Stable and safe or.... the unknown?

October 17, 2006 9:36 PM

Should my boyfriend and I break up?

So this is pretty complicated, but here we go... I went away for a weekend to go to a friend's wedding in San Diego. While I was there, I met someone new that was really interesting, attractive, and exciting. We didn't meet intentionally, but he was the best man for the wedding and, therefore, was at all of the bar nights and what have you leading up to the wedding. It just happened naturally where we liked each other and found ourselves talking to each other most of the night. Nothing physical happened though and I did not cheat on my boyfriend, but mentally I was teasing with the idea.

It was time though to go home and I found myself sick to my stomach the whole flight from CA to MI because I knew that it was not fair to my boyfriend and we have had committment issues in the past. I cheated in the past, but we worked through it and have been together four years past when I initially cheated. I promised myself that I would never go down that path again and that was why I was so upset that I found myself liking this person that was not him. I went to therapy after the first time cheating and really did some soul searching and we were doing okay so I was wondering why I had these feelings. I was forced to really evaluate our relationship.

I have been home for about a week now and am still confused. I told my boyfriend about the situation and we have been having long talks every night about the future of our relationship. He is dedicated to me and only wants to be with me because he is utterly in love and hasn't been attracted to anyone else since we started dating. The problem is that I am torn. I know that we are great together. We are best friends and can talk about anything and make decisions as a team. We are so comfortable togehter and know everything about each other. Over the total of five years we have shared a lot of memories and I cannot imagine my life without him.

On the other hand, I am scared that I will hurt him again. I am scared that since I am 24 years old and have dated him since I was 19 that what I am feeling is a lack of experience and curiousity of what else is out there. My current relationship also has my attraction to my boyfriend waning and we are not very physical. We have sex about once every other week. This new guy is so exciting and new, but I see him more as a symbol of others that might be out there. So the question is do you take the gamble and lose something that most people would die for and find completely satisfying or do I take the risk and see what else is there? I realize that relationships calm over time and that is most likely what I am experiencing, but do I just repress the fact that in a four day weekend I was able to develop a crush on someone else. Sorry about my length and thank you for your advice.

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

AxMeFi can't answer this question for you. It can give you ideas where to look.

First, you are looking at the fear of hurting him from the wrong angle. You should be patting yourself on the back for a job well done! Everyone gets attracted to other people. Its totally normal and what long term relationships are filled with. The fact that you felt strongly about someone else but then were able to make the decision that you didn't want to hurt someone indicates that you have done well.

The other thing to understand is that you will eventually change sexually, both individually and as a couple. The best couples handle this by learning to be sexual in a different way and not taking the change as a reason to stop having sex. If you want more sex, ask for it! If you want it to be different, tell him about it.

Realize also that in some sense, you end up trading in the super duper sex in the beginning for more lasting, and ultimately more important things. That's the trade off you are making. Measure what you are getting on the lasting things against what the unknown provides.

I will say this--you seem to only mention negatives about your boyfriend in a single sentence. The positives are pretty good and you recognize them. I think that bodes well for your gentleman friend.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:51 PM on October 17, 2006

The answer issue can be very black and white if you want it to be.

It seems to me there are only two reasons to be in a long-term relationship. The first is of course to achieve the goal of marriage. The second is to just enjoy your time together. So... You have to ask yourself which situation you are in. Are you in this thing to marry this guy or just enjoying the closeness a monagamous relationship with him provides?

In the first case, the question becomes whether a marriage would actually work. It seems you might not feel that it would, given the fact that you two have been together five years and have not taken that step.

In the second case, the question becomes whether the relationship itself is fulfilling in its own right. You don't seem very happy with it in the original post.
posted by Willie0248 at 9:53 PM on October 17, 2006

A variation of this question has been asked nearly every single month on AskMe since its inception. The answer should really be in the FAQ.

