Where is my 12 YO sister?

November 2, 2006 2:47 AM

Where is my sister ??? Any experience with an abucted sibling? Any experience with false claims of domestic violence with regards to shelters?

My (now) 12 y.o. half-sister was abducted one year ago this month by her mother. They've gone underground and the mother has unjustifiably claimed domestic violence (despite the utter absence of violence and the fact that she never even lived with my father). I never thought it would last this long but the year anniverary is more or less upon us. They may have recently been kicked out of their most recent shelter-situation (perhaps even because the lie was uncovered) but because the various organizations do not have enough funding to share info with one another, the mother can easily bounce from charity to charity on this lie. What does one do? My father is the most sane, reasonable man ever (MENSA, even), but has no money to pursue it with ease, nor does anyone else in the family. As a result of the mother's actions, my father now has full custody of my sister (two minor details--1-- he doesn't know where she is, so custody is moot, and 2-- if he did have full custody of her, he would still make absolute certain that she had visitation with her mother and other siblings because he recognizes the importance). The mother is most likely paranoid schizophrenic (a diagnosis that was told to me by her sister but never repeated), but because she is so good at working the womens' help groups, will never be diagnosed as anything but a victim. The mother has already left behind three barely-grown sons who miss her very much. My father, my brother and I only want the very best (including a relationship with her mother) for our sister, but we don't want this. Any ideas???? I'm available for questions.

posted by mireille to human relations (39 comments total)

1) get a lawyer for your dad and attend the consultation with him. Your father's rights will vary according to state/national law.
2) get psychological support for yourself and for your dad. A missing sibling is a big issue to deal with.

Good luck.
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:36 AM on November 2, 2006

What does the law have to say about this? Legally, has she abducted (kidnapped?) your half-sister, or are they just a mother and daughter who have lost contact with other relatives? And have the courts determined that she "unjustifiably claimed domestic violence," or is that only your opinion? Your father was given full custody only after they disappeared -- what was the custody situation before? Are the police fully involved? What are the legal responsibilities of a women's shelter in such a case?

They may have recently been kicked out of their most recent shelter-situation
and
because she is so good at working the womens' help groups

How do you know that stuff? Have you been given some clue about their location? Been talking to people at the shelters?

Would the three sons be interested in locating their mother for you? For themselves? Assuming she has (or had) good relations with them, her children are the most likely people (other than shelter workers) to know where she is and there is a pretty good chance she will be near them if she can. If two or all three of the sons live in the same area, that is a likely spot to find their mother.

You might want to contact a "men's rights" group for advice or assistance. I don't suppose you would have to agree with all (or any) of their opinions and rants (on women or feminism or the courts) to ask them for specific help in locating your half-sister. They might find your case compelling if they see it as a father who was wronged in a custody case by a woman who made false accusations and manipulated the system to take his daughter away.

But if you're wrong about your father being good for her and you help him get her back, you're going straight to hell (or you would and should if there was such a thing), so be absolutely sure of yourself and your father before you do anything to change the situation.
posted by pracowity at 3:46 AM on November 2, 2006

They may have recently been kicked out of their most recent shelter-situation and because she is so good at working the womens' help groups"

How do you know that stuff? Have you been given some clue about their location? Been talking to people at the shelters?

Would the three sons be interested in locating their mother for you? For themselves? Assuming she has (or had) good relations with them, her children are the most likely people (other than shelter workers) to know where she is and there is a pretty good chance she will be near them if she can. If two or all three of the sons live in the same area, that is a likely spot to find their mother.

-- We have hints to their location based on some seemingly innocuous information from a family friend (that my father also befriended but whose allegiances ultimately lie with the mother) that led to the one shelter in the one state that provided such a service-- I will keep this detail private, with apologies. Said shelter has since been contacted, with great care.

-- Here is an excerpt from a recent emotional email describing a phone call that my father recently had with the director of the shelter where we believed them to be:

"So I asked: What would you do if you found out that someone had come into the shelter falsely claiming to be a domestic violence victim? She answered that if they found out that someone had "snowed/conned/gamed" the shelter, they would be told "we are sorry but you are no longer eligible for our services".

