I like her but am not interested in anything serious. Ideas for letting her know in a respectful way?

October 30, 2006 3:06 PM

A very sweet person who I am friends with began coming on to me very strongly. I like her but am not interested in anything serious. Ideas for letting her know in a respectful way?
posted by Zebtron to human relations (13 comments total)

Please clarify what "not interested in anything serious" means. Are you not interested in getting involved (physically/romatically) at all? Or are you interested in the possibility of getting involved, but just not seriously?
posted by scody at 3:14 PM on October 30, 2006

Can you also clarify what "coming on to me very strongly" means?
posted by amro at 3:26 PM on October 30, 2006

Or are you interested in the possibility of getting involved, but just not seriously?

A line I've used is, "Look, I'm not interested in a serious relationship right now, and it's not like you'd be looking for a one-night stand."

If she is, in fact, looking for a one-night stand, she'll find a way to correct you. And if she isn't — well, you haven't said anything disrespectful.

...if, that is, you're looking for non-serious involvement. But yes, clarification would help.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:28 PM on October 30, 2006

Since time immemorial, there's been only thing that can be said in this situation. That is to tell her "you just want to be friends."
posted by jayder at 3:29 PM on October 30, 2006

scody, I would assume the former. (see the tags)

If it were me and I was coming on to a girl and she wasn't interested, I would expect her to get weird and distant, and I would be expected to take the hint. Maybe try that first; if she says something flirty, frown and say "yeah... um...." in an awkward way, and change the subject. Hopefully she will figure it out and you will not have to embarass her by explicity telling her you're not interested.

The fact that she's a friend complicates it, because you can't just brush her off if she gets really persistent. Presumably you do actually want to spend time with her, just not in a romantic setting. Hmm...

Again, if it were me and I failed to take the hint (sounds about right), I would appreciate being let down in a way that allows me to save face, such that we can both pretend that I wasn't hitting on her. Like an off-the-cuff comment about how much she values our friendship, and how she wouldn't want it any other way. Or saying "you're such a good FRIEND" with a clear emphasis.
posted by PercussivePaul at 3:29 PM on October 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm going to assume you mean nothing physical. If that's the case, I suggest sitting her down and clearly state where you things are heading and where you want them to (or not to) go. I've been in the reverse situation a number of times where she doesn't want the relationship, and it's usually along the lines of, "I feel like our friendship is heading to the next level. However, I end up hurting any guy I get romantically involved with, and I like you too much as a friend to hurt you and damage our friendship." Though I might be miffed and disappointed, the people these situation happen with also have turned out to be some of my best and longest-remaining friends. Honesty goes a long ways.

However, what do you mean by coming on strongly? I'm really bad about flirting with my female friends without even realizing it. Sometimes friends get to such a comfort level where they don't think anything of it.
posted by jmd82 at 3:34 PM on October 30, 2006

I wouldn't use the line jmd82 recommends. That will probably indicate to her that you are starting to become attracted to her, and are holding back out of some misplaced (as she sees it) nobility, or something.

If it's more than just casual, friendly flirting - if she's inviting herself over, showing up naked in your bed, etc, just say what you say in your title, "I like you. You're a really sweet girl and I like hanging out with you, but I'm not interested in anything more than that." She might be hurt for a while, but she'll probably get over it.
posted by muddgirl at 3:57 PM on October 30, 2006

Date a bit? If she knows you're interested in other people, that might give her the hint she needs.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 4:25 PM on October 30, 2006

Geez loueeze! Just tell her the truth and don't play games. If she doesn't want to be friends anymore, then what have you really lost? You don't need to humiliate her or make little of her feelings. Just lay it on the line so you can both get past this and continue to be friends.
posted by Lockjaw at 5:00 PM on October 30, 2006

Whatever you do, do not "lead her on" by acting even vaguely interested. People do that all the time, intentionally or otherwise, and it's just plain cruel. Lots of folks seem to think it's polite, somehow, but it isn't.

...then be honest, plain-spoken, and nice. Don't lie, don't use euphemisms, and don't hurt her feelings. Don't raise your voice, and don't equivocate.

Make sure you tell her you value her friendship, and make sure she knows you don't think she's some kind of freak. Then ask if she wants some time to herself for a while, and if she does, provide it. Be extremely careful how you compliment her, since that can be seized upon as "evidence" that you really do have romantic feelings for her.
posted by aramaic at 5:44 PM on October 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

Seconding PercussivePaul -- there are ways to do this without causing her to lose face. When someone prematurely busts out the "let's just be friends" line, it's like having the embarrassment and rejection of a breakup without the benefits of the relationship.
If you normally do things in groups, decline her invitations to do things alone. Shift your interactions to more non-date-like settings. Talk about other girls. Ask her to set you up with her friends.
It's not clear how obvious she's being -- if she is doing the show-up-naked-in-your-bed kind of stuff, then you've clearly got to talk. But if there's room for you to plausibly misinterpret, I think letting her save face is the generous thing to do.
posted by katemonster at 6:04 PM on October 30, 2006

If she really is "coming on very strongly," then, unless she is socially inept, your simple refusal to acknowledge her overt signals should be enough. The next level is a simple "please don't do that," when she pushes her tits against your back, or bites your ear, or whatever these unspeakable strong signals are that she's giving you. She'll probably be embarassed and stop. The less of a big deal you make out of the rejection, the easier it will be for her to recover. A big sit-down talk is likely to get you an angry 'Well aren't you full of yourself...' which could turn into an even worse situation.
posted by bingo at 8:39 PM on October 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

if you want to maintain the friendship i suggest you just tell her. i recently found myself in the girl's situation. the guy who was a very good friend did not make it clear what he wanted or rather didn't want.

people were perceiving us as a couple and we kept correcting the misconception. one day i was waiting for him to put somebody right and he just looked at me and said nothing. from then on we just let people think we were a couple when we were not!

i ended up getting way too emotionally involved and eventually ended the friendship - not because he wasn't interested but because the situation had been allowed to continue for too long causing too much pain.

the respectful thing would have been to just say - thank you but no thank you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:02 PM on October 31, 2006