It goes something like this:

• You are always going to be running into people that, were things different, you would naturally be able to hit it off with. That's because the foolish romantic notion of "one special someone" is a load of crap.
• Given the first point, that means you can either keep bouncing from one "perfect soul mate" to another all your life, or you can figure out point #1 early and accept the fact that there's always going to be the potential for someone else, and that what really matters are the intangible things you build up with someone over the years—in your case, five of 'em.
• Addendum #1 to the last point: if everyone behaved like this, no "couple" would ever last. Addendum #2: if all your boyfriends in your life did this to you, you'd feel pretty shitty about men in general, and the concept of love in particular.
• One helpful way of dealing with the angst is to shift the focus from a decision that has to be made, to a fact of mutual attraction that is merely accepted. You still got it, honey. Congrats. This won't matter too much when you're 24. When you're twice your current age, you'll really appreciate being reminded of it every now and again. Pat yourself on the back and move on.

posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:59 PM on October 17, 2006 [27 favorites]

Clarification to addendums: if everyone behaved like this meaning "if everyone kept bouncing around from one perfect soulmate to the next." Just in case that wasn't clear.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:02 PM on October 17, 2006

Are you unhappy with your boyfriend? Do you feel like you're settling for something or is it good enough that you think you'll be content and pleased with your decision, long-term?

There will always, alway be people that catch your eye. Turn this on its head: What if you were dating the San Diego guy and the guy you now call your boyfriend was the random gent you met at the wedding. Would you be feeling these same feelings?

You need to figure out if this is a) A crush. B) An interest in a potential soulmate. C) A warning sign that points out a deep-rooted sense of doubt/fear about your current lover.

Civil_Disobedient's advice is excellent, by the way. And yes, everyone does get crushes, but part of dealing with that sort of situation is having some better boundaries so things don't get that far in the first place. Not saying you did anything wrong, but there's certainly actions you can take to make situations like this rare occurrences.
posted by Happydaz at 10:18 PM on October 17, 2006

You are always going to be running into people who tell you that there is no such thing as "the one". While this is in fact true, that doesn't mean that all people are equally compatible, and it doesn't mean that you should stay with any given person indefinitely.

You can decide that what's important in a relationship are the intangible things that are built up over time, or you can decide that what's important is the way you feel. It's a matter of choice, and neither one is really any better than the other.

If you choose to pursue a life of serial monogamy, some will say that none of your relationships ever seem to last. Don't fall prey to the fallacy that love is supposed to last forever for everyone, or that the end of a relationship is synonymous with its failure.

You need to ask yourself if you are still in love with your boyfriend. It's a question that really only you can answer, and it's okay if the answer is no.
posted by 23skidoo at 10:37 PM on October 17, 2006

I agree that AskMe can't give you a real answer, since we don't know you or your boyfriend. I also agree with everyone else. My two cents are...

If you feel you just have to be with the other guy, then go be with the other guy. If it turns out it was the right thing to do, then that will be good. If it turns out it was a mistake, you can use the experience to learn why.

Stable relationships are good in principle. But they're bad when one of the members has doubts. I think you should deal with your doubts in whatever way you, yourself, need to. If it only means talking things over with your boyfriend, or if the crisis fades away in a few days, then great. If it means breaking up, it'll be for the best. You two aren't married and don't have children. Better to break up than to keep yourself in a situation you want to get away from. That's not fair to you or your boyfriend.

If you break up with your boyfriend, don't string him along. Make a clean break and don't look back.
posted by halonine at 10:38 PM on October 17, 2006

I think you know what you're feeling: you got together with boyfriend when you were relatively young. You can see now that it *could* work out for you two. You could get married and have it be okay, and in 20 years still be loving and comfortable and happy in the way you are now, even despite the occasional infatuation with someone else. You've met someone at a young age who is a good bet for a relationship when you're in your 30s or 40s.

And your question is, is *that* the best scenario, or should you break up with boyfriend now and boldly forge ahead into single adulthood, with the possibility of meeting other great guys who have their own sets of pros-and-cons? Play the field, go out to clubs with single friends and enjoy dating around, have sex with more people than just one? Etc.

