How can a young girl find peace with herself?

October 7, 2006 8:37 PM

How can a 14 year old girl overcome severe anxiety and low self-esteem, without prescribed medication?

At age 5 she was reading at a 6th grade level and exhibiting amazing curiosty, creativity and widsom beyond her years, but found it extremely difficult to connect with her peers and cope with the frustration and anxiety that resulted from her sense of loneliness. For nearly 10 years, she has struggled through public, private and home-school alternatives. Her parents have been very supportive for 10 years, trying to help her walk the line between staying true to her creative pursuits (she has terrific skill as a writer) and "fitting in" with her peer group. This inner conflict has consumed her, causing extreme anxiety and aggression to those around her. All the normal difficulties of life (social, emotional and intellectual) become significantly magnified, causing deep rage to develop. Her parents are deeply opposed to medicating, choosing to look for solutions for the problem (low self-esteem) rather than the symptom (her resulting behaviour).

In short - how can a teenage girl learn to like herself and her unique qifts, putting the pain of her past behind her, without moderating her very active brain with chemicals?

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 answers total)

Talk therapy.
posted by macadamiaranch at 8:39 PM on October 7, 2006

Finding like-minded people tends to help, I think. Maybe some after school activities revolving around her interests? There might be a writer's group in the area, or even something at the school - theater, perhaps?

Another thought is that it's very hard to "fit in" in a middle/high school setting. You're either one of the elite, or an outcast. Really, though, you just need to find one person that can understand you and it should make life easier. That's what worked for me, anyway.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:51 PM on October 7, 2006

This doesn't answer the overall question, but I think the whole frustration / anxiety / rage thing is an extremely teenage trait and will dissipate as she gets older. I went through that phase about the same age. I had suicide and disaster fantasies, was addicted to autopsy pictures, and was plotting up fascinatingly cruel ways of destroying my classmates. After a year or two it passed and now, some years later, I'm a reasonably well paid-up member of the human race. I dare say it was hormones.

On the 'how to like herself' part, however, you'll need to listen to someone else. The only suggestion I'd have is for her to get involved online with some writing / art communities, because if she's really that good, she'll get a lot of encouragement from those without feeling like a teenager stuck amongst adults.
posted by wackybrit at 8:53 PM on October 7, 2006

It doesn't sound like she has major problems. It'll all sort itself out in the end.
posted by k8t at 8:57 PM on October 7, 2006

Bingo on the talk therapy. Everyone has self-esteem issues, creative people more than most.

And bonus points to her parents for not medicating. Normal human situations shouldn't be medicated away.
posted by SpecialK at 9:02 PM on October 7, 2006

Depending on where she lives, a *good* martial arts teacher could possibly help. I used to help with the children's classes at an Aikido dojo, and it helped kids to gain confidence while learning to deal with aggression, anger, etc. in a constructive way. And, it's fun!

The teacher and the dojo are more important than which art. My bias it towards Aikido because you learn to fall well and you don't learn to hit.
posted by QIbHom at 9:07 PM on October 7, 2006

(I may be underestimating the extent of her difficulties, but...) It might be that trying out a new setting would help -- if she could get away from settings where she has a traditional role (of smarter-than-peers, or awkward-daughter-who's-the-focus-of-parental-concern), she might be able to reinvent herself a bit. That often happens at this age.

It would be doubly good if she could learn skills that help build her confidence -- in particular, physical skills, which might be lacking if she has been a bookworm growing up? Physicality is hard at her age, and will only add to the existing problem if she doesn't get some positive outlets for it. But physicality, or even just some physical skill that you've learned, can be a great source of confidence.

If it were summer, I would say send her to a great sleepaway camp for a month, where she could navigate the social waters without concerned parents looking on, and learn to canoe, act, waterski, sail, etc. During the school year, I'm thinking specifically of a setting like a National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) course (which is like Outward Bound, camping and backpacking trips that emphasize building wilderness and personal skills in a learn-by-doing setting). The courses are expensive; I don't know what NOLS's financial aid program is like but it can never hurt to ask.

