Childhood rape?

October 9, 2006 10:25 AM

My on-again-off-again girlfriend of ~oneyear confided in me recently that she was raped when she was eleven by a boy approximately 4-5 years her senior. My question has two parts, one concerning my responsibility toward her and the situation I have just learned about, and one concerning my newfound apprehension with regard to her sexual preferences. [much]

The first part of my question: what do I need to do for her as a longtime friend, sometimes lover and always fellow human being? She told me she never told anyone when it happened--we are both in our early twenties so it was ~10 years ago--and she has never told anyone since, nor has she ever sought help from family, loved ones, professionals or the authorities. My initial reaction was shock and extreme anger (including musings about forcible castration) followed quickly by sadness and extreme sympathy. I strongly encouraged her to seek professional help in the form of a therapist and while she recoiled at the thought of having to rehash such an awful memory she did seem open to the idea. I have no idea what recourse she may have as far as punitive action; I suspect none because nothing was done at the time and it is a decade later.

My second, and perhaps more delicate question (if that's possible) surrounds her sexual leanings. As long as I have been in an intimate relationship with her I have known that what gets her going sexually is a bit of submission. I am not particularly excited by playing a dominant role, but I have played along willingly and with great success as far as getting her going, so to speak. (Just for clarification, we're not talking about whips and ballgags here, just a bit of dirty talk, roughness and treating her with a bit of feigned contempt and/or objectification. Let me also be careful in noting that in no way does she enjoy--nor would I ever partake in--treating her roughly or demeaningly outside of a sexual setting.) However, given these recent developments I feel quite uncomfortable feeding this desire. I feel as though by partaking in her fantasies with regard to submissive sex, I am somehow promoting or at least condoning a connection between her sexual abuse and my sexual relationship with her. She claims that she does not feel a connection between her rape as a child and her "rape" fantasies (read: not really rape, but more submissive, sometimes rough sex) but when I insisted that I see a connection she conceded that she "maybe" could too.

I feel as though if I didn't refuse to take any further part in these acts I would be acting as an insensitive human being. However, she insists that the fact that I now know she had some sexual abuse in her childhood doesn't change what she likes in the bedroom. I am stuck!

If any respondents would be willing to relay replies to this post, please feel free to note that in your response. Or email me. [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

I'd ask her if she's considered some counselling in order to work through the issues regarding her abuse. Perhaps she could come to have a better understanding of it and how it's impacted her sexual life, which might make the both of you more comfortable in the long run.

In the mean time, I don't think you should feel wrong about having the kind of sex she wants to have, assuming you enjoy it, too. You don't have to always draw a connection to her past abuse. Lots of people have similar kinks, not to mention a million other kinds. As long as no one is it's all consensual, nobody's getting hurt. You just play the hand you're dealt and try to enjoy it.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:30 AM on October 9, 2006

no one is
posted by ludwig_van at 10:31 AM on October 9, 2006

It certainly seems as if you're blowing the rape out of the proportion that she sees it in. Although it's commonly portrayed as such, rape doesn't have to be the ultimate mind-melting crime -- I have talked with numerous victims, and while some have been deeply scarred and affected by it, others shrug it off.

To draw a parallel, the spectrum here is similar to abortion, in my experience. At least in that, yes, some women need help to get over it while others are absolutely fine on their own.

To answer your question properly would take much more information I feel. Mostly your post is about your reactions to the rape, and hers after pressure from you to agree with yours. What does she feel? Does she feel she needs help? Has she been acting in a way that would illustrate a need for help?

As for the domination -- sometimes sexual preferences are jsut sexual preferences.
posted by bonaldi at 10:38 AM on October 9, 2006

A lot of women like (to varying levels and frequencies) objectification during sex, so I wouldn't worry about it. I won't deny it might have something to do with what happened to her, but it also might not as much as you fear. You might encourage her to turn the tables on you so you can both see how it feels from the other side, that could be educational for both of you.

As for what to do, just be there if she wants to talk about it. If she decides she wants to go to therapy or whatever, then support her. Some people can process trauma themselves fairly well; others can't.
posted by kindall at 10:40 AM on October 9, 2006

Nothing you do will change who she is and what she likes (or doesn't). If she is "broken" in some way or changed by what happened, well, it's only one thing in her life that has made her into who she is. The woman you seem to care for a great deal.

