Help me get my girlfriend horny.

September 20, 2006 5:51 AM

Is there such a thing as female viagra? Failing that, how can I get my girlfriend more interested in having sex with me?

We've been together for just over one and a half years now. I fully appreciate that a couples sexual intamacy will drop after a certain amount of time. The problem for us is, I'm still randy as all hell (almost 24/7) and she is essentially disinterested.

She says she wants to, so I very much doubt it's got anything to do with how attracted she is to me. Often she is very randy in the early afternoon but she says "no" to doing it then each and every time. She always says she wants to "save it for later" but by bedtime, she's no longer interested. Her explanation is that most of the time she's just too tired to actually do anything. This makes me think that maybe some sort of female equivalent to Viagra would do the trick. A chemical boost to her libido, so to speak. If so, what's it called and how much does it cost, roughly? I'll pay anything.

But if there is infact no such thing, what else can I do to get my girl to have sex with me? Sex isn't everything, but for a randy fellow like myself, who's super attracted to his girlfriend, it means much, and sex once a week simply isn't cutting it for me anymore.

posted by anonymous to human relations (45 answers total)

Yes, its called housework.

Actually, I've read mixed reports that Viagra and the related drugs _do_ help female orgasm, in that they increase blood flow to their genitalia just like in males.

Note that just because there is more blood flow down there, doesn't mean she'll be more interested. My understanding of viagra is that it doesn't really boost libido, it just helps "prolong" (ahem) whats already there.
posted by rsanheim at 5:59 AM on September 20, 2006

I'm the same way. Mid-afternoon and late morning is when I'm most apt to want it, but I always have something going and want to wait until the evening, when I can unwind. Except by that time, I am simply ready to go to bed.

Luckily, my partner understands. He's busy during the week too and has the same problem--he will have some "alone time" in the afternoons if it comes down to it, but usually our sex is relegated to the weekend, when both of us are able to sleep in and laze around. That's when the magic happens! Is she more open to it on the weekend?

Seems you both are just on different sex schedules. Try other avenues, like talking frankly about the issue, scheduling sex, or whatever else before you resort to drugs. If my partner suggested I try Viagra, I would be none too happy at his suggestion to manipulate MY hormones in weird ways just so HE can get some more often.
posted by sian at 6:08 AM on September 20, 2006

Sometimes it can be annoying to have someone constantly propositioning you, even if you do want to have sex. Have you tried holding back for, say, a week, and letting her make the first move? She might feel less "besieged" by constant requests. Not sure if that's what's going on, but it sounds like it could be.

Don't rely on the housework to do the trick. if my husband said "look honey I washed the dishes, now let's have sex," I would think he's a neanderthal idiot. Which he's not. I know there are those who do find it to be an aphrodisiac.... but to me there's just no connection.
posted by miss tea at 6:10 AM on September 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

What are you going to do with this magic female libido pill, crush it up and hide it in her food? What rsanheim says, you are cooking dinner and doing dishes, right? You are pulling your share of the housework, right? These things matter.

A fun trip can jump-start the intimacy, if done right. Plan a long weekend away with her and see what happens.
posted by peeedro at 6:12 AM on September 20, 2006

"Is she more open to it on the weekend?"

Yes, she is more open to the idea on weekends, but often the same thing happens. She gets randy halfway through the day, and come the evening she's too tired again. But yes, generally weekends are when I do get the most action.

"Try other avenues, like talking frankly about the issue, scheduling sex..."

We have tried scheduling it, and she is often good to her word. But sometimes she reschedules because she's too tired. Lately this has been happening more often than not, which is leading me to a great deal of frustration.

So we have talked frankly about it, which has led to us BOTH thinking chemicals may be the key. I am open to the ide (I do like the sex, after all) but I am also open to any other suggestions that may result in us forming The Beast With Two Backs.

"Sometimes it can be annoying to have someone constantly propositioning you, even if you do want to have sex. Have you tried holding back for, say, a week, and letting her make the first move? She might feel less "besieged" by constant requests. Not sure if that's what's going on, but it sounds like it could be."

