Finding love. Failing that, sex. Failing that, a movie buddy.

October 14, 2006 6:49 PM

Help me find love/sex/companionship. Here's a summary of my situation with more detail to follow inside: I'm middle-aged, male and heterosexual, haven't been involved in a serious relationship in five years, haven't slept with anyone in over a year, am formally disabled and mobility-impaired and use a cane, rely on social security disability income during this period while I use the related Medicare coverage to have several major joints replaced, am a native of the city I live in but have lived here this time around for only the last two years.

A big problem is that I don't have a social life, not even a work-related version, and thus don't have opportunities to meet new people (meaning: women). I'm stymied as to how someone my age and in my situation might meet people. I've never thought myself to be physically unattractive (similarly, I've never thought myself to be notably attractive, either) and I still don't—but I do feel these days that my life situation is probably a turn-off to most women.

There's some things that confuse me, even if they shouldn't. For example, an old flame from high school tracked me down shortly after I moved here and last year we got together a few times. She was very attractive when she was young and is still fairly attractive at our age. But the same problem interfered with any potential relationship between us as it had 22 years ago: she's just not my type, really. So, despite my loneliness and the fact that she (excessively) adores me, I did what I knew was right and put a stop to things. But, hell, that was the only thing I had going and there's lots of nights when I question that decision and am tempted to call her (or rather, call her back as she leaves me messages every few months or so).

Over the years I've used various personals ads services, either in local alternative newspapers or on the Internet. Last year and into this year I had a match.com ad going but didn't really have much luck with the few women that responded to my ad. Unlike most men, as I've heard, I responded to only two or three womens' ads as I found very, very few women that are my type.

I've been feeling really middle-aged lately. I also often feel sort of hopeless about finding love and happiness with someone, often imagining that I'm becoming that unmarried straight uncle. This is not at all the person I thought I'd be by this age. What to do?

posted by Ethereal Bligh to human relations (47 comments total)

What precisely is your type, then?
posted by adipocere at 7:01 PM on October 14, 2006

When you refer to "your type," do you mean physical or personal attributes? Probably a combination of both, I'm guessing, but I'm wondering if some of the qualities that you consider part of your type might help generate some ideas as to where to meet more women who might fit into that category.
posted by scody at 7:01 PM on October 14, 2006

heh. jinx.
posted by scody at 7:02 PM on October 14, 2006

Hope is a high strung horse many ride to the grave.

At 20, you've time to wait and hope, and make mistakes, and most of us at that age wouldn't think to set aside our dreams for the comfort of simple companionship. At 50, the proper role of hope is to STFU when experience says a good thing has just plopped in your lap.

If you are having joints replaced in the next year, you're in for some pain and depression, and some strange grieving for your wounded body, as surgeons invade the very gristle of you, and try to help. You'd do well to be gracious and appreciative of hands extended towards you, and hearts that care for your well being. The practice of that graciousness and humility can enable your eyes, and your heart anew. This from a man with two complete artificial hips, and a new respect, and love, for a sweet face from 35 years ago, who comes and goes again in my life.

Good luck.
posted by paulsc at 7:06 PM on October 14, 2006 [4 favorites has favorites]

Apart from the disability issue, I was pretty much in your boat two years ago.

I had been single for two years, thought myself fairly unattractive and was an unemployed bum. I was looking everywhere I could for companionship. I went out occassionally (very ocassionally), put ads online... did everything I could to find a partner. It just wasn't happening.

And then one day I decided to simply stop looking. I didn't care anymore if I ever found someone and to that end, I disengaged from going out, from meeting women online and doing anything that would find me a partner. At the same time, I started looking into meditation, and I started to like who I was. I didn't care anymore about how I looked or, importantly, what others thought of how I looked.

I was me, I was single and that was that.

And then, about a month after that, I reformatted my computer and after doing that I installed MSN. There were a few contacts on my list I didn't know and I was trying to work out who they were. One, as it turned out, was a girl I had met online through a dating website a few months earlier and who I had never really chatted to. I spoke to her and found out she was kind of cool. I kept talking to her over the next few weeks, not trying to get a date with her because, as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't looking. This was nothing more to me than a new friendship.

