Was I wrong to contact my father out of the blue after 38 years?
October 5, 2006 2:56 PM Subscribe
A question about contacting a long-lost parent, and the complications that can arise when and if you do. Adoption is not involved in this particular case, but there is, of course,
This is very long, for which I apologize in advance. Also, some of you will know who I am because of some things about this situation which I've written in private venues elsewhere. I hope you will honor my request to keep the people involved with this story anonymous on this very popular public forum.
My father and his wife were married 52 years ago. I am 38. You can do the math.
My father and my mother were together for some amount of time in the late 1960’s (probably about a year) while my father was separated from his wife. (This whole story is a big secret and neither my mother nor my grandparents ever really discussed it with me, so I'm putting together a lot of clues here, but don't have much detail.) Shortly after I was born, my mother moved to another state to live with her parents. My father vanishes from the photos in my childhood photo album when I'm about four months old. I believe that he returned to his wife and other children at that time. At least one of his other children -- my half-sister K -- knows that I exist. She lives on the other side of the country and I have met and spoken with her several times. It seems as though one condition of my father returning to his family (or, I guess, his "other" family) was that neither my mother nor I would ever be spoken of again.
I have never spoken to my father, or gotten an card or letter from him, or had him communicate directly with me in any way. He provided no financial support to my mother that I'm aware of. He just -- vanished. When I was about five, my mother changed my name and her own, and there is some question as to whether or not the sole copy of my birth certificate that I have available has my correct year of birth on it. Its possible she was trying to 'hide' me, but since we never moved I think its more likley that she was trying to give us both a fresh start.
My entire growing up, I believed that my parents were divorced, although I don't actually recall anyone telling me that, or, in fact, ever discussing my father in any way at all. When I was in grade school I would make up stories about him -- that he had died in Vietnam, that he was a secret agent, -- when other kids asked why I didn't seem to have a dad. I had a very, very dim memory of my Grandmother showing me a photo (perhaps that came with a Christmas card?) and telling me that the people in the photo were my brothers and sisters, but I was never able to make any sense out of that memory.
My grandparents have both passed away, and I have not been able to speak about any of this directly with my mother. She simply refuses to talk about it. "It was not because of you" is all that she will ever say.
When I was in my early 20s, my half-sister contacted me (her then-husband was adopted and had found his birth parents, which made her want to try and locate me), and shared with me the part that I did not know: namely that my father and his wife had been married in 1954, and that they already had three children when my father met my mother, and that they had never divorced.
I was in contact with K (my half-sister) for about two years and then she got a divorce and moved and we fell out of touch. Honestly, while I've always wondered how things go to this state of affairs (so to speak), my father has never been even in the top 100 of the things that I think about on a daily basis. I grew up with a wonderful strong mother and loving and warm grandparents as caregivers, and I wanted for nothing.
** ten years pass **
While I was pregnant with my son, I began to review what I knew about my father, mainly prompted by an increasingly strong desire to obtain his medical history as part of the genetic screening we went through before the baby was born. After our son was born, and we were looking at my baby pictures to try and determine if he looked more like me or like his father, I turned the whole situation in my head over even more. Looked at it from a lot of different angles.
Then, a little more than a week ago, I wrote a short, fairly generic note on a card, enclosed a photo of the baby and a copy of the birth announcement that was in the newspaper, and mailed it off. My father has a very unusual first and last name, and using Google and Superpages I got his address in under five minutes. I didn’t write "Hi Dad" or anything of that sort - I tried very hard to keep the note short and very generic ("Thought you might want to know that our son, [son's name here], was born on [date]. He's a happy, healthy little guy who brings us joy every single day. Everyone here is well and happy and I hope that you and your family are well also. [signed, me]") In fact, since my last name is now different (as is my mother's), and sons last name is also different from either of ours, if you didn't have my first name, my mother's first name, and knew what state we lived in - or even if you did – it might take you a minute to figure out who this card was from.
I’d never attempted to contact my father before, although I had toyed with the idea many times. I can’t say for sure what prompted me to try and contact him now. Perhaps its just the hormones. : - ) I don’t want anything from him. I’m not even sure that I’d know what to say to him if I met him. Part of me really doesn’t need to know anything else about a man who could simply turn his back on his four month old child and walk away forever. Certainly having this baby in our lives now cements for me how difficult that would be. But another part of me feels like this has all been a big unspoken secret for far too long – nearly 40 years, after all – and that this man, whomever he is, had the right to know that he had a grandson. After all, my mother is 72 and my father is somewhat older than that (I believe he is about 75 or so.) Perhaps he has reached the point in his life where he wants to tie up loose ends, and perhaps sending him this one photo would give him permission to do that, if he wished to. Or, perhaps it would just make him happy to know that we are happy and healthy and he’d never do anything about it. Or, maybe he’d just throw it away – or his wife would open it and she’d throw it away and he would never see it. Suffice to say that many possible scenarios ran through my mind. But it seemed like someone, sometime, had to take the first step.
