Should an impotent man stay single or settle?

September 23, 2006 7:34 AM

I am in my first serious relationship in my 30s, and am no catch - overweight, balding, and impotent (what a winning combination). My girlfriend is also my best friend, she is a virgin and the lack of sex she can live with (perhaps it's true that you don't miss what you never had). However I'm not sure if we should be boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. I enjoy the companship and the cuddles but miss the independance of being single, and don't really feel any physical attraction for her and never have. I am wondering if I am "settling" which I always read that I should never do, however I am really not much of a catch for the reasons above (although I am kind, caring, and a good friend) so perhaps this is as good as it gets? Without going into personal details, can anyone relate or advise? We have been going out for three years now and she speaks hopefully of the future and of moving in with me, but much as my life would be simpler if I was able to love her the way she wants what I feel is more like strong caring, friendship and deep companionship. Since I have so little relationship experience, should I stay single or try to find a way to create some romantic feelings for me?
posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

People can find love and satisfaction in the strangest ways ... but setting aside the impotence and your self-image issues, it does still sound like a damaged relationship.

For the most enduring relationships, you've got to think the sun shines out of the other person, even if it's only in the beginning. If you don't think you're attracted to her, or that you're settling, then you're not going to value or treat her as she deserves.

That said, how overweight? Weight problems can be a major factor in sexuality, and could be depressing your libido.

As for the "this is as good as it gets", that's commonly found in people who've just been dumped and think they'll never find anyone else. It's not true. You pulled once, you can do it again. You get better at these things.
posted by bonaldi at 7:43 AM on September 23, 2006

don't really feel any physical attraction for her and never have.
+
what I feel is more like strong caring, friendship and deep companionship.
= we should be boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends.

But good friends.

Stay good friends and even share a place with her if you can do it like buddies share places, but don't let that stop you from looking for romance elsewhere if that's what you want. Just make sure your friend knows that you two moving in together, if that's what you decide to do, does not mean you're a couple, it means you're best friends, and best friends don't stand in the way of potential (or even impotential, for now) romance with others.

As for romance: balding means nothing these days, but you'd better lose some of that weight (for health and sex and romance reasons) and, more importantly, see a doctor about your impotence if you plan on finding anything resembling romance. Take care of those two things and you'll increase your odds of finding and keeping a romantic partner about, oh, say, a gazzillonfold, because fat and impotent = close to zero chance. Mind you, it doesn't mean actual zero -- your friend seems interested in you that way -- but the odds of you finding someone else like that, and someone you're interested in romantically, are really, really small. Lose the weight and fix the impotence (if you can) or be practical and forget about romance.
posted by pracowity at 8:29 AM on September 23, 2006

"what I feel is more like strong caring, friendship and deep companionship"

ummm... that's a damn good relationship. So many people think that a relationship is all about what they see on TV or in the movies - that you must be beautiful, in perfect shape, and have a dynamo sex life.

I think what you have going on sounds pretty nice. Some of the issues you mention, i.e. weight and sex, are things that can be addressed and resolved. I've found that a lack of romantic feelings can be attributible to your own self image - kind of a reflection on to others about how you feel about yourself inside.

I also think that maybe, just maybe - you need to give yourself a chance.
posted by matty at 8:34 AM on September 23, 2006

It seems like you'd be happier being single with a great friend than being coupled with her. Regardless of whether or not you will ever have another relationship, you should choose what will make you happiest.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:34 AM on September 23, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I've seen people in all sorts of comfort-relationships. They are usually sad sacks who slouched into each other and didn't have enough momentum to keep moving.

Whose to say that their are wrong in their boring, but mostly stable lives?

Here's the thing to keep in mind though: dating takes energy. It takes a commitment of time and money to put yourself on the market and find a mate. Shirts must be ironed, ear hair trimmed, flab reduced.

If you don't ever see yourself working at finding another person then maybe you should stick to what you've got.

That said there doesn't seem to be any problem you listed above which can't be fixed. Bald heads are fine for many women who are grown up enough to accept the fact that most men do thin or go bald. Weight can be lost and modern medicine and a healthy lifestyle can do wonders for your willy.

It doesn't sound like you have any deep feelings (love) for this woman - even after three years! You can still be friends with her and enjoy many of the benefits - but I wouldn't let the relationship slide into some sort of living situation where you're not happy.
posted by wfrgms at 8:38 AM on September 23, 2006

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." But choosing it?
posted by holgate at 8:58 AM on September 23, 2006

What do you want out of life? Do you see yourself buying a house and raising a family? Perhaps you see yourself wandering in the jungle seeking the cure for cancer. Regardless, do you see her in your long-term future? Is she the mother of your children, your co-wanderer in the jungle? If not, then it's over. If you don't know what you want out of life, then go figure that out first. The relationship thing will sort itself out. Don't let your own life pass you by in pursuit of comfort.

After 3 years I would think that you would have a good idea one way or the other whether or not you could live your life without this woman in it. How would you feel if you never saw her or talked to her again? How would you feel if she didn't mother your children or hold your hand while you violently expelled intestinal parasites in sub-Saharan Africa?