But I couldn't help but become attracted to her and, after a short while, I fell for her and asked her on a date and she said yes. Two years later we're living together and we're both very happy. I know she's the one and life couldn't be better.

My answer to your question, then, isn't to reinstall Windows and MSN and hope for the best. It is to first stop looking, become comfortable with yourself and who you are and then she will come to you. She may not be your type; that's fine. You're looking for a movie buddy too, which is no bad thing. But on the other hand she may be your type and you will amost certainly be hers, and that, my friend, is no bad thing.

One last thing; don't look at your disability as something that should be a factor to holding you back in the romance game. As someone who works pretty much day in day out with the disabled, I've seen enough people who are in happy, committed relationships to know that mobility issues and even more serious disablities such as autism etc are no barrier to love. It may sound sappy, but in my experience, love truly conquers all.

So to repeat, stop looking. Become comfortable with yourself. And then, my friend, good things will come to you.

Good luck!
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:28 PM on October 14, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Scody, I mean personality. I can't relate at all to a woman who isn't intelligent and this woman from my past, although as sweet as can be, is actually below average. I found that we just had nothing to talk about.

I do have a definite physical type I'm attracted to, but I've completely ignored that as I've looked for potential partners because personality is more important to me. The majority of women my age (42) on match.com and who live in my area have ads that include asking for men who will go two-stepping with them and who will "treat them like a lady". That's just about the opposite of what I am looking for.

I get what you're saying, paulsc, but I didn't push this old flame away for me, but rather for her. I don't think I could fall in love with her and she had already fallen in love with me. It just seemed cruel to let her think that something could happen between us that I realized could not. I felt that if I disregarded that, then I would have only been acting selfishly in satisfying my need for sex and some companionship. That wouldn't have been right.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:32 PM on October 14, 2006

It's hard to find somebody that "adores" you, and "she's not my type" is a common excuse that is rarely well-thought. That's why adipocere and scody asked what you meant; you seem to dismiss that possibility so easily. Knowing you the little I do, however, I doubt that you haven't thought that through carefully.

I feel for you. I mean, I've always found your city there to be a bit desolate, socially. It's really hard to find someone you can connect with; social events and gathering places are somewhat rare. And that's not the only thing that makes it hard; maybe it's because I'm a bit stodgy, and knowing my rants, you'll know I feel this way, but I have the impression that the anonymity of the modern world increases this divide between people in certain salient ways. However, since this division between people is something we all have to take part in, it's something we all understand, to a degree. Which means: there are people everywhere that feel the same. The real key, I think, is keeping your eyes as open as possible; your neighbors, the people you see at the doctor's office, and anyone you meet on a regular basis are your companions, to a degree. That doesn't help much, I know, but I've often found that I ignore the people most immediate to me and end up lonely as a result.

It's not as hard as you might imagine, either, to widen your circle of friends. Hobbies are pretty great for this: bowling leagues, pool teams, book clubs, and charity drives are good places to meet people. Volunteering at the library or somewhere else can get you out and meeting people. Failing that, you advertise in craig'slist or some such for, as you put it, a movie buddy, or a couple movie buddies.

I know all of this sounds mundane, and is both some work and also kind of lame. I'm sort of pissed off that there's no other way nowadays. But remember, as I said, that it's not as different as you might think for everyone else: we're all living in the same world here.

That's probably not much, but it's all I can offer, I guess. Good luck, friend.
posted by koeselitz at 7:37 PM on October 14, 2006

On [non] preview: See, you have thought it through carefully.
posted by koeselitz at 7:41 PM on October 14, 2006

Realistically, you're going to use onlien resources to meet members of the opposite sex. And I'll also suggest some of the speed dating (if your town/city supports it.) Go to your local church/synagogue/volunteer opportunity.

The key is to at least try to be out there.
posted by filmgeek at 7:46 PM on October 14, 2006

I've found that dating profiles don't always exactly match what people are like in person. I'd suggest lowering your filters a bit and going on some first meetings with people you might initially discount.

