He's looking for a cuddle buddy

October 5, 2006 2:15 PM

Kind of a basic, dumb question-Was he dropping a hint, or was it just a topic of conversation?

I met with a friend of mine (not really good friends, more acquaintances) to help him study for a test (we're both in college). When I met up with him, he asked if it was ok if we went to the bookstore, because he had lost his textbook. So we went, and then he called his roommate (whom I had never met before) and we all went for coffee.

We're talking, and the topic comes up of the roommates new girlfriend. My friend then starts talking about how he wants a girlfriend, and how having just a cuddle buddy would be nice.

I am asking the hive mind because I don't pick up on hints, and I don't want to take something for more than it is. Seeing as he brought it up in front of his roommate, would that make it more of just a conversation topic, or should it be construed as a hint? If it's just conversation-great. If it's a hint, I was going to ask him if he wanted to get together and watch a DVD or something...you know, just kind of indicate interest without being overbearing or whatever.

I wouldn't mind hanging out with him anyway, but I don't want to make things weird since the majority of our association at this time is my helping him with a class. A couple things which may or may not be helpful:

- when I mentioned that I was going to get together (just hang out) with a mutual friend of ours (someone that I am closer with than him), it seemed like he acted a little jealous. We actually ran in to this mutual friend, and again, i thought i saw a hint of the green-eyed monster (he knows that i'm close with this guy, but I think that he is unsure of the nature of our relationship-strictly platonic, he has a gf-but he is uber-hot!)

-when we were out for coffee, I mentioned that I thought that he had a thing for this other girl that we both know (again acquaintance-like). He seemed surprised and said that he was going to be more aware of how he acted, because he wasn't interested in her.

Just want people's opinions. I like him, and wouldn't mind a relationship of some sort, including cuddle bud, with him. I don't want to make assumptions and act, because I don't want to embarrass either of us, and don't want things to be awkward. But I don't want to miss an opportunity because I am so obtuse about these sort of things. Thanks in advance for any input!

posted by bolognius maximus to human relations (37 comments total)

Looks like you've pretty much answered this yourself. The signs are there....why not give it a shot?
posted by c:\awesome at 2:19 PM on October 5, 2006

Don't miss the opportunity. On balance, from what you say, my instinct is he's interested in you.
posted by londongeezer at 2:19 PM on October 5, 2006

Do not analyze every single thing he says; you will drive yourself crazy. Do you like him? Yes? Then go for it. If he turns you down, oh well, you'll live.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:20 PM on October 5, 2006 [1 favorite]

It's unlikely he'd bring up wanting a girlfriend if he weren't at least a bit interested. Added to the jealousy thing, I'd say he definitely wants to be your "cuddle buddy". See if he wants to get together.
posted by null terminated at 2:21 PM on October 5, 2006

Yeah, he's into you. (obviously.)
posted by mragreeable at 2:24 PM on October 5, 2006

I see this differently than the people above. If he was into you, and he was interested, he wouldn't suddenly invite his roommate along.
posted by drezdn at 2:25 PM on October 5, 2006

If you don't want to be embarassed or in an awkward position, give up on relationships.

I could analyze this a hundred different ways and come up with twice as many answers. None of that matters, the only thing that does is that he's looking, you're interested, and he seems open to the idea. Go for it and don't look back.
posted by Saydur at 2:27 PM on October 5, 2006 [1 favorite]

If you'd like to get into this without being too direct, try asking him what he's looking for in a "cuddle buddy" — is someone's touch all he's after, or might this be a start to something else?

After all, between spooning and, uh, "forking" there are a number of stages. Just because the common spork is a throwaway bit of plastic crap, one can imagine Tiffany packaging a sterling version that might be very popular.
posted by rob511 at 2:29 PM on October 5, 2006

Most guys would take it really well if the girl took the initiative. One word of advice though, we (ok me) are sometimes really dense especially about "hints." So go for it! But be direct!
posted by stratastar at 2:32 PM on October 5, 2006

What ThePinkSuperhero said, a dozen times over.
posted by ambrosia at 2:34 PM on October 5, 2006

To drezdn's comment - it might be different for guys, but I have been known to bring a girlfriend along when I'm trying to figure out if a guy is interested in me or not - I bring the friend to see if they can pick up on body language and comments in a (psuedo) more objective way. So that's one theoretical explanation for the friend.

Otherwise, it's hard to say without body langauge cues and such, but I'll echo the other advice that says go for it and ask him about it - especially if you are interested also. Good luck!
posted by Cyrie at 2:35 PM on October 5, 2006

Agreed, go for it.

At the worst, you hang out and there's maybe a touch of awkwardness at some point.