In a setting like these, the group has a concrete task to do: set up a campsite, cook dinner, put on a play, whatever. Well-run programs will make sure that each kid has a role to play. Outside of school, the reads-at-a-high-level thing might be much less of an issue, since her outdoor skills are likely to be more on par with those of her peers.

Another possibility for next summer is Centers for Talented Youth (CTY), which are nerd camps for high schoolers. She could go for a few weeks, get away from the parents and be among other awkward smarties. :) I don't know if they run courses during the school year.

Something she might be able to do now would be, get involved with some physical activity that her parents don't do. (And something where she won't be competing with hyper-skilled athletes her own age... so ballet, soccer, probably not good choices.) Maybe horseback riding, or something else that kids may only get into when they hit high school?

Alternatively, could she get involved with community theater or some other writing-related thing where she would be interacting with adults? (But something that would belong to her, not her parents?)
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:12 PM on October 7, 2006

This one sounds well out of my league, but I wonder if a bit of travel would help. A co-worker's very bright 16 year old daughter is spending a year going to school in Japan right now. I don't know what her social/personal life was like here (other than guessing that really bright girls tend not to fit the typical expected gender role mold), but it just occurred to me what a huge and bold step that was for someone her age, and how it put her in a completely different environment with different background, expectations, and rules. She's really popular there. Everybody wants to hang out with her and practice their English on her. She's a bit of a novelty. I'm sure it's no cakewalk given the massive cultural differences, but what a unique experience.

Part of the problem here is the system your gal is in. Maybe if she was in a different environment, a different nation or culture, she'd be seen as different, but for different reasons than she's seen here, ones that didn't count against her. On preview I see that LobsterMitten is thinking along similar lines.

Firstly, she'd be challenged in ways she isn't challenged here. She could spread those wings a bit. She would need to use her precociousness and special gifts to keep up instead of having to try to blunt them to fit in.

Secondly, it would be a given, even to her, that she would be seen as different. She would naturally be defined as a foreigner, and would define herself that way. And other people would likely unknowingly file her special differences under that same rubric, just assuming that they were part of her foreignness. And for that reason, those qualities might shed their real or perceived punishability. She might therefore be more comfortable in being her complete and genuine self - - since it was expected.

I have zero qualifications, but know a bit about gifted children. Sometimes you have to get creative to design environments in which they can thrive. So this is just a thought. Maybe look into foreign exchange programs, or even summer homestays abroad if school abroad is not an option. Knowing the volatility of adolescents, it could completely backfire and be misinterpreted, but if she hates who/where she is, maybe she'd latch onto it as a welcome escape, a chance to stop defending and start stretching and exploring.
posted by kookoobirdz at 9:16 PM on October 7, 2006

wackybrit's and backseatpilot's advice is on the money, as far as I'm concerned. I don't know what role you play in her life, anonymous, but based on my own somewhat-similar experience, I'd say that just having you to talk to may be extremely helpful to her.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:19 PM on October 7, 2006

Being a teenage girl can be a very difficult experience these days -- girls can be deadly vicious to each other in high school. Drug and alcohol use is rampant - indeed, the girl you are writing about may be "self-medicating" already.

Several good books have been written about the plight of teenage girls. Reviving Ophelia is the flagship book of this enterprise. The parents may want to check it out, if they haven't already.

If they haven't tried talk therapy, they certainly should. But I think people get a little too freaked out with the whole psychiatric medication=bad thing. Very few people want to have teeth extracted without meds, or refuse to treat other illnesses without meds. The psychiatric use of medications has a bad reputation, probably deserved in some measure, from years when they were used indiscriminately and involuntarily.

I am a talk therapist, and I believe that people can accomplish amazing things through talk. However, I have *no* hesitation in opening up the possibility of exploring medication for clients who might benefit from them. They're not for everyone, they often work best when combined with talk therapy, but when they're right, meds can be provide an amazing amount of help to people. The right meds can literally save people's life.
posted by jasper411 at 9:21 PM on October 7, 2006

kookoobirdz suggests a foreign exchange program. My mother, my brother and I have all been on exchanges, and my mother is very much involved with a well-respected nonprofit that organizes these exchanges.

