I've seen an email I wish I hadn't! Now what?

September 20, 2006 12:57 PM

Stop me before I ruin the relationship! We've been dating seriously and exclusively for two years and despite an age difference, things have been fantastic -- the best, most romantic relationship either of us has ever had.

Past couple of weeks, we've had some tension resulting in petty comments by one or the other of us that have escalated into arguments, mostly if we've had drinks. He's chalked it up to various post-summer pressures. I tend to be more worried, looking for cracks, but he's sanguine -- just a rough patch, nothing to freak about.

Today, I picked up a very unusual vibe for us. He was checking his email and did that thing of quickly minimizing his screen and then the casual body block when I passed by. Next, he went out and inadvertantly left the screen open. I looked at the inbox and there it was -- a mass mailing evite to an art event from his ex, and then another note from a pal, with the subject an obvious reply to his invitation to go to the performance. I didn't open them up.

I realize it sounds fairly innocuous but I need to stress -- we've been very coupled up, and there has been no 'ex' contact of any kind for either of us, and honestly, not much going out solo with friends (I do more than he does, but only with my women friends).

I'm actually queasy, it's so out of character for our relationship up until now. I am trying to stop myself from calling him out on it immediately -- but how the heck can I possibly 'front' that I haven't seen what I've seen? What's next?

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 comments total)

I am trying to stop myself from calling him out on it immediately

That's what you need to do. Call him out on it immediately. If something feels wrong about your vibe, that means something is wrong with your vibe - don't sit and wait for it to be convenient for him to break up with you, tell you he wants to see others, or whatever. You know something is up, you have a right to be told about it now.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:06 PM on September 20, 2006

I've seldom been angry at myself for confronting a significant other...Of course, you should do it tactfully. There's no need to sound accusatory, just ask about the invite.

I have on the other hand completely kicked the crap out of myself for ignoring my instincts...which are NEVER wrong.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 1:14 PM on September 20, 2006

Trust your vibe. Although you may think you're overreacting, nipping your worry in the bud by finding out that either something is up or that you're worried about nothing will ease your fear very quickly.
posted by banannafish at 1:15 PM on September 20, 2006

Talk to him about it. Why would you want to "front" that you haven't seen it?

Maybe there is something to worry about. Maybe there is nothing to worry about but he knows you're hypersensitive right now, so he was trying (poorly) to be considerate.

You will not be able to clear the air by silently worrying. Now that you're queasy about it, he'll know something is wrong and maybe he'll think you have something to hide.

That doesn't mean you have to "confront" him. Confrontation usually includes accusations, and those would be based on wild assumptions you're making. Confrontation discourages discussion and solutions, while encouraging defensiveness and increasing tension.

He got invited to an art event, and invited a buddy to accompany him (You think. You didn't see the message, just the subject. Maybe the buddy is an e-mail idiot and hit "reply all" to the original mass invite.) From that about of information, there's no reason to assume there's anything untoward happening.

Just say to him:
Hey honey, maybe I'm being overly paranoid, but the other day you seemed to be hiding something from me on the computer, and that seemed weird. And when I saw this invitiation from your ex, it got my imagination going. Is something up that I should know about, or can you put my mind at ease?

That's not confrontational and accusatory. Not "calling him out" when he hasn't done anything wrong. The wrong thing to do would be to say "I know you're seeing your ex again. How could you betray me like that? Is this over? Ohmigod ohmigod I'll kill you if you cheated on me" or something similar.


Please allow me to repeat the highlights of my rambling:
1. You will not be able to clear the air by silently worrying.
2. Confrontation discourages discussion and solutions, while encouraging defensiveness and increasing tension.
posted by raedyn at 1:23 PM on September 20, 2006

It sounds like there's several separate issues here (escalating mutual tension, his secretiveness, your peek at his inbox, and your insecurity about him having contact with an ex). It might help to try prioritizing these concerns. For instance, if each one of these happened on its own, would it bother you as much as it does now when they're all piling on each other? Or is there one larger issue that's sort of making the others stand out more than they otherwise would?

That way when you go talk to him, you can focus on one central issue first, instead of overwhelming him with a whole scary list of things. It helps to keep in mind that he seems to have picked up on the sense that something's wrong between you. He's probably as uncomfortable and wary as you.

On preview: yeah, what raedyn said.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 1:24 PM on September 20, 2006

I concur with the above posters - you should say something. Whatever is actually going on is something you'll need to deal with eventually - and if it's nothing, then the quicker you find out, the better.