At best, you fall madly in love and have a tree and a white picket fence and a dog and a hammock.

Big payoff, low risk. Do it.
posted by craven_morhead at 2:36 PM on October 5, 2006 [1 favorite]

Yeah, he wants you.

"I wouldn't mind hanging out with him anyway, but I don't want to make things weird since the majority of our association at this time is my helping him with a class. "

But his motives may not be clear to him if you're tutoring him.
posted by orthogonality at 2:39 PM on October 5, 2006

If you're looking for a boyfriend, he's interested in a girlfriend, so don't start out offering to be a "cuddle buddy" (WTF is with you kids these days?) because it feels less threatening. Arrange a date of some sort with him where you will be alone at some point, get a little touchy and you should know instantly whether he's into you (I cannot IMAGINE a man saying something like that if he wasn't, tho). If he doesn't respond in kind (he will) you can still pull out with minimal mortification.
posted by nanojath at 2:41 PM on October 5, 2006

I find it bizarre that he invited his roommate along. I cannot fathom a guy calling a 3rd party over in that situation unless it is platonic. If he actually is interested, the other danger is that he is one of those infuriatingly annoying guys who can't do anything without a member of his posse around.

Set up another non-tutoring meeting, and see what happens. Since you are just mildly interested, just sit back and see how it goes. Worst case scenario is you will become better friends!
posted by gatorae at 2:50 PM on October 5, 2006

Cuddle buddy? Just ask him if he wants to go see movie X? He says yes, you say great, how bout dinner first? Its on.
posted by maxpower at 3:03 PM on October 5, 2006

I too think it's odd that he would call his roommate if he's interested. On the other hand, you're in college, a milieu in which expressing your interest in people directly is probably easier to get away with (and if it fails, to get over) than any other. Do something obvious, (not obvious-obvious, but girl-obvious, like briefly touching his arm or his chest while you're talking to him) and see how he reacts. If you're still not sure, do it again, but make it last longer. If he's into it, you'll know. If he's not into it, just say 'sorry' and then act like it never happened. Then go study in the library and flirt with a few of the thousands of other guys you have available to you.
posted by bingo at 3:17 PM on October 5, 2006

I recommend "High Fidelity", an excellent stay-in date movie that really goes somewhere (it got somewhere ... like home plate!)
posted by parmanparman at 3:32 PM on October 5, 2006

I look at it this way: since you're not close friends now, what have you really got to lose? If he thinks it weird (although he probably would still be very flattered) and didn't want to hang out\study anymore, you're not losing a best friend or anything. If you want a bf, you might want to be careful that he doesn't only want a cuddle buddy though.

As a relatively shy guy who's been in this situation before, I say go for it!
posted by bda1972 at 3:48 PM on October 5, 2006

Inviting the roommate along actually makes sense to a certain kind of insecure guy (like me, or at least the college me from oh so long ago). Inviting the roommate is actually cover: he's definitely interested in you, but not sure if you're interested in him, and doesn't want to freak you out just in case his worst fears are true. So it's somehow safer for him to open up to you in front of another person. Totally weird, no? That's boys.
posted by hovercraft at 3:56 PM on October 5, 2006

Bringing along the roomate is a perfectly valid think to do. Down with the nay sayers!

If he is only lightly interested in you, but curious, going as a pair runs the risk of turning boring, once he discovers you two do not actually have any subject of conversation beyong tutoring. Worse, you two might actually have shared subject of discussions, but you'll get stuck on talking about tutoring and miss them. Bringing in a 3rd party makes sures the discussion will shake itself out of a rut.

I also think the best way for a girl to get to know me is to see how I interact with my friends. It's much truer that my self-concious self, my "gosh what a cute girl, must impress her!"-self. So, I'm more likely to invite a girl I like to a party, than one a one-one date.
posted by gmarceau at 4:07 PM on October 5, 2006

"Cuddle buddy" has to be the most obnoxious neologism I've heard in a long, long time.

...also I think he likes you.
posted by myeviltwin at 4:30 PM on October 5, 2006

You had no "understanding" with this guy, but he acted jealous when you simply talked about hanging out with another man? Run, girl, run!
posted by Idcoytco at 4:49 PM on October 5, 2006

Thanks for all the responses! Idcoytco, it wasn't possessive jealousy, more like the "what's up w/ you two?" sort of thing. But I know what you mean, because I don't play that game. Rob511, I laughed my ass off. If anyone else has input, I welcome it.

