Comments on: What to do about the odd father out?

Question: What to do about the odd father out?

jammer — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 11:01:48 -0800

I want to bring alcohol for Christmas. This being AskMe, of course there is...

My immediate family all live in the same area of North Carolina. I usually send them individual gifts for Christmas, but when I fly to visit them I tend to just bring one, smaller gift for the whole family, due to the financial cost of travel.

This year, now that all my siblings are old enough to enjoy it, I've been thinking of buying a very nice bottle of wine for the family to share. I think it would go over very well. The only problem: my father is a recovered alcholic. He's fine with people drinking around him -- and mom even encourages us to imbibe for the holidays -- but, so far as I know, he's not had a drop in over a decade.

Clearly, he could not partake of this gift. To complicate matters further, at only 60, he's sadly in fairly shaky mental (and physical) health, and I'm beginning to think he may not be around for many Christmases more, so I'd like to be sure I get something he'd appreciate.

He has no real other vices -- he gave up smoking and drinking at about the same time and, until his health began to prohibit it, spent almost all his time working like mad to support his family.

Should I forego the wine and bring something universally enjoyable? Bring him a sidegift to make up for it? Just bring the wine knowing he'd appreciate the thought? Forego the whole idea and bring something else completely?

What would you do?

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 11:06:39 -0800

Bring something the whole family can enjoy together, like your father's favorite candy.

By: jerseygirl

jerseygirl — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 11:12:14 -0800

I say bring a wine, but don't make it the focal point of the family gift. When you get to NC, assemble or order a cheese platter with grapes or a nice chocolate platter perhaps. Your selection of wine might dictate what would be a better pairing -- chocolate or cheese.

Have the wine be an aside. That way everyone can enjoy the platter and those who wish to can enjoy the wine as well.

By: EatTheWeak

EatTheWeak — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 11:15:26 -0800

I would avoid the alcohol for the moment. When my brothers came of age, it was wonderful to be able to share a drink with them, so I appreciate with the sentiment you're angling for. But doing such a thing in the presense of a recovering alcoholic could be a bit insensetive, general coolness notwithstanding.

I would aim to include him in the "main" gift, rather than go after something of a consolation present. In the years to come, you'll have more chances to drink with your siblings than holidays with your Dad.

Really, though - wonderful gift idea on it's face.

By: different

different — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 11:52:30 -0800

What EatTheWeak said. I think you answered your own question really.

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:02:12 -0800

Enjoythe wine. Every recovered alcoholic I've known is accustomed to the fact that people still drink. Some alcoholics even take vicarious enjoyment in that. But I would buy your dad a gift. Something small that only he would enjoy. Who is going to complain about that or see it as "unfair"?

By: DevilsAdvocate

DevilsAdvocate — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:06:31 -0800

I don't know your family, but my sister is a recovering alcoholic, and like your father she's OK with other people drinking around her. At family gift-giving occasions, my brother and I sometimes give each other gifts of wine or other alcoholic beverages, but there's a general understanding that they're to be enjoyed by the recipient later, not opened and shared right then. I think it would be rude, at best, to bring something to be shared among all-but-one members of your family. A separate gift for just your father would be awkward, since you're not giving individual gifts there and then to each member of your family. Choose something else.

By: Amizu

Amizu — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:12:06 -0800

Skip the wine, or save it for some time when you and your siblings get together without your parents. It does seem rude to give a family gift that one can't enjoy.

By: ZackTM

ZackTM — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:17:24 -0800

yeah, I think it'd be rude and make him feel left out even though that wasn't the intention. It's like bringing a honey baked ham when one of your relatives is a strict vegetarian. It's not that you'd worry the vegetarian would crave a bite of the ham, but instead that they couldn't enjoy the gift which was meant for everyone.

By: iurodivii

iurodivii — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:49:16 -0800

Share something non-alcoholic that the whole family can enjoy together then take your siblings out and buy them a top-shelf srink or two at your local watering hole. No need to pass up sharing a nice drink with your siblings now that they can share it with you. And as new/younger drinkers teaching them a thing or two about ordering a drink at a bar can be more important than the drinks themselves.

By: gauchodaspampas

gauchodaspampas — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 13:02:47 -0800

I second getting a cheese platter, and emphasizing that, while also getting some wine to go with it.

By: philad

philad — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:12:38 -0800

I agree with jerseygirl - give the wine but don't make it the focal point of the gift.

By: twirlypen

twirlypen — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:53:26 -0800

I guess giving the wine but not having it be the 'main' present defeats the purpose of spending the whole present budget on a bottle of nice wine. Either you guy a great wine and drink it on the day, which could make your father feel left out, or you don't buy the wine at all. At least, not a wonderful bottle. If you think he wouldn't enjoy being around everyone else while they enjoy your present, then get something else.