Stopping the hate

November 12, 2006 12:12 AM

How can you stop yourself from hating someone?

I have never felt this way in my life before and I fear that it is damaging to my mental and physical well being. I also need to be strong for others affected by this person, and I'm not doing a good job of it.

I don't want advice about how to forgive this person. There is no way of doing that currently, as the pain this person is causing is likely to continue. I am not ready to forgive.

I just want advice about any techniques or strategies I could use to try to stop the intense hatred I feel. I realise that me hating this person does not harm them in any way. I realise that it harms me and might even hinder my attempts to deal with this person's actions in a practical way.

Any suggestions for practical self-help techniques that I could use to overcome this would be very welcome.

posted by anonymous to health (29 comments total)

I try to immediately think of something or someone else, because there's no action I can take that will relieve the situation.

I practiced this continually for some time, and it became quite effective - that is, it was easier to think of something else than it had been in the beginning.

I have fantasised over different methods of killing this person, but I found this increased my levels of stress as I had no relief from my hatred.

If you are a very enlightened being, perhaps you might consider being compassionate, and seeing the person's wrongful actions to be caused either by tragedy in their past, or a flaw in their nature that they have no knowledge or control over. I have had very little success with this - it's easier with someone who irritates or annoys you, not so easy with someone who engenders hatred.
posted by b33j at 12:46 AM on November 12, 2006

Channel it into something creative. That probably sounds like lame boilerplate touchy-feely advice, but really: write it into poems or stories, mold it into sculptures, work it into music. By running straight into it, you may get something great out of it, and maybe that will help you to defuse your hatred.
posted by pracowity at 1:46 AM on November 12, 2006

I only really hate one person in the world too. I deal with it in a few ways, First, I accept the fact that I hate them and that it probably won't change over any significant period of time.

Second, I pity them for the qualities that they posess and the actions that they took to cause me to hate them.

Third, I remind myself that I am a better and stronger person than they are and than what i was before they were in my life.

Fourth, I surround myself with as many understanding and supportive people as possible.

Is it a perfect fix? No. Does it always work? No. Do I still have days where the lasting effects of what they put me through (over 8 years ago) bring me to the point where I want to drink myself into a coma? Absolutely.

That being said, life goes on and we have to go with it. We may not forgive, we may not forget, but have to move on.
posted by ChazB at 2:16 AM on November 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

First of all, I usually take steps to remove that person from my life, or at least minimize my contact with them.

You can choose not to let your hatred control you. The person you hate doesn't care about the mental and physical stress you place upon yourself. And for some this is a kind of power.

For me, hate is an active, living emotion -- it thrives on what you feed it. Negative thoughts, dwelling on past pain(s), etc.
I believe that the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.
And I feel that if let someone continue to effect me enough to hate them (after removing them from my life) then I start to wonder why I still care and take steps to check myself.
posted by black8 at 2:17 AM on November 12, 2006

alcohol and sex help me.

yes, I know what you are thinking but a balanced sex life will make a lot of other things seem a lot less dramatic. and alcohol? well, do I really have to explain all the vices?
posted by krautland at 2:23 AM on November 12, 2006

There isn't much you can do about hatred except recognize that it's usually not productive to lash out because of it (it sounds like you already understand this). That and avoid the source of hatred as much as possible. Time and distance will help it fade, and I've found bitching about it to sympathetic friends to be somewhat theraputic (if this involves something really private, consider talking to a therapist). That said, there's no way to turn off emotions.

In my case, there was a specific time past which I knew that I would never have to deal with the person again. If you have a time (or some other situation) that will lead to disengagement, focusing on that can help avoid a sense of hopelessness.
posted by Humanzee at 2:27 AM on November 12, 2006

Maybe the problem is that you don't hate this person enough. [I'll say him for simplicity's sake -- the gender doesn't matter.]

Don't fight your reaction to him, fight him. Hate him so much that you aren't angry anymore, you are cold. Become a weapon. Dedicate every cell in your body to fighting him by any effective means. Every look or word or act or smile of his is a tactic, and you know how to counter every one, because you've seen them before. But he hasn't seen this side of you.

He won't know what to do when his power over you is gone. He will shrink before you.
posted by Methylviolet at 2:29 AM on November 12, 2006

Hatred for me goes hand in hand with feeling helplessly exposed to a person's actions which affect me adversely.

So the way forward for me is to take control of the situation (at least in my mind). Once you have worked out what to do to end the situation you can channel your energies into working on resolving the situation and not into hating that person.

A joint goal like that might also help the other people you mentioned - if the situation is such as allows you to share this with them.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:30 AM on November 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

And the other person can no longer feed of your hate which will confuse them to no small degree. It is the knowledge of the pain they cause you and the paralysing effect this has on you which gives them power. If you take control they have nothing.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:32 AM on November 12, 2006

Understand that hate hurts you most and if you've been wronged and are tired of hurting, you need to let go of your hatred. Compassion for imperfect souls and telling yourself over and over that despite what you're feeling, you'll get past this. Take the power away from the person by just continually, every time you start to think that realize that hate cripples you and that you're not about to let that happen anymore.
posted by dflemingdotorg at 4:12 AM on November 12, 2006

Anon, you have presented a complex question in the guise of a simple one. It's not like this question hasn't come up before and taken up one helluva lot of human enterprise.