Yep. Tried that too, hard (no pun intended) as it was. Infact I've tried this on more than one occassion. It resulted in her being more open to the idea (on the weekend) but again, the key here is that we both want more sex; once a week dosen't cut it for both of us really. Basicaly the real difficulty is maintaining her interest in it until the night time when she's 'ready.'

And to those suggesting housework, believe me, I do more than my fair share, all in a subtle effort to try and get her more interested. I figure if she's not tired from doing the dishes etc, she'll be more ready to do other things. This works, but rarely.

Hence my questions. But thanks for your help so far, all! It's appreciated!
posted by Second Account For Making Jokey Comments at 6:21 AM on September 20, 2006

I suppose I should've expanded upon "housework" where housework really means "stop thinking about sex for awhile and just be a considerate, loving partner - and the sex just might come back on its own".

That said, there is nothing wrong with having a discussion about it, picking a time and place where you have time for a "serious talk" so she doesn't just see it as another attempt at sex. Use a lot of "I" sentences instead of "you" (ie "I feel frustrated when __ " instead of "you make me feel frustrated when ___", but be truthful about your needs. It could just be a case of very different sex drives, in which case you need to decide if its a deal breaker or if you can work around it and deal.
posted by rsanheim at 6:26 AM on September 20, 2006

I'll pay anything.

At the risk of sounding flip...what you need to pay is, ahem, attention. To her.

No, there's no magic pill that cures being too mentally or physically tired to screw. Time-honored treatments, however, include getting her off without expecting reciprocation, helping alleviate whatever is stressing/tiring her out, long lazy weekends (either away or at home), and being an adorable tease for a few days until she rips off your clothes.

On preview, I'll add that it sounds like she's got something distracting her if she feels that she needs to be so specifically "ready." How stressful is her life overall right now?
posted by desuetude at 6:27 AM on September 20, 2006

Why is she so tired all the time? If she has a horrible job or something sapping all her energy, maybe resolving that problem will make her more enthusiastic all round.
posted by jamesonandwater at 6:28 AM on September 20, 2006

Why can't you just have sex in the afternoon?
posted by dagnyscott at 6:28 AM on September 20, 2006

I'm starting to wonder as well - just what's going on in her life that she's completely pooped every evening, including weekends? It's plausible this fatigue is a cover for silent dissatisfaction with something that's going on,but since they seemed to have talked about it, I'm left to assume she's assured him there's no outstanding issue left undiscussed at the moment.
posted by canine epigram at 6:30 AM on September 20, 2006

If the problem is that she's tired, maybe you could try to get to the root of that tiredness. Why is she so tired? Would a short nap help?
posted by amtho at 6:33 AM on September 20, 2006

Listen young man: In all your assumptions you're correct. Frequency usually does decrease in all relationships and no amount of housework, holding out, talking about it, flowers, or anything else is going to change how her body clock is currently set.

I am married and have been through these phases with my wife in the past. Her randiness comes and goes in long cycles. As I love her, I just try to make the best of the times when I'm not getting enough.

You however are not married and are only a year and change into this relationship. This is a good time to explain to her that this is a BIG problem for you and needs attention. Concentrate on explaining it is a physical need which your body demands and cannot help that. You are MALE and that is the way young males are engineered. You know how she will take this, but you should do it anyway. Now is not the time to waste all the sexual energy you have on your hand. It should be spent copiously, generously, and frequently. If this is not to her liking you need compromise or seperation.
posted by poppo at 6:33 AM on September 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

After reading your response, I would say if you gf is up for chemical assistance have her talk to her doc about it. Have you guys tried adult movies, toys, play, etc - basically getting freaky as way to make things more fun and interesting?

Some related reading:

Pfizer gives up on viagra for women -

Still, Viagra can be effective in some women, Dr. Nurnberg said. Women who once had normal sexual function but then suddenly lost all desire - often as a result of taking antidepressants - can be helped by Viagra, he said. Women who have always had low libido levels are unaffected by Viagra, he said.

