When good mentors go bad.

October 23, 2006 5:00 AM

My mentor makes unhelpful negative comments when I ask questions, and gets snippy when I don't do as she suggests. What can I do?

The artistic director of my theatre group recommended me to direct our Shakespeare production for the year because she wanted to take a break. She offered to mentor and support me through the process.

Now as things are getting going she's making negative comments to the effect of "well I would have done that by now" or "this should have been sorted out weeks ago".

Often, these comments are about things that are being discussed for the first time.

She knew my experience and background before recommending me, so its not that she believes me unqualified to do the job.

It would be "politically" unwise to exclude her completely from the production, but I'm starting to dread asking questions or advice.

To make matters worse, if I make a decision that isn't in line with her opinion I get a minor temper tantrum.

My options seem to be:

1. Continue as things are, effectively doing things 'her way'
2. Listen to her advise, but make my own decisions, regardless of the 'political' fall out.
3. Find a new mentor

or some combination of all three. Any other suggestions?

posted by cornflake to human relations (18 comments total)

Listen to her advice, but make your own decisions, regardless of the political fall out.

This is a developmental opportunity for you. As a leader, it's important to have the ability to listen to individuals who don't agree with you, and who have strong opinions, but to take another course of action. Being able to explain your decisions back to that person is also important, as it shows that you have listened to them, but that you have a good justification for doing what you want to do.

You don't have to agree with your mentor. You don't have to do what they want you to do. But you should listen to them, and you should consider their advice, no matter if you end up taking it or not. And yes, it will be rough from time to time!
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:27 AM on October 23, 2006

Do you have a fourth option: Talk to her and ask her about the behavior you're seeing?

It's possible that she did mean well by inviting you to direct, but now when push comes to shove, she's having a hard time letting go of the reins. That's not unusual, especially in an atmosphere where autocratic leadership is business as usual, like the theater. Do you think she is an otherwise good mentor and talented professional, who is just acting weird in this case?

If so, maybe it's worthwhile to sit down privately, point out examples of this behavior, and ask her how you and she can best go forward together in a way that's healthy (here's the rub) for the production?

Using the production as your main concern will eliminate the "who's the better director" personal, competitive angle that she might perceive. Play to her experience and point out that, as she certainly has experienced in the past herself in the past, direction doesn't happen by committee. Nor should it, lest the cast and crew get confusing messages and the production loses its vision, etc etc. Emphasize that of course you want the mentoring and support she originally offered -- but that you worry that the current execution is bad for the company and the production.

If you don't think that will work, I say listen to her advice but make your own decisions regardless of the political fallout. Your name will be on the program, and you are the one holding the bag for the success of the performance, so do what you feel best.
posted by pineapple at 5:57 AM on October 23, 2006

I'd go with plan 4.

Outside of the theater, make an appointment to talk to her.

Ask her if something is wrong in her life. She could be under stress from somewhere else.

Then explain to her how much you treasure her insight and forethought; ask her why, suddenly she seems to be very negative, give two examples of such.

She's expecting you to mind-read, and do it her way (which just won't happen. Otherwise she should have been doing it herself.)

If she goes in to how you're screwing up, tell her you don't know the "vision" she has in her plans - and then the two of you ought to milestone and plan out the time up until the actual event.

Better yet, bring those plans and ask her what you've "missed" between now and the day of event. Ask her to point out anything you've missed.

It'll show you have initiative, but open for critique, criticism and guidance.
posted by filmgeek at 6:00 AM on October 23, 2006

You can try what filmgeek suggests, but based on extensive experience with people like this, I suspect "find a new mentor" is going to be your final answer.
posted by languagehat at 6:04 AM on October 23, 2006

"... recommended me to direct our Shakespeare production for the year because she wanted to take a break. ..."

So, she's coming back after your directoral interlude, right? Either you really are screwing up the company, and she wishes she hadn't recommended you, or, you're doing fine, if taking a different path than in previous years, and she won't be percieved as the stalwart she hoped to be seen as, when she comes back.

Either way, she's at least invested in your difficulties, now, as she ever might have been in your success. Your most direct route to having her positive support and a better working relationship, is to find ways of making your success a direct reflection of her wisdom to the company, and any shortcoming you evidence be seen as her failure of artistic guidance.