I realize it sounds fairly innocuous but I need to stress -- we've been very coupled up, and there has been no 'ex' contact of any kind for either of us, and honestly, not much going out solo with friends (I do more than he does, but only with my women friends).

It seems worthwhile to say that most relationship advice I've heard on long-term relationships emphasizes the importance of spending time apart, and having relationships (platonic, of course) outside of your romantic one, in order to keep interaction between you more special. Perhaps something to think about, if it turns out that your current issue really is nothing.
posted by dorothy humbird at 1:25 PM on September 20, 2006

You: "Hey Honey, I made reservations for dinner for two at Nice Romantic Restaurant." (a place not far from the art event and on the same date as and a reasonable time before the start of the art event.)

He: "Oh awesome, I've been invited to an Art Event that same night, would you like to come with me after dinner? We can make an entire night of it, bunch of my old friends might be there too, you can meet them."

You: "Sounds fun. It's a date."

If the above happens, then drop your worries and go. If it goes more like,

Him: "Uh...um...dinner...uh...::sounds of crickets chirping::" then you've got some cause for concern.
posted by jamaro at 1:27 PM on September 20, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'll also recommend to go with your gut, but that's simply because every time i have, I've felt better for it. When i don't, it ends up eating me alive.

That being said, it's just a mass email from an ex, who quite possibly sent it to everyone in her address book. If it was a personal invite, then it's another story.

But do you really want to get into why you were reading his email? I understand why you did it (he's hiding something - what is he hiding???) but it's still an invasion of privacy, can bring up a whole whack of trust issues, etc etc. Do you really want to go there over this? Perhaps just ask him outright what he was so quick to minimize the other day - make a joke about it, ask him if it's a secret porn stash or something... maybe he'll just tell you outright, knowing that you know something's up. (wishful thinking, I know...) But then you can tell him that it's bothering you that he was obviously hiding something, and that your overactive imagination is probably making it 100 times worse in your head than it really is... maybe that will bring it out into the open.

On preview - I like jamaro's idea better.
posted by cgg at 1:31 PM on September 20, 2006

I thought a little bit more about this, and believe you do need to ask a question of yourself and answer it as objectively as you can (not necessarily here on Mefi, I mean, but in your heart of hearts): could the reason he's being a little dodgy about telling you about an invite from his ex be because he thinks you'll react negatively and blow it out of proportion? Have you had discussions or even made off-hand comments about this topic that might possibly given him such an impression?

Consider your most honest self-assessment to the above when composing what you might say if the crickets do indeed chirp. He might just be trying to avoid a fight*.

*which is a signal you both need to talk better.
posted by jamaro at 1:53 PM on September 20, 2006

I'm going to second "trying to avoid a fight". I mean, it sounds like the mass emailing was to some big-deal art show or something, and that's the kind of thing that might make someone come out of joined-at-the-hip hibernation to go see his ex and be supportive. Your post makes it seem like what's making you uneasy is his wanting to go see his ex without you, and not that he was trying to be secretive. It reads (to me) like you would be upset if he flat out told you "Hey sug, Angelica has some big deal art opening, and I'd like to go and be supportive. I think I want to go by myself."
posted by 23skidoo at 2:04 PM on September 20, 2006

Either it's a fantastic relationship, or it's not.

If it is, then you sit down, and say, you want to find a way to talk about the stress going on right now.

Your "seeing" his email is really, in many ways, a betrayal of trust to confront him on. If you think he's going to cheat on you...

Maybe your relationship isn't that fantastic.

If you intend to be serious about this relationship, talk to each other. Really, tell him that you want to deal/get through what's going on.

Ignore the whole ex/art gallery thing. Don't be so angry/possessive that you drive him away....rather, be honest; and if wants to go see his ex...it's okay. If you're comfortable with your relationship, you have nothing to really worry about.

in other words, address the underlying problems, not your vague suspicions.
posted by filmgeek at 2:59 PM on September 20, 2006

Just take it easy, darlin'. Put yourself in his shoes. Have you ever dated someone, broke up, but still remained friends? There's no need to feel so threatened. Seems to me like you just need to get some fresh air and maybe spend some time doing something by yourself.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 3:04 PM on September 20, 2006

I vote against jamaro's first idea of making the dinner reservation right before the art opening.

That seems a tad bit underhanded and passive-aggressive to me. You're simply taking a problem and making it possible for it to compound into a bigger problem when it turns out that he does not respond to your dinner idea exactly like you want.