Remember, "just friends" may not be an option at this point. After 3 years in a romantic relationship, she may tell you to take a hike if you dump her. Also, the "independence of being single" gets old fast. So think carefully before you do something rash, but do think. Obviously you are dissatisfied at some level with the way you are living your life, so do make some changes.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:19 AM on September 23, 2006 [3 favorites has favorites]

You obviously have great qualities about you, or else you wouldn't be in this fortunate dilemma. Maybe your qualities aren't at the surface and readily seen by the world, but rather they are like gemstones that must be mined out and polished before their immense value is recognised. She has obviously discovered these great attributes about you. Maybe you, with a little more digging, will discover hers.

I'd like to mention one more thing. Anytime you feel fear, that should set off a red flag in your mind. Fear is not a good reason. Fear is not constructive. Fear will prevent you from moving in positive new directions.

If you're not going to allow the relationship to progress, that's fine, but don't let fear be the reason.
posted by dropkick at 9:30 AM on September 23, 2006

As for the "this is as good as it gets", that's commonly found in people who've just been dumped and think they'll never find anyone else. It's not true. You pulled once, you can do it again. You get better at these things.

Isn't it pretty to think so.

The people who will tell you this, like the people who tell you "never settle," think they're being helpful and "building up your confidence," but that and a buck'll get you a cup of coffee.¹ These are generally not people who've ever had to choose between "settling" and spending years alone. Make your own decisions.

1. Clichés not adjusted for inflation.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 9:35 AM on September 23, 2006

I think that love and companionship are the most important parts of a relationship. If you have these and have a common goals, you'll have a healthy and lasting realtionship.

By love, I don't mean physical lust, but a strong desire to be near and to care for another person. Sounds to me that you are in a better relationship than many people I know.
posted by dantodd at 10:06 AM on September 23, 2006

It seems like you'd be happier being single with a great friend than being coupled with her. Regardless of whether or not you will ever have another relationship, you should choose what will make you happiest.

I like this advice. I ended a serious relationship (marriage) four years ago which shared some qualities with the situation you describe. I have not had a serious relationship since. I have been happier single, and have done exactly what I wanted -- moved back to the city, started some cool cases at work, hosted parties, took in two foster kids. "Spending years alone" is not how I'd describe these last four years!

But some people tend to be happier coupled than single, which means their decision will often come out the other way.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:14 AM on September 23, 2006

I've known a couple of guys who had their first relationships in their late 20s or 30s, and impotence is pretty normal early on -- sometimes for a year or more -- until they get used to having sex regularly and until they become technically more skilled. The best fix, in the short term: viagra, or one of its cousins. Think of it as "faking it until you make it." You might be surprised.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:26 AM on September 23, 2006

and don't really feel any physical attraction for her and never have

Does she know this? Are you sure she can "live with" the lack of physical intimacy, or are you rationalizing? I worry that you are leading her on.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 10:28 AM on September 23, 2006

If I were your girlfriend I'd want to know all this and knowing this I'd probably prefer we went our separate ways. This relationship is really unfair to both of you. Your wasting your time staying together when you both could be out improving yourselves and looking for someone you don't feel you're "settling" for.

It's true that caring, friendship and companionship are indispensible to a good relationship but there also needs to be a certain je ne sais quoi. My boyfriend and I have been together a little longer than you two have. Most days for us are not a passionate lust-fest. I think it's ridiculous to expect that after 3+ years but then again, some days are a passionate lust-fest. And every night when he comes home from work my heart does a little leap for joy to see him again.

If you never feel like that I think it's safe to say you're settling. And what's so bad about being single? I was very happy while I was single. (Dating sucks but that's only a small part of the whole enchilada.) It's better to be alone and happy than to be with someone out of desperation.
posted by Jess the Mess at 11:34 AM on September 23, 2006

I'm not a psychologist, but it does sound to me like you are dealing with some depression. I had similar feelings about myself for many years, and working with a therapist made a real difference.

That said, I don't think this is a question that anyone can answer for you. If you want to, you could work with her to build that deep friendship into a loving, romantic relationship. It will take a lot of work, but creating that kind of connection with somebody could work wonders on your confidence (and thus your impotence.)

Or you could choose to move on from this woman and try to find sombody that you believe you will be truly happy with. This will also take a lot of work-- you'll need to be more social than you're probably used to, and get comfortable with some level of risk and rejection. Losing weight will help, but increasing your confidence is more important than looks.

Whichever way you go there will be doubts. From the outside either way could work out fine, and in fact both have for other people in other situations. Only you can decide which might work best for you.
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:00 PM on September 23, 2006

As nobody's addressed this question ... why does it mean that you can't have sex, just because the male in the couple is impotent? That seems like something of an elephant in the room.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 2:28 PM on September 23, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wow, I guess this just goes to show how much "Relationships" are Idealized by our culture. You care deeply for someone, she reciprocates. You're in a relationship of some sort.