Who knows if any of those meetings will get you anywhere, but at least you'll be getting out and meeting new people which may be enough in the short-term.

Have you tried reading groups? I've been looking for a good reading group for something just shy of forever, and I haven't found it yet, but they will tend to attract people who at least have a passing interest in reading. With luck, that may turn of somebody with the intelligence you're looking for.
posted by willnot at 7:55 PM on October 14, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Consider this a wag, but I think if I was in this situation I would give serious, serious thought to moving to a college town, especially one with a liberal arts school with lots of alumni in the area. I think that will present a much greater spectrum of middle-aged women with all kinds of marital, social, and work backgrounds. Conversely if you're in a small city with mostly light industry, car lots, churches, and mostly vocational-oriented colleges (if anything) then yep, women will generally be either married or single, conservative, and like two-stepping and you'll be playing long odds to find the exceptions.

I know my idea is a bit extreme, but location is the elephant in the room. If this was really important to me, I'd move and maximize the odds.
posted by rolypolyman at 7:59 PM on October 14, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

I don't know if this is helpful, but:

I suspect that for a noted, chatty mefite whose personality and character seem firmly established to state publicly that he's desirous of female companionship might be itself a firm step on the way towards having said companionship.

Environments like this, where people just talk about stuff instead of trying to date each other, are fantabulous ways to meet smart women. I met my beloved on a listserv, and at least one other couple who met on the same list has also gotten hitched.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:00 PM on October 14, 2006

Filmgeek, I met my wife (who is, the last time I checked, a member of the opposite sex) online (we've been married for five years), so it does happen, and it can work.

Ethereal Bligh, I'd really stop thinking in terms of "my type". Think in terms of people, and the ones you find attractive, interesting, funny and cute. Relax: it's not a race where the first person to meet someone wins. It's perhaps a zen thing, but stop looking and you may find what you seek.

I'd second the suggestion of volunteering or taking a class or something if you are able to do so: It'll make you more grounded and get you meeting people. Even if you can't get out for medical reasons, join some mailing lists for subjects that interest you and join in the conversation.
posted by baggers at 8:02 PM on October 14, 2006

Have you looked through your local craigslist? I don't know if that's something you'd consider doing, but maybe? Also, think about joining some clubs and getting involved in some things that interest you, so if you meet someone interesting there, you already share something in common. What about forming a local flickr group to get together in different locations for shoots? I see you haven't joined any Albuquerque groups there - you should.
posted by iconomy at 8:08 PM on October 14, 2006

off the top of my head, in terms of meeting women you might have lots to talk about:

Your alumni organization -- surely there are some smart women who went to St. John's still single?

Public lectures, film festivals, author readings, etc. in ABQ/Santa Fe. Check all the college/university listings.

Join (or start!) a book, film, or photo club.

Speaking of Santa Fe, how about volunteering in some capacity for the opera or one of the art museums? (Mobility-wise, I don't know how much trouble it is for you to go up to Santa Fe on a regular basis, though.)

Keep your personal ad up -- and use different sites simultaneously (match, yahoo, local alternative press, okcupid, etc..). You never know who you're going to find (or who will find you), even after many months or longer without a hit. (My boyfriend, who I met via Salon/Nerve personals, said his profile hadn't gotten a response in ages until I emailed him -- he'd almost deleted it right before I contacted him, in fact. And I'd almost given up on the whole online dating thing anyway when I emailed him -- I decided to give it [insert heavy sigh here] one last try. Turned out to be the best email I ever sent.)

And I also agree with the suggestion of casting your net a little wider in terms of women you respond to online, as well. Someone might in fact be quite intelligent and interesting, and just not craft the best personal ad to reflect that. You just never know. I'm wishing you the best.
posted by scody at 8:13 PM on October 14, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

I met a woman for coffee last April from a match.com ad and it went badly. I was so depressed about it that I immediately took down my ad. I haven't been looking since then and have mostly put it out of my mind. But I've found that I can go about a year without sex and it doesn't bother me but after that it starts to bother me a lot. However, it's not just sex that I want, it's also that this is the longest I've gone without a serious relationship and I really, really miss the companionship, too. And, dammit, I feel like I'm running out of time. Which may not be true, but it feels that way.