Listen, just choose communication over passive-aggressive acts. In past relationships, if my ex ever did something like that, where she knew about something and didn't bring it up with me, but rather tried to trap me into lying about it or something like that, it would get me very angry and defensive, even if the thing she was being upset about was nothing. Later, I would be resentful about the way she couldn't talk to me about things, but instead had to try to play these games.

Please folks, choose communication.
posted by zhivota at 3:19 PM on September 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you've really got such a fantastic relationship, you owe it to each other to find a way to discuss this stuff in a non-confrontantional (i.e. non-fight-picking) way.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:47 PM on September 20, 2006

Do you think he would've left it sitting out if he was worried you would see it?

Maybe men are different, but people who are worried about being found out don't leave the screen open-- it's too tempting to look. Those of you who consider yourselves Men please correct me if I'm wrong.

On the other hand, you state, another note from a pal, with the subject an obvious reply to his invitation to go to the performance. He had invited another 'pal' (not you and possibly a Female Not You) to go with him? I would be nervous about this.

The dinner reservations thing is a good idea because it is a gauge. If the gauge confirms your suspicions, Have The Talk.
posted by mynameismandab at 4:05 PM on September 20, 2006

Zhitova is dead on. Passive-aggressiveness drives me crazy, and I ended a relationship with someone who was frequently passive aggressive. So that kind of action could very well make things worse. I'll put my vote in with a non-confrontational talk with him about it. If his answer to that is weird or evasive, then maybe you should worry a bit, but I wouldn't now.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 4:52 PM on September 20, 2006

Thirding/fourthing zhitova -- do not resort to any sort of passive-aggressive game playing to see what happens. Communicate with him directly -- which means expressing what you're feeling (and not jumping to conclusions), and being open to listening to him (and hearing his feelings) as much as possible, even if he's expressing feelings that may be uncomfortable for you to hear. If you have to resort to games, your relationship is not as good as you think -- even more of a reason to turn to open, honest communcation, as scary as it might be.

And yeah, it could just be that he's friends with his ex and is interested in seeing her art show, but is just afraid of how you'll react. I'm friends with most of my exes; my boyfriend is friends with most of his exes. (In fact, I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't on friendly terms with at least most of his exes.) Except for folks who marry their high school or college sweethearts, we all have past histories -- past histories with people who we might still like and respect, even if we don't care to be romantically involved with them any longer.
posted by scody at 5:46 PM on September 20, 2006

Perhaps I'm a bit out of the common path on this, but I personally have an extremely low tolerance for people that "see" things on my computers or through my personal accounts on other systems, and I give one warning to shoulder surfers before I get super nosy about their accounts and computers, too. Reading the guy's mail, even the subject lines, was low. You know that. Acting on that information, if it discomfits him at all, is an even skankier thing to do.

Suck it up, shut up, and never, ever do that again. If you can't trust him, don't, but you have no right whatsoever to invade his privacy.
posted by paulsc at 7:30 PM on September 20, 2006

Wow, Paulsc. A little harsh?! It's not like they just met. They've been together for 2 years. If he didn't want her to see it he should've closed out his email and turned off the computer (or at least the monitor) or made her leave when he did.

I'm not defending the invasion of privacy per se, I'm just looking at it from a practical perspective. If your privacy is so important to you, you will take considerable measures to make sure it is not compromised. Leaving the screen up is not one of those measures.
posted by mynameismandab at 10:15 PM on September 20, 2006

"Gentlemen do not read each other's mail." It might not have been great foriegn policy, but if I have to defend my privacy at every turn from my significant other, that is going to take a far bigger toll on the relationship than if I guard her privacy, and she mine. Partners owe each other notification of issues that affect the other, but not every thought or issue, unacted, should be required to be disclosed or explained.

If you can't trust your partner, invading his/her privacy will not make them trustworthy. But it will make them defensive and suspicious.

It takes very little willpower to co-exist without snooping on a shared computer, assuming the persons sharing haven't bothered to set up seperate user accounts. So, I don't see the problem characterizing the OP's behavior as snooping. Snooping itself is ugly in my book, and is demonstratably the root of much misunderstanding and suspicion. The honorable thing to have done would have been to quit the application he left open, but she didn't; she opened it, expressly to snoop in satisfaction of her curiousity, and she then extrapolates from subject lines and "from" headers, what she thinks the messages contain. She semi-justifies her action by saying "I didn't open them up." In other words, "I didn't snoop as much as I could have."