Should my GF take viagra?
Testosterone patch as a women's viagra
posted by rsanheim at 6:34 AM on September 20, 2006

Is your GF on birth control pills? One of the side effects of most birth control pills (according to my wife and our doctor) is decreased libido. It's possible that switching to some other form of BC will help. (Always use two types though!)

IANADoctor
posted by chuma at 6:36 AM on September 20, 2006

So we have talked frankly about it

Excuse me Second, I missed your comment that you are already discussing the issue. Well done.
posted by poppo at 6:39 AM on September 20, 2006

"I suppose I should've expanded upon "housework" where housework really means "stop thinking about sex for awhile and just be a considerate, loving partner - and the sex just might come back on its own""

I don't want to sound like I have tickets on myself, but I feel as if I've already done that. I dote on her every chance I get, do tonnes of housework, help her however I can, look for ways to relieve her stress (including many foot and back massages, which have, on occassion, led to sex) and generally I try to make her feel like the most special woman on the planet every day. Because she is to me. And she often tells me I am "the best boyfriend ever." But still she's often too tired for sex. It is, as you might imagine, quite frustrating and leading me to feel a little unhappy and what is, perhaps, a little one-sided.

"Time-honored treatments, however, include getting her off without expecting reciprocation..."

Done that many times before. Dosen't work so much nowadays when she's too tired to even met me touch her in her... special areas.

"...and being an adorable tease for a few days until she rips off your clothes."

Tried that too. Works sometimes, but has a very low success rate. She usually gets horny from it around the late afternoon, but can't maintain that until bedtime when she thinks it's more "special".

I've resigned myself to the fact that there may be no "magic pill" (though we desperately hoped there was) but is there a way to maybe help her "keep that thought", so to speak, for a few hours until bed?

"How stressful is her life overall right now?

There is some stress. On top of studying she's working in a food service job she hates. So we both acknoweldge stress is a likely factor. Hence the reason why I try so hard to relieve that stress for her when she gets home, by doing most of the housework, having dinner ready when she gets home, massages etc. And she often says, after we go to bed on a day on which she's been working (Monday to Fridays, irregular hours but no later than 7pm when she does work late) she wants it but that she's just too tired to do anything. And I accept that but it's frustrating. So we've talked about it and are looking for answers.

Another possible problem is her body image. She feels she's overweight and ugly. This despite the fact I tell her everyday how beautiful she is and how attracted I am to her. I'm not sure what more I can do to overcome this besides that which I am doing.
posted by Second Account For Making Jokey Comments at 6:43 AM on September 20, 2006

You may get something out of these past askme questions (link to another of my comments collecting them all). As I said previously, I want to reference those other threads both so you can see that you are not the only one struggling with this "classic" problem, as well as to give you the resources and ideas brought up before to add to the comments you will have on this thread. When unbalanced sex drives occur, you need to look at all the potential reasons. Sexual intimacy is a two way street, and there are more reasons than one that someone might not want to head down that road (with you, or with anybody).

What is she up to between the afternoon and bedtime that gets her so tired? Exhaustion is a legitmate excuse, I've fallen asleep while being perfectly interested (yeah, not fun). Are you two together much of the time when she's not at work/class? Maybe she doesn't have enough time to herself to recharge in the course of the day. That can be a big factor for some people, including myself.

Have you honestly asked her why you two don't get it on when she is interested? Maybe you could clear your afternoons of other activities or distractions? If she has thought that drugs could help, maybe she should see about switching BC (if she's on it) or talking to her doctor. You could ask her what you could do differently with your approach, or your behaviour in the bedroom, to make following through on her afternoon randiness more enticing.
posted by nelleish at 6:49 AM on September 20, 2006

I have to ask since I don't think you answered this: why doesn't she want to have sex in the afternoon, when she's horny? You say she says she wants to "save it for the night", which leads me to believe that perhaps it is a body image issue... Have you considered getting blackout blinds for your room? Having a nice dark room available mid-day, I've found, has made it a bit easier in the past with girls who have body image issues.