Would you sue them or charge them, I asked, and (she) said no, and again "the same goes for all other DV shelters in the US". And what if someone in a case like this got a
subpoena to get information from the shelter? "We would have it quashed, we always do and are always successful in that and it does not matter whether they lied to us or not".

Ok I said, so if this person has been sent away for lying about being a DV victim, can she go to another shelter and try again or is there communication between shelters to stop that kind of abuse? Michelle said "no, any sharing of information about clients between shelter directors or
other personnel is forbidden by law".

And does that mean that a person could repeatedly stay at different shelters and get free housing etc even though that person was never a DV victim? "Yes" And could this go on for years? " Yes".

--As for the three sons-- they are not educated or empowered enough to take on such an endeavor, and while two of them are of age (the other soon), they are not emotionally mature enough to see it through. The mother abandoned them very clearly, though, based on the few conversations we have managed to have with them.

--My father has a lawyer which he truly can no longer afford, but at the end of the day he doesn't want to rip a child from her mother's arms, or deny her visitation with her mother, no matter how bad the situation is now. To find the child and dramatically remover her from her (please believe me-- brainwashing-mother) might mean to traumatize her greatly [though her mother is undoubtedly (based on past experience) not doing her any great favors], we all only want what's best for her.

--And I, living hundreds of miles away, am so sad for my dad who just wants to be a part of her life. He doesn't even need custody of her-- the woman ran because she couldn't hold down a job and her bills caught up with her and the bank foreclosed on her house. She and my father exchanged my sister by court order at the police station-- I know this because I had to do it many times myself if I had a sleepover with her.

I can appreciate that if there was any chance at all that I was wrong, that I would even be more wrong to seek assistance .

But I'm not. There's not any question. The two are not legally allowed near enough to one another (based on her false charges in the past) for me to even have any opportunity to question it.

The quandary is this: how do we find her but not rip her from her mother's arms, because even though her mother is at fault, she is too young to understand? And if we find them, how do we ensure that they don't run again?

This has been hopeless for a year. Just checking the hive mind for broader options, if available. Thanks in advance.
posted by mireille at 4:22 AM on November 2, 2006

You may want to visit this page - it lists two groups that may be able to find you a pro bono lawyer or at least be able to help with the legal bills. It goes to BC, as I saw in your profile your in Vancouver.

There looks like there may be some helpful links at the top of the page about situations like this.

Hope this helps, good luck.
posted by plaidrabbit at 4:40 AM on November 2, 2006

My family and the mother/my sister are all in the States, though I appreciate the link!

Again, to you all-- I know this seems like an odd AskMe, but all of a sudden tonight in my insomniac state it occurred to me-- nothing else (i.e., waiting... ) has worked-- some relatively anonymous advice is exceptionally welcome! BTW-- my entire family (incl. my father) reads MeFi. I've very likely just outed myself to those who did not already know my pseudonym.
posted by mireille at 4:53 AM on November 2, 2006

While I understand your frustration with trying to track someone through a shelter system, there are--regardless of legality--very good reasons why shelters do not release information about people who have used their services. Domestic violence shelters are used, on the whole, as a temporary or stop-gap measure: rather than being designed for long-term tenancy, they're meant to help survivors of abuse start new lives. While there may be people who abuse these necessary services, it's important to remember that if shelters were to release information like this, people's lives could be put at risk. This is a long-winded way of saying that since you won't get anywhere (and with good reason) chasing up potential leads at shelters, I'd try another tactic. Perhaps filing missing persons reports at local police stations (ie - where you presume them to be) would be the way to go. And, please forgive me if I'm stating the obvious, but is it possible to contact either your mother or sister via email? If you send a non-threatening email, at least they'll know that you would very much like to get back in touch.
posted by lumiere at 5:20 AM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]

I fully agree that the systems are in place for very good reason. I just happen to be on the rare opposite side of that. I don't oppose it, and I'm not looking to get around it w/r/t the shelter system, just wondering if anyone has any other ideas. The missing persons report could work, but there is every chance in the world that they have effectively changed their names by this point. And just for clarification-- since she's my half-sister, her mother is not my own.