None of the people I went to St. John's with, as far as I know, live in the area. This is in contrast to Austin, which has a large alumni community which included a number of friends. When I moved here I notified the alumni office and they told me that there's about 500 alumni living here, which seems like a lot¹ considering the total enrollment at both campuses has always been about only 1,000 people. And there are monthly alumni seminars held by the local alumni chapter. I always sort of intend to go but when the day comes I've not done the reading. It is the case that SJC women are, by far, the most attractive (to me) women I've ever known. (I was always a little peeved that I went there when I was married.) I'd love to meet and get involved with a johnnie woman—we are notorious for getting married to each other anyway. So I guess I just have to get on the ball on that matter, at the very least.

But, I guess the thing is—and this is obvious—I'm just awfully lonely these days. It makes me sad. I'd really like that to change.

Thanks so much for the advice so far, especially from you scody whom I consider one of my online friends.

1. That's combined ABQ and SF. Although one of the two campuses (and the one I attended) is in Santa Fe, the number of locals that attend SJC is very, very low. In my class of 112 students, I was one of only two New Mexicans. I know some people fall in love with Santa Fe and New Mexico and stay here, not to mention those who have difficulty leaving the bosom of the college. Still, it does seem much different to me than Austin because there were about a dozen people there that I actually went to school with and of those a few were friends.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:28 PM on October 14, 2006

EB, ol buddy, you've said no to someone who loves you, in your opinion. Maybe that's the right thing to do; on the other hand, you've said no to someone who loves you.

She's "not your type," you say; have you really given it a chance, and attempted any kind of commitment experience, even something as clearly transient and adolescent as going steady? You sound desparate; you're rejecting someone who actively wants to be there for you. Pull up your pants and think hard about how well you might be able to discharge your responsibilities to this person in a partnership should you accept the invitation.
posted by mwhybark at 8:39 PM on October 14, 2006

Would you ever consider getting involved with some kind of religious organization in town? Some of them offer a pleathura of social opportunites, ranging from volunteer efforts to single's nights. Even if you don't meet someone there who catches your fancy, it's an easy way to open up your social network to meet people who might be able to help you. If organized religion isn't your thing, I've found most churches are not evangical at actual volunteer efforts. IE, I've never had people preaching at Habitat for Humanity, the soup kitchen, etc. Or just go down to the soup kitchen of red cross on your own and volunteer there.

I've also become a fan of CL. Found some really cool people on there. I was getting too many "One night stand" replies when I posted, so I just keep an eye out on the w4m section. Every couple of days, I notice a post whose really catches my attention and I'm pretty picky as far as these things go. I have yet to meet an actualy flame that way, but defintely interacted with some cool people I would have otherwise never known. Some people I've only interacted with online, but it's still been a nice outlet in a city I don't have much of a social life. If you want to stay anonymous, go the route of posting an ad- it's nice because the other person won't know who you are unless you reply to an e-mail.
posted by jmd82 at 8:56 PM on October 14, 2006

One thing you may not have considered is that many kinds of groups tend to meet at people's houses. Whether it be activism, religion, or simply a book/poker/quilting group, often groups are helped by a member who says "we can meet at my place." This would mitigate the mobility issues, and lower the barrier to actually getting together with others. Let them (or rather, encourage them) to come to you. So when you look for things to join, give priority to things that happen in people's homes.

Another aspect to groups formed for purposes of activism or spirituality is that you are likely to meet people with similar values and outlook.

Is there any skill you could reasonably teach or tutor from your home? Music theory? Latin? You probably won't meet a romantic partner that way, but it will keep up your people skills and provide that social contact we all need. And your students will have friends.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:59 PM on October 14, 2006

You should get out of Albuquerque. I once spent a year, when I was 24 or so, living in San Diego. That was the socially deadest year of my life. Everyone there likes to get up early and run or bike or surf. Thats great but cultural and intellectual life is almost nonexistent. I started to wonder if I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life.

