. . . ahh, anonymous posting

September 17, 2006 5:01 AM

Condoms, penis size, and virginity. . .

My girlfriend and I are both virgins, but inertia suggests that state won't go on. Safety is a problem though, and I really do *not* want to fuck up on this issue. I'm East Asian and I suspect I am underendowed compared to most Western guys. I bought the normal LifeStyles condoms and gave them an, ahem, preliminary test and they slipped off pretty easy, being too loose around the base. I went to the store again and the only other stated condom sizes available (across all brands) were 'Large' and 'Extra Large'. No 'Small' and 'Extra Small', or euphemisms I could detect, even though you think the implied normal curve would require this!

[Seemingly it would be most logical if safe length and circumference ranges for the product were stated on the boxes, then I wouldn't need to buy 100 different condom brands and styles just to see if any happened to fit]

I am 4.5 inches erect, with a circumference of 4 inches. Is there a regular brand or method I should try? How else can I maximize my chances of this aspect of sex not creating a disaster? Also what are the worst virginity sex mistakes and how can I avoid them?

posted by anonymous to human relations (34 comments total)

?

Aren't condoms "one size fits all"?
posted by reklaw at 5:16 AM on September 17, 2006

i remember that there was some place that custom makes them according to measurements that you provide...

but here's a website that could help...
posted by stratastar at 5:34 AM on September 17, 2006

Lots of guys have problems finding the right size condom...they're too small, or too big, or whatever. So you're not alone. There are places on the internet that sell condoms of various sizes. You just measure yourself and order the right size. I don't have time to Google it right now, but they should be easy to find.

As far as virginity mistakes...I guess the biggest mistake to avoid is to get into the mindset that it'll be a big, movie-worthy experience and it'll be perfect the very first time. It'll be nice, I'm sure, but you're both learning. Enjoy the whole process of learning about sex and don't put too much pressure on that first night.

Good luck!
posted by christinetheslp at 5:35 AM on September 17, 2006

The subtle packaging words that you're looking for are "Tighter fit" or "snug fit".

Look for the Kimono brand, which tends to run a little thinner (excluding the Kimono Maxx). If you have a well-lighted adult shop in your neighborhood, you'll certainly find them there.

While it's wonderful that condoms are available at every corner market, you won't really get exposed to the full range of what's available unless you go somewhere that's a little more specialized. Get some water based lube in a bottle (i.e. astroglide) while you're there.

As for not making it a disaster... I vote for practice, practice, practice. If you can spend the entire weekend together, uh, undisturbed -- and with no other plans, you'll find it to be time well spent.

On preview -- seconding what christinetheslp said about not expecting movie-worthy scenes your first time out. It'll take you both a while to learn what you like, and what your partner likes.

Most of all, enjoy, relax as best you can -- and good luck.
posted by toxic at 5:42 AM on September 17, 2006

Condomania has a selection of "Snugger Fitting" condoms. You can go to their store in New York, or order online; we have similar stores here in Philly, and I would imagine that they exist in most major cities at least.

My suggestion, though, if you're in a seriously committed relationship? Get tested for STDs (yeah, even if you're both virgins; there's just more of a chance of a clean bill of health so "yay!"), get your girlfriend on birth control, and don't worry about condoms at all. It's much better without. ONLY if you're both tested and seriously committed... pregnancy or disease WILL FUCK UP EVERYTHING. So be careful. And have fun.
posted by The Michael The at 5:46 AM on September 17, 2006

Personally, I wouldn't take toxic's advice to use Astroglide or any glycerine-based lube; the stuff commonly causes UTIs and nasty things for the woman. I use Sliquid H₂O. The stuff isn't as stringy as Astroglide, and cleanup is a lot easier.

Oh, and with sex for the unexperienced, you can usually expect one of two things (at least for the guy): no climax, or a very quick one.
posted by booticon at 6:12 AM on September 17, 2006

Review these guidelines for proper condom use, including Step 4 "after sex." Many young men lose their erections quickly after ejaculation, and a condom can slip off easily during withdrawal. Some men concerned about slippage and pregnancy prevention using condoms pull out immediately before ejaculation, to avoid post ejaculation problems. If condoms are your primary pregnancy prevention, examine them visually for failure after use (this sounds yucky, but it's not as yucky as a pregnancy).

Practice extensively with using condoms while masturbating, before using them while having sex. Properly used, condoms can be effective, but learning is required, and as with all barrier methods, there are ongoing issues with application and effective lubrication.

So, you may want to obtain and have at the ready, plan B pills for your girlfriend. Having a backup plan for pregnancy avoidance can lower stress significantly, making effective condom use more likely.