This is a very hard question and I don't have a good answer. Don't leave a truly good man who you love because you think you might find The One Perfect Man for you -- all men, like all women, will be imperfect in some ways, and if you can't accept that you will be bouncing unsatisfied from one relationship to another forever. One of the great skills in life is to be truly happy with a good situation when you have one, to recognize and focus on the everyday good things rather than taking them for granted.

But on the other hand -- you're young! Now is a good time of life to be taking risks and exploring options. I don't know what to tell you -- good luck with the choice.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:45 PM on October 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

[Brutality] Here is my interpretation from how you described the situation your boyfriend is not someone you see as an equal. You aren't really interested in him physically from what I read. Terminate him. You will end up breaking his heart[/brutality] Life is short we have no time to waste. both him and you will get over it
posted by Rubbstone at 10:47 PM on October 17, 2006

I would try to stop telling yourself what you should feel ("something that most people would... find completely satisfying") and start focusing on what you actually feel.
posted by salvia at 10:55 PM on October 17, 2006

Don't leave a truly good man who you love because you think you might find The One Perfect Man for you

Unless you love him, but aren't IN love with him. Everyone can find a relationship where they are in love with their other, and everyone can find a relationship with an other who is in love with them. Don't stay with the dude just because he's a truly good guy and you are good friends. You've just made him into a Dawson Leary, and no one wants to be that dude. Everyone deserves to be somebody's Pacey Witter.
posted by 23skidoo at 11:00 PM on October 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

Don't leave a truly good man who you love because you think you might find The One Perfect Man for you

Unless you love him, but aren't IN love with him.

Agreed. What I meant was, don't leave him for a dumb reason... don't be led by an illusory idea that relationships should be all first-year infatuation, sparkles and amazement, all the time. They aren't, they can't be; as we get to know each other and find out each other's flaws, as we get used to each other, what love is like changes. Don't base your understanding of adult love on teenage love.

But as I said, on the other hand, you are still very young and there is a lot of life that can best be experienced as a single person. You're in a great position to take a big exciting risk here, by leaving the known safe option and diving into the great unknown.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:13 PM on October 17, 2006

I have to say that from your post, it definitely sounds like your boyfriend is in love with you. Nothing suggests that you are in love with him. It sounds like you might love him, but the way you describe your feelings for him is the way I'd describe the girl that I grew up next door to and am great friends with, not my girlfriend with whom I'm truly (madly, deeply) in love.

As has been noted above, if you are truly dedicated to your relationship, then there are certain boundaries you set for yourself when meeting other people, which are well short of "teasing with the idea" of cheating on your current boyfriend. If you are open to pushing these boundaries when you meet someone who peaks your interest, then you probably should break up with him.

I can only go based off of previous feelings I've had like this. That said, in the game of love, either you're hiring or you're not hiring. If the position were truly filled, then you wouldn't be collecting applications. When I look back on everytime I've been in a relationship and "spontaneously" met someone else who was great/amazing/reading-my-mind, it really wasn't that spontaneous at all. Sadly, I was open to the experience at best, and at worst, looking for it.

Whatever you do, please be fair to everyone involved - yourself included.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 11:26 PM on October 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

What LobsterMitten said, especially in their first post. There's no inherent value in having a long term relationship, you don't get points for racking up the years. It's just something that happens to a lot of people and makes a lot of them happy enough to work on and aim for. Stable and safe is only a good thing if you want stable and safe.

I think you're smart to realize that it isn't this new guy vs your boyfriend, that's probably the only really useful point anyone could have made to you. Beyond that, it's just about what you value, and the self you want to create, and what will make you happy. I'd probably leave the boyfriend if I were in your shoes, but I've always valued adventure over almost anything else. YMMV.
posted by crabintheocean at 11:35 PM on October 17, 2006

If your boyfriend says he isn't attracted to anyone else, and hasn't been in the 5 years you've been together, then he's a liar. Either that, or he says he's not attracted to anyone else, and what he means is that he's made a decision not to act on that attraction.

Just being human means that from time to time, you're going to be attracted to other people (in varying degrees), even if you're in a relationship. It's important to realize, when you've made a committment to someone, that being attracted to someone else doesn't really mean anything. It's just a nice reminder that yep, you're still human. Having a relationship is a choice. It's just a choice you make - it's not magic. (That comes later.) Ultimately, being faithful to someone simply means choosing, over and over, every day, to honor your committment.