On Tuesday, I got a voice mail message from K, which I would characterize as “trying not to sound upset”. In a nutshell, she said that her father was out of town, her mother had opened the card, and that her mother is elderly and frail and that her mother had been “very upset” by the card – had called K crying and it had made her relive a very bad time in her life, etcetera etcetera, and would I please call K back. I got the impression that K was asked to somehow reassure her mother that my father and I had not been secretly in contact for years. I did call her, got her voice mail, and left a very neutral message (“Hi, got your message, Sorry I couldn’t answer when you called. Feel free to call me anytime. I’ll try to call again another time.”). She then called me back again twice, once leaving a very short (18 second) message and the second time a longer message much in the same tone as the original one – my parents are both elderly and frail, this has upset my mother terribly, my mother opens all the mail that comes to the house, etcetera etcetera, and would I please call her back.
So, this afternoon I called her again. Got her voicemail again. Left a somewhat longer message more or less recapping what I said above -- assure your mother that I’m not going to turn up on their doorstep demanding money or anything else. I’m sorry I upset her. No one is under any obligation to do anything here. I simply felt that my father was entitled to know that he had a grandson, that perhaps he would like to know that. As you say, they are getting older, and some people feel the need to tie up the loose ends of their life. If your father wants to do that, he’s welcome to, but its not something I need him to do. Nice to hear from you, and I look forward to speaking with you “live” soon.
And that’s where we sit. But, as you can imagine, I’ve spent the better part of several days second guessing my decision. I did do it as a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing, but only in that I’d been turning it over in the back of my mind for months, but suddenly saw a card in the drugstore and thought “I’ll buy that and send that note off today”.
Did I do right here? Wrong? Am I the bad guy? Do questions such as right and wrong even matter in a situation like this? After all, its been nearly 40 years, years where many people have lied about many things, both to themselves and other people. On the one hand, its silly and it seems to me the lying needs to end sometime. Its kind of uncomfortable being someone else’s dirty family secret. When our son comes to that point in second or third grade that I did, where he’s asked to draw up a family tree, I’d like to be able to tell him something more about his Grandfather than I was able to say. Plus, the small, spiteful part of me thinks ‘what right does this woman have to be this upset?’ – after all, she won. She somehow, using love or threats, convinced my father that walking away from his child was the right thing to do, and kept him with her for all these years. What threat can I possibly pose now? (I suppose she thinks I want their money, but I swear to you that is the furthest thing from my mind.)
On the other hand, K is pretty clearly upset that I sent the card, and I kind of feel bad that I have caused this little old lady (somebody’s mom!) whom I don’t know from Adam such distress. K even seems to imply in her second message that her mother is quite ill and that she’s afraid all this stress will cause her some kind of “setback”. And I do feel slightly guilty about that.
Then there is a tiny little part of me that wonders - Was her mother really all that upset? Or is it K that’s actually the one who is really upset, since to this point she’s always been the only “little girl” in her father’s life? But that’s a bit too soap opera for me….
Right now my next step is do nothing. I’ve still not spoken to K “live” and I suspect that we’ll trade voice mails a couple more times, or that I’ll get to speak with her live at some point and be politely made to feel guilty for this thing that I’ve done. That’s fine, she’s very protective of her parents and that is her right. I really have no intention of contacting my father again, but will certainly speak with him if he chooses to contact me.
I’m not quite sure how to end this, except to say that I guess I’m soliciting feedback from you all – sort of using you as a kind of social norms sounding board. I’m not looking for anyone to be “at fault” here, but rather trying to find out how people with a range of family experiences other than my own would process all this.
This is very long, for which I apologize in advance. Also, some of you will know who I am because of some things about this situation which I've written in private venues elsewhere. I hope you will honor my request to keep the people involved with this story anonymous on this very popular public forum.
My father and his wife were married 52 years ago. I am 38. You can do the math.