If you fail, will she bear any fallout? If you succeed, will she bask in any reflected glory? The answers to these questions, which you can subtly call to her attention, are her motivation to be proactive in assisting you as director. Put another way, you are playing, for this one season, the role of Director, and she, the Meta-Director. If you fail to Direct well, she has failed to Meta-Direct.
posted by paulsc at 6:40 AM on October 23, 2006

I've seen this dynamic at play in a variety of situations, and it can be very stressful. The mentor sounds like she has control issues, and people like that make lousy mentors. Is she a control-freak when she is in charge, or could it be that she is not used to being in the role? It's not uncommon for someone who is mentoring for the first time to be a bit overbearing, as if the final product is more a reflection upon their own abilities, rather than the apprentice's. It is hard for them to accept any variation that is outside their comfort zone. Sometimes they learn after a couple of bad episodes, and sometimes they never get it. If she tends to micro-manage in normal situations, you could be in for a tough time. If it was me ( and believe me, I've been there), I would try the 3-pronged approach, and try to turn it into a" learning how to cope with a diffficult situation" experience. I would be hesitant to confront this person about her personal situation. I might try a softer approach, like a " How about a 2 minute critique"? , or " How would you chart a course from here"? kind of thing.

on preview, also what languagehat and paulsc said too !
posted by lobstah at 6:54 AM on October 23, 2006

Stick with it and try to be as diplomatic as possible. It is a valuable lesson to learn how to work with difficult people while maintaining your cool. All too often people take the easy way out when faced with such difficulties.

Regardless of her personality, your mentor has experience which is extremely useful to you. Suck it up like a sponge and try to follow her advice as much as possible but use your head too. It will help to avoid conflict so try not to be argumentative even if the situation is deserving. Deflect her tantrums without becoming a whipping post. Be friendly and work with her but don't let her be overly controlling of the production. Remind her without being condescending, that you are the director and that you must have full control of the production.
posted by JJ86 at 7:21 AM on October 23, 2006

Be friendly and work with her but don't let her be overly controlling of the production. Remind her without being condescending, that you are the director and that you must have full control of the production.

You've never actually been in this situation, have you? Like world peace, that's a wonderful idea but it won't work. That kind of person will never surrender control, no matter how diplomatic the poster is. Let me remind you that in the real world, it matters who has real power and who doesn't, and in this case the mentor has all the power.
posted by languagehat at 7:31 AM on October 23, 2006

Deflect her tantrums without becoming a whipping post.

Could anyone break this down in detail? I have a similar situation at work, especially the whipping post part. Involves a very established employee appointed as trainer who not only had no interest in training anyone but (under the surface) may have felt threatened by my newness as well as my ability to "think outside the box".

Thank you, hive mind for your awesome insight. :)
posted by Carnage Asada at 7:41 AM on October 23, 2006

One thing that's important to know about mentoring is that, however wonderful and supportive the relationship was, most mentoring relationships end badly.

Mentoring relationships are inherently built on an unequal distribution of power. They end when the person being mentored is ready to go out on his/her own, i.e., when the power is no longer unequally distributed. My theory is that mentor unconsciously needs the "mentee" to be dependent on him/her. Heck, the former mentee could conceivably threaten the mentor's position! It all gets very Oedipal, and very unpleasant.

Try to talk this all over with your mentor - in particular, try to get her to remember the days when she was first on her own, out from under the shadow of whomever it was who helped her along. Let her know that you value and need her expertise and support, but that this is your big chance, and you need to be able to count on her supporting you doing it your way.

Hopefully this will work, but if it doesn't, just know that the breakdown in this relationship is part of what it feels like to break out and be independent.
posted by jasper411 at 8:58 AM on October 23, 2006

You've presented 3 options - they're not equal options, they're steps. Start with 1, as you develop your working relationship grow into 2, plan longer range for the probability of 3.
posted by scheptech at 9:23 AM on October 23, 2006

languahat posted: You've never actually been in this situation, have you? Like world peace, that's a wonderful idea but it won't work.

Of course. I've grown up most of my life in that situation. I've learned to ignore perpetual criticism without cutting off contact from my family. Yes, it works but it takes will and effort.