One thing that they make abundantly clear is that these programs are not intended for kids who are looking to escape problems they have at home. While they are indeed a wonderful tool for kids who have been previously shy or didn't fit in because they liked things like learning, it's important to remember that they will be in a foreign country, often with a language barrier, thousands of miles away from their previously established support system. For liability reasons as much as anything, they don't want to throw a kid into that situation who isn't fairly stable. A good organization will interview the student and the family and get a health history to determine if this kind of intense experience is viable. (They also prefer kids who are slightly older - in their second or third year of high school.) Maybe when she is a bit older and has cooled off a bit more, so to speak.

I think LobsterMitten's CTY suggestion is a great one. There's also the summer arts camp at Interlochen, which does feature creative writing. (They run a boarding school, too, if she falls in love with the place and her parents have money to spare). These are shorter-term things, which are good. Fourteen is still pretty young! A few weeks away from home will be long enough for her.
posted by anjamu at 9:56 PM on October 7, 2006

Another vote for group activities here.

Theater or drama club has been mentioned already, and it's a good suggestion; she'd probably be able to find some non-judgmental kindred spirits there. If acting's not her thing, then a school newspaper, literary magazine, debate society, Science Olympiad team, or Scholastic Bowl group would all provide similar benefits—a chance to build relationships in an environment where her natural abilities and unique interests would win her respect instead of derision.
posted by Iridic at 11:09 PM on October 7, 2006

Horses.
posted by cior at 11:36 PM on October 7, 2006

I would like to put a second on the martial arts suggestion because it really is non-competetive. Any single person athletic endeavor, from aerobics to cycling will do amazing things for self-image, because the results are physically apparent within days.

The competetive nature of other sports would make it more of a trial than a benefit.

The secondary aspect of this is that a parent must go along for the ride. You can't expect her to do this on her own for more than a week. The more time you spend with them young the less time you worry about them old.
posted by ptm at 11:39 PM on October 7, 2006

3rd Talk Therapy.

I mean, really. This is this person's life we're talking about here, it couldn't hurt to go to a professional.

As far as "medicating away life's problems", well, people medicate away their somatic medical problems all the time and no one complains.
posted by delmoi at 11:52 PM on October 7, 2006

...she has struggled through public, private and home-school alternatives. Her parents ... help her walk the line between staying true to her creative pursuits ... and "fitting in" with her peer group. ... Her parents are deeply opposed to medicating, choosing to look for solutions for the problem

Hello? The elephant in the room is that the problem is the parents. Not the kid, the peers or the schools. The parents. This child's behavior set didn't drop out of the clear blue sky. And it's unlikely that gangs of roving conformists have mercilessly tormented this child over 10 years of switching schools.

What's happening here is that her parents are failing to provide any mature direction or instilling their child with appropriate coping skills.

Therapy for the girl. Therapy for the parents.

Yeesh. You know, home-schooling works well ... as long you don't expect to actually learn how to, you know, talk to people.
posted by frogan at 12:23 AM on October 8, 2006

There's something to be said for finding a competence - something she can really be good at. You say she's a terrific writer - is she good enough to make the New Yorker short story section, right now today? I doubt it - so few of us are.

Here's what I was good at, around that age: waxing my car, my mom's car, my dad's car. I used to really get a kick out of it, and man did it ever gleam. Now that's probably not going to be what your friend is going to get a charge out of. But maybe there's something.
posted by ikkyu2 at 1:30 AM on October 8, 2006

Psychologist, therapist, counselor, once or twice a week. Frogan's right on -- for the parents as well.

And for God's sake, stop telling her how special she is. I was a 'gifted' child and it was an absolute burden. Oh, look at the kid who's so smart and so creative. Yeesh. Ram a pencil down my throat. All I wanted was to fit in and be normal and not be branded special. That changed when I found the right school at 14 and had a big blow-up with my parents and told them to just chill out about my 'gifts.' Coincidence that I had years of therapy that got me to that point of being able to verbalize what I was feeling? Nope. Of course, that's just my opinion. I'm sure everyone here has a feeling one way or another. I'm just saying, sometimes being told you're the smartest person in the room isn't quite a good thing.