You were able to understand what was happening with the other guy, and make a conscious decision not to act on it. That's really all there is to it, and that alone means you're better prepared to be in this relationship than you were four years ago.

That said, what you really should explore right now is what kind of a committment you want to have with this person, and whether or not you're in a place where you can truly make (and keep) that committment. It's your life. You get to choose how to live it.
posted by eleyna at 12:10 AM on October 18, 2006

I'm 25, female, so maybe you can relate to me on that basis. I broke up with my first and similarly devoted long-term boyfriend under similar circumstances (going away to school, being inundated with exciting new guys). I regretted it, MASSIVELY. There were random acts of sluttitude followed by getting back together for a night, and being left by him tearfully the next afternoon, there was a long long heartbroken time. There was much Ani DiFranco and driving on highways.

I learned that there was nothing they new guys could offer that was better than what we already had. And that the best thing that we had was love, tried and true love, and a head start on rich life as a couple. Nobody "gets" you like the one who already loves you. Nobody can help you be the person you want to be better than they can.

That said, I don't think I could have possibly made a different choice. But I am not known for self control. And I am in love with my forever mate now, and friends with the ex. Pain does go away, and I would say one good heartbreak is probably a good thing to have.

But fight it a while, and good on ya for being 100% open with your fella.

My last piece of advice is: Be sure to spend ample. Ample. time with yourself, alone or with other people than your bf during this time.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:45 AM on October 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

Huh. It's surprising to me that so many of the answers seem to be suggesting a course of analysis and self-assessment when to me, there seems to be a clear answer:

Yes, you should break up with him.

You're 24 and have been with this guy since you were 19. That in itself isn't a good reason but compounded with everything else you've discussed, it really does seem like you're not ready for your current relationship to become more serious.

It's sad and scary to break off something that's obviously bringing a lot of good to both of you but if you were really into your boyfriend still, I don't think you'd be asking all of us for guidance. Your boyfriend deserves someone that's totally committed to him, and that's not you. You've got some wild oats to sow and there's nothing wrong with that.

Yes, we all get crushes on people, even within stable loving relationships. But....there's nothing you say in your question that leads me to believe that your current boyfriend is really more than a awesome best friend. Sex once every two weeks? You're 24!!!!! You don't say how old he is but that just seems like a glaring red flag to me.

Be good to this guy and set him free.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 3:07 AM on October 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

Relationships take work. Attraction is spontaneous in the beginning, but takes effort as a relationship progresses.

In Ghostbusters, Bill Murray promises "all new cheap moves", because Weaver doesn't want any of his "old cheap moves".

Your boyfriend has old cheap moves. Help him recognize that he better get some new cheap moves or you should move on. The next 60 years with the same old cheap moves isn't going to cut it.
posted by ewkpates at 3:25 AM on October 18, 2006

I would like to start by commending you on your honesty with your boyfriend. Regarding your issue, as others point out, we can't comment with authority, not knowing the full nuances of the relationship and your personalities.

However, my $0.02 go a little something like this: WHATEVER you do, be fair to YOURSELF and to HIM. If you don't want to be with him, don't keep him hanging around, and don't tolerate him being around you. If you do, think a little of how it feels to be on the receiving end of such information, and how you would react if the tables were turned.
posted by gadha at 3:55 AM on October 18, 2006

The last paragraph makes me think particularly of High Fidelity, and the messages contained therein - to accept the flaws and foibles of a love, and not to dream about how perfect and wonderful and new another person might seem, as everything gets old, and you will just continue to wonder about that something new and exciting and seemingly flawless.

