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Teach my boy cunnilingus!
September 21, 2006 9:24 PM   Subscribe

How can my boy and I have better sex? And in particular, how can I teach him to go down on me?

I'm in a committed, amazing, relationship with a wonderful boy. We're in our mid-thirties, have been together for a couple of years and things just get better and better - I have never felt more loved, or optimistic about the future. I have never loved more wholly or felt such contentment. We're in this thing for keeps, and no foolin'.

The only fly in the ointment is that the sex isn't quite working. Not for me, at least. Though he's had more partners, he's always seemed a less adventurous than me, and more passive than I'm used to. I like being taken roughly, and wrestled, and bitten... generally, I like being dominated, just a bit. Because of his passivity, I've found myself in a slightly more aggressive role than I'm used to. Although initially mystified by the dynamic, I didn't really mind in the beginning of our relationship - I was so smitten that I was happy to compensate - and I also knew that he has an inhibited libido due to medication. But generally, I think it's just a cultural or personality difference - sexually, he's less adventurous and sexually inquisitive than me. I've never been in a relationship where that's been the case before - I have a fierce sex drive and it's always been met. He fancies me, I know, but it's not expressed in a way that blows my socks off.

The main thing that I'd like us to work on, though, is his reticence regarding cunnilingus. He's never gone down on me. He hasn't gone down on a girl in years - he says he used to really enjoy it, but now he doesn't. I've never been in a relationship, serious or otherwise, with someone who won't (or can't) go down on me before and I'm finding myself so sexually frustrated that my libido's shutting down. I enjoy the sex we have, but there's very little foreplay aside from fellatio (which I love). He knows it's an issue for me: cunnilingus is the best way to get me hot, and the best way to make me come, and I'm missing out on that right now. I feel untapped, like I have enormous sexual potential that's not being expressed. The last thing I want to do if make someone do something, sexually, that they dislike - I'd hate it if he did that to me - but he's said that it's something we can work on. He's willing to give it a try. But how?

So, that's my question: how do we make this work? How do we get our sexual styles to match better? How can he get comfortable with putting his mouth on me when he's never even looked between my legs? (Yeah, you heard me.) How do I deal with his squeamishness, or whatever it is, without having it affect my own body image? I don't even know where to start. I would love some advice from people who have managed to overcome hurdles like this, and grown closer, sexually. We've a long life together ahead of us, and I'm sure we can find a way to crack this thing open; surely people have done so in the past. The only advice I'm not open to is "Dump the motherfucker already". We're committed, and that's not changing. This is the real deal.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Talking is the only way. Tell him you're not satisfied, and that there are these things that you would VERY much like him to do.

Asking him if there's anything that he would like as well would be good. Tit for tat, so to speak.
posted by geekhorde at 9:37 PM on September 21, 2006


Real intimacy comes from open communication, in my experience.
posted by geekhorde at 9:38 PM on September 21, 2006


This is probably a small point but if you stop referring to him as a boy, and, if relevant, addressing or treating him as a boy, you may find his performance more inspiring, especially if you like a man with some "throw down," as seems to be your case. He's in his mid thirties, is a wondeful person, and makes you happy. He's a man, not a boy. Call him one and treat him like one.

If he's never looked between your legs, there's something up. He sounds incredibly passive, if not completely inhibited with regard to sex with a woman. If he used to enjoy cunnilingus but now can't look between your legs, something has changed. Chances are it's in your head, but to eliminate the possibilities you have control over: ensure excellent vaginal hygeine at all times and talk to him about his esthetic concerns, if he has them. Consider things like shaving if that suits his fancy. I don't want to shave my pubes, but if I could get all the awesome oral sex I wanted by doing so, it'd be a no-brainer.

I don't know how much time he spends exploring / manipulating you manually but that can be a good entre to oral sex. If he's not ready to go down on you, perhaps you can begin to break down his mental barriers with some manual work.

Does turning you on turn him on? If so, then the deck is stacked in your favor. If you love oral so much, then performing it will turn you on big time and feed his desire. With a little practice you'll get a good feedback loop going.

If your pleasure is not a fundamental element of his, then you may be up against a wall. There are very few true altruists in sex. For exampe, you go down on him because, as you say, you love it. It pleases him as well, but would you do it as much if it were pure labor and no pleasure? Probably not.

I'd suss out quickly whether your pleasure is at all important to his. It says a lot about whether you will be sexually compatible. I'm glad you're committed to working this out and not "just dumping him," but sexual compatibility is important, long-term.
posted by scarabic at 9:41 PM on September 21, 2006


Dump the mother... just kidding.

It seems that you two have to work on communicating about sexual desires and needs. (Maybe needs in other areas as well). For you to start a conversation about this I suggest you start by talking about something you already do and maybe get him to try some more adventurous positions. Slowly introduce new ideas.

