How do you meet people?

November 4, 2006 4:58 PM

How do you make friends? As usual, there are complications inside.

Last summer I moved to Milwaukee to live with my then-fiance. Now that the wedding is over and I have more free time, I'm starting to realize how alone I really am here. My closest friends live an hour away, and I don't have many acquaintances in the city.

Here's the thing...I live in Milwaukee, but I work at a fairly stressful job down in Illinois (I work at a high school). The commute is painful and doesn't leave much time in the evening. And, of course, all my coworkers live down there. I get out and volunteer one evening a week, and while it's a worthwhile cause it's not the type of thing that leads to meeting people. Also, between my husband's job and his hobby of playing in a band, he's always gone a couple evenings or weekend days a week. Since I want to be home when he is, and since his evenings away vary, I'd have trouble getting to a class or seminar that meets at a regular time each week. And if that was enough, I'm naturally extremely shy. Making friends is tough under the best circumstances, but now it's nearly impossible.

I want to get out, meet people, and make friends, but whenever I try I always come away frustrated. I hate to think that I'll just have to wait until next school year when I can get a more local job and then socialize with my coworkers. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks!

posted by christinetheslp to human relations (20 comments total)

Here are some past threads on the issue.
posted by IndigoRain at 5:11 PM on November 4, 2006

Does your husband's band play at places where others would congregate, like bars or clubs? If so, maybe you could go to his gigs to meet people there.
posted by decathecting at 5:17 PM on November 4, 2006

Try this.

And be ready to be disappointed, but don't give up. If you answer about 10 of these, you might get one or two you'll actually follow up on in real life. After 10 real life visits, you might have one or two friends.

Good luck.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:40 PM on November 4, 2006

Pick a church and go to it every week, then go to their other activities during the week. I'm serious.
posted by crapples at 5:44 PM on November 4, 2006

IndigoRain, thanks for the links. However, a lot of the advice seems to be, "Take a class!" "Volunteer!" "Hang out with co-workers!" "Go to local attraction X!" "Strike up conversations with strangers!" None of which I can do. :-(
posted by christinetheslp at 5:44 PM on November 4, 2006

Can you move? Meeting people is hard, and long commutes sucks for numerous reasons, in addition to making it hard to meet people.
Can you switch volunteering group for something more social?
Your husband seems pretty outgoing. Can you borrow his social circle?
You want to be with your husband in the evenings, and you also want to meet people. Can you compromise siding 100% with your husband. To dull the edge of the decision, try commiting to a weekly activity, but only for a fixed time, like 2 months, then re-evaluate.
Practice striking conversation with strangers. Practice hard, like your life depended on it. In a way, it does.

Life is sometimes the sum of the constraints we put on ourself.
posted by gmarceau at 5:55 PM on November 4, 2006

"None of which I can do. :-("

Sounds like you're going to need to compromise on one or some of these things. You don't make friends by sitting around at home.

I moved across the country a year ago, and I had few friends in my new city. For awhile I moped around, out of my element with not being surrounded by a bunch of people I had known for years. What worked for me was... finding something I liked to do on weekends/weeknights and getting out to do it. In my case it was joining up with a pirate radio station (I had DJ experience, was interested in radio and already go to lots of rock shows by myself) and a rowing club. I've met lots of cool new people through these things, and I have a much more active social life now than I had before.

There's no magic bullet - you have to go out and make yourself known to people. The rest will come naturally.
posted by autojack at 5:58 PM on November 4, 2006

I am answering this since - I moved to a new city last year and I would also classify myself as very shy and some of what I will suggest below worked for me.

My suggestions are similar to some of the posts above, but craigslist is a great resource (although I use activity partners). What are your interests? Write that are you looking for others to engage in activity _____ (insert your hobby). For myself, I have found that active activities (like biking) make initial interactions for shy people more pleasant as you cannot converse most of the time. At least a few people will respond looking not only to have a person to interact with for that particular activity, but also looking for a friend and those individuals will be very proactive (you will not have to worry about making the initial effort).

What about a bookclub? That will only require meeting 1x/month - although if you are working and commuting you may not have time to read the book.

If there is an activity that you are very interested in and if your husband is willing to go along with you to the first meeting, why not join a club for your particular activity (google your city plus activity and clubs should come up)? If you are shy, having someone along with you the first time or two will help and after that you can go on your own.

I am also going to second gmarceau's suggestion - compromise and stay with your husband on most nights but go out to a club, class, or activity 1x/week - and commit to that too. Surely your partner wants you to be happy and meet people and it will give you something new to talk about with him.

Best of luck.
posted by Wolfster at 6:56 PM on November 4, 2006

Make yourself your best friend and go have a great time at whatever interest you. You could be surprised at how many other friendships arise out of enjoying yourself and not looking for others to fulfill that. I say that warmly. Good luck.
posted by cjburton at 6:57 PM on November 4, 2006

There's no magic bullet - you have to go out and make yourself known to people.

That's the main thing. Not everything you do will end up with you around people you like either, or people that like you. Such is life.

Instead of coming away frustrated from ones that don't work out, make an effort to see it as an opportunity to learn what about that particular thing wasn't working out.