As for how to overcome the body image issues, I have no idea. I've tried so many different things, and it seems short of the girl actually losing weight on her own, nothing seems to work. :/
posted by antifuse at 6:52 AM on September 20, 2006

Uh, dude, like, seriously, if you're talking about it as 'the beast with two backs' and 'the most action' ... have you taken a look at, well, y'know, ROMANCE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm gonna agree with the other posters that it sounds like a) you're bad at sex (hence, homework) b) there's something wrong with your relationship that you need to fix besides the sex, inculding, possibly, your freakin' reason for being in the relationship. (Hint hint: "Get laid as many times as possible in one week" is not a valid reason for a relationship.)

I know women with naturally low sex drives, and I know women who cycle periodically, but I can almost hear the unspoken subtext ... "Yeah, I want to have more sex too!" ... "Or at least I would if you were any good at it and I didn't have to fake all my orgasms."

I think that's what we're referring to as homework. I have yet to know a woman who couldn't get enough mindblowing sex. I have known many women with guys who are bad in bed and could quite honestly do without the sex.

Either that, or dump her now and find someone with a heavy-duty industrial grade libido. You have no idea how much you're straining your relationship by constantly humpin' on her leg, which would lead me to think you're clueless and immature elsewhere as well.
posted by SpecialK at 6:53 AM on September 20, 2006

She always says she wants to "save it for later"

Yeah, I think you should discuss why it must be saved for later. There is nothing wrong with having sex in the afternoon.
posted by grouse at 6:54 AM on September 20, 2006

Well, there's also the correlation between weight and fatigue, which can certainly be compounded by body image issues. Mutual fitness activities might serve many purposes here: a feeling that she's addressing her body image, the increased stamina and attentiveness of an active lifestyle, and the general bonus of things done together. It may not be a short-term solution, except to the extent that new exertion manages to sap your own libido, but it doesn't sound like a solution you've yet pursued.
posted by blueshammer at 6:54 AM on September 20, 2006

"Is your GF on birth control pills? One of the side effects of most birth control pills (according to my wife and our doctor) is decreased libido. It's possible that switching to some other form of BC will help."

No, she uses the Implant, specifically Implenon. Her desire has not decreased or increased since it was implanted, so superficially I'd say it's had no effect on her libido. Infact, we both recognise that the biggest change in her libido was back when she first started taking some prescribed anti-depressants, which she has since stopped doing, not only because of the loss of her libido but because they made her more cranky than calm. She dosen't feel she needs them now, anyway.

"Have you guys tried adult movies, toys, play, etc - basically getting freaky as way to make things more fun and interesting?"

Yes. Porn gets her interested sometimes, but often she gets turned off by it because she thinks porn and porn actresses are "skanks" (her words, not mine). There are some toys we've bought that she likes, but they're not much use when she can't get horny enough to actually want to use them.

"What is she up to between the afternoon and bedtime that gets her so tired?"

Honestly? Usually just dinner and then some TV which we'll watch together (when I usually give her foot massages). Not much else.

"I have to ask since I don't think you answered this: why doesn't she want to have sex in the afternoon, when she's horny?"

Because she thinks it's more special to do it when we go to bed. She wants to wait until then for that reason. I've suggested to her that we take advantage of the moment numerous times, and once in a while she'll agree with me, but again this is usually only on weekends.
posted by Second Account For Making Jokey Comments at 6:56 AM on September 20, 2006

but can't maintain that until bedtime when she thinks it's more "special".

Aha. This is hugely important. It sounds to me like she feels, for some reason, like sex must always be special and perfect and live up to lifetime movie standards. Have a long talk with her about her expectations of sex and I think you'll find she's harboring some theory of sex & romance. Frankly, if you're going to be together for a long time, you both need to get used to the idea of workaday sex...sex that lasts for 5 minutes and simply gets you both off, and cements your intimacy. Then you can save the mindblowing sex for when you're both relaxed, not tired, and randy. Realistically, that's not going to be daily.

But if you can sit down and have a conversation about your expectations, not of frequency, but of content, you will have taken a huge first step.
posted by miss tea at 7:01 AM on September 20, 2006

That's actaully a very helpful answer, Miss Tea. I agree that this is probably the case, and I'll talk about it with her tomorrow. The concept of "workaday sex" as you describe it is one we'd not contemplated before but one I think will resonate with her. Whether it will drive her to actually have workaday sex, on the other hand, will remain to be seen.