Why do you hate him? Hate is usually reserved for someone who means something to us for one reason or another. Otherwise, indifference is usually the emotion.

You hint that it's ongoing, so you're stuck in a continuing circumstance that will expose you to further pain or hurt?

Are you hurt by this person? Is there something you want from him? Is he hurting someone else and you feel/are powerless to affect that?

You should ask yourself....do you need this hatred? Is nursing it providing you with motivation? Is it born of fear in some fashion? Where does it come from?

The best antidote I have found for hate is indifference. Even the christians fear separation from god more than punishment. Strive for understanding and detachment.

Practically, I'd say exercise, practicing intentional indifference, removal from the circumstances that keep the hate fresh, and learning from whatever experience precipitated this hatred are all beneficial. Study Bhuddism. It's conceptually rich in this area. I love pracowity's idea... channel it into something creative... poetry, writing, art, civic action, something at odds with the offender's values and principles. Do something good with all that negative energy YOU ARE PRODUCING.

Remember, our days are limited. Hate is so counterproductive to our personal happiness that we all have to learn how to manage it and keep our adversaries from stealing away the best parts of our very short lives. It's way too short to spend emotional energy on the unworthy. Find someone to love, or protect, or encourage and do so. Counterbalance that hate with an abundance of outwardly directed love.
posted by FauxScot at 5:55 AM on November 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Pray to God for help and for compassion towards this person. As Jesus once said, it's easy to love the ones who love you back - even the wicked do that. It's far more difficult to love and pray for someone who hates and despises you.
posted by dropkick at 5:59 AM on November 12, 2006

you say you're not ready to forgive, but that is usually the only way hate actually goes away. Hate is an active emotion. It is useful if it motivates you to take action on something - if you hate the person who murdered your friend, you may be energized to bring him to justice, etc - but if it leads only to frustrated seething, then it is just hurting you. If you cannot channel your hatred into some activity that will make things better, then you are just stewing in your own impotent anger.

If there really is nothing you can do, no way to make it better, then a kind of "unloving forgiveness" can be a good way to start. Don't forgive them for their action; forgive them for being such a deeply fucked up human being. Think of how your initial impulse after stepping on a rusty nail is to get angry at the nail - and then recognize that that's not gonna help. Forgive the stupid nail. You don't have to have any positive feelings toward it, but frame it as unfortunate accident that your path crossed with this error of a person.

Maybe at some point you will find a deeper and more healing forgiveness, but don't even worry about that for now. Your anger and moral outrage is frustrated by the fact that this person is not on the same moral compass as you, does not respond to or agree with your assessment of the meaning of their actions. Don't keep trying to break through to them: write them off as morally retarded. Hatred is a recognition and expectation of humanity - humanity that is failing. Dislike is what you feel for rusty nails.
posted by mdn at 6:17 AM on November 12, 2006 [4 favorites]

Maybe you need to forgive *yourself* for trusting the other person enough to let them hurt you.
posted by cardboard at 6:42 AM on November 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

write them off as morally retarded.

Pretty much exactly what I do. I find I can stop being so annoyed/hurt/angry with people if I stop assuming that they are operating on the same plane as I am. I hold such people to a lower standard (and consequently allow them far less influence in my life, and mentally append "yes, but you're crazy/immoral/contemptible" to everything they say) than those whose morality/sanity/whatever I consider comparable to my own. Hatred is a very powerful emotion, and a huge waste of energy most of the time, plus it's harmful to you, put that energy into something more useful to you, someone whose behaviour is so contemptible that it inspires you to this level of emotion is, paradoxically, completely unworthy of being allowed to have that much of an impact on your life. If you have to see them, be polite, cold and fully detached, take the high road, but cut them off completely from everything but basic social civility.
posted by biscotti at 7:09 AM on November 12, 2006

The best revenge is living well. But of course, there are those who believe in keeping their friends close, and their enemies closer.

Me? I find that cold evil is cathartic, even if it's not supposed to be, and a little cool evil each day is a balm for the tortured soul.
posted by paulsc at 7:17 AM on November 12, 2006

I put in a mecha thread that forgiving someone doesn't mean you can't still be angry or have to have anything more to do with them.
posted by brujita at 7:31 AM on November 12, 2006

Your hate is this person controlling you and hurting you further. The opposite of both love and hate is indifference, and this is what you must cultivate. Cut this person from your life and your emotions. You should no more hate this person than you hate a splinter in your finger. It is sub-human.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:35 AM on November 12, 2006

I've remove myself from the lives of people who affect me this way. I knew they wouldn't change, that my hatred would continue to be renewed every time I interacted with them, and cut my losses.
posted by empyrean at 7:58 AM on November 12, 2006

If you have the money, totally get a therapist, because you will want to bitch far more often than your friends will want to listen, and you don't need to be causing any more problems. Or you could start an anonymous livejournal just for bitching. That's what livejournal is for. Well, that and quizzes.