Being 24 is about developing your talents and growing into your amazing abilities. Being 14 is about making friends and dating boys and getting caught doing naughty things.
posted by incessant at 3:34 AM on October 8, 2006

I went through exactly this thing as a kid, but my parents wouldn't change my educational environment (this was the mid 70's so it was not as common). I was miserable even up through college. What works for me now is therapy and medication, although I would caution that there are a lot of therapy styles and it can take work to find someone that works for you. Also after seeing my 6 year-old son exhibit many of the same issues I am convinced that there is a genetic component to it. Medication can be very trial and error to, but for some it is absolutely necessary. We don't treat a diabetic's need for insulin as a character flaw, do we?
posted by mattholomew at 4:01 AM on October 8, 2006

Hello? The elephant in the room is that the problem is the parents. Not the kid, the peers or the schools. The parents. This child's behavior set didn't drop out of the clear blue sky.

That's idiotic.

-- Well, no it's not, necessarily. Horrible parents can be horrible parents in very peculiar ways, and it's certainly possible that parents would look to all kinds of external cures to avoid their own issues as the cause.
posted by mattholomew at 4:07 AM on October 8, 2006

Horses would be a start. Temple Grandin discusses this in Animals in Translation.

Both Temple Grandin and I, on the other hand, wish to God we'd started antidepressants before we were in our thirties.
posted by rdc at 4:35 AM on October 8, 2006

Wow, it's like you're describing me in high school, except my parents were terrible. Sure, my mom was "supportive"--y'know, of the stuff she thought was important. This means my life was defined by academics and piano (my gifts, which in the case of piano were non-existent, she simply really wanted them to be there), but other things, like friends, swimming, and triathlons were not of concern. There's a lot more backstory, but when I would break into frustrated rages she and my dad would be completely flabbergasted, why, oh why would our daughter be mad at us, when we are so damn supportive?

So . . . Look. Everyone outside my family thought my mom was wonderful. Take that as you will. Recognize the danger of me projecting; but do remember there's a difference between being supportive of your child's talents and pushing your child to exploit those talents when all they really want to do it get along in school.

I'm afraid I can't tell you much about the solution. Going to gifted summer programs (such as Center for Talent Development and the Center for Talented Youth) and meeting kids like myself was marginally helpful, though my lack of social skills and severe insecurity made it difficult to do even that. Therapy wasn't much help, either, at least until college. I really just had to push it through for myself.

Y'know what would have really helped? Having someone, anyone, I could talk to who would listen empathetically without telling me how awesome my parents were. That was probably the best part about therapy. Having someone listen to me.
posted by schroedinger at 6:26 AM on October 8, 2006

Why not consider alternative forms of education, homeschooling, private programs etc? Why allow her to have her spirit broken in public school day after day, where the main goal is to "socialize" [the square peg gets hammered down]?

There are way too many talented, intelligent kids who are forced into the whole peer group thing in high schools where while they get dumbed down education, it is coupled with daily degredation.
Why is this even necessary? I know for myself as child there were far less alternatives for my parents to pursue but they have plenty today.

I think teaching a kid to relate to others of all ages and have a real education that involves allowing them to develop their gifts, supercedes the stupid "we must socialize them first", and turning the poor girl into another popular Brittany Spears [or whoever is popular now] loving drone.

This girl needs to be in a place besides a dumbed down public school. Public middle school and high schools are NIGHTMARES for the truly gifted, intelligent, and introspective. Take her out. She is NOT the problem, she doesnt need therapy, she needs TAKEN OUT. She is not allowed to be who she is.
posted by Budge at 7:08 AM on October 8, 2006

Her parents need to give up on her "fitting in" with her high school peers. That ship has sailed. If it is something she cares about, she'll get another shot in college, and yet another one in the workforce. And chances are she'll find a group to fit in, based on organic shared interests, and from that pick up some social skills about fitting into broader groups, if indeed she values that.
posted by MattD at 7:20 AM on October 8, 2006

This is a very personal topic (minus being female), and while I won't get into my own life story, I would like to point out a relevant bit of information: Gifted children tend to be underachievers later in life.