More input is appreciated, all.
posted by Second Account For Making Jokey Comments at 7:07 AM on September 20, 2006

You hit the nail on the head with your last comment. You can certainly help with body image but, 9 times out of 10, it is up to the individual to overcome those types of issues.

I've been in similar relationships and to be quite honest, I've never been able to figure out a solution (despite trying everything you have tried as well).

My only recourse has been to just live with the situation or get out of the relationship. Sexual compatibility is important in any serious relationship. You can trick yourself that you're above those base needs, but there would be resentment (if you're not there already, some of your comments seem to indicate that you are).

If body image is really the issue then I'm afraid that any honest discussion along those lines is probably not the best policy (recommending diets, exercise etc. would be a bad, bad idea). I know you would be doing it simply as advice to help with her own perception of herself but it will not be taken that way at all and most likely make the situation worse.

Best of luck. Sorry I couldn't provide better (or positive) advice.
posted by purephase at 7:09 AM on September 20, 2006

I'm a bit confused. You write:

"What is she up to between the afternoon and bedtime that gets her so tired?"

Honestly? Usually just dinner and then some TV which we'll watch together (when I usually give her foot massages). Not much else.

Earlier you wrote:

There is some stress. On top of studying she's working in a food service job she hates. So we both acknoweldge stress is a likely factor.

Mind clarifying?

I just wanted to repost this bit, since it appears that she's:
a) a student, part or full-time b) working a job she hates on top of that, and c) the weight issue.

(Others have already tackled the "why wait?" bit)

Hating your job and being snowed in by schoolwork at the same time is exhausting. Does she feel she's on top of her studies? Is there any possibility of quitting her job and finding another one? Not hating life can do wonders for the libido.
posted by canine epigram at 7:10 AM on September 20, 2006

Being desperate can drop a man's sensitivity and creativity about meeting a woman's emotional needs to nearly zero; it's like being in a band you don't think value your playing anymore. Everything you do to make them like you as they used to, and play better, only aggravates your uncool, to the point where pretty soon, you're constantly a quarter beat off, and slightly flat, simply from trying too hard.

As a side note, as long as this keeps up, you've pretty much got a key on any issues of infidelity. One of the classic markers of an extramarital affair is guilty sex. If your love life radically improves for no apparent reason, you may want to look that gift horse in the mouth pretty closely.

A British TV show, horribly titled "The Sex Inspectors" aims to give people who volunteer for its form of couples therapy practical pointers about resolving such issues. Many times, their methods are simply techniques for identifying communication problems in the relationship, and breaking out of ruts. Might be instructive if you looked at few episodes with your girl, and maybe used it as a springboard for working through any such issues in your relationship, or finding professional couples therapy.
posted by paulsc at 7:12 AM on September 20, 2006

Usually just dinner and then some TV which we'll watch together (when I usually give her foot massages).

Maybe instead of watching TV, the two of you can go for a short walk and then you can cook dinner that includes coffee somewhere, perhaps with the dessert? Both of those give boosts of energy and might help your cause. Also, by going on a walk she might feel better about body image issues.

As for the afternoons: perform oral sex.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 7:17 AM on September 20, 2006

Is she actually exhausted all the time? I know a couple of women in their mid or late 20s who've recently been diagnosed with sleep disorders, and getting treatment has really revved up their energy levels. Sometimes these disorders are treated with pills, sometimes with breathing devices. Might be worth looking into.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:17 AM on September 20, 2006

I think you know the problem already and where the solution lies. You wrote: "Because she thinks it's more special to do it when we go to bed. She wants to wait until then for that reason. I've suggested to her that we take advantage of the moment numerous times, and once in a while she'll agree with me, but again this is usually only on weekends."

This is what you have to get over. There is no more or less special time to have sex, and at some point even sex that isn't "special" whatever that means is better than no sex at all.