Good luck.
posted by jeblis at 9:42 PM on September 21, 2006


Whoops, I meant to say:

Chances are it's in your his head

Sorry. I'm sure this is not all in your head :)
posted by scarabic at 9:42 PM on September 21, 2006


See if he's up to trying it with a dental dam. If he's concerned about tastes or odors, then that will put a barrier between him and you that he may be more comfortable with.

Other than that, I think it's something you're going to have to talk to him about.
posted by willnot at 9:46 PM on September 21, 2006 [1 favorite]


this sounds like a question you'd want to ask in the surprisingly excellent bondage.com forums... (forae?)

davy: man-boy ... it's a matter of how you feel, not how old you actually are.
posted by krautland at 9:58 PM on September 21, 2006


Just have to step in and defend anon's use of "boy". I think you're reading too much into that word choice. Many, many people use "boy" as a playful way to refer to anyone who is, or has potential to become, a boyfriend.

Unless you want people to start calling them manfriends...
posted by the jam at 10:47 PM on September 21, 2006


As a step towards getting what you want, why not bring a buzzer to bed, if that can help him get you off? The behavior that may be most likely to stimulate his interest in getting you off orally, may be, in fact, getting you off at all. Has he ever seen you come, big time? Does he enjoy feeling he can help you do this, reliably?

A lot of men just get tired of trying, when a woman isn't orgasmic with them. They may sense they aren't doing something right, but the prospect of doing something else, for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, that also might not work, isn't particularly appealing. Come for him, as straightforwardly and simply as possible, perhaps with a vibrator for consistency, and you can start building his interest in getting you to come other ways.
posted by paulsc at 11:14 PM on September 21, 2006


Get him to read some very high-quality porn which is topical to your point. Hey, seriously: I'm gay, but some writing I've seen about female sexuality makes it sound like lots of fun! And I say read explicitly. Film and photos just won't cut it.

And do consider your body language. Present yourself in a way that invites what you wish from him. My boy does this all the time, and it makes me wild! And I mean this in the sense of dominant behavior, not specifically the oral sex.
posted by Goofyy at 11:41 PM on September 21, 2006


I guess I'm just reiterating, but reiterate I shall. 1) Yes, clean and shaved. It is infinitely more pleasant when clean and shaved. 2) Technique: I hear most women prefer simple clit-nibbling, which is actually ridiculously easy and not-unpleasant to perform compared to some oral techniques. Perhaps he will be surprised that that's "all" you want. 3) You need to explicitly ask him for it, and if he refuses, demand to know why. His reasons for failing to comply were conspicuously absent from your post. You need to deal with his feelings. 4) Surely there's something that he wants you to do that you don't particularly enjoy, possibly even non-sexually. You take the garbage out, he goes down on you? Be creative.

You need to treat him as an adult who needs to fulfill your needs. I think you're getting hung up on not wanting to force him to do things he doesn't want, yet forcing him to do things he doesn't want is exactly what you need to do. You just need to reward him appropriately in return. I don't know if he's scared, or turned off, or just lazy, but the only way to get him to possibly enjoy it again is to just do it, even if it's unpleasant at first.
posted by trevyn at 11:55 PM on September 21, 2006


Coming at this from the other direction: you get girls to go down by telling them to go down (if they don't do it on their own). I suggest the same approach.

It may make him more comfortable if you a) present an STD report (but you've been together for a couple years, so you've probably done that already) and b) bathe or shower with him, thoroughly leaning yourself or allowing him to clean you. These things will alleviate (rational or irrational) fears about contagion or "contamination".

Finally, if he's not wiling to go down on you it may be an indication he's not that into you. Again, your years together suggest that's not the case.
posted by orthogonality at 12:01 AM on September 22, 2006


it's a matter of how you feel, not how old you actually are.

That's all well and good, but there's something about questions that seek answers on how to fuck boys really hard that just doesn't sound right.
posted by scarabic at 12:58 AM on September 22, 2006


He hasn't gone down on a girl in years - he says he used to really enjoy it, but now he doesn't.

Why? What's the story with this?

Figure this out (by asking him) and you'll be able to solve it probably.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:40 AM on September 22, 2006


Several of the replies have talked about unpleasant tastes and odors, but in a healthy woman, the taste and smell is typically very pleasant, and indeed arousing.

If God did not mean for man to eat pussy, he wouldn't have made it taste so good.
posted by megatherium at 4:54 AM on September 22, 2006 [3 favorites]


God didn't intend for man to eat pussy; he intended for man to ejaculate in it.

Back to the topic...seems like Brandon Blatcher's got it. The one sentence that stuck out to me (and him, and a few others) in your post was that he used to like going down on [women] but doesn't anymore. Why? Did some girl force him to do some weird shit he didn't really like? Was she smelly or tasted bad? I think you must find the answer to this question and in it you will find the answer to your larger question.

