not rational creatures. We are rationalizing creatures. I find it hard to believe (though possible) that your wanting to move there and become a dealer like her is completely orthogonal to the crush you have on her.

Good luck with whatever you do. But I'd suggest being brutally honest with yourself about how much you really want to move to that city and be a dealer. I say this because it is not unheard of for people to fool themselves in these circumstances, often with disastrous results. And I say this because I've been there.

Crushes do not hone our rational abilities, they thwart them.

And yeah, dude, she told you no. She was polite to you about it, too. Take that as a blessing.
posted by beth at 10:34 PM on November 14, 2006


Okay, first of all I appreciate the (rational) responses; it was a lot more than I was expecting.

Just to clear things up, I first saw her in my first visit to the city a year ago. It was this last trip, a few months ago, that I actually got to talk to her, so I suppose she'd probably remember me to some extent. And we talked about what her job was like, and how much I hated mine. Honestly, being miserable at work (and having the same bank account balance) once I got back was what made me seriously consider working over there instead. If she moved out today, it'd be one predicament I wouldn't have to worry about.

Also, I'd told her that I was a regular at the place (when in town), so even if I do run into her again, I don't think she'd infer that I came back solely to see her. I also mentioned that one of her supervisors that I'd met there before was from my hometown, whom I've called and do plan on seeing there.

Maybe the title was misleading, but I'm not trying to imply that I need ideas on making some grand gesture and that I have plans to steal her away; I know that won't happen. I'm not trying to ask if I should buy her flowers and ask her out to a fancy dinner and convince her that she's not happy with her boyfriend.

I think Nixerman got exactly what I had in mind, just whether I could make friends with her. I did as best as I could to not imply that I had a thing for her (complimenting her looks, gauging her relationship), and for the most part the conversation would've been the same if it had been a guy or a grandmother.

I probably did screw up with the coffee, though. But having waited so long to even talk to her in the past, and not knowing when I'd go back, I would've hated myself if I didn't try and see if we could stay in contact after that. I figured it was more benign than asking her number. I'd feel compelled now to apologize if she felt things had ended awkwardly last time.

So I'm just wondering if, from her POV, being friends after that is even possible, or if (as it looks now) I really should avoid her altogether. Either way, thanks for the help, everyone.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 6:57 AM on November 17, 2006


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