Whether this comes from societal pressure, bad parenting, the educational system, learning disability, or what, it's something I've noticed myself. This sort of disparity between "potential" and performance can lead to self-esteem issues. I echo the sentiment that she needs to find something that she is really good at, and that she enjoys, or she will have a very rough time until adulthood. Writing may or may not be it; writers often feel tortured by the process, and the same disparity between potential and performance can hit twice as hard for something you love.

Good luck.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 9:24 AM on October 8, 2006

synaesthetichaze
that wikipedia article is a bunch of horseshit. I went through the montgomery county, MD gifted programs and my social circle from high school is now at harvard med, cornell med, berkley grad, UVA law, harvard law, stanford grad, microsoft, and hopkins grad and we weren't even the nerds of the program. The biggest problems with being gifted is often the isolation if you're one of the few in the school. this can be overcome by getting involved in programs with other advanced students.

anon
I can sympathize a fair amount, I was a few years ahead in math and science growing up and I had a hard time relating to a lot of kids. The biggest things that helped me: CTY and Gifted and talented programs. It helped me realize that there was nothing wrong with being a bit of a nerd, and the confidence to hold my own in any social circle. I basically stopped being a wallflower in one summer. The main thing she needs to do is interact with people her own age who are at her mental level so that she can realize there's nothing wrong with her. Adolescence is hard enough without being the kid who leaves the kids there own age to go take classes with kids two to three years older. She needs a peer group that she can feel comfortable with so that she can handle the fact that she is different than everyone else.
posted by slapshot57 at 10:22 AM on October 8, 2006

Well, as always, ymmv. It's good to have additional points of view.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 10:37 AM on October 8, 2006

I would get her a pet. As an angry teenager I didn't fit with my peers - almost always ate lunch alone or skipped it entirely and sat and read in the library. What kept me sane were (in order of importance):
1. My dog - who went for long walks with me and provided unconditional love and company

2. The horses I worked after school and on weekends with, who provided a totally different source of interaction and were undemanding and totally accepting and made ME watch it because if I behaved badlly around them there were consequences (like getting kicked)

3. Karate at a local college which put me into contact with awhole different group of kids, many of whom were older, less creuel, nice to a younger kid and showed me that there were social groups that would accept me. The karate taught me that I was tougher than I ever thought.

4. A job - as a cashier in a restaurant which enabled me to be mostly financially independent from my parents and helped me build confidence.

... but it all started with the dog...
posted by zia at 10:43 AM on October 8, 2006

It's difficult to understand this "walk the line between staying true to her creative pursuits (she has terrific skill as a writer) and 'fitting in' with her peer;" how does being a gifted writer make her friends reject her? Writing is such a solitary activity, it seems as though it would be very easy to conceal from peers. And you mention that home schooling is failinger her as well, which suggests there is much more going on.

At the risk of being ... well ... not PC, this girl is likely struggling because of some reason unrelated to being "gifted." She is either odd-looking or odd-behaving. Sensing rejection from your peers because you say or do very odd things can be highly anxiety producing. Have the parents consulted with school counselors to discover if their daughter indeed behaves in an unorthodox manner with her peers?

Assuming I'm mistaken, and this is perfectly normal- looking well-mannered girl, who is nevertheless paralyzed by anxiety, then perhaps there is a chemical imbalance that should be addressed with diet and exercise first and prescriptions as a last resort.
posted by GIRLesq at 10:44 AM on October 8, 2006

Oh, and I got a fresh start when I got to college, and people who know me now have a hard time believing that I was ever a total outcast in high school!
posted by zia at 10:44 AM on October 8, 2006

And one more thing - all the therapists (no medication) were ultimately much less helpful (and some were actively harmful as they had there own agendas and were very pushy in advocating them) than finding my own path. Scrolling above, I'll note that I DID go to outward bound and enjoyed it as well. But it was the day to day stuff I did that made the difference.
posted by zia at 10:51 AM on October 8, 2006

SpecialK wrote...
Normal human situations shouldn't be medicated away.