So what does this "Girlfriend/Boyfriend" thing start in? What's the line? You said yourself "she is a virgin and the lack of sex she can live with", which implies to me that you're physically impotent, not sterile. So Sex is out of the question... So Physical Attraction is something that will only end up frustrating you.

I've known quite a few people who've been in emotional, but non-physical relationships. Some are rape victims, some are religious, some are neurotic, but they all have their reasons, and they all are happy with any relationship that can meet their needs.



So what more do you want from your relationship? You think you may be "Settling", but the only thing you say is missing is the physical attraction. (ok, you mention romance, but romance = doing something special for the sake of making someone you care about happy... I'd imagine that if you asked her if you were romantic, she'd say yes)

You do mention the whole "Independance of being single" thing, which is something that most men struggle with (also known as "commitment"). You'll have to deal with it sooner or later, so figure out exactly what you want in a relationship, what freedoms you want, and what you are willing to commit to.


I'd say that you really need to do a bit more logical thinking on this, write out what you're feeling, read it over in a couple of days. It very well could be that you think you're settling, but that in reality it's way more of a relationship than you'll ever actually have with anyone else.




AmbroseChapel: Impotence has dual meaning, A) Sterile, B) Physically incapable like Erectile Dysfunction or some other physical reason. You can have either one independantly, or both. He says that she wouldn't be bothered by the lack of sex, so he insinuates that there is something physically wrong.

I'm assuming that when he refers to "Sex", he's talking about the physical union between two people. While either one of them may be brought to orgasm by the other, They will have to deal with the psychological baggage that comes from one-sided pleasure (he may not experience sexual pleasure at all), or being forced to stimulate each other by alternate means. People with emotional/physical disabilities tend to build up a lot of emotions surrounding their disability, so it's not something that can be solved with "Oral Sex is great, get used to it!" or "Just try a Strap-On, she'll love it!".
posted by hatsix at 3:04 PM on September 23, 2006

i'm a firm believer that anyone (including you) can achieve whatever it is they want to achieve. you don't need to settle if you don't want to settle and as others have mentioned here, you don't need to stay overweight or impotent (or even balding) if you don't want to be. your post sounds so defeated ("as good as it gets"). nothing ends in life until you die (and even that depends on who you talk to). keep trying until you are who you want to be and you have what you want. life is too short to believe there are no more potentials.
posted by pinksoftsoap at 5:26 PM on September 23, 2006

"Strong caring, friendship and deep companionship" is what happens after infatuation matures into a healthy long-term relationship. It sounds to me like you just skipped the infatuation step and moved right into a good stable relationship.

Personally I'm not a big fan of infatuation (romantic love as depicted by Hollywood) - it can be intrusive, unsettling and sometimes downright painful. I find the mature "attachment phase" far more pleasant and, well, lovely. So where you're at right now actually sounds pretty good to me. Hubby and I never went through a real infatuation phase - we just sort of moved straight into what you've got now, and we've been married for 13 years, generally quite happily.

Impotence can be due to "performance anxiety" - if so, it may resolve itself. It sounds like your GF is OK with it one way or the other, so that should take some of the pressure off you. A benefit of staying with your current GF is that you can decide to address this problem, or not, purely for yourself. Moving on to a new GF puts the pressure right back on, since the next woman will likely be more demanding. (If indeed it's performance anxiety, you may find it slowly goes away after you stop worrying about it.)

Basically, it doesn't sound to me like you're "settling" - it sounds like what you have now is the stable end-result of a good relationship, which is about where'd you end up anyway if things worked out with a new GF. Except you got there faster and without the painful parts of the early phase that Hollywood doesn't care to show. I don't think you're missing out (= "settling") if you skip over the infatuation phase, and in fact I think it has some real advantages. By the way, you sound like a real nice guy and I think your GF was lucky to find you. Lose some weight for your health and appearance/self-image, and don't sweat the rest - Hollywood is full'o'crap and the less you buy into the BS they peddle, the happier you'll be. Good luck!
posted by Quietgal at 6:17 PM on September 23, 2006

If you're balding and overweight, I'm not sure if you'll find women falling all over you, unless you're really wealthy and have a winning personality. Work on losing the weight, seeing a therapist, curing (?) the impotence and figuring out what you want your life to really be like.

You could always order an Eastern European woman online or something, if you're really well off.
posted by onepapertiger at 9:34 PM on September 23, 2006

"Strong caring, friendship and deep companionship" is what happens after infatuation matures into a healthy long-term relationship.

Well, sure, and a healthy long-term relationship may still contain plenty of romance and attraction, which are A) not synonymous with mere "infatuation" and B) is something the OP says he's never had in his present relationship and yet apparently (as I read between the lines) would like to experience. Feeling passionate for someone isn't just for hormone-addled teenagers or people delirious with their first month of dating. Couples can still be plenty romantic for years -- decades, even -- down the road. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that includes long-term attraction and romance in addition to companionship.
posted by scody at 11:42 PM on September 23, 2006

"You could always order an Eastern European woman online or something, if you're really well off."

I know that's a joke, but sex trafficking is not funny.
posted by Lucie at 3:53 AM on September 24, 2006