Fast forward a few years later and I was living in Manhattan. More beautiful intelligent women than I was capable of dealing with. My biggest problems were the ethical quandaries regarding seeing multiple women at the same time. I finally picked one - a gorgeous ex-model, MIT math major - and lived with her for four years.

Location is everything.
posted by vacapinta at 9:03 PM on October 14, 2006

hire a prostitute.

(hey, I'm european.)
posted by krautland at 9:48 PM on October 14, 2006

Actually, the reason I ask about type is not because you might not have thought about it, it's because people tend to price themselves out of the market. I worked in a dating service for a while, and, well, a lot of people had things they thought were requirements that were more or less pipe dreams. "Why, yes, I'm sure there are scads of 40 year old, never married men who are six four who make over $100,000 and are Jewish, just waiting to meet you." My advice to people is that they take their list of things they think are requirements, mark off two thirds of it completely at random, and they'll be lucky to get that. However, you don't seem to be have irrational expectations, so that's out.

Since intelligence seems to be the primary factor for you, figure out what the smart people are up to. The aforementioned university route is a good place to start, maybe some book clubs or special interest groups.

However, unless you're approaching it with an air of desperation, I do not agree with the "don't look, it'll just happen." I stopped looking ... nine years later, I'm still not looking, and nothing has happened. No, I'm not kidding about the length of time. By all means, look. Maximize your chances by meeting as many new groups of people as possible.
posted by adipocere at 10:03 PM on October 14, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

My token moralizing is that there is love, and there is love, and there is love, etc., and that at your age and it speaks either very highly or very lowly of your maturity.

If in fact you are making the right decision you are unlikely to be convinced otherwise by people on the internet, but I must state that if at this point you are not becoming the person you thought you'd be, perhaps you should start making different decisions (ie, acting like someone else)? And do you really think you are the less cruel for letting her keep her hope alive, giving her neither a firm rejection nor a good-faith effort?

Sometimes wisdom is more about finding happiness in what you have than in getting what you think you want. If you want to meet people there is already much good advice upthread.
posted by little miss manners at 10:24 PM on October 14, 2006

Keep in mind that with this old flame it didn't work out 22 years ago for the same reasons I don't think it would work out today. And the type of compatibility involved matters more to me today than it did then. She's a sweet person, and she's my physical type, but I can't be happy in a relationship unless my partner is also my friend and peer. I was very clear with her when I told her that I wasn't interested in a relationship because I felt certain it wouldn't work out. It wasn't easy for me to do this because there is a small part of me that does want to use her. But I won't do that.

I don't know why I'm the way that I am, but I'm the kind of person who needs to be best friends with my romantic partners. I need us to have things in common, for us to be peers. I see other people for whom sexual attraction or a powerful love makes things work when otherwise there is very little compatibility, but that's just not how I'm built.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 10:41 PM on October 14, 2006

This is not at all the person I thought I'd be by this age.

I've been brooding on this off and on for the last several years, after a combination of marital and professional disaster knocked my vision of my mature self for six. Of all your worries, I hope you give this the least care. I have come to the conclusion that my old vision of who I thought I was, and how my life should be, did not include, and could not include those events that have led to its eventual shape. I'm only 36 and trying not to think of myself as middle-aged, but these are the years when our optimism has waned, our dreams have been confounded by unexpected fact, and we have to face things with realism.

Other people achieve their onetime vision and find it wasn't all they thought it would be. If there is success and peace of mind, surely it lies in accepting the reality of our current state, whether it corresponds to our old desires or not.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:13 PM on October 14, 2006 [4 favorites has favorites]

Like ROU_Xenophobe, I suggest you make use of this virtual community. Host a get-together for New Mexico's MeFites. You're bound to meet interesting people face to face. Friends are good, too.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:44 AM on October 15, 2006

Ethereal Bligh, I'd really stop thinking in terms of "my type".