Whatever it is he used to like about eating pussy but doesn't anymore is what you need to make sure you provide in your pussy...or the atmosphere, or the act, or whatever the case may be.
posted by jckll at 5:45 AM on September 22, 2006


You can get some flavored lubes that might be fun to play with. It's a starting point anyways. I enjoy using them with the GF.
posted by JJ86 at 5:47 AM on September 22, 2006


It seems to me that you're just going to have to be the dominant one for awhile until you get him acclimated to the possibillities of more! better! sex!

Once he's caught up with your sex drive, it'll be time to engineer goading him into being more forceful. With luck, by that point, he'll be so impressed by the reaction that he'll be interested in repeating that experiment.

Re: boy -- what the jam said.

I also find the "used to" thing weird. And I suspect it's a white lie, to indicate that he doesn't find you gross or anything, he just has no earthly idea what to do and is intimidated.
posted by desuetude at 6:42 AM on September 22, 2006


desuetude has it. He likely isn't as experienced as you and is intimitated and ashamed. Basically talk about it all of the time and let him know all of the nice things you said about him in the question.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:44 AM on September 22, 2006


well he says he used to like it but who knows? if he's squeamish then clean and shaved (i mean, yes, totally pornchick shaved, not just tidied up a bit, and absolutely as neutral as possible in taste and scent) may just tempt him down there. maybe ask him to shave you? maybe show your nether beauty to him, masturbate in front of him until he takes the plunge. and i liked the idea of swapping his attention for a household chore :) the thing is to get him started.
posted by londongeezer at 1:24 PM on September 22, 2006


why don't you pick up violet blue's books:

the ultimate guide to fellatio
the ultimate guide to cunnilingus

trade off with him, trying the new things you learned in each book! she's a fantastic, fun author, and the both of you will probably enjoy both of them.
posted by squishy at 1:49 PM on September 22, 2006


Objecting to pornstarshaving and obsessing over whether you smell "neutral" enough as a solution to this issue.
posted by desuetude at 3:14 PM on September 22, 2006 [2 favorites]


Objecting to pornstarshaving and obsessing over whether you smell "neutral" enough as a solution to this issue.

You may have a point, even if you did fail to provide justification for your objection. The point being, everyone prefers different things, and you need to find out what your man prefers in an oral sex partner. (And be willing to go there.)
posted by trevyn at 5:53 PM on September 22, 2006


I don't think it's unreasonable to consider the taste and smell of something you want someone else to put in their mouth / all over their face. There's nothing anti-woman about asking the question. Come on. Lord knows all genitalia are subject to a little funk on a regular basis.
posted by scarabic at 6:53 PM on September 22, 2006


They have a sex life, but he's shyer than her. He's not too delicate of a flower to get his cock sucked on a regular basis (presumably without waxing his balls first) but the way to convince him to reciprocate is to for her to shave down to skin and obsess over whether or not she smells 'neutral' enough? Bah. I didn't say anything about anti-woman, I just think it's odd to respond to "he's got a hangup about cunnilingus" getting the response of "wash better and remove all of your public hair to make it less gross."
posted by desuetude at 8:01 PM on September 24, 2006


Hold him down and sit on his face.
posted by thirteenkiller at 8:10 PM on September 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


Tie him up.
posted by riotgrrl69 at 9:46 AM on September 25, 2006


This seems more of a mental obstacle he needs to get over rather than anything beautifying your vagina might help. Perhaps he needs to talk to someone to figure out what's preventing him from having this desire.

You said he has a lower sex drive due to medication - perhaps that's preventing him from being turned on by turning you on (as many men no doubt are). This may account for his lack of desire for doing so.
posted by orangeshoe at 1:42 PM on September 26, 2006


God didn't intend for man to eat pussy; he intended for man to ejaculate in it.

I want nothing to do with your religion.
posted by eustacescrubb at 7:28 PM on September 29, 2006 [2 favorites]


"God is a concept, by which we measure our pain" - John Lennon.

anyway... i would say one of the worst ways of addressing this might be ADDRESSING IT. don't ignore the situation neccessarily, but engage the man. nothing tells a guy what to do - better than a woman's level of excitement. if he gets near 'the area' go crazy. moan or whatnot. for myself and for most men i've talked to, what they really want to do is PLEASE the girl they love. so, act pleased, and that'll make him happy. that will make him want to do what pleases you. addressing the issue clinically, or with books and so on might make him feel inferior, or challenge his ability - and that's a huge turn off. hmmm, thinking about it, if you were in the throes of sex or near sex and you just yelled 'eat it' ... uh, who knows what would happen... maybe that's not good advice. maybe i've read Venus in Furs too many times.
posted by punkbitch at 12:48 AM on October 5, 2006


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