Guilt and the poor relation's story

September 12, 2006 4:05 PM

How can I best address being on a budget/diet while out with friends? It seems a mention of budgetary/dietary reasons for skipping drinking/appetizers/dessert makes my friends feel bad -- like either we should have waited to go out till I wouldn't have to restrict myself, or chosen a cheaper outing, or that they should be restricting themselves too.

I've tried the "Oh, I had a big lunch," "I drank too much this weekend," route of deflecting attention from whatever I'm not ordering, but that gets tiresome. And what if I decide to stick to a budget for the next 10 years? I'd rather be honest about whatever plan I'm trying to maintain, but in such a way that I don't make others who aren't similarly restricting themselves feel bad about their own choices.

I also don't need sympathy or solutions from my pals, because I don't believe I'm suffering. I don't want to make non-budgeters feel like rich jerks. But sometimes going to a show will preclude me from having a three course dinner, and I want that to be okay without making the person who invited me to the show feel guilty for choosing an event that is expensive.

posted by xo to Human Relations (17 answers total)

Best answer: Ugh. I have the same problem all the freakin' time. When it's been best is when I'm out with people who can deal with me not doing/eating the same thing they're doing/eating—e.g. people who have a well-developed sense of self and independence. These people don't seem to need your habits to mirror theirs in order to prop themselves up. They also tend to be older and/or more self-aware than the friends who have a problem with you not "joining in."

But...barring finding new friends, I've been at a loss as far as solutions are concerned.
posted by limeonaire at 4:09 PM on September 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Skipping a drink:

"I'll sit this one out thanks"

Respond to the inevitable "why?!" by saying you're just not in the mood but maybe next time.

I think it's easier to skip the dessert than the appetiser as you can rely on:

"Actually, I've had enough to eat now."

Simple comments like this are probably going to be quite effective.

Or simply say, "I'm trying a new diet for a few weeks, I'd rather not have x/y/z". It shouldn't cause much of a fuss, and if someone said it to me I'd leave it at that.
posted by knapah at 4:14 PM on September 12, 2006

A similar but less extreme variation of the situation occurs in High school with working and not-working friends going out, where if the friendship is close enough the first will inevitably try to pay for the second if the second dares back out of anything. incredibly annoying.

My advice is more to pick and choose what or where you go. You don't necessarily have to go to every outing, so that you're essentially saving up for the larger 'events'... and as for dietary reasons, you could explain that you simply want to be healthier? It's not an uheard of thing, after all.
posted by Phire at 4:43 PM on September 12, 2006

Make a big show about how stuffed you are. "Oh my God, I could not even eat a waffer-thin mint."

Depending on what diet you're on, this may even be true.
posted by kindall at 4:44 PM on September 12, 2006

Best answer: I agree with knapah's suggested comments. "No thanks" "I'm all full" etc are all you need to say.

The key is to make it clear that you're having fun, even though you're not having an appetizer or drink. I would think the friends would only feel guilty if it looks like you're sitting there, hands in lap and eyes downcast, wishing you could have a drink or whatever. If you're animatedly carrying on the conversation, and you aren't paying attention to the fact that you're not eating/drinking, that should give them something else to focus on.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:45 PM on September 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

also, don't have 100 lines that you use. stick to 2 simple ones and they will probably get the point faster.
posted by amethysts at 4:52 PM on September 12, 2006

I think it's worth noting that, socially, there's a big difference between abstaining for dietary reasons and abstaining for financial reasons. Whether it should or shouldn't be that way, I'm not touching on, but I don't think they can be fairly lumped together. There is little stigma associated with making public food choices for dietary reasons. (To be sure, I do think there is stigma with making a production out of it -- but that's not what's on the table here.)

"I've tried the "Oh, I had a big lunch," "I drank too much this weekend," route of deflecting attention from whatever I'm not ordering, but that gets tiresome.

"...I'd rather be honest about whatever plan I'm trying to maintain, but in such a way that I don't make others who aren't similarly restricting themselves feel bad about their own choices.

"...sometimes going to a show will preclude me from having a three course dinner, and I want that to be okay without making the person who invited me to the show feel guilty for choosing an event that is expensive."

You seem to want to not have your cake and not eat it too. Yes, it might get tiresome to take the route that makes other people feel more comfortable, and yes, you might feel like you have a right to be honest about your personal choices.

Fact still remains that people are then going to feel guilty. Would you be having the cake or appetizer or fancy meal if you could afford to do so? Likely, and they likely know it, and that's why the guilt. And if you come out and go, "Oh, no thanks, I'm watching my budget," then they definitely know it and it makes things awkward.

You can't alter what does or doesn't make people feel guilty.

So, I think that if you feel a need to publicly explain your food choices, you should tell a white lie and go with a dietary excuse, and it can be as simple as "Thanks, but I count my calories pretty strictly, for health reasons." Eventually, they will catch on and stop asking you, or stop inviting you.
posted by pineapple at 4:57 PM on September 12, 2006

Best answer: I've been on a budget and a diet recently. I've had more success fending off solicitous friends by offering really specific substitutions instead of vague "no thanks."

For example, "I'm saving for my trip to Paris! Won't that be fun?!" works better than "No, thanks, now's not the best time for me." Or, "No beer tonight - I'm going out for [awesome local bakery] cheesecake on Friday."

In other words, point to the bright, hypothetical future, not the past. It might help reinforce your own commitment and inspire theirs!
posted by ejvalentine at 5:20 PM on September 12, 2006

I would tell them not to worry about you. You have to reassure people in that situation. Since they're just trying to be sure they're doing the most polite thing.