This and comments like it suggest that some responders have not paid attention to what EB means by that phrase. He's not looking for a "hawt 18-to-23 blonde at least 5'3 but not over 5'6 and with a centerfold figure"; he's looking for a smart woman he can be friends with. That's non-negotiable, and I know exactly what he means because I'm the same way. I've been with a wide variety of women, and the only thing they all had in common was intelligence; if I can't talk about a wide variety of topics and enjoy humor above the level of sitcom gags, it's not going to work, and EB is clearly the same way. But there are lots of smart women out there, so that's not an insuperable obstacle.

I hate to say it, but I agree with those who say you should leave town. It sounds like the kind of woman you want, if she had the misfortune to find herself there, hopped a bus east some time back. And keep looking online; that's how I found my wife, who's smart and funny and wonderful. (I might add that I was attracting the wrong sort of women until I got drunk, realized my ad was just like every other ad, deleted it, and wrote a sarcastic rant emphasizing my worst features and including a challenge to identify a poetic quote that I figured was so terminally nerdy it would drive away all but the hard-core. That did the trick; I think every woman who answered it was extremely interesting, and I enjoyed my interactions with all of them. I don't know if getting drunk is necessary for ad composition, but definitely avoid the "I like to read and go for walks on the beach" style.)

And good luck—you deserve a boon companion, amigo.
posted by languagehat at 6:40 AM on October 15, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

"I can't relate at all to a woman who isn't intelligent"

I've heard stories about women who put themselves through grad school working as strippers and escorts; we have one here in Louisville with her very own weekly column. How do you feel about nudity and free enterprise?
posted by davy at 8:52 AM on October 15, 2006

I really do not have many new ideas to add.

However, since your criteria is intelligence, what about (this is seconding ideas listed above) starting your own book club? Select a topic that you have a passion for (or want to learn about) and a topic that requires a bit of intelligence as a prerequisite to pick up the book. Advertise on craigslist, bookstore, and library.

Another idea, does UNM offer continuing education courses? Can you similarly take a class on a topic that you enjoy that may also require a bit of intelligence as a prerequisite? I would assume most individuals taking such a course would be older.

Finally, your statement "It wasn't easy for me to do this because there is a small part of me that does want to use her. But I won't do that., seems to reflect thoughtfulness. I do think with that trait in addition to intelligence as long as you make the effort to meet people (trying any of the suggestions in all the posts above), once people get to know you, things will work out. If you end up making movie friends, be attentive and get to know their friends, too - eventually you will find a person for you.

Best of luck.
posted by Wolfster at 9:19 AM on October 15, 2006

I met a woman for coffee last April from a match.com ad and it went badly. I was so depressed about it that I immediately took down my ad.

*smiles ruefully* I'm chiming back in to sympatize -- I called it The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of online dating. My first date off Salon.com was such a suprising disappointment (we'd seemed to hit it off quite well in email!) that I felt sick to my stomach for days afterward and very nearly pulled my profile as well. But bad (or just blah) dates are par for the course -- just think of it as accruing stories that you'll laugh about one day (really!). My best "bad date from the personals" tale is the excruciating evening with a guy who was such an arrogant, mouth-running boor that he was unable to shut up even when it came to topics where I obviously knew more than he did (example: he absurdly insisted on explaining to me in minute, "I-know-you're-a-moron-but-let-me-make-it-simple" detail about one of the cases in Illinois where an innocent man was freed from death row, even though -- as I pointed out to him several times -- I was one of the main volunteers on that case for several years). There was also the guy who told me flatly about halfway into the date, "this will never work. You gave me the impression you looked more like Courtney Cox." (!!!) And then there was... well, you get the idea.

My junior high music teacher used to say "practice is merely getting the bad notes out of the way in order to get to the good." Online dating's not much different, I guess.

Good luck, my friend. I just know there are more smart, funny women out there! (And hey, if you want to run your ad by me, I'd be happy to take a look at it and give you any suggestions -- as the 'hat says, his first ad was written in such a way that he wasn't attracting the sort of women he really wanted to meet, so maybe yours just needs a tweak, too. Drop me a line if you'd like!)
posted by scody at 10:00 AM on October 15, 2006

I met a woman for coffee last April from a match.com ad and it went badly. I was so depressed about it that I immediately took down my ad.