I don't think forgiveness or understanding necessarily works, because most people aren't really capable of being forgiving while still maintaining a moral continuum in their heads, so it just kind of ends up as a vague ethical fuzziness that means that you won't ever be able to say you had the courage to stand up for your convictions, because you won't have any.

Also, anything that's good for stress relief is good for keeping the hate at a more intellectual (rather than emotional/visceral) level. When you start feeling angry, take a walk or do something else that's a physical activity.
posted by dagnyscott at 8:37 AM on November 12, 2006

How can you stop yourself from hating someone?

Pity them.
posted by tkolar at 8:41 AM on November 12, 2006

One of the reasons this person matters so much to you may be that you see something in them that you hate in yourself.

Figure out what that is, forgive yourself for it, and take steps to change it.

Also, pray for that person (or wish them well, if that's easier). Pray that they are happy and at peace and have everything they need.

This practice tends to kick up a lot of internal resistance. The little voices inside writhe and cry and moan about how this person doesn't deserve happiness. Ignore them, and just hold benevolent thoughts in your head. Try it for 15 seconds whenever you are feeling tormented by hatred.

I work with someone I can't stand, and I find that this helps cool the hot coal of resentment that is so painful to carry around.

"Not forgiving is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die." -- Anne Lamott
posted by ottereroticist at 9:36 AM on November 12, 2006

Try to remember that hate takes up too much of your energy, and that's energy that you could redirect into doing something that will counteract some of the things this person (presumably) does that are so heinous. Don't get me wrong - sometimes that really strong emotion can be what drives you to do what you need to do to overcome such people, but in a lot of cases, you hate becuase you feel helpless, and hate's all you've got left. In one such case for myself, I simply did everything I could do about the problems this person caused, and I then declared the person dead to me. I know, it sounds harsh, but unless it requires legal action, I don't have any thing to say about the person, and nothing to do with the person.

Nothing.

I cancel the person from my life. Period. I've got so many better things to than think about how much harm was done, and how angry it made me, but I can either allow the person in my life and brood, or I can excise them from it and move on. People who are terrible enough to make you hate them are like a cancer, so treat them like one.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:03 AM on November 12, 2006

Often, this kind of rage carries physical reactions along with it. A quickening of the breath and the pulse, a clenching of teeth or a cracking of knuckles. Abstract emotional reactions are difficult to control. Physical cues are a bit easier.

When you feel that tightening of your chest or that rush in your breath, focus on reigning those impulses in. Slow your breathing and turn away from those negative thoughts - waste no energy on trying to solve them while you're in this scattered, angry state - simply master what your body is doing with your feelings, then return to your feelings with a clear head.
posted by EatTheWeak at 10:08 AM on November 12, 2006

Black humour. Degrade the person (at least in your mind) by mocking them. This can also be very good for the sanity of other people you're taking care of.
posted by crabintheocean at 10:28 AM on November 12, 2006

The last time I really hated someone, part of the intensity for me was that the relationship/bad interactions made me behave and think in a way that I didn't like -- the other person sort of brought me to their level, in a way, and the "tainting" made me sick to my stomach. Part of my process was to identify where I had not followed my own values, and own up to those times. Once I did that I was able to treat the person with indifference, and the intensity left, because I had re-gained my own ethical position (which I did for myself, not for them).
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:33 AM on November 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
--Irish proverb
posted by jason's_planet at 12:59 PM on November 12, 2006 [3 favorites]

I handle it by saying to myself, "I'm not going to let this fucker get to me." When I'm in the presence of the hated one, I have to repeat it silently every few minutes.

You can't will away your hatred, but you may be able to replace it with something else for periods of time. Perhaps it would help if you firmly remind yourself, "What I need to be doing now is...."

The person I loathe used to cause a lot of pain in the lives of people I care about, and continues to be poisonous though her role in their lives has diminished. Surprisingly, I feel less angry when I'm consciously thinking, "She's evil and I can't do anything about it, I can't fix it, I can't change the past, I can't prevent any of it in the future."
posted by wryly at 1:32 AM on November 13, 2006

Drop down and give yourself 25 push-ups or crunches everytime ... everytime ... you think about this horrible situation.

Buy a punching/kickboxing bag and have at it.

Reach out to a friend (or friends) who is willing to listen whenever you need to talk.

Pour it all out in a journal each and every day.

Pray, chant, meditate, contemplate.

Reconsider forgiveness. It's a tool that can keep you from being consumed by resentment -- even if you have to do it 50 times a day. Can you forgive just long enough to stave off your impending cerebral hemorrhage? Start with that.
posted by w_boodle at 5:23 AM on November 13, 2006