My father and my mother were together for some amount of time in the late 1960’s (probably about a year) while my father was separated from his wife. (This whole story is a big secret and neither my mother nor my grandparents ever really discussed it with me, so I'm putting together a lot of clues here, but don't have much detail.) Shortly after I was born, my mother moved to another state to live with her parents. My father vanishes from the photos in my childhood photo album when I'm about four months old. I believe that he returned to his wife and other children at that time. At least one of his other children -- my half-sister K -- knows that I exist. She lives on the other side of the country and I have met and spoken with her several times. It seems as though one condition of my father returning to his family (or, I guess, his "other" family) was that neither my mother nor I would ever be spoken of again.
I have never spoken to my father, or gotten an card or letter from him, or had him communicate directly with me in any way. He provided no financial support to my mother that I'm aware of. He just -- vanished. When I was about five, my mother changed my name and her own, and there is some question as to whether or not the sole copy of my birth certificate that I have available has my correct year of birth on it. Its possible she was trying to 'hide' me, but since we never moved I think its more likley that she was trying to give us both a fresh start.
My entire growing up, I believed that my parents were divorced, although I don't actually recall anyone telling me that, or, in fact, ever discussing my father in any way at all. When I was in grade school I would make up stories about him -- that he had died in Vietnam, that he was a secret agent, -- when other kids asked why I didn't seem to have a dad. I had a very, very dim memory of my Grandmother showing me a photo (perhaps that came with a Christmas card?) and telling me that the people in the photo were my brothers and sisters, but I was never able to make any sense out of that memory.
My grandparents have both passed away, and I have not been able to speak about any of this directly with my mother. She simply refuses to talk about it. "It was not because of you" is all that she will ever say.
When I was in my early 20s, my half-sister contacted me (her then-husband was adopted and had found his birth parents, which made her want to try and locate me), and shared with me the part that I did not know: namely that my father and his wife had been married in 1954, and that they already had three children when my father met my mother, and that they had never divorced.
I was in contact with K (my half-sister) for about two years and then she got a divorce and moved and we fell out of touch. Honestly, while I've always wondered how things go to this state of affairs (so to speak), my father has never been even in the top 100 of the things that I think about on a daily basis. I grew up with a wonderful strong mother and loving and warm grandparents as caregivers, and I wanted for nothing.
** ten years pass **
While I was pregnant with my son, I began to review what I knew about my father, mainly prompted by an increasingly strong desire to obtain his medical history as part of the genetic screening we went through before the baby was born. After our son was born, and we were looking at my baby pictures to try and determine if he looked more like me or like his father, I turned the whole situation in my head over even more. Looked at it from a lot of different angles.
Then, a little more than a week ago, I wrote a short, fairly generic note on a card, enclosed a photo of the baby and a copy of the birth announcement that was in the newspaper, and mailed it off. My father has a very unusual first and last name, and using Google and Superpages I got his address in under five minutes. I didn’t write "Hi Dad" or anything of that sort - I tried very hard to keep the note short and very generic ("Thought you might want to know that our son, [son's name here], was born on [date]. He's a happy, healthy little guy who brings us joy every single day. Everyone here is well and happy and I hope that you and your family are well also. [signed, me]") In fact, since my last name is now different (as is my mother's), and sons last name is also different from either of ours, if you didn't have my first name, my mother's first name, and knew what state we lived in - or even if you did – it might take you a minute to figure out who this card was from.
I’d never attempted to contact my father before, although I had toyed with the idea many times. I can’t say for sure what prompted me to try and contact him now. Perhaps its just the hormones. : - ) I don’t want anything from him. I’m not even sure that I’d know what to say to him if I met him. Part of me really doesn’t need to know anything else about a man who could simply turn his back on his four month old child and walk away forever. Certainly having this baby in our lives now cements for me how difficult that would be. But another part of me feels like this has all been a big unspoken secret for far too long – nearly 40 years, after all – and that this man, whomever he is, had the right to know that he had a grandson. After all, my mother is 72 and my father is somewhat older than that (I believe he is about 75 or so.) Perhaps he has reached the point in his life where he wants to tie up loose ends, and perhaps sending him this one photo would give him permission to do that, if he wished to. Or, perhaps it would just make him happy to know that we are happy and healthy and he’d never do anything about it. Or, maybe he’d just throw it away – or his wife would open it and she’d throw it away and he would never see it. Suffice to say that many possible scenarios ran through my mind. But it seemed like someone, sometime, had to take the first step.