This is why I'm treating my diabetes without resorting to unnatural drugs like insulin. I think my incipient blindness is a small price to pay for maintaining some sort of a philosophical-body-purity thing.

As for the main question: The parents need to understand that the symptoms are feeding back into the core problem here. Low self-esteem is a self feeding loop, and they shouldn't be ignoring the way that her own experience of her anger ("I hate other people and want nothing to do with them") reflects back on her ("Other people hate me and want nothing to do with me.")

A good place to start would be helping her to manage her anxiety. A talk therapist can help her learn strategies for doing that. For something that she can do for herself, learning to meditate -- particularly learning to breathe when she's anxious -- could make a world of difference for her.

I also second/third/fourth/whatever getting her into a martial art. Aikido is a good choice, but may seem a bit unsatisfying for her -- if she really just wants to hit something, get her into a striking art.
posted by tkolar at 12:18 PM on October 8, 2006

Based on my own similar experiences of being the supposedly brilliant kid who quite didn't fit in ("aw, look who's going to grow up to win the Pulitzer Prize!"), incessant and shroedinger's answers resonate deeply with me, especially the "but we're so supportive of you, what could you possibly have to be angry or sad about?" bit.

I think talk therapy for the girl is a must. She's hurting deeply and needs the perspective and the support of a third party who she knows won't judge her for (or try to talk her out of) voicing the feelings she's having. Maybe she's scared of failure, terrified of disappointing her parents, resentful of the pressure she feels, or feels like she's a freak who will never have a boyfriend (or girlfriend!) or believes being loved is conditional on being "good" at things.

I also think encouraging her to pursue activities for enjoyment's sake (rather than for achievement's sake) is very important, whether it's martial arts, joining a drama club or literary magazine, or even just being really into bands (which was my big personal and social outlet starting around the same age). It's vital that she have pursuits that aren't geared around her being "exceptional" in some way, plus it's a potential way for her to meet peers who have common interests and outlooks.
posted by scody at 12:22 PM on October 8, 2006

er, for "who quite didn't fit in," read "who didn't quite fit in." No wonder I never won that Pulitzer!
posted by scody at 12:25 PM on October 8, 2006

Answers all over the place. The phrase I found most perplexing was "At age 5 she was reading at a 6th grade level and exhibiting amazing curiosty, creativity and widsom beyond her years, but found it extremely difficult to connect with her peers and cope with the frustration and anxiety that resulted from her sense of loneliness. For nearly 10 years, she has struggled through public, private and home-school alternatives" If this has been a consistent and pervasive characteristic since age 5 +/- I would be more inclined to think it might be one of the developmental syndromes that can make it very difficult for children to accurately read social cues, etc (for example Asperger's Syndrome). I am not suggesting that is what she has but I would certainly hope she has been evaluated at an excellent center for develomental disorders or children with special needs. If this is the case her therapy is going to be significantly different than much of the talk therapy that is likely to be offered. I would check out University Centers where that have a strong child neuropsych program. This does not sound to me as if it is the normal struggles of a moderately gifted child. I have no idea if she would or would not benefit from medication--depends on the dx and nature of problems. Her parents unilateral opposition is selfish and possible hurtful.
posted by rmhsinc at 1:18 PM on October 8, 2006

Hello? The elephant in the room is that the problem is the parents. Not the kid, the peers or the schools. The parents. This child's behavior set didn't drop out of the clear blue sky. And it's unlikely that gangs of roving conformists have mercilessly tormented this child over 10 years of switching schools.

What's happening here is that her parents are failing to provide any mature direction or instilling their child with appropriate coping skills.

Um?

Lots of people with wonderful, attentive supportive parents grow up to have social problems. Most of them do their whole school careers in public schools, which aren't exactly control groups for healthy social integration. In fact they can be especially hellish if you're bright beyond your years and particularly sensitive.