As far as email goes-- my sister was an avid mySpace user but hasn't logged in since days before her disappearance. I've even checked her friends' pages to see if she has a new username, but no luck. Email, unfortunately, is not an option.
posted by mireille at 5:27 AM on November 2, 2006

There are actually rather strong laws against parental abduction, which the father should be able to use against the mother. Google parental abduction and see where it leads you. I don't see why it wouldn't be possible to file a police report about a missing girl and have police everywhere searching for this kid. If the police interviewed the mother's sister, and asked her where Mom and the 12-year-old are, what will the sister tell the cops?

I do not think it would be profitable or possible to try to "crack the nut" of the women's shelter system. The women who run those things will close ranks against any man trying to find any woman therein, regardless of reason. You need to get the police on your side. Lay out the situation to date, point out that the 12-year-old is being kept out of school while Mom is on the run, tell them that X and Y and Z might have information as to this woman's whereabouts, get them to do the locating.
posted by jellicle at 5:39 AM on November 2, 2006

By letting your sister stay in shelters after being abducted by an unstable, schizophrenic, brainwashing mother just because he believes in the importance of the mother-daughter relationship is not doing anybody any favors. It sounds like your dad's sad that your sister is missing, but doesn't really feel any urgency to do anything about it.

Lawyers and shelter staff are not going to help you find your sister. Shelter staff will "protect" her from you, not knowing the full situation. Lawyers can help once she's found.

Either someone in your family is going to have to put in some serious time and shoe leather, or you should consider hiring a private investigator to track her down. If you believe your sister and her mother are shelter hopping with in a limited geographic region, it doesn't seem like tracking her down would be that hard for someone else in that region to do. Why isn't your dad trying? Are you sure he feels the same urgency that you do?
posted by croutonsupafreak at 6:39 AM on November 2, 2006

The sister is twelve years old, old enough to use myspace and has been around people who are *not* in mental distress. Why do you and your father think that she's too young to understand? She's been put through the experience of bouncing from shelter to shelter with this woman -- I would think she has drawn some conclusions about the situation, even if they are biased by her love for her mother.

If the situation is this serious, it might be time to look into more legal action if possible, including criminal charges. Your sister is likely out there without school or friends; it might be worth considering that there may be no clear resolution here and that she is going to end up with a negative view of at least one parent.
posted by mikeh at 6:44 AM on November 2, 2006

Why do you and your father think that she's too young to understand?

I was going to ask the same question. My brother went through a nasty battle a few years ago in order to gain custody of his kids, because their mother was making some bad decisions and he feared for their safety. My niece and nephew were 13 and 10 at the time, I think, and they were able to understand the situation and recognize that they didn't want to live with their mom anymore. 4 years later, they've come out of that situation more mature and reasonably well-adjusted. So I don't think a 12-year old is too young to understand what's going on.
posted by cabingirl at 7:01 AM on November 2, 2006

If your Dad has a court order granting him custody, in many jurisdictions, he's expected to be the parent responsible for her care and supervision. That means he's the person on the hook for her truancy, and he has financial responsibility for any crimes she commits, such as shoplifting. Moreover, he's the one responsible for getting her health care, and for providing her with shelter, food, and clothing. So, he has the right to call upon the police for assistance in finding her, and in having her returned to his custodial care so that she can recieve the benefits the court that awarded him custody of her expects him to provide.

He needs to immediately pursue this with the police as a missing persons/abducted child case. Failure to do this is not being kind to the child, and he can't risk her well being by assuming the mother who abducted her is capable of caring for her. Once the child's whereabouts are known, and her safety and well being assured, and she and your father are reunited in a normal situation where he can reasonably perform the obligations his custody grant requires of him, your Dad can set to work trying to create a situation where you sister can have visistation with her mother, if that still seems appropriate.

In the meantime, failing to vigorously pursue the child's recovery is nothing less than abandoning her to her kidnapper, in my opinion. Convince your father his responsibility is to go to the police, and provide them with whatever information he has that will help them locate her.
posted by paulsc at 7:13 AM on November 2, 2006

If she is bouncing from state to state isnt this a matter for the FBI? It seems as though a child's wellbeing is at stake here, and that it is more important to worry about finding her and returning her to her father then hurting anyones feelings. Once the child is in a stable situation then issues of visitation can be addressed. Until then you and your father should be relentless in trying to track her down, and should use any and all tools at your disposal.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:17 AM on November 2, 2006

A lot of kidnapped children are in fact taken by the parent that does not have custody. Kidnapping is the jurisdiction of the FBI and should be reported to them. It is assumed that all kidnappings cross state lines, and that's how they get jurisdiction. Call the FBI immeidately. You should have done this a year ago.