On Tuesday, I got a voice mail message from K, which I would characterize as “trying not to sound upset”. In a nutshell, she said that her father was out of town, her mother had opened the card, and that her mother is elderly and frail and that her mother had been “very upset” by the card – had called K crying and it had made her relive a very bad time in her life, etcetera etcetera, and would I please call K back. I got the impression that K was asked to somehow reassure her mother that my father and I had not been secretly in contact for years. I did call her, got her voice mail, and left a very neutral message (“Hi, got your message, Sorry I couldn’t answer when you called. Feel free to call me anytime. I’ll try to call again another time.”). She then called me back again twice, once leaving a very short (18 second) message and the second time a longer message much in the same tone as the original one – my parents are both elderly and frail, this has upset my mother terribly, my mother opens all the mail that comes to the house, etcetera etcetera, and would I please call her back.
So, this afternoon I called her again. Got her voicemail again. Left a somewhat longer message more or less recapping what I said above -- assure your mother that I’m not going to turn up on their doorstep demanding money or anything else. I’m sorry I upset her. No one is under any obligation to do anything here. I simply felt that my father was entitled to know that he had a grandson, that perhaps he would like to know that. As you say, they are getting older, and some people feel the need to tie up the loose ends of their life. If your father wants to do that, he’s welcome to, but its not something I need him to do. Nice to hear from you, and I look forward to speaking with you “live” soon.
And that’s where we sit. But, as you can imagine, I’ve spent the better part of several days second guessing my decision. I did do it as a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing, but only in that I’d been turning it over in the back of my mind for months, but suddenly saw a card in the drugstore and thought “I’ll buy that and send that note off today”.
Did I do right here? Wrong? Am I the bad guy? Do questions such as right and wrong even matter in a situation like this? After all, its been nearly 40 years, years where many people have lied about many things, both to themselves and other people. On the one hand, its silly and it seems to me the lying needs to end sometime. Its kind of uncomfortable being someone else’s dirty family secret. When our son comes to that point in second or third grade that I did, where he’s asked to draw up a family tree, I’d like to be able to tell him something more about his Grandfather than I was able to say. Plus, the small, spiteful part of me thinks ‘what right does this woman have to be this upset?’ – after all, she won. She somehow, using love or threats, convinced my father that walking away from his child was the right thing to do, and kept him with her for all these years. What threat can I possibly pose now? (I suppose she thinks I want their money, but I swear to you that is the furthest thing from my mind.)
On the other hand, K is pretty clearly upset that I sent the card, and I kind of feel bad that I have caused this little old lady (somebody’s mom!) whom I don’t know from Adam such distress. K even seems to imply in her second message that her mother is quite ill and that she’s afraid all this stress will cause her some kind of “setback”. And I do feel slightly guilty about that.
Then there is a tiny little part of me that wonders - Was her mother really all that upset? Or is it K that’s actually the one who is really upset, since to this point she’s always been the only “little girl” in her father’s life? But that’s a bit too soap opera for me….
Right now my next step is do nothing. I’ve still not spoken to K “live” and I suspect that we’ll trade voice mails a couple more times, or that I’ll get to speak with her live at some point and be politely made to feel guilty for this thing that I’ve done. That’s fine, she’s very protective of her parents and that is her right. I really have no intention of contacting my father again, but will certainly speak with him if he chooses to contact me.
I’m not quite sure how to end this, except to say that I guess I’m soliciting feedback from you all – sort of using you as a kind of social norms sounding board. I’m not looking for anyone to be “at fault” here, but rather trying to find out how people with a range of family experiences other than my own would process all this.
I don't believe you were wrong to send the note. He is your father after all, whether his wife likes that fact or not. If his wife sees you as a threat after all this time it's only because you are physical evidence of her husband's unhappiness in that marriage (at least at that time). $$ probably has nothing to do with her feelings.
To give you some real world feedback - I have a friend, much older than you, with a very similar story (married father with children who returned to that family and did not stay in contact with my friend & the mother also refused to discuss the father or the circumstances). He was able to locate his biological family, the father was already dead, the wife still living. The wife was not even aware of my friend's existence, but her children decided to tell her. Yes, she was upset, and elderly as well. No, it didn't kill her or make her ill. How upset the wife gets is her own choice.
I will tell you that your parent's decision was not all that unusual for those times. Like your mother says, it was not because of you. It was believed that things like this were better kept quiet and that a man's 1st responsibility was to his legal wife and the children who were born first. With that frame of mind, they did the only right thing they could have done - you were protected and the other children were protected as much as they knew how to do at the time.