Taking the easy way out and severing contact does not make you a better person. Diplomacy is a necessary skill and you don't learn diplomacy by running or fighting. You learn diplomacy by keeping your cool and sense of reason in the fire of conflict with unreasonable people. You don't have to play the same game they want to play. You can set your own rules. Especially in cornflake's situation where he is given the full responsibility of the production, he has the upper hand. He will ultimately benefit from the experience she has but it will take a different tack to get what he needs out of her.

Deflection means not getting sucked into someone's little world of petty grievances. Changing the subject helps or changing the meaning of the disagreement. When someone brings up a point of contention in which you feel threatened, think about how that disagreement can be put in a different light that doesn't put you in the defensive. There are many classes in conflict resolution in which you can learn strategies in getting things done without degenerating into a battle of wills or even an all-out free for all.
posted by JJ86 at 10:20 AM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Do I really have to point out that family is utterly different from work? Most of us put up with shit from our family that we would never in a million years tolerate in a work situation. You deal with your mother's neuroses because she's your mother; there's no reason to deal with the neuroses of a power-mad mentor. You don't "learn diplomacy" by getting screwed over. And you have absolutely no grounds to say "he will ultimately benefit"; he may wind up scarred and bitter from the experience, with no discernible benefit at all.
posted by languagehat at 11:24 AM on October 23, 2006

languagehat, I would hardly say that family is different from work. Obviously, cornflake isn't asking about help working at Walmart. This situation is discernibly different and depending on how he manages to handle it could have lifelong repercussions which could destroy his career. To cut off contact with this person will do him no good under most circumstances.

You also mention the fact that the mentor has all the power in his situation. In the OP, the mentor has only as much power as cornflake allows. It can be complete power or it can be none. He can be coerced into giving her complete power but he can also take all the power from her without cutting her out as his mentor. A mentor is an advisor, not a dictator.

Of course you are entitled to your own opinion. AskMefi is about advice and can include opinions. It is up to cornflake to decide, not you and not me. The funny thing is that you have taken the position to make the decisions for cornflake about which advice is correct and to turn this thread into a debate. Why exactly?
posted by JJ86 at 11:46 AM on October 23, 2006

I would try to balance the three that you have as best you can, but know that this person is set in her ways, and probably will want to do it her way whatever you do. Good luck.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 12:19 PM on October 23, 2006

This is a major element of my professional life. One tactic that can ease a lot of tension is to "defer" by phrasing things as questions...questions where the answer is very obviously yes. "Wouldn't it be more efficient to get text to the designer before she starts the final draft of the playbill, to maximize the time for which we pay her?" Similarly, in response to a snippy criticism, reply with a clear explanation of what decision you made and what you did, and follow it with "your thoughts?"

Don't let her goad you into an argument. If she starts revving up for a temper tantrum, suggest that you defer that discussion to another time so that you can get through the rest of the items on the list of things to discuss with her.

Try not to bogged down in how irritating and micromanaging this behavior is, because you'll invariably miss some really good advice buried amongst the petty advice. That's the worst thing about these people -- every once in awhile, they are absolutely right or really do know something crucial.
posted by desuetude at 1:43 PM on October 23, 2006

Obviously this person does not understand what the term "mentoring" means. At best, this situation could be termed "delegating", but they're not doing that right either. The reason you want a mentor is to get the benefit of something you don't have: experience. You're sort of getting that, but it's all negative. So it's more like delegating, but when you delegate you have to be prepared for people to do things differently. The tantrums say they're not mature enough to handle that.

If this was your choice as mentor, I'd wholeheartedly recommend you get someone else. Not everyone is a good mentor and even if they are there's always the possibility any given relationship won't work out. You're the best judge of the possible repercussions of dropping this person as mentor, but that would be my advice. If you can't do that, ignoring their advice sounds like a opportunity for further conflict but will be the option that allows you the best opportunity to learn and gain experience. If you can get another mentor and can handle the consequences, that's what I'd do.
posted by tommasz at 3:28 PM on October 23, 2006

Flatter the living daylights out of her; tell how much you rely on her, etc. It's very hard for creative people to let someone do their job, not their way. It feels instinctlively wrong. Flattery just helps reduce the conflict. Ask specific questions, ask for help with a timeline of tasks. Be relentlessly cheerful and positive and don't let her get to you.

Lots of good advice above. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 4:35 PM on October 24, 2006