They have tremendous experience in these matters, and can be surprisingly sensitive when the kidnapper is a parent with mental illness and the kid has not suffered any physical abuse.

What paulsc is right, you must call the FBI, because it is abandonment, and reflects poorly on the father. Forget about treating the mom nicely, get the sister back safe. Then you can worry about mom.

Also as some have suggested, I think your sister has probably done a lot of growing over in the last year.

If you do not know where they are with enough precision to drive there and phsically grab your sister back, call the FBI.

Now.
posted by Pastabagel at 7:42 AM on November 2, 2006

I notice a lot of people are talking about lawyers. Get a lawyer after you get the kid back. Your dad has sole custody? Then under the law he is the only parent, and her mom is just some lady. Call the FBI, stop investigating, stop talking to shelters, stop creating a paper trail that can only be distorted and will haunt you later. (For example, your dad is calling the shelters? Your mom says, "My God, he was stalking me! He chased me from one shelter to the next! I couldn't get away!" Imagine that in open court.)

Reality - women's shelters assume that ex-husbands are scumbags. Stop playing Dick Tracy and call the FBI.
posted by Pastabagel at 7:47 AM on November 2, 2006

--My father has a lawyer which he truly can no longer afford, but at the end of the day he doesn't want to rip a child from her mother's arms, or deny her visitation with her mother, no matter how bad the situation is now. To find the child and dramatically remover her from her (please believe me-- brainwashing-mother) might mean to traumatize her greatly [though her mother is undoubtedly (based on past experience) not doing her any great favors], we all only want what's best for her.

You realize that the more times she spends with this mentally ill and "brainwashing" mother, the more likely it is that she will turn out the same way, right?

Something seems odd here. Has your dad been in contact with your mom?
posted by Pastabagel at 7:53 AM on November 2, 2006

All of your answers are right, right, right.

However, what's holding my father back is the impact that wrenching the child from her mother would have on her. She is just about to hit the age where she turns on her mother, recognizing at least some of her lies for what they are--but she's not quite there yet, and the years of lies that her mother has told her have a strong hold, as they would with anyone. This is a smart kid, but she is still mostly just a kid.

Sure, we could wait it out until she eventually seeks us out on her own, but we don't want that. On the other hand, we don't want to put her through an even more horrible situation than the one she's gone through. Can you imagine being twelve and having armed, uniformed men come arrest your mom and take you away? My dad doesn't want to be the cause of that situation, as it won't make for a great 'fresh start' in terms of trust and togetherness.

Any ideas as to how to handle the emotional part, if he were to go the FBI route (and yes, that is an option as she has likely crossed state lines...)?
posted by mireille at 7:55 AM on November 2, 2006

Pastabagel- again, half-sister, different mothers. Thanks for the comments so far!
posted by mireille at 7:56 AM on November 2, 2006

What do you think is worse for your sister. having armed men take her from the woman who KIDNAPPED her or staying in a situation where she will be bouncing from shelter to shelter in the care of a psychotic woman?
Your father is not doing her any favors by trying to shelter her, and you are doing him no favors by allowing him to continue with this path.
Of course it would be best if this situation could magically resolve itself, but it has been a year and it will not. Call your local branch office of the FBI today and talk to them about the situation, if your father is not cooperative then dont involve him in the investigation. He is the legal guardian of your sister, and he needs to do whatever it takes to remove her from this situation, even if it means sending her mother to prison.
It will be a traumatic situation for her either way, but the sooner she is returned the sooner she can start healing. Just think of it like pulling off a band-aid.
posted by BobbyDigital at 8:05 AM on November 2, 2006

You might want to check out this website, Takeroot.org, which is made up entirely of former victims of family abduction. They have support for people in your situation, and recommendations for how to sensitively deal with homecoming and re-adjustment.
They also recommend Team HOPE, which is a support network for families with missing children.