It was skanky behavior, and she knows it. It is quite likely to lead to hard feelings and misunderstandings. Anything she thinks she learned is essentially poisoned fruit of her breach of his privacy. I stand by my advice, and I honestly believe the OP's relationship will be better off if she heeds it, and puts the matter out of her mind, unless her S.O. brings it up.
posted by paulsc at 12:00 AM on September 21, 2006

Anything she thinks she learned is essentially poisoned fruit of her breach of his privacy.

Paulsc, usually I think you have great advice. But not here. A relationship isn't a lawsuit. She may have been wrong to snoop, but now the cat's out of the bag, the horse is out of the barn, the bell can't be unrung, & etc. That the information was gained by snooping doesn't change the fact that she needs to deal with it in some way. What if she had uncovered much more serious evidence of an affair? Would you still think she should just keep quiet about it?
posted by footnote at 4:24 AM on September 21, 2006

What if it's a machine they both use and he was careless? I think the snooping aspect of this is interesting -- should she have literally shut her eyes and clicked away? "Skanky" is awfully harsh, paulsc -- as footnote points out, this has been characterized as a loving relationship, not the HP board of directors.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:55 AM on September 21, 2006

I doubt that he's cheating, but I do think you should confront him. Every relationship has an ebb and flow but something like this, with tensions that have been going on for awhile, definitely deserves you confronting him about it. Trust your instincts.
posted by frecklefaerie at 11:15 AM on September 21, 2006

I'm keying my responses off a number of things the poster herself says:

Page title: "I've seen an email I wish I hadn't! Now what?"
"Stop me before I ruin the relationship!"
"I tend to be more worried, looking for cracks..."
"...did that thing of quickly minimizing his screen and then the casual body block when I passed by."

She knows from his actions that he doesn't want her reading his email, and senses that he probably doesn't want to discuss this, and he shouldn't have to, if his actions haven't been anything to warrant doing so. She also apparently recognizes that in bringing up the subject, she'll out herself as a snoop, and that is something no snoop wants to do. So, she's coming here to ask advice for tactics, which I'm giving her.

If she trys to start a discussion on this basis, she's walking into an emotional minefield. There's a reason we don't arrest people for thinking of committing a crime, and wait until they actually do something wrong. Since she snooped, she's got to pound down whatever she learned that is feeding her possibly non-rational suspicion, and wait until she's actually been wronged, or she comes into what she thinks she knows by legitimate means.

In the meantime, she can stop snooping, work on trusting her partner, and quit feeding the tensions she thinks are hurting the relationship. And finally, a big sorry to all those disagreeing with me here, but snooping is just "highly offensive; arousing aversion or disgust" i.e. skanky.
posted by paulsc at 11:23 AM on September 21, 2006

I gotta come in here in defence of my man paulsc.

The excellent point he's making which is overshadowed by his unfortunate characterization is that it's not a crime until it's committed. You have to do the emotional work required to trust your partner to do the right thing. Trying to get an idea of what he's thinking so you can extrapolate to what he might do is not trusting your partner. Don't try to guess what he's thinking - ask him! Don't worry about what he might do - Ask him!

This is probably the part where some people are thinking, "Yeah, but you can't help your feelings!" No, you can't. You think your jealous thoughts all you want. Just as in his case, you haven't done anything wrong unless you've acted upon your deviant thoughts, whether those thoughts are "I'm going to go hook up with my ex", or "I just can't trust my boyfriend enough to let him go somewhere where there will be cute and interested girls."

If you could peer into people's minds, I think you'd be surprised how many people think quite deviant thoughts, and deviant thoughts are a good thing, even if acting upon those thoughts isn't.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 12:46 PM on September 21, 2006

Paulsc, your interpretation of the word "skanky" is liberal at best. The rest of the definition you linked to referred to being sexually promiscuous. Most Americans equate "skanky" with whorish, slutty, or 'trailer-trash'-y. I don't know where OP is from, but that word is inappropriate to use for an American woman who does not deserve it.
posted by mynameismandab at 4:47 PM on September 21, 2006

Just look on UrbanDictionary
posted by mynameismandab at 4:48 PM on September 21, 2006

Have some fun. Get a girlfriend to go with you and spy on him. Dress up all in black and peer at him from around corners and such.

Or just sit back and let stuff happen, see what happens next. Accept that you have no control over this relationship, maybe.
posted by onepapertiger at 9:38 PM on September 23, 2006

Also, if he's older than you, you can have some fun by making him feel insecure. Let him "find" your Playgirl or something.

My comments may not seem helpful at all, but I think the key to bad situations is to turn them into an episode of I Love Lucy. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, you'll have some 'splaining to do. But the key is to have a blast.
posted by onepapertiger at 9:41 PM on September 23, 2006