As difficult as it may seem, you have to separate what happened to her from what you two do in bed. Every one has triggers, things that turn them on, and they aren't always related to their past. Even if they are, not much you can do about it. If you are unable to separate it, then maybe you need to consider how *you* are dealing with this new information and whether you need more time to just work it out in your head before continuing in this relationship.

Best to just let that cigar be a cigar.
posted by routergirl at 11:01 AM on October 9, 2006

Her sexual preferences may just be her sexual preferences, end stop. There's lots of people who enjoy being submissive in bed who were never raped.

Consider this, if her preference to submission is related to the rape: by acting out fantasies that are similar to the way she was victimized, but completely within her control (because she requested it, and because you will stop whenever she asks you to), she is gaining control over her past, so to speak. IANAD/P, but it seems to me that this may be an entirely healthy way to deal with the memory of rape.
posted by joannemerriam at 11:28 AM on October 9, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

Sometimes, when someone close to you tells you about something bad that happened to them in the past, they're not asking you for help, but rather for validation and/or 'forgiveness.' Of course she didn't want to be raped, but she was, and that fact is now a part of who she is. And if your girlfriend gets off on something eerily similar to something that traumatized her, she wouldn't be the first. Human sexuality is complex and mysterious, and cannot always be wrapped up in a neat little package.

Here's the best course of action, if not the easiest. Let go of your angst about the intricacies of the relationship between morality and sex. You're young, and you have a sexually self-aware girlfriend who trusts you. Fuck her the way she wants to be fucked, not just in deed, but in mind. Let your head fill with your own darkest fantasies, your frustration about her attitude, and anything else that's bothering you about her. Let her see it on your face. And then when it's over, hold her and smile at her and kiss her, and don't say anything.

Sex is not just an often-thwarted way of making babies. Like art, it can faciliate an understanding between human beings that transcends even the most intimate conversations. Use it.
posted by bingo at 11:41 AM on October 9, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

First:

I would seriously back off any suggestion that her submissive sexual role is necessarily connected to her rape as a child. First, because they may not necessarily be connected. Second because even if they are her predeliction isn't, in itself, harmful. To use a (very generalized) analogy, an affinity for music isn't necessarily bad just because you started taking piano lessons after being cut from the baseball team.

Second:

The most significant part of this story is the fact that you, rather than a parent or sibling, are the first individual she trusted with this secret... a full decade after this traumatic event (I'm assuming that 'rape' was her description) occurred.

Depending on familial circumstances and the identity of her rapist, that fact in itself may be evidence enough that some guided therapy may be warranted.

Be sure to broach the subject gently if at all, however, and understand how very difficult it may have been to confide even in you.
posted by The Confessor at 11:46 AM on October 9, 2006

Regardless of whether the two things are related or not--and I agree I wouldn't necessarily assume a connection, though of course it's possible--if you feel uncomfortable, don't do it. It's a pretty good failsafe rule when it comes to sex.
posted by lampoil at 11:47 AM on October 9, 2006

Foreword: Correlation does not imply causation.

Regarding your first question, it's not clear to me if she confided in you as a cry for help. I have been in this situation before, and after a little soothing, I asked her about why she had told me (and no one else). Her answer was much less complicated than I had expected. I was told that she simply wanted me to know because she felt it was important to our "relationship". At the time, we were slowly growing from "long-time friends" and recent "best friends with benefits" to "boyfriend/girlfriend". When I prodded more about if she genuinely wanted to talk about it, she said that she had more or less minimized it's impact on her life, but felt it was important to share with someone she trusted with her feelings and body. Throughout our 2+ year relationship, she never sought counseling nor brought it up again in any way that implied she needed further counsel.

Your second question focuses more on what you might see as a cause-and-effect relationship between her being raped and her sexual leanings, as you called them. As I implied earlier, this is probably not the case. Aside from what may actually be the case (likely not to be found in this thread), I can tell you that she was probably not happy to learn that the rape itself has impacted the comfort level of a partner she is perfectly comfortable with. About her concession that you mentioned at the end of the OP - was it more of a "I can see how you could see that" type of concession? If she's able to have open, matter-of-fact types of conversations about the entire thing, then she is probably in a good place with it emotionally.