One of the things Team HOPE mentions is the Parent Locator Service --
"This service is for custodial parents only. Contact the local US Assistant Attorney(USAA) at your Federal Courthouse. Send the USAA a copy of your court papers, including divorce and custody decrees. The PLS will then contact the Justice Department who determines if the PLS should become involved in the case of your missing child. Under the Federal Parent Kidnapping Act of December, 1980, the PLS must help you restore your rights of custody. If you need further information, please contact Office of Child Support Enforcement-FPLS, 330 "C" Street SW, #2518, Washington, DC 20201 "
posted by katemonster at 8:13 AM on November 2, 2006

Also, the Parental Abduction Child Recovery Team provides services pro bono (they ask for a contribution to the expenses as you can afford, but will provide services regardless of donation) with experienced private investigators. They are very concerned with the best interests of the child, and work to include a therapist or social worker on the team working on the case.
posted by katemonster at 8:33 AM on November 2, 2006

A safe stable home environment is more important than spending time with a biological parent who is undoubtedly doing psychological harm, and may yet do physcial harm.

Get your sister back.
posted by ewkpates at 8:34 AM on November 2, 2006

It doesn't mattter if your father doesn't want to "wrench" her from her mother's arms - HE has sole custody and HE is responsbile for the girl's wellbeing. Full stop.

Right now the girl is likely not in school, has NO HOME, is spending the majority of her days with a woman who is probably severely mentall ill, who has KIDNAPPED HER, she's probably being exposed to all sorts of horrid goings-on at these shelters (drugs, violence, neglect, inappropriate sexual exposure).....and somehow this is better than "wrenching" her out of a situation?

Call the FBI.
posted by tristeza at 8:56 AM on November 2, 2006

However, what's holding my father back is the impact that wrenching the child from her mother would have on her. She is just about to hit the age where she turns on her mother, recognizing at least some of her lies for what they are--but she's not quite there yet, and the years of lies that her mother has told her have a strong hold, as they would with anyone. This is a smart kid, but she is still mostly just a kid.

Ok, this is bullshit. I'm sorry, but this is pure bullshit and your dad seems to be making excuses for himself about why he isn't taking any action.

My ex has a foster sister that is now 13. She came to live with them when she was 11 because her dad kicked her out and her mom was in jail. You think she wasn't old enough to realize what was going on? She knew perfectly well what was going on, and turned to her school counselor for help... and got what she needed. The daughter of a jailbird and a bodybuilder without two brain cells to rub together for heat is now a straight-A student, involved extensively in her church, and has an awesome boyfriend a year and a half after getting herself out of a bad situation ... because she had the resources and wasn't boxed in.

What you're doing is not HELPING your sister come to realizations about your mother, you're enabling your mother to keep herself as your sister's only avenue for support. She has no other support from school, friends, she probably can't contact you because her mother is paranoid and is watching her every move... She's boxed in. What in the bloody hell are you thinking?

Look. Stop being stupid. Stop enabling your dad and making excuses for him. Call the freaking FBI -now- ... unless there is something you have not told us, or don't know, about this situation that's keeping your father from doing anything. THAT part of the story reeks to all high heaven and back.
posted by SpecialK at 9:02 AM on November 2, 2006

However, what's holding my father back is the impact that wrenching the child from her mother would have on her.

As others have noted, this sounds funny. Parental abductions have resulted in AMBER alerts. Police and the FBI take this seriously now (mostly). I'd bet a good amount that there's more to the story.

It wouldn't surprise me a bit to find that you yourself don't know all the story.
posted by norm at 9:22 AM on November 2, 2006

Sorry, so she's not your mom? Then, her mom sucks, as a mom, and if what you say is true, as a human being too. Call the FBI ([phone]). I don't hear you dialing.

Call your local FBI field office.

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children: 1-800-THE-LOST (800-843-5678)

Parent Abduction Hotline: [phone] - can't vouch for this.

And, of course, 911, but you'll have some explaining to do, but worry about that later. You half sister is god-knows where doing god-knows what with god-knows who.