Smile right at them, and say "Oh, don't worry about me! I just need to watch what I eat/spend." Say it confidently, they'll ultimately respect your self control!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:51 PM on September 12, 2006

You can't be honest and frank about money issues without creating awkwardness: that's life. And when people talk about dieting publicly, especially during the ordering of a meal, it can make you seem critical of those ordering the less health-conscious foods. Not saying you are, but your timing is certainly off.

It seems a mention of budgetary/dietary reasons for skipping drinking/appetizers/dessert makes my friends feel bad

Perhaps one of the reasons you feel uncomfortable about it is because there's overshare on your part; if I go out to eat with someone, they don't need to tell me they're on a diet...they can just order a salad and water and I'll get the picture. If they're low on cash and say "no, thanks" to drinks, I'll understand that for whatever reason they don't want to drink. Just say "I'll pass" or "no, thanks" when drinks/appetizers come up, and let your friends come to their own conclusions. Obviously this hinges on how close of friends you are...my best buds will tell me when they're dieting or are low on cash, and I'll makes sure to avoid makes dinner reservations at Carb-O-Rama or the five-star French restaurant. But if we're talking about friends/acquiantences/co-workers then I think the above applies.

Also, I suggest for you to star limiting your outings...instead of going out many times and getting club soda every night, go out fewer times and splurge on a drink. Be self-possessed enough to turn down invitations once in a while, as the person who always turns down drinks and appetizers can be a downer (and I am telling you this because your friends won't).
posted by apple scruff at 5:55 PM on September 12, 2006

Best answer: Maybe this is a big cultural divide thing, but is there a good reason why your social interactions with your friends need to involve all these problems with greater or lesser expenditure?

What about picnics, 'at home's (a quaint English custom where you let it be known that you will be accepting visitors on a particular morning/afternoon/evening or, failing that, raucous house parties)? Lay on the basics and let them to bring their own very expensive food and drink! Or maybe trips to (free) galleries, outdoor events, markets, festivals? Followed by a sedate (cheap) cup of coffee and a sandwich.

Try testing the waters with some more budget-friendly entertainment solutions (which are sure to be just as much, if not more, fun than an expensive night out). You'll still be acting in a social manner and hopfully your mates will appreciate the effort. As limeonaire and Phire have both alluded to, it sounds like there's a bit of oneupmanship going on with some of your group keen to display their wealth (and, as they see it, worth).
posted by dogsbody at 7:07 PM on September 12, 2006

Best answer: Be bold. No thanks, I'm on a diet. No thanks, I'm saving up for a down payment on a house.

I diet every summer, and I always watch my money closely. My friends don't judge me one iota for the decisions that I make. When I do drink or eat with them, and many times I induldge myself, I always pay my share of the bill. They know I'm not a cheapskate with gratuities or anything so they know if I decline the entree it's for my own reason. When I'm watching the types of food I eat for my annual summer diet I say so, and usually it results in rapport, because everybody always wants to know whose diet might be working and whose penny-pinching scheme might be incorporated into their own life.

Be proud of your decisions to live your life your way and give your acquaintances a chance to appreciate them.
posted by vito90 at 9:13 PM on September 12, 2006

The key is to make it clear that you're having fun, even though you're not having an appetizer or drink.

I agree with this. I don't eat dessert* - ever - which is pretty unfathomable to some people. If I'm not being social, it seems to prompt a lot of "do you want to try some of mine, it's good" offers and concerned looks. But if I'm having a good time, my dietary weirdness is soon forgotten.

* I just don't care much for sweets, and never after a meal. This can lead to guilt similar to the OP's when restaurants are selected primarily for their dessert menu.
posted by Sangre Azul at 9:34 PM on September 12, 2006

I agree with pineapple - if the goal is to avoid awkwardness you're best sticking with the "I'm on a diet" excuse rather than the "I'm poor" excuse.

Being on a diet is a perfectly acceptable reason for eating less, ordering the (lower cost) salad instead of the extravagant calorie-filled entree, passing on dessert and avoiding large quantities of alcohol. Sure, you can't completely avoid the possibility that your proclamation of being on a diet will cause some in your group of friends to look at you as the party pooper (i.e. making your friends who *DO* decide to indulge feel guilty that they don't have your restraint and discipline) but that's not really something you have much control over.

Loudly mentioning that your menu choices are due to a lack of finances is more likely to cause an uncomfortable environment. I've been out to eat with people who do this, and whether it's intended or not, I always think I'm being given the subtle hint to buy them dinner or drinks or whatever which is awkward. Again, I'm not saying this is what you're doing, just that some might take it that way and feel uncomfortable. This could easily be avoided by just going the "I'm watching what I eat route".
posted by The Gooch at 11:09 PM on September 12, 2006

Get some new friends? Or try telling the ones you have got that their reactions are making you uncomfortable?
posted by Idcoytco at 5:10 AM on September 14, 2006

loudly mentioning that your menu choices are due to a lack of finances is more likely to cause an uncomfortable environment

I second this. Unless it's close friends, I just simply say, "No thank you." You don't need to over-explain.
posted by canine epigram at 6:35 AM on September 14, 2006

Best answer: I think this is a specifically American problem. Abstaining from anything is wrong. We like to have what we want all the time, anytime, that's why our country is fat and in debt. To show discipline is going to reflect others' lack of discipline, or actually make them think rather than always having what they want.

I think you should give yourself credit for taking care of yourself. You're not always going to make people feel guilty, you may even make others feel more comfortable with having less. I know my friends who have more money discipline than I are inspiring to me.

So keep in mind that you're doing a positive thing, and those who feel differently or want to pressure you can deal with their own feelings. They are not your responsibility.
posted by scazza at 10:49 AM on September 14, 2006 [2 favorites]