Lots of talk, with someone who isn't trying to fix things, but just listen and affirm, is of utmost importance. Beyond that, who knows, without knowing the kid? Space for artistic expression, especially with other bright and inquisitive kids, could be a huge help.

Hearing my younger self in the description, I would serious recommend looking in to some sort of theatre or drama arts program. It's something that actually encourages expressing your weirder sides, and makes you a hell of a lot more confident and sociable, but without explicitly being about that.
posted by poweredbybeard at 1:37 PM on October 8, 2006

With me, the best thing was a peer group. We were all very geeky, very well-read teens and being with a group of people with similar interests without feeling like I had to "shut off the geek" was the best thing.

It still took years to learn to be happy with what's in my head.

I've some good recommendations for Odd Girl Out.
posted by plinth at 2:32 PM on October 8, 2006

I'm 16 (well, 17 on Tuesday) and I'm basically a total nerd. Like, gifted and talented, IB, summer nerd camps, the works. And believe me, I have plenty of friends with "supportive" parents they wish would just leave them alone. Being smart sucks a lot of the time. Some of the advice I agree with: Summer nerd camps for talented youth- I have attended and loved the Duke TIP summer programs. Three of the best summers of my life. The way these programs are set up if they're any good is you don't have time to be lonely and you pretty much are forced to make friends. Organized activities, hall groups you spend a lot of time with, etc. I highly recommend them for any socially inept smart kid. Also, developing an identity beyond "oh you're so smart" is super helpful. The best ones are those the kid finds by themselves and that come with a culture that isn't much linked to the nerdy girl culture she is already part of. The internet is excellent for this- message boards rock. I developed an interest in music and webcomics at about the age of the girl in question. Video games, Wikipedia, fashion, arts and crafts, whatever. As long as it isn't, like, playing the violin or something. Therapy is certainly a good option as well, especially if she is really anxious about social situations. Realizing that most people don't really care if I look dumb helped me a lot. The summer programs helped me realize people can like me and enjoy spending time with me. The subcultures helped me gain confidence and made me realize that high school sucks, will always suck, and that it really doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things. Sorry for the length of this, but I was a lot like this girl (down to the reading level at age 5, even) and it isn't too late for her. I've only found a good group of friends in the last year or so, so she shouldn't give up.
posted by MadamM at 4:11 PM on October 8, 2006

Maybe it's not my place to judge, but I can't help but feel that the parents are doing more harm than good. I'm taking Lexapro for anxiety, and it's worked well. (Not 100%, but quite well.) My doctor, FWIW, is also on it, and neither of us have any side effects.

I've also found that, with a strong resolve to forcibly immerse myself in social settings, I'm becoming a little less anxious in them. I even look forward to some social events now, something that I used to avoid at all costs. (The first time my roommates hosted a party, I stayed in my bedroom and built a bookcase.)

I also feel like this is something she has to deal with. Not entirely on her own, but if my parents had forced me to attend social events or to go to therapy because they thought I needed it, I'd have hated them and 'made' myself have a miserable time.

choosing to look for solutions for the problem (low self-esteem) rather than the symptom (her resulting behaviour).

A lot of 'mood disorders' as my doctor calls them, such as depression and anxiety, aren't just symptoms of low self-esteem. They have a biological cause, which is best corrected my medication. While I can understand that people are sometimes over-medicated, it really scares me to see parents with such a blanket opposition to medication, especially in places where it might be the best course of action. I'm not a doctor, but neither are they. (As far as I know.) Please encourage them to at least discuss their decision with a doctor.
posted by fogster at 4:36 PM on October 8, 2006

This sounds to me like normal teenage angst for the mild overachiever. My advice would be to honestly try to get over the idea that you're particularly special. You are not as special as you think you are, and if you continue to tell yourself that story, you will a)increase the disparity between expectation (your own most of all, though partly your own projected onto what you think your parents/etc expect) and actual achievement, which will feed the spiral down, and b)cause social difficulty and stunt your own growth as a person.