Relax, as much as both of you can. It's the start of something wonderful, even if it doesn't turn out exactly as you plan. Sex generally gets better and easier with time and practice.
posted by paulsc at 7:02 AM on September 17, 2006

You could also secure the condom with an adjustable cock ring.
posted by zerokey at 7:30 AM on September 17, 2006

Cock rings might be a bit advanced for your first sexual encounter. But if you go that route, a leather vest and chaps really complete the look, in my opinion.

Or, try "contoured" condoms. This is another euphamism for smaller sized. At least in one of the manufacturer's brand line, anyway. I'm afraid I can't remember which.
posted by centerweight at 7:47 AM on September 17, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

Consider the whole first weekend (or whatever) your "first time" so there's not too much pressure on the actual "first" time, which probably won't be all that great. :-)
posted by callmejay at 7:49 AM on September 17, 2006

I was about to recommend Kimono condoms or another Japanese brand. And I was also about to say that the actual first time might not be that hot for either of you -- I recall anxiety so great that I had problems getting an erection for two hours -- so don't feel bad if your very first "performance" isn't porn-star quality. And I was about to recommend having backup contraception on hand just in case. But since all that's already been said I'll just wish you good luck. Oh, I do have some advice of my own: it might be good for her to get a little drunk and/or high first (if anybody does), but you should refrain from intoxicants yourself: they impair erectibility and emotional connectedness and might make it difficult to remember the event.

(Oh and who says "Oriental" guy's penises are smaller than Europeans' anyway? Has anybody done actual research or is that just a racist rumor? Most guys I've heard express "my weenie is tiny" sentiment are WASPs.)
posted by davy at 8:13 AM on September 17, 2006

Lifestyles condoms are a little looser fit than Durex, in my experience, so maybe you could just check ut another brand if you're stuck with the limited choice at your local drugstore. Another online retailer to add to the suggestions above is the unfortunately-named Ripnroll, which I note sells a sampler pack containing several brands' "snugger" offerings.
posted by nowonmai at 8:27 AM on September 17, 2006

I think it's pretty crucial that you guys can both openly talk about sex with each other. Opinions will probably vary by person as to how important sex is, but I say that it's a huge undertaking, and the more comfortable you are with each other, the better it will go. It's even better if you can laugh at mistakes or awkwardness together.

Anyway, what everyone says about not expecting it to go amazingly the first time is absolutely true. It gets better with practice, and as long as you don't tell yourselves things have to be perfect you should be fine.

For me personally, I saw sex coming from a few weeks away and knew I wanted to be absolutely sure I was okay with it (I had previously ascribed to a policy of abstinence before marriage). So if you or your girlfriend has any issues like that in the background, you may want to openly discuss that with each other.
posted by dorothy humbird at 9:07 AM on September 17, 2006

(Links NSFW.) You can take the scattershot approach to finding which condoms you like. Adam & Eve, for example, runs (or used to, anyway) a small ad in Playboy (and presumably other magazines) each month through which you can get 100 assorted condoms for pretty close to nothing. 15 years ago it was 100 for $10, and you can still get 100 for $40 from their web site.

The order probably gets you put on their catalog mailing list, and while that certainly can be a good thing, getting off <heh> the list should pretty easy since adult oriented businesses have to be so careful to avoid "obscenity" charges these days.

Good luck and—most importantly—have fun.
posted by phrits at 10:13 AM on September 17, 2006

You might want to have nice romantic touches of some sort planned, to give the lady something to remember fondly. First times have a lot more to do with figuring out whose legs go on the outside and who had their appendix out than actual romance. Some flowers or a couple of candles might go a long way towards creating nice memories.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 10:17 AM on September 17, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think it's pretty crucial that you guys can both openly talk about sex with each other. Opinions will probably vary by person as to how important sex is, but I say that it's a huge undertaking, and the more comfortable you are with each other, the better it will go. It's even better if you can laugh at mistakes or awkwardness together.

Agreed. Before you do have sex, since things are moving that way, make sure you've talked about it extensively beforehand. Spending some time exploring oral sex and what exactly stimulates and pleasures each of you *without* intercourse is a great idea before you actually get to the point where intercourse happens is a REALLY good idea. The girl I spent my first time with .. she and I spent a few months messin' around before we got that far, and I knew exactly what places to touch at the right time. (I, of course, being the guy, was easy...) As a result, our first time was pretty amazing as first times go.

Oh, and don't mix alcohol and your first time.

The good thing is that if she's a virgin and you're smaller, she'll have an easier time.

I really advise, in anyone who's having a sexual relationship, even if you're using protection, STD testing each six months.
posted by SpecialK at 10:37 AM on September 17, 2006

get your girlfriend on birth control, and don't worry about condoms at all.