EB, I mean this as a (cyber-)friend, but this right here is your problem. Don't be such a baby. ;-) Gotta have a lot of bad dates to find a good one.
posted by callmejay at 10:41 AM on October 15, 2006

(Also, after a few bad ones you get better at weeding them out via chatting/email.)
posted by callmejay at 10:44 AM on October 15, 2006

Just chiming in to say I usually really dig your answers in the 'human relations' questions. You may have hit a rough patch, but if you're half as cool as you come across here, you'll find somebody, no sweat.

And I also want to suggest a relocation. I don't know your area at all, but geography can have a lot to do with finding a suitable SO, I think. I'm in grad school in a crappy town; aside from school, there are very few people my age here. And the grad student dating pool is pretty sad. So I'm just doing my best to reconcile myself to 18 more months (and god I hope that's all) of the monk lifestyle, and then I am peacing outta here for somewhere with hot twenty-somethings.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 11:22 AM on October 15, 2006

Seems to me you should take a class. You're a smart, articulate guy, and girls who like guys like that...well, they sometimes take classes.

I sympathize with the online dating frustrationg. I've been on nerve for a few weeks and it's getting less fun with each 'date.'
posted by bingo at 3:48 PM on October 15, 2006

Here in NYC, I have met a great many intelligent women in the photography community. It might be the same in your region; in which case: Santa Fe Photography Workshops.
posted by xo at 4:30 PM on October 15, 2006

It sounds like the kind of woman you want, if she had the misfortune to find herself there, hopped a bus east some time back.

Hey, hey, hey, she might have moved west!

That said, I feel like people from back East complain all the time about how insular and disengaged West Coast people are, so maybe going west has its own problems.
posted by caitlinb at 5:11 PM on October 15, 2006

I've come to believe that those who are single and unhappy about it should focus on building a social network and on improving their quality of life rather than on finding a partner. For one thing, the former are achievable goals, while not everyone will find a lasting partnership despite what the happily partnered Pollyannas will tell you.

So avoid those dreary social events for singles and just do what interests and satisfies you. There's a lot of good advice in this thread about taking courses, volunteering, finding or starting a book club. If you get involved in such things, you'll go out more and have a good time, and you'll meet people who enjoy the same things as you. You'll enlarge your circle of friends. One of them might have a sister or a neighbour who turns out to be the love of your life. Or maybe not. But you'll still have the friends and a good time and be a happier person because of your efforts.
posted by orange swan at 7:41 PM on October 15, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Actually, my bad: Carrie Wright does not have a weekly column, she has an occasional column in a weekly. And she looks so cute walking her dog in stiletto sandals.
posted by davy at 9:48 PM on October 15, 2006

Thanks, everyone, for the kind and insightful advice.

Moving isn't an option for me for the forseeable future because a) I need a support structure of family during the period I have my joint replacements, and b) my income wouldn't support me in any of the places it would make sense for me to move to.

What I gather from this advice is that I ought to place some online personals ads again and, more importantly, be active in at least a couple of different social things that involve the kind of women I'd like to meet. So, I'll try to do these things.

I'm not feeling really optimistic at the moment, but, hey, anything is possible.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 10:33 PM on October 15, 2006

I could provide you with anecdotal evidence of people with CP in wheelchairs needing assistance to comb their hair finding intellectual love and marriage on the internet. It happens, in far more remote places than where you live.

But that's not my suggestion. It sounds like you have good reason to be wistful and lonely right now. When your health is at stake or you are physically in discomfort and immobilized, you realize how tenuous life is and how vulnerable you are. It's natural to feel lonely, isolated, scared. But you have good people around you and it will pass.

I don't think your problem is being single. You're just feeling it more acutely. You're not doing all the wrong things and it's not that you should try harder or in a different way. You sound like you're in a bad spot. If you want to go with the numbers game of online dating then just don't give up. If you want to find the local soulmate with common interests, then join or begin your own group in-town. If you want to improve your chances all around, move to a place with more people you're interested in. All of these things require work and patience and are not good for the short-term situation you're in right now.