Stop reading this thread and start calling.
posted by Pastabagel at 9:25 AM on November 2, 2006

To both OP and the dad, separately or jointly: Stop copping out. You have the power to report this. Just fucking do it. Call the FBI, right now. While I'm generally not a fan of law enforcement in the US, the FBI kidnapping group is really the epitome of law enforcement I can stand behind.

Or, call one of the investigative charities mentioned above.

But, get professionals involved this instant. It's 1230h Eastern. Every office office mentioned is open in the United States right now. The FBI stations are all open. Call, you fool.
posted by Netzapper at 9:29 AM on November 2, 2006

Any ideas as to how to handle the emotional part, if he were to go the FBI route (and yes, that is an option as she has likely crossed state lines...)?
posted by mireille at 10:55 AM EST on November 2
[+]
[!]

Can I ask how old your are? Are you like 18, or much older than that.

As many have noted, something smells fishy here.

You're worried about your Dad's emotional state? When you recover your SISTER, you should probably get her into therapy with a psychologist seeing her on a regular basis.

Your DAD can do the same, but as he is responsible for letting her dangle for a year, I'm not inclined to a lot of sympathy. Sorry to be harsh, but a reality check is in order.

On a nicer note, there are a lot of places to call here.
posted by Pastabagel at 9:31 AM on November 2, 2006

Netzapper, FBI headquarters [phone] is open 24-7, as is 800-THE-LOST.

If you don't call, I'll walk down to the Hoover Building myself with a copy of this thread in hand. (seriously OP, please call, your sister is counting on you).
posted by Pastabagel at 9:35 AM on November 2, 2006

KateMonster lists good resources. If the case is as you understand it to be, then it's time to call in the big guns. I volunteer at a women's shelter, and there is absolutely zero chance of you getting anyone at a shelter to give you any information. I've seen babies...little tiny babies...beaten so badly that they couldn't move, and the fathers almost always claim that it was an accident, that they didn't mean to hurt the child/mother/whomever.

Nobody who has ever spent time at a shelter is going to help anyone who isn't a client of the shelter, or a potential client of the shelter. Abusers are often very charming, charismatic people...and shelter workers are immune to those skills.

I'm not suggesting that your father has done anything wrong, but I am suggesting that you're going about it the wrong way.

If your father has full custody, then the courts and police need to be involved. I will grant that a healthy bank account makes finding an abducted child significantly easier, but it's not a necessity.
posted by dejah420 at 9:36 AM on November 2, 2006

No one has mentioned - contact the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children and have a poster put up. The FBI may do this for you, I'm not sure. There are tons of kids up there whose cause of disappearance is abduction by non-custodial parents.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:10 AM on November 2, 2006

Thanks, all. I will be sending this link to my father so he can read it all firsthand.

You have made some points that I hadn't considered before. There is nothing fishy going on here-- it is a complex situation and there is a child's well-being at stake, and while the right answer may seem obvious in this simplified thread, it may not necessarily be what is best in the long run-- and really, who can tell?

Again, thank-you for the comments and links. I assure you, I will take what action I can. We had hoped that they would return by this time, but now I think my father is ready to take action as well-- hence the timing of my post.
posted by mireille at 10:11 AM on November 2, 2006

What a horrible situation. I would recommend you keep checking myspace to see if she put up a page, and also put up web and myspace pages about your search for her. Make it search friendly, so if she googles you or your dad, it will come up, with contact info. Make sure the left-behind siblings and other relatives know that you miss her badly, and want to help her have a positive relationship with her mother when she returns home. Maybe they'll help her find her way home, if she is in touch with them.

Is the Mom an Internet user? Make sure that your dad publicizes his desire to see his daughter and to keep her relationship to her Mom protected. Hwever, the Mom may be unable to come home because she'll be subject to arrest.

There are a lot of father's rights pages. They're often cheesy, and sometimes whiny about alimony and child support. But they may lead to resources that will help your dad find your sister.

If it were me, I'd spend my last dime on a private investigator.
posted by theora55 at 2:35 PM on November 2, 2006

and really, who can tell?
Well, for starters, the judge who awarded custody to your stable, sane father rather than the child's mentally ill mother.