At the same time, I agree, you have to just go by how you feel. It's pointless to deny something that is unchangable, that is an unarguable truth. If you would prefer the excitement, and are not fulfilled by your current relationship, then it will hurt your boyfriend a lot less to continue being honest and to end the relationship now. Drawing it out is by far the worst thing for both of you.
It sounds like consulting someone else in a manner that lets you discuss the issues might be the way to sort out what you truly want, and your boyfriend may be biased, though I admire your candour.
posted by opsin at 4:39 AM on October 18, 2006

I agree with everyone who said that being attracted to other people is not necessarily evidence that your relationship is in trouble. It's natural. It sounds like you learned from your past mistakes and won't cheat again. Don't be racked with guilt about it.

That being said, I've been in the position where I loved someone but was no longer in love. I tried hard to convince myself that my lack of that "in love" feeling was just the natural progression of a long-term relationship. We were best friends, had a great time together, etc. Eventually, I developed a big crush on a co-worker, which put me in the place you are now. It caused me to take a long hard look at the relationship and confront the issues I had been avoiding.

I broke up with him. It was brutal and it sucked, because I did still love him. But it had to be done and I have never, ever regretted it. I felt massive guilt, but that's not the issue here. Only you know if you are in that situation. It sounds like you may be. If so, don't stay with him out of obligation or guilt, because that isn't fair to him.
posted by Mavri at 5:10 AM on October 18, 2006

I have to say I tend to agree with otherworldlyglow. Most of us go through this in our 20s; it's perfectly normal to have a couple of relationships that initally seem perfect but fade and wither, and it's perfectly normal for one person to be more in love and be hurt by the breakup, but if you do break up, both you and your boyfriend will get over it. And five years is not that long. I had a twelve-year marriage break up, and that was a lot more painful, but we both got over it and are happily married to other people. This stuff happens, and life goes on.

That said, I think C_D's excellent summary should be added to the FAQ.
posted by languagehat at 6:45 AM on October 18, 2006

Attractions are harmless, provided they are not acted upon. After all, you're still human, even if you're committed and monogamous. I went through a similar question recently and someone gave me some very good advice. Separate the two issues. It's not "Should I break up with my boyfriend to go for this other guy?" It's "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" followed by "Should I go for this (or another) guy?" Yes, the former technically was your question, but not really, since the issues are so interwoven. If you are otherwise happy in your relationship except for the jolt that this crush has given you, then I would stay. If this jolt has awakened you to the fact that you are actually quite unhappy, then leave. Being comfortable in a long-term relationship does not actually equal unhappiness and happiness does not equal the sparkles and butterflies of the first year. If you stay, the crush is a nice wake-up call that your relationship could benefit from some TLC. However, it sounds like you might be looking for a way out, and this new guy is a handy exit ramp.

FWIW, my boyfriend had a big crush about a year or two into our relationship, and I had one just recently. Mine totally freaked me out, but he was like, "eh, it's no big deal" when I "confessed." He told me I was totally normal, he wasn't mad and still loved me, it would be okay, etc. And you know what, it is. Once I stopped comparing (and being curious) and focused on the concept of just my relationship and my feelings about it, there was no question. Good luck, whatever you decide.
posted by ml98tu at 6:58 AM on October 18, 2006

Yeah, break up. You haven't been faithful in the past and you seem to not be sure you can avoid cheating in the future. If that's a dealbreaker with him (it may not be, who knows) then it's just not fair to him for you to lead him on down the path of monogamy.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:00 AM on October 18, 2006

Also, I would temper my response above with an addition to the helpful FAQ posted by C_D above: Because we are all strangers who don't know you personally, it's all too easy for us to tell you to break up. We have no vested interest in your life and can only respond objectively based on the facts that you have presented. But sometimes the objective advice is the wrong advice, because love is irrational and, lets face it, monogamy is a human societal quirk rather than a natural animal condition. So take my own break-up advice with that grain of salt.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:04 AM on October 18, 2006

I promised myself that I would never go down that path again and that was why I was so upset that I found myself liking this person that was not him.

You'll have a lot more luck with this issue now and in the future if you get over this backwards thinking that feeling temptation is in and of itself a crime. There's a reason the Bible has a bit in it about a man who is the literal son of god being tempted by Satan. Everyone is faced with temptation in life - it's the nature of humanity. It's the response to temptation that defines us.