If you're truely concerned about not having a baby, I would ignore this advice. One of my HS friends became pregnant even though she was on birth control. Kind of an anomaly, but it does happen. Be safe as use all your resources.
posted by jmd82 at 10:51 AM on September 17, 2006

Personally, I am a female and I highly recommend Astroglide as a lubricant. I have used it for a number of years and have given sample packs to many of my friends (male & female) who are also now regular users -- none of us have ever had any adverse reaction to it.

In fact I have enjoyed using it much better than any other lubricant such as KY (too goopy and reminds me of the Ob/Gyn), or any silicone based brands. I have found it to much more similar to a woman's natural lubricants, since it is water-based; in a pinch, you can "reactivate" it with a dollop of saliva.

You could also try visiting your local college or university's student services to find out if they have a sexual advice/referral clinic. You can often get condoms there at a very reasonable fee (here in Montreal, sometimes as low as 5 for $1). Often they have a variety of brands, so that you could try different ones to see which of the snugger fit feels more comfortable for you. I second the recommendation of practicing on yourself during "playtime" to see which fits best and doesn't slide off too easily once it's full.

Do try to learn to be comfortable communicating your needs to each other. You will find that this might be difficult, because you will be shy about expressing it out loud, but things go so much better when a couple can be free to tell each other what feels really good, or even more important, what does *not* feel so great or is even uncomfortable...

Take your time, and as suggested above, if you can use an entire weekend as your "first time" all the better, as you won't feel rushed, nor will you feel as pressured as if it were a single interlude, since you can try again and again to "get things right" -- practice is more fun anyway!

I have some other suggestions regarding post-coital clean-up in another recent thread that mentions a few ideas that could prove helpful for your overall experience. (http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/45875#701342)

Good luck and hope that everything turns out for the best...
posted by Jade Dragon at 11:01 AM on September 17, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is not an answer to your question, but is this the time to bring up bladder infections (aka honeymoon cystitis)? I

If you go the whole-weekend route, here are some things she can do to help keep from getting one: use lube, pee right after sex, drink cranberry juice (or water), be careful about doggy-style- it spread germs easily.

And if she gets one anyway, get Pyridium over the counter (but quit the cranberry juice- I've heard they counteract each other) and then go into the doctor and get an antibiotic for it. They're seriously uncomfortable but easy to treat.

Sorry if this is too much of a derail, but I sure wish someone had told me about them- I got one and had no idea what was going on.

Looking up the spelling of Pyridium, I see that a lot of people say that UTIs are chronic and if you get one you'll get them all the time. That hasn't been true for me at all.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:00 PM on September 17, 2006

Just wanted to add to small_ruminant's comment...I think that condoms with spermicide are connected to higher incidents of UTIs, so you might want to avoid those (plus, sometimes women are allergic).
posted by echo0720 at 1:47 PM on September 17, 2006

Personally, I heart Condom Depot.
They offer a wide variety of condoms. You can read review or search by size. They also have variety samplers which might be a good idea (as others have mentioned). You get free shipping if you click the correct option from the shipping drop-down menu. I have no ties nor stock in the company I am just a satisfied customer.
posted by fieldtrip at 1:48 PM on September 17, 2006

Just wanted to note that, in Australia at least, condom packs do state the size, using the phrase "nominal width". Nominal I suppose because they're stretchy, but it's a useful guide. The numbers are in the range 48 to 58mm from memory. It's normally in very small print. Are you sure American condoms don't do that same?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 1:59 PM on September 17, 2006

Just in case this becomes an issue: Don't be upset or accusatory if your girlfriend's hymen has already been broken. Lots of girls break theirs without noticing, during athletic activities and such. It does not mean she's lying to you.

If you decide to use hormonal birth control pills after all, use condoms as well for the first month (during which time the pills are not at their optimum effectiveness), and for the remainder of any cycle in which she forgets to take a pill on time (or, say, throws up half an hour after taking it because she has the flu). Rates of pregnancy using various forms of birth control, shown here, will show that condoms are not as effective as the pill. (However, of course, the pill is no protection against STDs.) If you want to be really careful (i.e. pregnancy would be a disaster), use both the pill and a condom.

Hold onto the base of the condom when you pull out. It's not particularly sexy, but as somebody who has had to deal with the consequences of a condom slipping off inside her, trust me, it makes life a lot easier if you just don't take any chances on it slipping off.

Finally, relax and enjoy yourself. Your first time is bound to be full of mistakes, misreadings of each other's body language, etc. It's okay to be completely lousy at sex your first time - most people are - so treat it as the first of many lessons in how to pleasure each other.
posted by joannemerriam at 2:07 PM on September 17, 2006

No AmbroseChapel, I've never noticed American condom packs stating sizes. We're very ashamed of our small penises here.
posted by davy at 2:10 PM on September 17, 2006

My wife is allergic to latex so we use the Trojan Naturalamb lambskin condoms. They're great because you feel more but they are not great if you have a large penis. We have to go through 2-3 condoms from a box each time because the sizes vary greatly and the snugger condoms simply do not fit. Nor do they stretch like latex condoms, so if it does not fit it will not fit no matter how much you try. And forcing them to fit actually ends up in condom breakage, which you do NOT want if you are trying to prevent pregnancy.