As for what to do now? What's done is done, the letter was sent and you had every right to send it and you did not and do not have an obligation to continue to participate in an agreement you had no say in (to keep secrets from the wife or stay away from your bio father). Imho, it's time for everyone to face facts and deal with it. You have every right to continue contacting your father if you wish to, unless he personally tells you to take a hike.
I also don't quite know why, but your urge to contact your father after the birth of your child is normal. I did the same after I had my first and couldn't begin to explain why or what it was I wanted.
posted by LadyBonita at 8:09 PM on October 5, 2006
To give you some real world feedback - I have a friend, much older than you, with a very similar story (married father with children who returned to that family and did not stay in contact with my friend & the mother also refused to discuss the father or the circumstances). He was able to locate his biological family, the father was already dead, the wife still living. The wife was not even aware of my friend's existence, but her children decided to tell her. Yes, she was upset, and elderly as well. No, it didn't kill her or make her ill. How upset the wife gets is her own choice.
I will tell you that your parent's decision was not all that unusual for those times. Like your mother says, it was not because of you. It was believed that things like this were better kept quiet and that a man's 1st responsibility was to his legal wife and the children who were born first. With that frame of mind, they did the only right thing they could have done - you were protected and the other children were protected as much as they knew how to do at the time.
As for what to do now? What's done is done, the letter was sent and you had every right to send it and you did not and do not have an obligation to continue to participate in an agreement you had no say in (to keep secrets from the wife or stay away from your bio father). Imho, it's time for everyone to face facts and deal with it. You have every right to continue contacting your father if you wish to, unless he personally tells you to take a hike.
I also don't quite know why, but your urge to contact your father after the birth of your child is normal. I did the same after I had my first and couldn't begin to explain why or what it was I wanted.
posted by LadyBonita at 8:09 PM on October 5, 2006
As someone who once experienced a slightly similar "family lies" situation, I think you've handled this very well. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you're not responsible for his wife's emotional state - and if guilt is in fact what your half-sister is trying to make you feel, she's being rude and unfair. It might (emphasis: might) have been better to attempt to contact your half-sister first, and let her be a go-between, but I don't see how any reasonable person could say you had an obligation to do so after a ten-year gap.
Did you mention the medical records issue in your "somewhat longer" phone message? That's what I would focus on - getting your father's medical records for the sake of his grandson's health. Once the emotions calm, I'd ask my half-sister politely if she would help with that.
posted by mediareport at 8:27 PM on October 5, 2006
Did you mention the medical records issue in your "somewhat longer" phone message? That's what I would focus on - getting your father's medical records for the sake of his grandson's health. Once the emotions calm, I'd ask my half-sister politely if she would help with that.
posted by mediareport at 8:27 PM on October 5, 2006
Grace and class are absolutely the right words. I think it was kind of you to try to let your father know about your son, and the rest is unfortunate happenstance.
posted by puddinghead at 9:06 PM on October 5, 2006
posted by puddinghead at 9:06 PM on October 5, 2006
You shouldn't be made to feel guilty or responsible for your father's actions before your birth, or even for wanting to know where you and your son came from. Certainly not by the person who so easily could've been in your position right now instead of you.
You weren't adopted, and your father may or may not have requested his privacy -- since you've never spoken to him, you don't actually know. He could've been coerced into shutting you out of his life. Despite his wife's feelings on the matter, your father may actually want to know you, and just not think it's possible.
At any rate, you didn't send the card out of any malicious intent, and I have trouble mustering sympathy for people who carefully constructed a family lore in which the truth was unspeakable, at the expense of a (then) little girl.
I'm amazed that you've stayed "in line" all your life, and this is the first time you've attempted to make contact. You're clearly well-adjusted (whatever that means) and respectful. The "grown-ups" have gotten off easy.
Some people tend to quickly discount the feelings and rights of children when they're at odds with their own wishes, but you're not a child anymore. I reject the idea that just because rules of engagement were accepted 40 years ago, they're still applicable today.
Here's to adulthood: it's tricky sometimes.
Best of luck getting this situation to a place you're comfortable with. Screw the rest of them; they're not looking out for your interests now any more than they did 40 years ago.
posted by nadise at 9:32 PM on October 5, 2006
You weren't adopted, and your father may or may not have requested his privacy -- since you've never spoken to him, you don't actually know. He could've been coerced into shutting you out of his life. Despite his wife's feelings on the matter, your father may actually want to know you, and just not think it's possible.