Seriously: get over it and choose small, achievable goals that will build into something, rather than getting lost in amorphous dreams. Martial arts is a very good one, because you have to be respectful and humble, and go through every stage without skipping ahead, and you actually do learn practice and discipline. Or taking up a language or a musical instrument might be worth doing...

But wearing lots of black and listening to moody indie rock is part of the joy of being a teenager... I dunno, I did talk therapy and I think it just made me more narcissistic. I wish someone had been around to get it through to me that achievement is about hard work not natural talent, and that everyone else is a special snowflake too, because I wasted a lot of time fantasizing when I should have been producing. On the other hand, maybe people did tell me that & I just wasn't listening 'cause I was a self-obsessed teenager.

Bottom line: emphasize small achievable goals over vague talents; get involved in some structured community based activities (like martial arts, or theatre, or the school paper -); and consider the feelings a normal part of adolescence unless or until they are truly interfering with life.
posted by mdn at 5:34 PM on October 8, 2006

Not all therapies are equally effective. CBT(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) worked very well for me in combating depression and anxiety, and I'd recommend it. Partly because experiamental results are good, and partly because it has a clear and simple logic to it, unlike say psycoanalysis, which makes it easier to have faith in it. It takes a while to find the right person however. Don't let her get discouraged if she gets nothing helpful from her first, or second, or even third therapist. Hard for the process to do any real harm too, even if it does no good.

I think her parents are wrong to write off drugs. They helped me, they do help a lot of people, and they should be an option.

Lots above about the company of like minded kids being a good idea, which I totally agree with.

Also a dog is an excellent idea.
posted by Touchstone at 1:32 AM on October 9, 2006

Find people who are similar to yourself. Every teenager goes through the angsty "no one understands me, and I can't relate to anyone" years. It's during this time when we withdraw when we really should be trying to break out of our shell. Anyone can be anxious or lonely, but it's really what you do about it.

Find a local club, a book club, a writing group, whatever. The point is to get out and be social. If you can't relate to people YOUR age find people a bit older. You'll be surprised how eager people are to be friends with you if you make the effort.

Lonliness sucks, big time. Almost all teenagers go through it at some point. You sound like you have great parents, so confide in them and spend time with them. I saw a pet mentioned above and that's not a bad idea either, you wouldn't believe how therapeutic they can be. Mine just left for Florida and I'm sad without him lol. Online communities are a nice way to meet other writers or creative people, but I would go with face-to-face interaction. Think painting or writing classes. No one says you have to be friends with your peers. Sometimes you get along with people who are older (and even younger in some cases).

The biggest thing is not to let yourself get discouraged. Realize that you have special talents and you're a unique person. If you want more friends get out and do something about it. Never aquiece, keep pushing for what you want. Good luck!
posted by PetiePal at 9:58 AM on October 9, 2006

I was in a similar situation at that age, with parents who were similarly anti-medication. I was often the target of bullies and ridicule. I had talk therapy too. I think the therapists themselves meant well, but the fact that I had counseling was another thing that other kids could use to "single me out" and I resented it at the time. (I lived in a small town). Having outside interests and avocations with like-minded individuals inside school (meeting with fellow "artistic types" who wore black and sat at the same lunch table, joining the drama club) and/or having activities outside of the school setting (the theatre group, horseriding, and aikido lessons that have been suggested) where you can make positive accomplishments not only "boosts self esteem" but allows the practice of socialization skills as well and _importantly_ additionally allows you to see that there is a larger world outside of your school where those kids really don't matter much. Also, the nerd reputation doesn't cross county lines! I went to college upstate and obtained a modicum of popularity while I was there.
posted by bunky at 11:48 AM on October 9, 2006

Perspective is key. I was a "gifted" child (supposedly) and have suffered for years with anxiety. Had I realised in my school days - actually REALISED - that there was another life beyond what I was going through at the time, I wouldn't have felt so bad.

Perspective is *key*!

Therapy is good also...
posted by unmusic at 5:44 AM on October 18, 2006