The other issue with natural lambskin condoms is they are about 4-5 times as expensive as latex, but if you buy a lot at a time you can save. I buy 6 boxes of 12 (72 count) from a reseller on Amazon. Note that the availability is not that good. Some months they have them, others they don't. It's still better than spending the $30-$40/box retail price though.

Lastly, if you can get over the fact that you are putting a piece of a sheep's intestine on your penis, lambskin condoms are a great alternative for those allergic to latex and want to feel more during sex. Do note though that they do not prevent STDs. Sperm cannot get through the natural membrane but nasty little deseases can.
posted by camworld at 2:57 PM on September 17, 2006

Off topic, but camworld's comment raises an interesting question: Are there vegetarian-friendly non-latex condoms out there, and if so, where? (No vested interest in the question: I both eat meat and ride bareback; just wondering.)

Side note: I did have occasion to use a lambskin condom once. Didn't like it. I thought it fit okay at the time, but I felt chafed by the time all was said and done. I guess just a little snug would have been better than just a little loose, and the one I had must have been sized for a porn star. ;-)

posted by phrits at 4:10 PM on September 17, 2006

There are polyurethane ones available.
posted by reverendX at 4:31 PM on September 17, 2006

Off topic, but camworld's comment raises an interesting question: Are there vegetarian-friendly non-latex condoms out there, and if so, where? (No vested interest in the question: I both eat meat and ride bareback; just wondering.)

Polyurethane. A bit more expensive than latex, but I believe they're comparably priced to sheepskin. They're also less risky, pregnancy-wise, and protect against STDs (which sheepskin condoms don't do well). I might even have heard that they're less failure-prone for both of those than latex, but I can't say that for sure.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 6:40 PM on September 17, 2006

Regarding UTI's:

A UTI is a urinary tract infection. UTI's are caused when the bacteria that is naturally occurring in/around the genitals freaks out (cause all that friction during sex is not fun for them) and they decide to take a vacation up the urethra. If she doesn't empty the bladder after sex, they'll have a party in there and she will be in serious pain.The best way for your girlfriend to prevent getting a UTI after sex is to go pee after intercourse, whether you use lubricant or not.

Regarding Safe Sex:

If you're rip-raring to take each other's clothes off, a little planning doesn't ruin the mood. Find the condoms that fit best. Talk about what birth control is right for her.

Regarding Romping in the Sack:

Have fun! Sex is adult play. The only rule is that you stick to what you are both comfortable with. Communication is paramount. The best sex will be later. . .just remember that the first time (hopefully anytime)--there's no pressure! If it doesn't feel right for her at first. Listen, respond. Rock and roll.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 7:16 PM on September 17, 2006

"They Fit" Condoms at CondomMania come in 70 different sizes. Print out their handy measuring guide, get your model number, and you're all set.
posted by the jam at 7:18 PM on September 17, 2006

get your girlfriend on birth control, and don't worry about condoms at all

Brilliantly awful advice. Tell me, is it true what they say about ignorance being bliss?

There is no reason not to be as careful as possible and do both.
posted by Mikey-San at 7:24 PM on September 17, 2006

First of all, stop worrying about the size of your prick.

Second, get Durex Avanti or Trojan Supra. They're made from polyurethane (which I think makes them vegetarian-friendly, yes?), which transfers heat MUCH better so you don't feel like you're fucking a balloon. As a bonus, they fit looser in general by design (which provides an interesting experience if you're not used to it). The only downside is that they're significantly more expensive than latex.
posted by mkultra at 10:11 PM on September 17, 2006

The polurethane ones may be more prone to breakage, if my experience and some other Mefites' experiences in a previous AskMe thread are typical.
posted by callmejay at 8:58 AM on September 18, 2006

You could always get around the fit problem with your condoms by getting some for her instead. And ditto on the double-your-safety-net suggestions. Getting her on the pill will take the stress out of any little accidents that may occur.

Just on the subject of the Durex Avanti Latex Free Codoms, let it be known I love them with every single magical bedroom moment my partner and I have. A lack of burning sensation on the nethers is well worth the extra cost.

callmejay: A fair bit of extra lube will help prevent breakages. I've heard suggestions that the well-endowed among us suffer the most from this, since the latex doesn't really stretch. I use Doc Johnson's e-lube, which apparently has been discontinued since the last bottle I bought, but Pjur's Aqua is easily as good.
posted by Jilder at 10:46 AM on September 18, 2006