[HighschoolDramaFilter] Am I justified in my mistrust of this person who has lived a complete lie and now claims to be reformed, or should I bury the hatchet? Much, much, much
posted by anonymous to human relations (30 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I am in my senior year of high school.
There is a guy whom we shall name Bob. In grade 10, I found out that Bob had a terminal heart illness. Halfway through grade 10, Bob started going out with "Jill", a girl who came to the school at the beginning of grade 10 from across the country.
Fast-forward to grade 11. Bob and Jill's relationship seems to be on the fray, with Jill feeling stifled and Bob overreacting and controlling everything that Jill does. He gets mad if she goes to a party and drinks, and tried to make her promise that she won't every touch alcohol. He gets mad at some of the company she keeps - among others, a pothead. In the meanwhile, his condition is getting worse. From what he told me (and a group of friends) via our little blog circle in November: His doctors gave him six months to live, tops.
So Jill, naturally, is terrified of breaking up with him - not only due to his anger issues, but because Bob seems to have a really unsympathetic family, and because if she does break up with him, the shock might push him over the edge, so to speak. His blog posts are increasingly depressing as the relationship continues to peter off.
Keep in mind that this isn't an unbiased accounting: I get my information from a) Bob himself and b) Jill's best friend, who is also one of my closest friends. Both sides are incredibly skewered, and I don't exactly get the "outsider looking in" objectivity that I would like to have.
Around beginning January, Bob talks to Jill's best friend (Hmm, we'll name her Andrea) around 1 AM and makes a comment that alludes to suicide, before logging off unexpectedly. His cell phone was turned off, and we're led to believe that he left the house to clear his mind. Since Andrea's father committed suicide between the summer of grade 10 and grade 11, this was an extremely sensitive topic, so she freaks out and calls Jill and Bob's then-best-friend, "Sean". I was with her on MSN at the time. Jill ends up driving out with her mom to Bob's neighbourhood to find him, get him back inside, crisis averted. As his parents didn't seem to have noticed, or didn't notice till it was too late, it only reinforced Bob's previous tales of a very cold familial life. And so the blog posts continue.
Two weeks later, there was a volunteer event at school. A large group of us stayed after school. Jill finally ends up breaking up with Bob. He tells me and my boyfriend (a close friend of his) that he's going out for a walk, and doesn't respond to our entreaties for him to come back around 7. Jill leaves for a previous engagement, and Andrea stays with us.
An hour later, he's not back, and we start calling his cellphone. He doesn't pick up. The frantic caling and texting continues for around another 50 minutes, before Andrea receives a voice mail that goes along the lines of "Thanks for everything, it's been good." When we finally do reach him, around another 20 minutes later, he posits that he's on the roof of a five-floor building and seriously contemplating jumping. It's Andrea who reaches him. My BF offers to talk to him, but Bob refuses. His mother came to the school, worried that he wasn't home yet, and we had to explain the situation to her. Andrea stays on the phone arguing with him for another 30-40 minutes, while his father is driving around the city looking for potential places where he could be. Around nine, they do find him, and bring him home. Crisis averted.
Next day, he doesn't come to school. His blog claims he's been checked into a hospital. A follow-up post contained a very long accounting of how much he's hurt everyone, how truly sorry he is - especially to Jill - and how he plans on changing himself into a better person. He returns to school about two days later, completely mopey. He did come and talk to me at one point in time, and maybe it's paranoia, but I did notice that he seemed to be watching my face extremely closely while trying to pretend he wasn't looking at me, almost as if to gauge my reaction.
During this week, it came out that his heart condition is all but made up. He had one heart palpitation about five years ago, and has been fine ever since. He is completely healthy. As a result, Andrea - who'd previously been a friend - and Sean pull away completely, having been hurt thoroughly. My BF sticks with him, because he believes that Bob really has changed, and that further mistrust is unwarranted. As a result of this, Bob, who had been clingy as hell to Sean, suddenly turns around and loudly proclaims how my BF was the true friend after all, never mind that he flatly stated that he didn't want to talk to him, night of the "Incident."
Through March, there is a bit of yo-yo-ing between people. Bob is going to elaborate lengths to try and win his friends back, including being liberal with his money and leaving flowers on Jill's doorstep regularly. He also at one point in time claimed hypnotherapy, but that lasted for all of two days. People are drifting away and back again, but around April and May the loyalties are made clear. Jill, Sean, and Andrea want to have nothing to do with him. My BF is more or less his only friend in his previous circle, and I am, by extension, a friend.
I can't stand being around him. I've talked to my BF about this, because Bob is after all his best friend and I don't want to lie about it. There is, of course, a bit of jealousy mixed in - how well they get along, especially since my BF and I don't have a lot of common interests even though we'll listen to each other talk. But mostly, my problems with Bob stem from the following factors:
1. You don't lie about dying. End of story.
2. The way he manipulated Andrea, using her most vulnerable point.
3. Nothing he does seems genuine, i.e. giving 80$ gifts for no reason at all.
4. People don't tend to change, unless absolutely forced to. He still has friends, therefore he won't change.
5. A lot of the things he does are very openly ploys for attention.
There are other factors which would take even longer to get into, so I'll spare you, but those are the main ones. My boyfriend writes my mistrust off as female second-guessing, to paraphrase, because the people he actively sees shunning Bob - Andrea, Jill, and myself - are all girls, and he does know we tend to overanalyze. I'm civil to Bob - more so than I am to many people, and AFAIK Bob has no idea about my loathing. And though mentally cringing everytime I'm around him, I could've put up with it if it weren't for a few things. Jill has moved on, and no longer cares either way. They speak civilly, even if their paths rarely cross. Andrea still hates him, but is also too tired to care. Sean hates him even more than I do, but he has moved to another city. There still are a few people who think as I do, but they weren't directly involved in the "Incident" and get their info from me or Sean or Andrea, which doesn't bode well.
The fact that Jill, of all people, has moved on, makes me wonder: Is it actually female second-guessing? Am I beating a dead horse in prolonging my complete mistrust? At a time when it seems like everyone is too tired to care anymore, should I follow suit? I could, if I truly wanted to, try to forget about what happened. But it seems like forgetting, and letting my guard down, would be very dangerous things to do. I was in Bob's band for a short while in August, and while I had a lot of fun at the first practice, afterwards I felt completely miserable and ended up backing out. I don't really know what's right and what's wrong anymore, and as this is a sore point between my BF and I, I would like to know that when we do have disagreements over Bob, I can honestly say I'm justified. Otherwise, well. (avoiding him is not really an option, given his friendship with my BF and all...)
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