My advice is to make the most of your situation now. This is a difficult period for you, but it doesn't have to be unbearable. Find ways to keep yourself most physically comfortable and engaged mentally. Do nice things for the people supporting you and express love to them. You have intellectual stimulation on Metafilter. If you need physical touch, get a massage or something more. It's natural to want physical contact, even just a backrub, and it might make you feel better. There's always the old Askme saw of therapy and meds.

Develop a long-term plan for getting your life together after this period of joint replacement. Job, location, social group and activities, etc. Start establishing progress towards it through job inquiries, letters to old friends in the area, etc. Having a partner will not fix your problems and the things lacking in your life right this second. But if you plan for putting yourself in a situation in which you will have your life together, finding a longterm partner will be more likely and achievable. You realize that your foregone conclusion of others witnessing your shameful descent into single uncle spinsterhood is jumping to the worst case scenario and patently ridiculous, not to mention the completely wrong mindset. What's wrong with being the single uncle anyway?

I do not have experience with your specific problem, but have appreciated your contributions and insight to my (anon) h+r questions and wanted to lend a vote of confidence. I wish you all the best and hope this is taken in the spirit of support it is intended. All the best.
posted by Marnie at 6:46 AM on October 16, 2006

I'm not feeling really optimistic at the moment, but, hey, anything is possible.

You could be depressed, too.
posted by callmejay at 10:50 AM on October 16, 2006

Oh, I have a lifelong problem with depression. I've mostly learned to cope with it, both with hard-won life strategies and with meds. But as you might guess, my current life situation presents some challenges. My physical limitations bother me more and more. And I really miss being able to talk about it in the unguarded way that one is able to talk about such things with one's partner.

When I write that I didn't expect to be this person I am, I didn't express myself very well. As it happens, I am rather happy with the person I've turned out to be. I'm not happy with where I am in my life now. If there's a cause-and-effect relationship between the two, then I suppose that's a cognitive dissonance I need to deal with. Mostly what I meant, anyway, was that I always have wanted a family.

Frankly, and I suppose this is unattractive, I need someone to help me through this period. That's not the primary reason I want a companion, of course—I'd like a companion, a partner, in a healthy relationship for the basic reasons other people like myself who prefer being in a relationship do. (And, by the way, I think that's just as valid a lifestyle choice as being single and it's not necessarily the case that issues about self-actualization or whatever are relevant.) But between the practical and emotional difficulties of my present situation, I could really use some help. But that, of course, would (or does) scare a lot of people away.

At any rate, I miss sex as a function of intimacy and the point is that I just really damn miss intimacy. You know, just cuddling up on the couch and watching a movie and talking about it afterwards. To me, that kind of thing is in some essential way life-giving and I've been too long without it.

Ah, I'm just babbling. I wish the best for you kind-hearted people who've tried to answer my question.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:05 PM on October 16, 2006

I suspect that for a noted, chatty mefite whose personality and character seem firmly established to state publicly that he's desirous of female companionship might be itself a firm step on the way towards having said companionship.

For what it's worth, EB (and I have only just skimmed this thread, as I'm at work), I'd date you in a New York minute, absent that pesky on the other side of the country thing. You'll find someone; don't give up yet.
posted by jokeefe at 12:38 PM on October 16, 2006

Aw, that's sweet of you, jokeefe. I find you very interesting and attractive, too. We should at least correspond more than we have. Was I deficient in returning an email? That's quite likely: I have a bad habit of getting an interesting email, deciding that I want to answer later when I can write a more thoughtful response, and then never getting around to it. I think I answered a month's or more email Friday night in one big burst of energy and social enthusiasm.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:43 PM on October 16, 2006

Was I deficient in returning an email?

Actually, I'm not sure if "deficient" is exactly it, but it was your turn, as it were. I'm happy to correspond more.
posted by jokeefe at 9:30 PM on October 16, 2006

Whoo-hoo! A hookup happens before our very eyes;-)
posted by orange swan at 7:01 AM on October 17, 2006

*smiles indulgently at those two cute kids*
posted by scody at 11:44 AM on October 17, 2006