You persevered and kept your promises to your boyfriend. Good job. Now you can make an intelligent decision about if that means your relationship is flawed in some way and this is an indicator or if you were just having a magpie "OOOOH SHINY NEW!" reaction.

If you really want a Caesar-like thumbs up or down, I also say dump him - you're far enough younger than me that my gut instinct is "pfah, you don't know squat!" That's a bullshit, uninformed reaction, of course, but what do you expect from a stranger on the internet who doesn't know you? But listen to me on the temptation thing.
posted by phearlez at 8:01 AM on October 18, 2006

I agree with Civil_Disobedient that this should be in the FAQ. But I disagree with what the answer should be. The fact that there is no such thing as 'the one' doesn't mean that we should all just stick it with whoever we happen to be with, even if the relationship has been going on for a long time.

And to answer this specific question: Yes, break up with him. There is really not a lot of ambiguity here. You're 24, you've been with the same guy for five years, and you only want to have sex with him once every other week. Break up with him and let yourself be single and free now, while you're still young.
posted by bingo at 9:20 AM on October 18, 2006

Break up with him. He (regardless of the "he") deserves better.
posted by Riemann at 9:24 AM on October 18, 2006

What happened in San Diego is totally normal. Don't forget that part of what makes the Best Man seem so exciting has to do with him being so far away -- you were travelling, you were at a wedding, the drinking, the heightened romantic atmosphere of it all... if you'd met the same schmoe at Joe's Diner down the street, he might not have been so ideal. Not trying to slag your crush, but the rose-colored glasses can be quick to come out when you're travelling -- it's part of the fun of it. It's not fair to you to use Dream Wedding Date as the persona of "everything else that is waiting out there for you," because it was an idealized, magnified situation.

Re your BF: this isn't all black (dump him to play the field) or white (stick it out in an increasingly-celibate companionate relationship).

You might consider alternatives to strict monogamy. Maybe you could have a conversation with your boyfriend to the effect that you are only 24 years old and have spent almost your whole adult life in an exclusive relationship, which is leading you to contemplate whether you shouldn't break up in order to explore and grow... and that you love him but have to be true to yourself too, yadda yadda, and isn't there room for a shade of gray...

You could call it "going on a break," where you both are "permitted" to see other people if the opportunity arises, for a set period of time... you could call it "opening the relationship," you could frame it however you want. (Of course, bear in mind that whatever you get to do, he gets to do too...)

It doesn't make you "swingers" or "polyamorists" or freaks or anything else, and as long as all parties are in honest agreement, then it doesn't even have to conflict with your ideas of marital fidelity -- since you aren't married.

But, it is worth pondering, because all the answers you are receiving here are presuming that there are only two options -- and yet you already know that neither one is perfectly palatable to you. At least consider some of the other solutions.

And, remember that the only two people who define your relationship with your BF are you and your BF. If you two can come to an alternative arrangement that meets more of both your needs, it's no one's business but yours.

Still, you and he might just not be people who are ready to get their heads around non-monogamy, which is normal too. So, my remark there would have to be:

Your BF waited for you the first time. He's clearly willing to work through all this again. He says he only ever wants to be with you. Sounds like a pretty safe bet that you could break up, go sow some wild oats, and if he's really all that in love with you forever and ever amen, not ever attracted to one other girl in any way for five years... well, he'll likely be sitting right where you left him if you come back.

And if he's not, then maybe you did the right thing after all, and he was just not able to acknowledge that he needed to go explore and grow too.
posted by pineapple at 10:04 AM on October 18, 2006

I second what C_D and Saucy Intruder said, but I have to add this:

You haven't cheated only once, you've done it a few times. To me, that indicates that you don't feel a strong connection to your current boyfriend. At the stage of relationship you are in right now (together c.5yrs, mid 20s, no engagement), I think you should listen to what your heart/libido is telling you: that you aren't satisfied with your current relationship. I think the reason you want to stay with him is because it's familiar and safe, but that's not fair to him; he wants more than that, and you aren't giving it to him. Instead, you're keeping the both of you from finding something better.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 11:38 AM on October 18, 2006