Kittens playing favorites

October 16, 2006 7:56 AM

Our kittens adore me but merely tolerate my wife. Why? And can we do anything about it?

We adopted our two little boys a couple of months ago. They are now six-month-old healthy, happy, rabblerousers who run us ragged. But their affection is limitless - toward me, anyway. They run to me, purr at me, climb on me, and generally make it known that they love having me for a daddy. But their attitude toward my wife is distinctly "meh." They will pay attention to her if they want something when I'm not around. When I am around, they will ignore her. They aren't mean to her, just indifferent. And it's bumming my wife out since she loves them to pieces just like I do.

We divide chores between ourselves pretty equally. She feeds them in the AM; I feed them in the PM. She has a nontraditional schedule and is home more; I have an office job. Strangely, before I started working everyday and I was home most of the time, they actually split their attention between us fairly equally.

I have been reassuring my wife that they are just being kitty-teenagers and will grow out of whatever phase they are going through. Am I right? Is there anything I can do to spread the love more evenly?

posted by Saucy Intruder to pets & animals (15 comments total)

Absence makes a cat transponder . . . or something like that. Perhaps they react excitedly to the change your return brings. Perhaps they are excited because they associate you with dinner. Try switching food shifts, or let your wife feed them on both occasions.

It could be that they just like you more, of course . . . animals can be that way, cruelly.

It may also be that your wife plays death-metal while you are away, and it turns them off.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:07 AM on October 16, 2006

Have her feed them twice a day. The quickest way to a kitty's heart is through their stomach.
posted by muddgirl at 8:09 AM on October 16, 2006

Also, she could be the catnip doser.
posted by DenOfSizer at 8:11 AM on October 16, 2006

A couple thoughts:

Cats often prefer the person who pays the least amount of attention to them, seriously. (Ever hear a cat hater complain about being a cat magnet?) In a room full of people, cats will often pick out the person who seems most disinterested in their presence.

Anyway, perhaps because your wife is home so much, your kittens have developed this behavior. I would say that all is not lost, though, because who cats love the most changes frequently. Their allegiances are always shifting.

Just one example of many in my life with cats: When my husband and I got our first kitten, he was enraptured with me. He would perch on my shoulder when I ate, like a parrot. I can remember eating breakfast with the hub and cackling about how I had a minion now. My husband was heartbroken, of course, but with time, this cat moved over to my husband's camp. While he is affectionate with both of us, he now definitely prefers my husband.

I would reassure your wife that, with time, these kittens will find her as exciting and lovable as you, maybe even more so.

If you wants to encourage that bond building, you both could try finding some treats that they absolutely love and only have her give them out. You could also pick out a toy that only she uses to play with them. No cat can resist the Purrrfect Cat Toy, in my experience (and I have fostered or adopted about 10 over the last three years) . Perhaps for an extra delectable experience, you could spray it with catnip oil. Letting her handle all feeding responsibilities, as was suggested upthread, might also help.

You may also want to see if this really is a case of familiarity breeding contempt and have your wife completely ignore the kittens for a few days and see how they respond. Honestly, this trick has worked for my husband, who is far more patient than me. When we have fostered a poorly socialized cat (I'm not saying yours are), he will usually hold back and let the cat come to him, whereas I try to get the cat's attention right away. As a result, these cats always end up liking him better.
posted by Sully6 at 8:37 AM on October 16, 2006

Eye contact. Cats feel threatened by direct eye contact but someone who wants cats to like 'em make a lot of direct eye contact. Stop trying. Cat will like more.
posted by merocet at 8:37 AM on October 16, 2006

Amen, muddgirl. Roommate's cat has adopted me as his mommy because I'm the one who feeds him everyday, slathers him with attention and plays with him. Obviously, Roommate is not pleased, but she expects the cat to love her regardless of her lack of interaction with him. This is not the way of the cat.

Maybe your wife could try playing with them while you're away, offering them treats (or a few more morels of food) when she gets home and treating them to random acts of snuggles. (i.e. pick them up and smother them with attention for a good 1-2 minutes)

But, like you said, it may just be that they're teenagers and Mom's just not cool right now.
posted by hercatalyst at 8:40 AM on October 16, 2006

I stand by my suggestion that you spray her with catnip spray.

We have the opposite problem in my house (kitty loves me, not Husband), and I can tell you that reasoning with the cat does not seem to work.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 8:45 AM on October 16, 2006

We have two cats, and each has a favourite (both us humans and them cats). The male consistently prefers to hang out with me, the female prefers to hang out with my wife. They don't ignore the person they're less affectionate towards, but they clearly have preferences.
posted by lowlife at 8:55 AM on October 16, 2006

I don't think you have much control over a cat's affections. When my husband and I moved in together about 10 years ago, we each had a cat. My male cat warmed up to my husband quite a bit, but his female cat is still indifferent to me all these years later. Our new kitten, who came after my cat died, likes us equally. However, you can easily buy a cat's affection. Just have your wife give out lots of treats, and have her keep them in a bag in her pocket. The cats will be all over her.
posted by gokart4xmas at 10:51 AM on October 16, 2006

It's an animal. You are projecting human feelings on to it.

If you want the cat's "love" (*shudder*) be the only one who feeds it.

But they don't pay attention to you because your brain is already laden with parasites. He's next.
posted by phrontist at 11:19 AM on October 16, 2006

Our purebred cats expemplify something like this. Our male Abyssinian and Persian both tend to avoid strange women, except for my wife. I think they both prefer my attention though. They magnetize to men who visit us, but hiss at the women. I always attributed it to pheromones, or the depth of voice (some deeper voiced women that visit us attract their attention).

Our mixed breed male is indifferent.
posted by tdischino at 11:55 AM on October 16, 2006

It's an animal. You are projecting human feelings on to it.

Cats have feelings. Sure, they're not "human feelings" (by definition, since cats aren't human), but if you ask me, the real act of projection is the idea that higher animals can't feel basic emotions like affection and love. You do realize that much of human emotion comes from the brain's limbic system, right? The one that's extremely similar in all mammals? The idea that animals don't feel is not borne out by scientific evidence. Check out affective neuroscience for more information.

On topic: I agree with those who suggest acting aloof. Cut out eye contact, and don't bother the cats directly. Cats like to interact on their own terms; once you get to know them, you can usually initiate contact, but it's always best to hang back and let the cat come up to you.
posted by vorfeed at 1:46 PM on October 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

If they were younger, I'd say the one who does the butt-grooming (kittens sometimes don't wash well there, and a damp washcloth now and then is needed to keep the exit clean) tends to become "mom" and gets all the love. Yours may be too old for this though.
posted by Rubber Soul at 2:16 PM on October 16, 2006

Your wife's assignment, should she choose to accept it: locate, palpate and stimulate each one's ass button.
posted by rob511 at 2:28 PM on October 16, 2006

Our cats (male & female siblings) have transferred their loyalties back and forth several times. When they were younger they were quite the "love vampires" when the mister got home from work; they just wouldn't leave him alone (I'm home all day and that used to irk the hell out of me). Now that they're older (3.5 years) they don't do that. Currently, I'm Oliver's best buddy while Abigail is fairly stand-offish. The mister has always been the Giver of Treats so that is not necessarily a criteria for cat lovin'.
posted by deborah at 2:54 PM on October 16, 2006