So either she has a very large Victorian-esque block against just enjoying sex, preferring to do it in some pre-defined "proper" way or not at all, or there's something else here that's masking her true issues with this.

Anyhow I thought everyone knew that waking was the best time for sex!!! (kidding - though it is a pretty great way to start the day)
posted by mikel at 7:24 AM on September 20, 2006

Yeah, I agree with miss tea and mikel. I was just like your girlfriend for a few years in my mid-20s. At least the excuses I gave were very similar. Although my issues were all about controlling my boyfriend and always wanting to be the one to dictate when, where and how we had sex (I realised this after a couple of years, about the time we were breaking up - I certainly didn't comprehend this at the time). I'm sure - I know - I made him absolutely miserable with this.

So let me reiterate that you have to get to why she feels sex is more special at nighttime. Or even if she really thinks that. She may (unconsciously or not) just be mindgaming you. She's also denying herself the chance to feel good, assuming she enjoys sex when you do have it. Why would that be?

For me what it took to turn it around was making the decision (realisation) that yes, sex was one of, if not the most important part of my romantic relationships. Thus, it had to be a priority. Cuddling, backrubs, emotional support? I can get all of that from my best friend if needs be. So I made a big attitude adjustment and pretty much decided that if my partner was up for it, I would be, at least 95% of the time. I embraced the concept of "workaday sex" and quickies. I also vowed that TV would never, ever, trump sex (tivo is also good for this!) Then I met my husband and many years later we are still very happy and have a great sex life.

So yeah, get to the root of why she's saying it's so important to do it at nighttime. Sorry for the long windedness, I saw something kind of familiar there.

in case I get yelled at: I'm not saying everyone has to have the same attitudes towards relationship sex as me, just what worked for me, and how I like to approach it
posted by gaspode at 7:43 AM on September 20, 2006

a) a student, part or full-time b) working a job she hates on top of that, and c) the weight issue.


i have been in this sort of situation personally and it absolutely killed my usually more than healthy libido. i think before you concern yourself with the sex you both should sit down and figure out what can be done to make your girlfriend happier with her life. maybe finding a different type of job, i worked as a waitress for several years and its a VERY tiresome job that very few people enjoy. when i came home from the restaraunt i had no interest in anything but sleep or doing something completely mindless. I kept telling myself that nothing else was going to pay as much and be able to work it around school easily. but you know what? nothing is worth being miserable.

as far as the weight thing, what works best for me is to find some sort of activity that involves exercise that i enjoy doing. whether it be going to the gym, taking dance lessons or martial arts. overall she will feel better because exercise does that on its own. and the result should make her feel better about herself, and up her energy levels. (even if she only has half an hour twice a week, every little bit helps)

as far as the birth control goes i think you are a little misleaded to what it Implanon does. it has a very high dose of hormones that stops ovulation and absolutely is being blamed for a loss of libido (and weight gain), so have her go see her doctor and ask questions about it. as a general rule from learning the hard way i try to stay away from new birth control options that dont have a few years of experience behind them.

im also concerned about why night time is more special to her, it sounds like somewhere along the way society reared its ugly head into your girlfriends life and that also may have a HUGE affect on how your girlfriend will act on any sexual feelings she does have. they have doctors for this sort of thing too.

as for all these people that are saying leave her and find someone with a higher libido, the question becomes.. has her libido ever been higher? because if so this is fixable.. and even if not its still fixable. there are alot of areas that need to be explored before you drop this girl for her lack of libido.

i wish you both the best of luck.
posted by trishthedish at 8:33 AM on September 20, 2006

I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe you are trying too hard? Is she starting to take advantage of you or to think of you as a "loyal friend who gives foot massages" rather than a sexual partner? Are you setting limits, standing up for yourself? I really hope this rings no bells at all -- I love SNAGs.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:35 AM on September 20, 2006

Her body image issues are probably affecting her libido. She's reaching the end of the day, she's feeling slightly tired, maybe she thinks she's had too much for dinner or wasted her evening by watching TV when (in her mind) she should be eating healthfully and exercising. You add those all up and by night she's not only a bit tired, but even more demoralized about her body and the way it looks.