At any rate, you didn't send the card out of any malicious intent, and I have trouble mustering sympathy for people who carefully constructed a family lore in which the truth was unspeakable, at the expense of a (then) little girl.
I'm amazed that you've stayed "in line" all your life, and this is the first time you've attempted to make contact. You're clearly well-adjusted (whatever that means) and respectful. The "grown-ups" have gotten off easy.
Some people tend to quickly discount the feelings and rights of children when they're at odds with their own wishes, but you're not a child anymore. I reject the idea that just because rules of engagement were accepted 40 years ago, they're still applicable today.
Here's to adulthood: it's tricky sometimes.
Best of luck getting this situation to a place you're comfortable with. Screw the rest of them; they're not looking out for your interests now any more than they did 40 years ago.
posted by nadise at 9:32 PM on October 5, 2006
My mom was in a somewhat similar situation, but in this case her birth father (my biological grandfather) was actually married to her mother (my grandmother); her parents divorced when she was an infant for reasons that were never disclosed, and she only saw him or her half-sisters (from her father's subsequent remarriage) a couple of times in her life. The whole thing was kept semi-secret -- I didn't even know that my grandfather (i.e., my grandmother's second husband, who had adopted my mother after he married my grandmother) wasn't biologically related to me until I was around 10 or so.
In any case, my mom has always expressed serious frustration about the situation, particularly on the subject of family medical history, and especially because of my health; I have had several serious health problems -- some acute and some chronic, and which tend to have a genetic component -- and my mom feels a significant amount of anger and anguish that she doesn't know her complete medical history.
Which is all a long-winded way of saying I understand instinctively why you did what you did, and that I don't think you were wrong, and that I agree that you've handled it with grace. You were not the author of this situation, but you are very much the author of your peace of mind and your child's well-being, and it is well in your rights (IMO) to do what you need to secure them.
My best wishes to you and your son.
posted by scody at 10:25 PM on October 5, 2006
In any case, my mom has always expressed serious frustration about the situation, particularly on the subject of family medical history, and especially because of my health; I have had several serious health problems -- some acute and some chronic, and which tend to have a genetic component -- and my mom feels a significant amount of anger and anguish that she doesn't know her complete medical history.
Which is all a long-winded way of saying I understand instinctively why you did what you did, and that I don't think you were wrong, and that I agree that you've handled it with grace. You were not the author of this situation, but you are very much the author of your peace of mind and your child's well-being, and it is well in your rights (IMO) to do what you need to secure them.
My best wishes to you and your son.
posted by scody at 10:25 PM on October 5, 2006
My family is on the other side of a story that's a little like this. My grandfather, who never left my grandmother, ostensibly had a longstanding affair and fathered at least one child. We didn't learn about it until after his (and my grandmother's) death. At one point he'd apparently confessed to one of his daughters-in-law, who told the rest of the family years later that he'd "had another family somewhere."
Apparently there are more details -- my mysterious half-aunt or uncle is an entertainer with some modest renown -- but my aunt is being either admirably discreet or infuriatingly secretive about it, depending on your perspective.
Of course, the situation isn't analogous because my grandfather is dead.
Still, if this helps you figure out the relevant social norms: if we'd been your missing half-family and you'd made an effort to contact us, any member of my parents' generation would at very least have responded courteously and congratulated you on the birth of your son; if some of them felt difficult emotions, I'm confident they wouldn't have taken them out on you. As for me and my cousins, we'd have been delighted to hear from you, and would expect to keep in touch.
I'm sorry your experience was so difficult and disappointing.
posted by tangerine at 10:36 PM on October 5, 2006
Apparently there are more details -- my mysterious half-aunt or uncle is an entertainer with some modest renown -- but my aunt is being either admirably discreet or infuriatingly secretive about it, depending on your perspective.
Of course, the situation isn't analogous because my grandfather is dead.
Still, if this helps you figure out the relevant social norms: if we'd been your missing half-family and you'd made an effort to contact us, any member of my parents' generation would at very least have responded courteously and congratulated you on the birth of your son; if some of them felt difficult emotions, I'm confident they wouldn't have taken them out on you. As for me and my cousins, we'd have been delighted to hear from you, and would expect to keep in touch.
I'm sorry your experience was so difficult and disappointing.
posted by tangerine at 10:36 PM on October 5, 2006
Your father's wife is upset because she opened her husband's mail. That's her fault and her problem. Yea, I know, spouses do that (I open my spouses mail most of the time, but that's snailmail, limited mainly to bills and statements).