In short (too late), my guess would be that she probably doesn't want her rape impacting her future (sexual) relationships. She's learned to deal with it, and you seem like an honest, caring person, so I think you will as well.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 11:53 AM on October 9, 2006

"You should stop feeling uncomfortable" is easier said than done.

Here's how I read your question: "My girlfriend likes a little rough treatment during sex. I've never been super into it, but it's just pretend... there's no harm in it. HOLY SHIT, she was raped when she was ten!?This is weirding me out... now and retroactively. I'm confused... am I wrong? Is she wrong? Can she really feel the way she says she feels? Do I have to keep participating in the dominance fantasy? What now?" (I hope I'm not distorting anything.)

If the issue of her rape isn't causing her problems in life now, then she doesn't need to talk with a counselor about it. If you want to continue seeing this woman, and if these questions get in the way, then counseling might be a good idea for you. You seem like someone who wants to do the right thing, and counseling can help a lot when you're having trouble figuring out what's right. Or you can just tell her that you want to drop the dominance role-play and see what happens. Since she's an on-again-off-again girlfriend, counseling might be too big a deal.
posted by wryly at 12:53 PM on October 9, 2006

What if she opened up to you about this trauma precisely because she saw that you could handle her kinks?
posted by felix betachat at 12:57 PM on October 9, 2006

Personally I'd tie the objectification to media influences rather than the rape. In fact, many of the romance novels I read as a teenager/young woman contained a premise that a real man would not be able to help being rough in his incredible desire for the heroine (and other equally tasteless ideas).

For me, what I found to be incredibly healing when sharing details of sexual abuse, was when nothing my lover did changed. I realised I was not inherently damaged or shameful or dirty.
posted by b33j at 12:58 PM on October 9, 2006

I don't think it's abnormal for girls not to tell their parents or family about this kind of thing. I don't think she needs to be told to consider therapy. If you can't handle having sex with her with what you know now, then don't.

FWIW I find the way you phrased the entire second part incredibly rude and distasteful--"feeding this desire" as if she's some kind of sicko because she likes to talk dirty in the sack? She probably doesn't know if it is or is not linked, and obviously is comfortable enough to disclose her past AND do what she likes. You are not your friend's keeper (unless you are, in which case, I retract all my "women are independent humans too" statements)
posted by shownomercy at 12:58 PM on October 9, 2006

As difficult as it may seem, you have to separate what happened to her from what you two do in bed.

Yeah. Frankly, it sounds like you're more interested in your own ability to feel that you're a supersensitive human being than in her sexual pleasure. It's good to be sensitive, but you're taking it way over the top. Give her what she needs, both in bed (a brisk rogering) and out (a patient and loving ear).
posted by languagehat at 1:20 PM on October 9, 2006

You know, it may be that she is into submission because she was raped (well, it's invariably more complicated than that simple equation, but you get the point). It's OK. You are not the rapist. She is a grown up. For whatever reasons that may or may not be related to her childhood trauma, female socialization, socialized sexual repression, or whatever else, she's turned on by submitting. It's OK for her to feel that way and, if you're into it, it's totally OK for you to play along.

For many people acting out fantasies that include abuse actually help heal that abuse. By 'taking charge' of being out of control, people can reclaim power or at the least release shame about the issue.

Becuase you have concerns about her history and you don't want to further traumatize her, I'd suggest reading a couple good books about dominant/submissive sex. It might help normalize it and give you both some pointers for staying emotionally (and physically - if you guys decide to branch out that way) safe.

A couple ideas:
The Bottoming Book is short and sweet - although the scenerios they describe might feel 'extreme' to you. It's one of my favorites.

Here's a nice list of other titles.
posted by serazin at 1:22 PM on October 9, 2006

Of course you can stop playing such a dominant role. Nobody has any right to force you into a role you're not comfortable with.

But you knew that. The real issue here, it sounds like, is your insistence that you're stopping for your girlfriend's own good.

