Thank-you note when meeting the parents

September 14, 2006 7:10 PM

When is a thank-you note appropriate -- or just excessive?

I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time when they took us out for brunch. This weekend we are going to a museum. I wanted to send a thank-you note after the first meeting, but is it excessive? It's not like I flew out and stayed at their home for a weekend. What's thank you-note protocol here?

posted by Lisa S to human relations (14 answers total)

A note, a little note with a "I really enjoyed meeting you, you made me feel so comfortable" would absolutely charm me. If my son then at any point dumped you, he would absolutely be in the wrong.

Skip protocol. It's about making people feel nice and appreciated. Don't use letterhead/thank you cards, just nice note paper, keep it brief and real, and pop it in the mail before you forget.

(When I met my mother-in-law for the first time, she had a tiny teddy bear waiting on my bed. I'm not a teddy bear person, but the thought that she'd gone to some trouble to make me feel welcome really went a long way. I think it works in reverse too).
posted by b33j at 7:15 PM on September 14, 2006

They took you out for brunch - that merits a thank you note.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:18 PM on September 14, 2006

What b33j and jacquilynne say!

His parents will appreciate your appreciation.

If following standard protocol, Emily Post would suggest you send it within four days of the brunch.

Fuck convention. Go with your heart!
posted by ericb at 7:41 PM on September 14, 2006

I can't recall ever getting a thank-you note that made me mad, or lowered my estimation of the sender.

Just don't be scarily overly effusive. "I enjoyed meeting you after hearing so much about you from [Boyfriend]. Thank you so much for treating us to brunch."

In no way would that be bad.
posted by Miko at 7:46 PM on September 14, 2006

Anytime someone does a kindness for you, a thank you note is a nice gesture.

If you feel like it's excessive or that they might see it as overly solicitous, then just wait till after the museum trip, and say something like, "I have enjoyed these recent opportunities to spend time with you, thank you again for the delicious brunch, hope to see you again soon." (in your own tone, whatever level of formality works for you)

Here's how to go above and beyond (because again, the thoughtfulness is what is most appreciated): buy a pack of notecards at the museum store, and then use those for the note... or, write and post the note the day before you go on the museum trip, so that they receive it the day after.

This is the kind of thing that boyfriends' mothers swoon over and repeat to all their friends.

(Besides, if you'd flown out and stayed with them for the weekend, the appropriate gesture would have been a hostess gift like a bottle of wine or a candle or a set of guest towels.)
posted by pineapple at 7:50 PM on September 14, 2006

Sending a formal thank you note that looks like something you'd send for a wedding gift might be odd, but sending a note that says thank you is always good.
posted by winston at 7:52 PM on September 14, 2006

If the relationship with your BF goes well you're going to be spending lots of time with his family, they need to get used to your personality. A thank-you note helps them to understand what to expect from you in the future in a non-stressful way.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:03 PM on September 14, 2006

Try a thank you email. Its much less informal, but still shows you care enough to think about them.
posted by jourman2 at 8:07 PM on September 14, 2006

Thank you notes for thank you notes are excessive. Anything else is polite and people usually enjoy them.
posted by jessamyn at 8:21 PM on September 14, 2006

Of course, one problem with sending a note now is that you set their level of expectations high. That's not something I'd want to do with a boyfriend's parents. But I'm weird that way. (ha, the in-laws are arriving this afternoon for a weekend visit). I find such things burdensome. But the familial politics in a gay relationship often are different from you tradtion-bound hetero folks.
posted by Goofyy at 12:47 AM on September 15, 2006

In social situations: she/he who cares, wins.
posted by vac2003 at 3:53 AM on September 15, 2006

I sent a thank you email in precisely that situation two weeks back, which went over exceedingly well with both my girlfriend's mom, and my girlfriend (after her mother forwarded along the email to her saying how thoughtful the note was).

So, empirical testing says, send away.
posted by thomascrown at 5:16 AM on September 15, 2006

I would caution against sending an email only because it offers an implied invitation for response that a note doesn't.

When you send a thank-you note, the recipient reads it (and is impressed), and the transaction ends there.

When you send an email, you have basically initiated a conversation, and it is incredibly easy and casual to begin replying back and forth. And your boyfriend may feel weird about you setting a precedent for email communique with his parents.
posted by hermitosis at 8:10 AM on September 15, 2006

Postcards are good, b/c you can couch things in a "this reminded me of Our Conversation at Brunch framework!" or some such.
posted by DenOfSizer at 9:51 AM on September 15, 2006