If you have things you like doing, just spend a lot of time online searching for groups of people in your city that get together to do them together. Knitting is huge right now, and there are tons of knitters circles, for example. Martial arts clubs are also very active in a lot of ways and often do social things outside of work. Wine tasting. Beer tasting. Book clubs.

If you prefer small groups, start with people you know and invite them over for movie night and grab a projector and laptop from work and make your house a theater for one night. Or find someone to do weekend art galleries with.

The main thing is that you can't sit at home and think your way into friendships with people. And sometimes when you try out a group of people they may end up being a bunch of loons you don't want to be around, and that's just a risk you take. But if you fall down, you get back up and try again and remember what caused you to fall down before. :)
posted by smallerdemon at 7:05 PM on November 4, 2006

Modren life does not lend itself to socialization. Most people make more friends in the first week of college than in the next decade. There is nothing like being thrown together with a bunch of people who come without friends. The next best thing is to spend time with people, at work, at church, at groups (Sierra Club is a big dating scene for the younger members), at any place where you are put into social contact with others on a task or activity and then you get to cultivate a natural social friendship. Join something.
posted by caddis at 7:08 PM on November 4, 2006

There's a place on MLK (6th street) and McKinley called Bucketworks. It's got a kinda neat idea, they call it a gym for the mind. Basically it's a big old warehouse that they converted to a giant craft/ educational workshop.

I'm not a member, but the rate is pretty reasonable (if memory serves it's something like $30 a year) The neat thing is, if you want to be a member, you have to be prepared to really get involved. Leading a workshop, starting a debate, teaching how to do something.

I'm being vague because I got this kinda post modern hippie commune vibe off the place. But I was really impressed that they had computers, discussion rooms, a sound studio, a stage, a woodshop, and if they ever get their kiln set up, they'll get me as a member too.

I work nearby it and stopped in one day, one room was full of people discussing sci-fi books and another was running a werewolf card game. I'm pretty sure they use the upstairs area to teach yoga and dance.

On the whole it seemed pretty nifty, wasn't too expensive, and had a lot of creative people. I suspect if I had more free time (or they had the aforementioned kiln) I would be there everyday.

(one kinda of fun thing; in the summer they use the parking lot to do all sorts of weird shit, like fire juggling and stuff)
posted by quin at 7:14 PM on November 4, 2006

Is your job in Illinois anywhere near a train station (Metra, El or Amtrak)?

I ask because you say "the commute is painful" -- is it a draining drive? Could you maybe take a day every other week where you relax on the train and read/knit/listen to an podcast/etc.? It will probably make the commute longer, but it's good to get out of the isolation of a car. And it could give you the time to read for a book club.
posted by limeswirltart at 7:20 PM on November 4, 2006

You say:
between my husband's job and his hobby of playing in a band, he's always gone a couple evenings or weekend days a week. Since I want to be home when he is, and since his evenings away vary, I'd have trouble getting to a class or seminar that meets at a regular time each week.

Your husband doesn't seem to have any problem pursuing his hobbies on weeknights or weekends, leaving you to your own devices -- you're limiting yourself by rearranging your schedule around his. It'd be nice to always be home every night he is -- but since he has a variable schedule, it doesn't seem fair to me that you're dismissing regular activities because it might fall on a night when he's home. So you're faced with a choice.

If you're going to make new friends, part of that is stepping outside your comfort boundaries, and not using him as an excuse not to go out and do things. Maybe part of this would be talking to him to nail down a 'date night' where he doesn't go out on his hobbies, and instead spends it with you. Just a thought.
posted by canine epigram at 7:30 PM on November 4, 2006

I'd go along on the gigs. If nothing else, you'll meet the wives/SOs of the rest of the band. There's bound to be other people drifting through you can meet, and some of them are likely to have similar interests. It would solve the scheduling problem at least.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 8:15 PM on November 4, 2006

I moved to Toronto two years ago and had problems meeting people because I'm not working or in school. The friends I have now I met online on a political message board, livejournal and craigslist.
posted by Melsky at 10:16 PM on November 4, 2006

I agree with canine epigram to a certain degree. Your husband wants to play in a band, he does and it impacts your time together. You can choose to isolate yourself or you can choose to also use his time away to your own benefit. Time together and time apart are and should be negotiable. You've taken the first step in that direction by saying, "I need", but you're blocking yourself by saying "but I can't" instead of "how can I get there?"

In short, why be a martyr instead of an equal?
posted by plinth at 5:49 AM on November 5, 2006

Is it possible to get a job closer to home? That would give you far more flexibility in the evening and it would also reduce your stress burden a lot, giving you more energy to invest in meeting people.

I used to spend 2+ hours commuting every day, and sometimes it was much more if traffic was bad. I got a job closer to home and my total commute is now about 1 hour per day, and it's made a huge difference in my quality of life. It's far easier to meet people for dinner or a drink after work. Doing something social on a weeknight is no longer an all-night commitment - I can see someone for an hour and then go home and do other stuff if I want to.
posted by rhiannon at 10:39 AM on November 5, 2006

And remember, you don't make friends with salad.
posted by oxford blue at 3:19 PM on November 5, 2006

I'm a big fan of MeetIn.org. It won't help with your commuting or time problems, but it's definitely worth checking out.
posted by different at 4:15 AM on November 6, 2006