Look, it may do her some good to be less submissive for a while, and it may not. But frankly, that's for her to decide. Meanwhile, you went through an upsetting experience recently. You found out your lover was raped. Since you're a good, humane, empathetic guy, it hit you pretty hard, and now you're uncomfortable in a sexual role you used to enjoy. It sounds like you, for your own good, want to be less dominant for a while so you can sort out your own feelings about sex and violence and power.

So take a break from the rough sex. You don't need an excuse — the fact that it bothers you right now is reason enough.

But be honest with her when you tell her that's what you want. Don't pretend you're the all-knowing Fantasy Police and you can see her desires are bad for her. You're just a nice guy who's had a bad jolt and playing rough isn't so good for you right now.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:52 PM on October 9, 2006

I agree with what others here are saying. Keep having a good time in bed with this woman you already know -- she is still the same complete, unbroken, capable person she was before she told you this. Submissiveness in bed is widespread and doesn't have to come from any kind of bad childhood experiences.

Dan Savage the sex advice columnist has addressed a similar issue; you might find it useful (especially the first letter on this topic, in the followup column):

Column from March 29, 2001
Followup letters in column from April 19, 2001
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:17 PM on October 9, 2006

Bear in mind the possiblity that she might not have shared this with you (or anyone else) before because she was concerned you'd make this connection, overanalyse it, treat her as broken, and stop fucking her the way she likes.

I'm not saying you are, but it's an angle you might not have considered.
posted by crabintheocean at 3:38 PM on October 9, 2006

A prior girlfriend of mine had a similar experience and enjoyed similar sexual play. I can certainly tell you that after learning about her being raped at a young age (though not as young as 11), it made me feel a bit freaked out, like I was participating in some sort of "dramatic re-enactment", and yeah, it felt kind of fucked up, and I felt frustrated that I couldn't go back in time and find this person who hurt her and feed them into a chipper-shredder.

I know it's impossible to just advise you not to worry about it or not connect the two things in your mind, but it is important to remember that there is a huuuuge difference between any sort of sex play and actually being raped. Like the difference between playing a round of Tekken or actually getting beaten up. It's play, and she enjoys it, so don't let this past event taint what's goign on between the two of you now. Take a break from the rough stuff if you need to, but remember that she wants what she wants, and it's with you and she trusts you (or she wouldn't have shared it with you), so it's okay, really.

I don't know if that helps, or if my advice is moot since it didn't work out between me and this person (for unrelated reasons), but just so you know, you're not the only person who's felt that way.
posted by Durhey at 4:43 PM on October 9, 2006

I watched a show called Sexual Healing on Showtime where they went over an extremely similar scenario and the therapist mentioned that the rape and later fastasies were fairly normal and almost common.
posted by prodevel at 4:48 PM on October 9, 2006

Well, I think just about everybody could benefit from therapy with the right therapist, but nothing about your girlfriend's history makes me think she needs therapy any more than anybody else. It is a disgusting shame of our society that rape is a lot more common than anybody ever admits.

As others have pointed out, you've been through a trauma now, too: Someone you care about was assaulted. There's a feeling of helplessness, because there's nothing you can do short of inventing a time machine and a feeling of self-blame because if you were perfect, then you could heal her perfectly. Furthermore, if you were perfect, you could exact perfect justice. The world that once seemed controllable isn't. To top it off, there's this extra confusion because you feel like you're recreating the rape every time you have sex. These are all perfectly normal, common, but ultimately irrational feelings. I've been there and felt that way. I already had a therapist and it helped.

You might need to grieve on your own about your own victimization by proxy. I know, it's weird to grieve something that seems so abstract now and it might even seem dismissive of the experience of original victims. Nevertheless, you will have to find a process for coming to terms with your own experience of this new information. So grieve or reflect on your own time, reverent in the tenacity of male and female survivors of assault who amazingly (to those of us who haven't been there) come back strong enough to live, trust and fuck after learning how fragile an individual's own control of the world can be. Forgive yourself for not being the perfect person who could heal all wrongs.

If your girlfriend has signs of mental illness or PTSD, then, certainly, encourage her to seek counseling. But do so knowing full well that it's a decision that she has to make for herself. It's not your burden and it's not your responsibility.

