I am a fool in love

September 27, 2006 6:47 PM

so, the man I am in love with (secretly) for several months is in love with another woman.

He and I work at the same place, she is the new bright star in the group. He might have been attracted to me in the past, I am not even sure of that anymore. How can I survive, not lose face in front of everyone, manage to be fair to her and please please how can I get over it? I am panicking...

posted by chimera to human relations (19 comments total)

If your love is truly secret, then no worries of losing face. If colleagues are aware of your unrequited love, then just try to keep your dignity and wits about you. No needs for explanations or discussions of a brewing romance or attraction.

Although it may be tempting, don't go out of your way to investigate his feelings, eavesdrop, or spy. Continue being kind and professional to your love and the new star. Who knows, the star may dim and your love may long for the sweetness of chimera. Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 7:05 PM on September 27, 2006

Are you positive this is the case? Or is this just a case of the secret admirer (i.e., you) having paranoia?

I've found that, when I've been in similar situations and thought, like you, that my crush was attracted to me in the past, more often his fancy for the "new girl" was really just a figment of my paranoia, so to speak.
posted by orangeshoe at 7:15 PM on September 27, 2006

In other words, my crush's fancy for me was often not a figment of my imagination. Perhaps you should wait it out before having a panic attack. (I know, easier said than done - I've been there.)
posted by orangeshoe at 7:16 PM on September 27, 2006

how can I get over it

You don't really know this guy. You think you do, but because your "love" is secret and one-sided, inevitably it largely comprises fixation on an idealised, probably quite unrealistic image of him. For all you know, he farts in bed, scratches his nuts and doesn't wash his hands, has a nasty porno habit, and is cruel to his widowed old mother.

Keep telling yourself that.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:18 PM on September 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm going to chime in here, as a blunt man who is still waiting for an answer to his computer question a few above yours.

Personally, if I was in love with someone, and I knew it, it would take very extraordinary circumstances for me to keep this a secret. And by that I mean: they are happily married, they are engaged to my best friend, they kill someone and go to prison. Otherwise, looking at it from a risk-reward standpoint, it's a no-brainer. Even if I worked with them.....noooo brainer.

Now, I'm talking about luuuuuuv, not a crush. If it's just that, and you have evidence (your imagination doesn't count as evidence) that he is serious about this other girl, then go with i_am_joe_spleen's advice.

Otherwise, quit putting off the chance for something potentially good to avoid some short-term embarassment.
posted by Idiot Mittens at 7:28 PM on September 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

How can I survive, not lose face in front of everyone, manage to be fair to her and please please how can I get over it?

You're going to get lots of different kinds of advice here on this one. Some of it will be "just talk to him," some of it will be "just move on," and some of it will touchy-feely empathy stuff that emphasizes getting in touch with your chakras and shit.

That all might work. You should listen.

But when you're asking hyper-dramatic, narcissistic questions like how do I survive (survive? is someone, like, shooting at you?), how do I not lose face, how do I manage to be fair ... my advice is ... consider your maturity level here. In other words, grow up.
posted by frogan at 8:34 PM on September 27, 2006 [3 favorites]

Hello, I'm a man on the other side of this kind of relationship.

My secret admirer told everyone she loved me - except me, acted completely irrationally (including constantly keeping silence around me, taking everything I said personally, when we had no personal relationship), and was often rude/snippy to me (no doubt due to internal conflict).

She also made derisive comments about my (platonic) female friends all over these internets and generally caused a lot of weirdness in my life before I figured out what was "wrong" with her.

The funny thing is that she's gorgeous and smart, otherwise. Really. I'd have dated her if she hadn't gone batshit insane and scared the hell out of me.
posted by fake at 8:45 PM on September 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

And since nobody has said it already, don't get involved with co-workers.
posted by peeedro at 9:03 PM on September 27, 2006

I came from a situation like that, except I was the new guy in the relationship. I think the key is to remember that other human beings have the right to make their own choices in relationships, and that they have every right not to choose you. So yeah... get over it.
posted by Citizen Premier at 10:14 PM on September 27, 2006

I really like Idiot Mittens advice, it's very romantic. But you have to do what is best for your particular situation. If it is just a crush, move on, and focus your attention elsewhere.

He might have been attracted to me in the past, I am not even sure of that anymore
How is behaving toward the new woman? Has he expressed or implied interest? Did he behave in the same manner when you believed he was attracted to you? Most of the time you can tell if someone is interested. Your crush/love for him may be blurring reality.
posted by LoriFLA at 10:32 PM on September 27, 2006

I've been in this sort of situation, and I sympathise. It's difficult to tell it to yourself, but what others have said about putting your object of affection holds true - you may well be in love with a representation of him that you've invented. So trying to add to that image with the bad things about him is a good tactic. Plus I would say, hard as it may be, you might want to avoid socialising with the group at work and go out with other people, or put your energy into groups of friends outside work. Avoid lots of contact with him and you won't put yourself in a torturous "look but can't touch" position. If you're looking for a long-term partner then consider means of meeting other men - eg hobbies, volunteering locally, personal ads, speed dating, whatever suits you - since the quickest way to move on is probably to meet someone else you like. I found that I didn't magically move on through time; I kept moping until I got my act together and actually went out and met other people. Not that I got together with them, but realising that there was not just one person for me and that there were lots of cool people out there was pretty decisive in helping me get over her.
posted by greycap at 11:10 PM on September 27, 2006

And since nobody has said it already, don't get involved with co-workers.