I think that what a lot of people are frustrated about here is that you seem unwilling for some reason to accept that a child is better off in a stable home than with a crazy person. Will the transition be difficult? Absolutely. But that will be true whether the transition takes place now, a year from now, or five years from now. And your sister is more likely to be able to bounce back from the trauma she's now experiencing if the amount of time she's exposed to that trauma is limited.

It's obvious to all of us that if a child is being abused--and a child who is being dragged through the shelter system by a mentally ill woman who is keeping her from the rest of her family is being emotionally abused and neglected--you get the child out of the abusive situation. I just hope that you and your father come to the same conclusion in time to save your sister.
posted by decathecting at 2:58 PM on November 2, 2006

dejah420 is spot-on about shelters, and I'll just add that this kind of parental abduction -- happened a long time ago, schizo diagnosis isn't documented, custodial parent is wishy-washy about following up -- likely puts it way at the bottom of law enforcement's to-do list. (From a solid source, but YMMV.)

If you want action, you gotta do 3 things: (1.) Make a stink to law enforcement. Squeaky wheel gets the oil and all that. (2.) Do your own legwork. As long as the mother isn't McGuyver, any halfway decent PI has a decent chance of finding her. If you don't have the $, sounds like she has friends and relatives she speaks to often. Swarm them. (3.) Be prepared for the consequences. Once you go down the law-enforcement route -- and shepherd it along with your own efforts -- you gotta deal with the stink that will result if your'e successful. There will be no puppies and kittens and fields of daisies when this is all done. There will be recrimination and years of therapy.

But if the mom is really a schizo, it'll be better than the alternative. Paranoid schizophrenics don't get better over time, they get worse. And if they're short on cash, they self-medicate -- by any means necessary.
posted by turducken at 3:35 PM on November 2, 2006

...also, do this first: Contact the judge who originally awarded custody. If it was a family-law judge, they actually care about who comes through their courtrooms. He/she is your Virgil to the world of law enforcement.
posted by turducken at 3:37 PM on November 2, 2006

I finally joined MetaFilter after months of lurking just so I could answer this question. I have been in this exact situation before, except I was playing the part of your sister.

I was 13 when my paranoid-schizophrenic mother (undiagnosed at the time) kidnapped my brother and I and took us on a several-months-long trip across the US and into Canada, going from shelter to shelter, where she claimed to be the victim of domestic violence on the part of my father. She was lying. She gave false names--different false names at almost every shelter--and when she suspected "They" were onto us or closing in on us, we would move on.

It finally came to an end when the staff at one Canadian shelter suspected something was wrong and called the police, who had her involuntarily committed, and my brother and I were shipped back to our father.

Believe me when I tell you this was not a pleasant experience whatsoever. We were not "bonding" or otherwise cultivating any sort of relationship with our mother. We did not want to be there.

Please, please, please, you and your father need to get your sister back. I nth the suggestions to call the FBI, call the family court, etc. Wrenching your sister out of the situation is exactly what needs to happen. Yes, it will be traumatic, but the whole thing is already so much more traumatic for your sister than that would be, I can guarantee.

(Sorry if this was too much anecdotal information, but I thought I could/should represent your sister's perspective.)
posted by katra12 at 6:22 PM on November 2, 2006 [1 favorite]

MetaTalk.
posted by fandango_matt at 8:59 PM on November 2, 2006

reply from someone via email who is NOT ME:

Speaking as someone who at a very young age was kidnapped by a mother later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia (though I was two at the time and don't remember it), I'd like to second pastabagel's advice. Not resolving this a year ago was a major mistake; you do not want your sister spending a year in flight with a mentally ill parent. I'm not a psychiatrist, but there's a million obvious ways in which every day she spends in this situation is harming her. Stop screwing around and get her back immediately; at this point I assume that means contacting the FBI. Once your sister is home, both she and her mother will need to go through a lot of therapy before you should consider letting them see each other unsupervised. Take action now, now, now.

To reiterate, forget about your fears about armed men yanking your sister out of your mother's arms; this isn't a TV show. I had police officers commit my mother in front of my eyes at the age of 13 after she had a nervous breakdown and began leading my sister and I down the local highways on foot late at night. The officers were very sensitive and professional, and being confronted by them was much preferable to confrontation by my father or some private investigator would have been.
posted by jessamyn at 5:54 AM on November 3, 2006