When you guys go out for dinner to a really nice place and she's dressed up and feels like she's spent the evening looking absolutely sexy and fabulous, is she still too tired to have sex when you get home?

Also, talk with her about why sex at night is so "special" (though you may not have luck if it's just her feeling self-concious about you seeing her naked in the light). Put it to her this way: Doesn't it just add that extra "oomph" that you guys are just so attracted to one another you have to rip your clothes off now, you just can't wait for night? And you're having fun, while everyone else who doesn't have a wonderful partner like yours has to work or make dinner or whatever? Plus, afterwards you guys can make a leisurely dinner together and settle down for the evening with a nice glowy feeling.
posted by schroedinger at 8:38 AM on September 20, 2006

I agree with miss tea about setting realistic sexual expectations. I used to refuse sex when I was exhausted or time-limited until my wife explained that she also enjoys "quickies."
posted by elderling at 8:50 AM on September 20, 2006

"The NuGyn™ Eros Therapy device is the only available, clinically proven product cleared by the FDA for women who suffer from FSD of an organic nature, specifically arousal and orgasmic disorders."
Your girlfriend's low libido doesn't sound like it has an organic cause, but Eros Therapy looks like a lot of fun anyway.
posted by roofus at 9:15 AM on September 20, 2006

Why aren't you talking to your woman about this? Be an adult and have a conversation with her.
posted by agregoli at 10:13 AM on September 20, 2006

when you feel needy, rub one out.

and then stop acting so desperate.

you have to work with her rather than hoping to magically change her. drugs is a silver bullet and it seems like you're hoping to magically change her over night. that's not going to happen. she has a predefined notion of what sex is so figure that out. it's a good thing that you've been talking about it and discussing it and the simple fact that you can answer the question why she won't have sex in the afternoon is great. however, you seem to be trying a lot of ways to superficially fix whatever issue is bothering her. porn, housework, blah blah blah...that stuff works when there isn't something underneath that is bothering people. And now you're asking for a magical drug to fix things. That screams of desperation.

So after you finally act like you're not some desperate animal, start helping her with some issues that are affecting her life that not only affect her ideas of sex but also impacts her life. She's working a job she hates, going to school - she has a lot of stress in her life. If she's not as hormonaly charged as you, those two things will cause her to physically not beable to put out. She'll just be too tired. That's normal. She also feels like she's unattractive. Telling her she's beautiful is good; tellling her all the time isn't. After awhile, it begins to sound fake. And if she doesn't think she's attractive, you telling her she is isn't going to fix it and change her mind. So defeat the stress and her body image. And an easy way to do this is just to change how and what you eat.

I don't know how you cook or what you eat, but diet has a big deal with stress and having the energy to get through a day and not be wiped out at the end of it. Are you both eating healthy and getting the vitamins you need? Are you eating foods that make you feel refreshed rather than foods that put you to sleep and make you feel heavy? You can not only increase your energy levels but also an easy way to lose weight and just "feel" better is to eat foods that don't make someone feel so heavy or greasy. And if she's starting to physically feel better, she's going to feel more diserable, more attractive, more sexual. And she won't be as tired. So you'll have a girlfriend who feels sexy and has the energy for a good ol' rodgering.

Hopefully you're up to the challenge when that happens.
posted by Stynxno at 10:45 AM on September 20, 2006

Have you tried the time-honored tradition of having a couple glasses of wine? I know it sounds a bit skeevy, but alcohol does generally make folks more randy.
posted by Durhey at 10:55 AM on September 20, 2006

If the girl is too lazy to want to have sex with you when she's wanting sex, she probably doesn't like having sex with you very much.
posted by shownomercy at 11:18 AM on September 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

I don't have time to read the whole thread carefully, but from a quick glance I didn't see a mention of whether or not she's on an SSRI. If she is, that could certainly account for some of the problems. It might be time for her to consider ending that part of her treatment, or switching to something like Welbutrin.
posted by OmieWise at 11:19 AM on September 20, 2006

Infact, we both recognise that the biggest change in her libido was back when she first started taking some prescribed anti-depressants, which she has since stopped doing, not only because of the loss of her libido but because they made her more cranky than calm. She dosen't feel she needs them now, anyway.