I think I'll take the majority's opinion and I'll invite him to do something (movie, whatever). I'll post and let everyone know if it was a success or failure.
posted by bolognius maximus at 6:07 PM on October 5, 2006

Also for the record no guy is interested in just cuddling with a girl. It maybe start out that way but I garauntee that if you start getting into bed with him at some point he will try to make out with out with you.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:35 PM on October 5, 2006

the answer is, was, ever shall be: a bunch of random folks on the internet are not going to be able to explain an unknown psyche to you based on a few observations. he might obsess over you, admire you, or have a crush on you. he might be up for action with you but not really feel anything special. he might totally not think of you 'that way'. To me, talking about wanting a relationship in front of someone you'd want to have it with would be weird (you talk about your desires and unfulfilled needs with platonic friends IME), but everyone's different...

But in college, why are you even worrying about it? be a little extra friendly and see if it goes anywhere, if that's what you want.
posted by mdn at 7:09 PM on October 5, 2006

FWIW - I think he is interested.. but not hugely. I think it will be up to you to pursue something should you want something to happen.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 7:20 PM on October 5, 2006

Hey Bolognious, is this related to this thread? What ever happened with that guy.
posted by spork at 7:27 PM on October 5, 2006

He doesn't want a cuddle buddy. He wants a girlfriend. He even said as much. Don't suggest being a cuddle buddy, it would be a demeaning and disempowering start to a relationship.

Sounds like he's probably interested enough that, if you're interested as well, you really have to give it a go.
posted by The Monkey at 7:33 PM on October 5, 2006

Guy I Was Friends With: I have some classes at the medical campus this semester. I wish I had a car...or a girlfriend.
Me: I have my car at school this year. Why do you need a girlfriend?
GIWFW: So she can drive me to those classes. And do my laundry. Plus it would be nice to have a girlfriend.
Me (joking): Is that all you're looking for?? I can do all that - I'll be your girlfriend.

That was around six years ago. We dated off and on for about a year at first and have been together exclusively for almost five now. Go for it. What will be will be.
posted by ml98tu at 9:15 PM on October 5, 2006

Spork-the two threads are not related. I'm still working on him, but I am of the mind that you can't pass up other opportunities. If anything comes about with him (for anybody), it is going to take a long-ass time. But we still hang out and it's all good.
posted by bolognius maximus at 9:18 PM on October 5, 2006

Oh, and spork — if you're still reading this thread, forgive the casual slander! Stick a ________ in me; I'm done.
posted by rob511 at 9:39 PM on October 5, 2006

hovercraft has it. The roommate is almost certainly an out. And even if it's not, cripes. You wouldn't be the first college student to misjudge the intentions of the opposite sex (or same sex, of course), and you definitely won't be the last.

Also, to mdn's point of it being weird talking about wanting a relationship in front of the person you want the relationship with: I've done it. Plenty of times. It's not necessarily healthy, but that's beside the point.

I think this is one of those situations where you're not only allowed to, but encouraged to think with your heart first and your head later. So, uh, just do it already.
posted by chrominance at 10:48 PM on October 5, 2006

I think that he's interested in you, and was using his roommate as a sort of "wingman." If mentioning that he wanted a girlfriend was just a casual conversation topic, why wouldn't he have said it to his roommate some other time, like at home?
In my experience, guys don't just say something to say it. They usually have meaning behind it, especially about stuff like that. I really doubt that he hasn't mentioned it to his roomie before and I suspect they had some little thing worked out to bring it up in front of you. He was being classically passive-aggressive, and leaving it up to you to make the move, which is oh-so-fun!
That said, go for it!! Make the move, and if it winds up awkwardly, oh well. It really won't be a big deal to get over it, and it won't even be hard to move past it when hanging out with your mutual friends. I promise!
posted by slyboots421 at 1:31 PM on October 6, 2006

Sure Fire way to solve the situation. Make him a mix tape, include one very vague song that hints that you might be interested in him. The rest should just be good music with no romantic content. Mix tapes are truly the blank slate onto which all project their emotions.
posted by drezdn at 2:06 PM on October 6, 2006

I'm gonna have to go ahead a disagree with almost everyone.

No guy I know would be caught dead using the term 'cuddle buddy'. Especially in the company of a girl he likes.

Go for it if you like him because the world would be a better place if everyone just said what they wanted.

But this guy seems to have some issues.
posted by cornflake at 10:42 PM on October 6, 2006

No guy I know would be caught dead using the term 'cuddle buddy'. Especially in the company of a girl he likes.

I never thought that angle, but I agree. The term 'cuddle buddy' would never leave these lips (or any straight guy I know). Actually, I don't know many women that would use that term either. But, hey, I'm not a young college kid (and none of my friends are under 30) so who am I to say.
posted by bda1972 at 1:53 PM on October 8, 2006