Old and frail? Old and still living a lie. Truth heals, not lies.
You're handling this far finer than I probably would. Mind, I'm an adoptee with a highly dysfunctional adopted family, my opinions are very self-centered about such things.
It does occur to me that if K has no kids, you're one-upping her, big tiime. Your dad's wife will be jealous to protect K's position in your dad's eyes. And remember, the people in the wrong are the loudest when crying 'foul'!
posted by Goofyy at 10:53 PM on October 5, 2006
Old and frail? Old and still living a lie. Truth heals, not lies.
You're handling this far finer than I probably would. Mind, I'm an adoptee with a highly dysfunctional adopted family, my opinions are very self-centered about such things.
It does occur to me that if K has no kids, you're one-upping her, big tiime. Your dad's wife will be jealous to protect K's position in your dad's eyes. And remember, the people in the wrong are the loudest when crying 'foul'!
posted by Goofyy at 10:53 PM on October 5, 2006
My mother stopped being part of my life when I was a young child. I found out how to contact her in my late 20's, but I never got up the courage to take that step. When I was 30, I found out that she had died. I really, truly wish I had written her a letter when I had the chance. I'll never be able to ask her all my questions, and she went to her grave not knowing that I still thought of her. Be glad that you reached out--no matter what happens, reaching out will leave you with fewer regrets than making the choice I did. And don't let other people get in the way of you and your father--you are his child, and it is your right to reach out to him, even if it makes his family, or him, uncomfortable.
posted by gokart4xmas at 2:20 AM on October 6, 2006
posted by gokart4xmas at 2:20 AM on October 6, 2006
Also, FWIW, some other details of our stories are similar. My email's in my profile if you would like to talk to someone who has been in a very similar position.
posted by gokart4xmas at 2:25 AM on October 6, 2006
posted by gokart4xmas at 2:25 AM on October 6, 2006
I think that the only reason why your father's wife would be justified in opening his mail would be if he were mentally incapacitated--i.e., stroke, alzheimers--but given that you were told he was travelling, that does not seem to be the case. I agree with scody and mediareport that you do need to know the family's medical history, making it this clear to K if you haven't already.
posted by brujita at 4:06 AM on October 6, 2006
posted by brujita at 4:06 AM on October 6, 2006
Old and frail and easily upset? Don't open personal letters not addressed to you then. Sheesh.
You have nothing, nothing at all to feel bad about. I'd suggest at very least trying to get the medical records and maybe trying to contact your father on your own if you can without them around. They may not even give him the letter. It's up to you and him if you want to have a conversation or a relationship of any type. Good luck with a dificult situation.
posted by Melsky at 5:23 AM on October 6, 2006
You have nothing, nothing at all to feel bad about. I'd suggest at very least trying to get the medical records and maybe trying to contact your father on your own if you can without them around. They may not even give him the letter. It's up to you and him if you want to have a conversation or a relationship of any type. Good luck with a dificult situation.
posted by Melsky at 5:23 AM on October 6, 2006
Everyone you are related to is psycho. Deadly serious. You are better off for not having them, although your natural normal desire to do the right thing is understandable.
I think you should resend the postcard to your father by Restricted Delivery US mail, and then let it go. His tolerance for this 32 years of ridiculousness in the face of his obligation to you puts him in a questionable light.
posted by ewkpates at 6:10 AM on October 6, 2006
I think you should resend the postcard to your father by Restricted Delivery US mail, and then let it go. His tolerance for this 32 years of ridiculousness in the face of his obligation to you puts him in a questionable light.
posted by ewkpates at 6:10 AM on October 6, 2006
erm, no ewk, none of the above sounds psycho at all.
personally, i can identify with the yearning for truth, or at least for having everything out in the open. nonetheless, it's never as simple as tying up loose ends.
just one thing, should you decide to meet him: stuff like this can turn very weird...
posted by progosk at 7:35 AM on October 6, 2006
personally, i can identify with the yearning for truth, or at least for having everything out in the open. nonetheless, it's never as simple as tying up loose ends.
just one thing, should you decide to meet him: stuff like this can turn very weird...
posted by progosk at 7:35 AM on October 6, 2006
I think you did the right thing, and if you upset the reality of your (birth) father's wife then... well, whatever. Isn't it against the law to open mail that is not addressed to you? If that woman has no perspective on things after all these years, that's on her, not you. This is her problem, not yours.
Your father and mother made decisions that affected the people in their lives, and you have been nothing but graceful and respectful about it all.