That's funny, because I was wondering if it's possible she's depressed. Depression is a big libido-killer, plus the apathy and the being "too tired" sounds like she's feeling too down to think about sex.

In any event, it seems highly possible that stress or some other non-sex-related issue is what's making the difference, in which case Viagra isn't really going to be the answer.

Exercise, maybe? The next time she's in the mood in the afternoon but wants to save it, you might jog or do yoga instead.

Oh... and one thing: And to those suggesting housework, believe me, I do more than my fair share, all in a subtle effort to try and get her more interested....She probably knows that, and may now even be associating you doing dishes with a subtle pressure to have sex. Do the dishes because they're dirty, not because you think it might get you laid.
posted by stefanie at 11:57 AM on September 20, 2006

Second Account Etc.: I know she says she feels that she doesn't need her antidepressants anymore, but frankly, based on what you say here (the endless fatigue and stress, the body image issues), she sounds like she could still be depressed -- maybe not severely, but perhaps moderately. In which case, there are antidepressants that have a lower rate of decreasing libido.... which may allow her libido to increase more generally (beyond just those moments in the afternoon where she says she feels randy but then doesn't actually want to have sex at that point). Would she consider discussing this with her doctor?

I also nth the suggestion that her sense that sex should be "special" (and that nighttime is the right time, as it were, for this "specialness" to happen) may be contributing to the issue. It sounds like she's putting a lot of pressure on herself for sex to be perfect (or at least A Big Deal), and also that she may have a sense that it's only appropriate at certain times and in certain contexts (e.g., at night under very romantic circumstances is acceptable; in the middle of the afternoon when it's more casual is bad/dirty/cheap/"just sex, not love"/whatever).

Also, it could be related to the body image issues -- does she want to have sex at night because it's dark? Speaking of which, therapy could be helpful as well in terms of the body issues. Unfortunately, being absolutely convinced of one's own unattractiveness is not something that simply goes away through someone else's constant reassurances -- it's can be a much, much more complex issue than that.


Finally, it may very well be that she just doesn't have as high a sex drive as you do. (Did she ever have a high libido?) You may decide that a permanent imbalance in this department is a dealbreaker; you may decide that there are ways you (as a couple) are willing to negotiate it.
posted by scody at 4:28 PM on September 20, 2006

In a tantric book, I remember reading that it's good to schedule sex 72 hours in advance, make a date, build up to it, leave notes alluding to it, buy special stuff for the "date" (clothing, food, oils, candles) and then put aside everything for that time. A quickie before work or during commercials can be fun, but most women go for the build-up, the romance, the seduction and the foreplay. If she's not interested but still attracted, it's your job to make her more interested. Once a week isn't enough for you; that's fair. And if you are giving 72 hours advance notice of a date, that means you are having sex 2 times per week. That probably still isn't enough, but maybe the build-up to the date will be fun and satisfying for you so that 2 times a week is plenty. If you are planning for 72 hours twice a week, that's most of your week spent planning sex...could be a lot of fun!

If she is tired, it's hard to justify staying up later and losing sleep to have sex. Make her want to lose sleep, make her want to go to work the next day tired and hair a mess. Why is she tired? Can you do anything to help her be less tired? Ask her. Just asking her will probably perk her up a lot! Please be honest with yourself when you consider whether you are doing your share of the house work, bills, worrying, phone calls, making doctors' appointments etc. Studies have found that even when couples agree that they share all duties 50/50, the evidence when they were observed was that the man did less. I don't want to start a gender war here but if she says she is tired (and you're sure she's not bs'ing you to hide something else) try to help her; if she is bs'ing you, your offer to help will reveal the truth.

It's really cool that you asked this question instead of just letting your relationship die!
posted by kenzi23 at 5:03 PM on September 20, 2006

but most women go for the build-up, the romance, the seduction and the foreplay.

Says who?
posted by scody at 5:50 PM on September 20, 2006