I really don't think it's that uncommon for people who have stable, loving relationships to have met at work. Obviously if one of the parties is a direct supervisor of the other, the potential of things working out very badly is much higher.

I met my daughter's father at work, and we were peers doing the same job. Okay, we're not together anymore, but I wouldn't have my fabulous, amazing daughter if I had followed your advice here.

That said, it was a bit awkward when I was promoted before he was, that's for sure. We were in the same group for a brief while (shared a supervisor, had our cubes caddy-corner to each other, while nobody knew we were dating), but that was not for long.

It sure made it handy, though, when he got his third DUI and couldn't drive. I didn't have to go out of my way to drive him to work! :D (Ok, sorry, sorry, I just thought it was funny and yes, it's true).
posted by beth at 1:16 AM on September 28, 2006

peeedro writes "And since nobody has said it already, don't get involved with co-workers."

Bah. My fiance and I met at work. There are so many factors that can be involved in a working environment that this is not always a hard and fast rule.
posted by chiababe at 1:57 AM on September 28, 2006

You need a date with someone else. Someone you don't work with and no one knows. Or perhaps form an unhealthy crush on the UPS guy or something.

You sound completely out of it, and are probably already making a fool of yourself. (Maybe this is why he's not attracted to you any more?(/random guess)) Frogan is right on track, you sound like you've replaced your brain with Fruitloops. You need to get a grip, forget about this guy and that woman and live your life in some way that's less dramatic and more healthy.

I've been on the receiving end of unrequited, secret crushes and it always always makes things awkward. No way to hide it.

One possibility is to quiz the guy on [subject close to your heart]. I have a friend (full time animal lover) who had a huge crush on a man until she found out he's an avid hunter. You're sure to find some reason somewhere to hate the guy. Or maybe he'll be perfect and you'll have to kidnap him and keep him chained up in your basement so no one else can take him from you.
posted by Ookseer at 2:02 AM on September 28, 2006

I've been in loads and loads of crushes, and I figured out how they tend to become accelerated the fastest -- ideas of, "oh, what if she does this or, hey, I wonder if she is interested in that" and whatever topic it is becoming "yes she is interested in that" in the temporary mindset until proven otherwise, and she then automatically matches scores upon scores of similar things I like without even verifying it yet. Is it possible you have inadvertently invented quite a number of these and have been besmitten by what you hope to prove him to be?
posted by vanoakenfold at 3:29 AM on September 28, 2006

Thank you all for all your comments and advice.

I too dislike office romantic relationships and this is the reason I have not courted this guy. I am sure if he were interested, he would have picked up the signs. I also think I did notice a difference in his attidute towards the new person. He is very attracted to her.

I am very discreet about this subject both online and offline since I do not want to risk an embarassment. You are the only ones I have confided as much! And I am fairly clear headed to realise that he has every right to choose what /who he wants. I care about him a lot and I think I will care for him always even if he goes another way.

I tried to think of him in uncomely situations, but I find that I would have given anything to be able to see him in such situations.... It is not true I do not know him. I have been observing him quietly (we are co-workers for 3 years) and although I am not familiar with everything, I am pretty sure this is not just a crush. So please do not call it that. This is the only objection I have to what some of you wrote.

My biggest problem is that I have lost interest in everyday life because of this. My energy levels have dropped and I am not excited about work, friends, going out etc. This is what I need to battle right now... Ooops, another dramatic expression!
posted by chimera at 5:22 AM on September 28, 2006

It's similar to a break up, to me, just secret - does that make sense? Nothing will cure it except time. I promise that even though I know your heart is breaking you will be okay - you just have to move through an unpleasant process to get to okay.
posted by KAS at 7:00 AM on September 28, 2006

I am sure if he were interested, he would have picked up the signs.

rofl.

Seriously, when it comes to emotional stuff like love and anger, most guys are totally dense. Example submitted for evidence: read what fake said. There was a woman he knew who was acting strange around him and he knew she was acting weird but he couldn't figure out why. She porbably thought he knew what was up and was just ignoring her because, well, everyone else knew how could he not know? But he didn't. That's very common.

Subtlety is usualy completely lost on men. They don't pick up clues. If you're mad at them and give them the silent treatment as punishment hoping they'll ask what's wrong, they'll just think you're letting them watch TV in peace. If you try and tell them what gift you want for your birthday by leaving magazines open, or saying how Jane's version looks so great on her, they'll just think you're being messy and you're complimenting Jane.

Guys don't drop hints at each other. It's not something they're tuned into, generally not a habit and skill they've picked up. If a guy is mad at another guy, he'll either yell at him, or punch him. They rarely beat around the bush.

I don't mean to say that no man ever has picked up on a woman's cues, but over and over again my experience & that of my friends has been that it's better to just be direct with men. If you want them to know what you're thinking or feeling it's only fair to tell them. If you're mad, say you're mad because of X. If you want a particular thing for your birthday, ask for it. Often a guy is happy to do or give you want you want, but until you ask you're pretty much expecting him to be psychic, and he's not psychic!
posted by raedyn at 7:46 AM on September 28, 2006

Please listen to raedyn. Don't count on us guys to pick up signs. Our antennas just aren't hardwired to our brains do that. For all you know, he may have a secret crush on you too but has since moved on to the new girl because he didn't "pick up the signs" from you. Don't be subtle - ask him out to coffee or something. And don't bring up the other girl. If you ask him about her, he'll think you're not interested in him and are suggesting that she's a nice catch.
posted by junesix at 12:23 PM on September 28, 2006