It's something I've been working on myself. "I cannot control what other people feel." I say that to myself a lot.
posted by frecklefaerie at 7:37 AM on October 6, 2006
Your father and mother made decisions that affected the people in their lives, and you have been nothing but graceful and respectful about it all.
It's something I've been working on myself. "I cannot control what other people feel." I say that to myself a lot.
posted by frecklefaerie at 7:37 AM on October 6, 2006
Secrecy is fundamentally crazy. Denial of reality is fundamentally crazy. Refusing to discuss a subject in an adult manner, again, fundamentally crazy.
I don't know who you hangout with progosk, but honesty, integrity and forthrightness... kind of basic in the world of the sane.
A parent has obligations to a child which are not bound by time.
posted by ewkpates at 8:00 AM on October 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
I don't know who you hangout with progosk, but honesty, integrity and forthrightness... kind of basic in the world of the sane.
A parent has obligations to a child which are not bound by time.
posted by ewkpates at 8:00 AM on October 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
On the one hand, its silly and it seems to me the lying needs to end sometime. Its kind of uncomfortable being someone else’s dirty family secret.
It does seem silly to continue the lie, however, you shouldn't expect it to end. People are people and continuing a lie like this is [unfortunately] very human.
BTW, you never agreed to not contact your father. You aren't bound to the rest of the group's tacit agreements. You shouldn't feel guilty.
Best of luck with your FOO (family of origin) and your little one.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 9:35 AM on October 6, 2006
It does seem silly to continue the lie, however, you shouldn't expect it to end. People are people and continuing a lie like this is [unfortunately] very human.
BTW, you never agreed to not contact your father. You aren't bound to the rest of the group's tacit agreements. You shouldn't feel guilty.
Best of luck with your FOO (family of origin) and your little one.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 9:35 AM on October 6, 2006
Congratulations on the birth of your son! Your story is terribly moving to me because I see you sending the card to your father as one of the first times you were able to put yourself first in your relationship with him. It was satisfying to you to send the card, you did so in an unintrusive, incredibly nice way and I think that's where your part in the story ends - though I think your efforts to clarify things with K. are to be commended. The commenter who said that your father's wife's reaction was up to her was right on, as far as I'm concerned - it's not about being entitled to shake up someone else's life (as some of the later comments read to me), but being able to take joy in your own, yes? Even if you're the person to whom it will mean the most, I think you have done the right thing all around here.
posted by deliriouscool at 1:24 PM on October 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by deliriouscool at 1:24 PM on October 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
To all the people suggesting restricted delivery: Restricted delivery would likely not prevent her from opening the letter.
From the USPS site: Restricted Delivery ensures that your mail is only delivered to the person you specify, or to the person authorized in writing to sign for intended recipient.
Anonymous's father's wife is undoubtably authorized. It is not uncommon, particularly in marriages of over 50 years, for one person to open all the mail without anyone feeling like their privacy has been violated. Trying to logistically prevent her from opening a letter will upset and scare her even more, and make anonymous seem even more malevolent. Hopefully K can be persuaded to help.
posted by desuetude at 11:26 AM on October 10, 2006
From the USPS site: Restricted Delivery ensures that your mail is only delivered to the person you specify, or to the person authorized in writing to sign for intended recipient.
Anonymous's father's wife is undoubtably authorized. It is not uncommon, particularly in marriages of over 50 years, for one person to open all the mail without anyone feeling like their privacy has been violated. Trying to logistically prevent her from opening a letter will upset and scare her even more, and make anonymous seem even more malevolent. Hopefully K can be persuaded to help.
posted by desuetude at 11:26 AM on October 10, 2006
I wonder how secret it all really was. Poster here was very discreet in that she didn't address it to Dad, or sign it, your daughter. Wife must have known about the baby. It was not news.
So, yes, I agree with everyone - I think you've been very wise in how you've handled this, you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for. If they choose to run their family on lies and skeletons in the closet, that's their issue.
I hope that you will get the information that would give you what you need, but I suspect that you will not.
posted by b33j at 4:02 PM on October 11, 2006
So, yes, I agree with everyone - I think you've been very wise in how you've handled this, you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for. If they choose to run their family on lies and skeletons in the closet, that's their issue.
I hope that you will get the information that would give you what you need, but I suspect that you will not.
posted by b33j at 4:02 PM on October 11, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
How did K know that she had a half-sister?
posted by desuetude at 7:57 PM on October 5, 2006