Your immediate reaction was probably the wrong reaction. I suffer from this male "she's telling me because she wants me to fix it for her," reaction all the time. That's also a consequence of your own feelings of victimization by proxy, but I make this mistake all the time for all kinds of mundane things. Women often share information like this not because they're looking for someone to fix it, but because they're looking for someone to listen. The fact that she trusts you this much is amazing and you might want to consider that she's ready to be more than just a "sometimes lover." That's a discussion for another day, though.

Kinky sex, in and of itself, is just kinky sex. If you're uneasy about your sex play, then that's a discussion you need to have, but that's also a totally different discussion that's totally separate from this new piece of information.

You might want to have another discussion and explain your feelings and why they led you to react the way you did. If you appreciate how much she trusts you, say how important that is to you and that you want her to feel totally safe to tell you things like this. If this AskMe has changed your mind about therapy, then say so. This discussion doesn't have to be a big deal. It might just be 5 to 10 minutes. Only make it longer, bigger if she initiates a more in-depth discussion.

Then, if everyone's up for it, go out and do something really fun and life affirming and forget about it for a while. Afterwards, if everyone's still up for it, fuck like it was going out of style. Methinks you'll get over your guilty feelings soon enough.
posted by Skwirl at 6:00 PM on October 9, 2006

She sounds really well-adjusted, and she just felt intimate enough with you to tell you about this. You don't need to do a thing differently, you've obviously been doing everything right if she trusted you enough to tell you this when she didn't trust so many others. Don't turn it into a big issue.

She doesn't need therapy, and she doesn't need to remember and rehash and bring up all the pain again. The best treatment for this kind of trauma is forgetting, and she has mostly forgotten. Don't make it weird for her, and don't try to force her to confront it "for her own good". She's in a good space and she's healed around the scar.
posted by evariste at 8:42 PM on October 9, 2006

I think it's admirable that you want to help, and didn't find the question rude or out of line. The fact that your partner told you these things doesn't meant you're not allowed to be selfish or confused. Especially on AskMe.

Here's a thought: if you're uncomfortable with the sex now, then you should talk to her. Maybe not right away. But nip this issue in the bud through discussion and honesty, rather than paranoia and waiting-around and walking on eggshells. Someone once confided in me about such an event; it was never brought up again. That night she told me her story, ended with 'Excuse me if I find it hard to trust you,' and went to sleep, alone. It's not like you can simply unlearn what you've learned; it caused some tension in the relationship, and I never talked to her about it - thinking that since she didn't want to bring it up, I had no right to do so (or that it would cause damage somehow).

Well: to hell with that. Be sensitive, be good, be supportive, listen carefully, and talk to her if you're uncomfortable. Let her know you're not going anywhere but that you need time to assimilate what she's told you, if that's what you actually need. (And remember: her problem is/was bigger than yours, sure. But both are problems.)

Good luck!
posted by waxbanks at 9:45 PM on October 9, 2006

For all those who say, she seems well-adjusted and doesn't need therapy- a word of caution.
I'm so glad for her that the experience did not ruin her sense of herself as a sexual being, that's important for all of us and was what I considered evidence that I was "over" a gang-rape at the age of 13. My boyfriend now husband was the first (and for many years the only) person I told. A good sex-life is very healing so I would invite you to look at your discomfort and really deal with it, because both of you need to be comfortable.
However, early trauma like this causes much more than sexual damage. There's the huge anger towards the significant adults in your life, whether they were the rapists or parents or older siblings, who in theory should have kept you safe. There's dealing with the issue of trusting others after that. In my case it took a breakdown in my thirties and 2 years of therapy before I began to deal with some of these issues. On the surface I was a successful businesswoman with wonderful children and a very loving husband. Yet I came close to commiting suicide. I did not link this to the rape, but after years of therapy I realise exactly how much damage it caused. Being able to enjoy good and even kinky sex is fantastic but thinking that this means she's dealing with or "over" the rape perpetuates the myth that rape is a sex crime. It really isn't, and I believe from my experience that you should encourage her to get some talking therapy before it becomes an issue in other areas of her life.

Good luck
posted by Wilder at 5:51 AM on October 10, 2006

I just read the post Dear Men on Heather Corinna's journal and thought of this question. Maybe it will help you, or give you some ideas of how you can support your friend.
posted by occhiblu at 10:28 PM on October 12, 2006